Of course, as a Medical Reference (I try to avoid ED narratives, although I can guarantee that I have read almost everything on Anorexia available to me...) I was described between the pages. Three months ago I met the full diagnostic criteria for column B, interestingly enough today I meet all of the criteria for column A. This, I knew deep down, but I need to keep confirming to myself. Right now, at my lowest weight since the age of about 14 I'm not happy. My all-time low goal - that magical number where I knew I would feel the difference - is less than a kilo away, but I'm not happy. I'm not going to be happy if I perpertuate this. I knew this deep down as well. That this: 'You'll be happy when you're xxkg' is bullshit, but I guess I had to prove it to myself. The smallest of sizes feels large, bones feel fat and I'll never be thin enough. You'll never be thin enough - you can't get thin enough... There's no such thing.
This book was different to the others I have read - it studied not Eating Disorders themselves, but Eating Disorders as a social condition and I think it opened my eyes. The figures were pretty astonishing; the rate at which we are multiplying (Anorexia is COMMON now - there are millions of us) as well as the general areas that were becoming susceptible to the illness. Interestingly enough, the countries with the highest precedance of EDs were countries exposed to Western mass media. The book also outlined the fact that Anorexia has becom completely glamourised by the media (who judge women on what they look like, not what they acheive) - it made me feel like a complete idiot, basically for buying into that pap-fed bullshit. I'm not going to invest in the something that promotes Anorexia as glamourous and something to aspire to. It makes me sick that I have for so long. Good-bye trashy magazines...
For the first time ever, (in a monograph) I found reference to the fact that Anorexia and Bulimia are learned diseases. Very few people 'get' out-and-out EDs - they learn how to get them. Not eating is something that anyone can do, even prevention programmes have increased the risks of ED in participants. Awareness of Eating Disorders is dangerous - seeking them out can be fatal. I don't really want to address the amount of time I have spent involving myself in ED communities online. Don't get me wrong -
I'm not one of those girls who worships Mary Kate, Nicole, Lindsay and the rest - I feel sorry for them (and the sad wannarexics who worship them...) I'm not one of those girls who wants a diet buddy, or who wants to fast, or who wants to wear a red bracelet - I want answers. My decision is basically to stop posting my diary into any 'ED' circles. I'm over it - I don't want to get worse and exposure to other diarists with predominantly ED-orientated content is only going to end up hurting me. It will hurt all of you too. I'm also going to make my diary favourites only - permanently, so this is the place to comment if you want to keep reading. I'm not going to cull my friends list - even if your diary is ED-specific. Who wants to read calorie counts anyway. Not me. Not any more.
If you are skimming over this entry in an Eating Disorder circle/community ask yourself why you are aspiring to this disease. Do you have an Eating Disorder? If you haven't been diagnosed by the offical dignostic criteria or a specialist you just WANT one. And don't worry, you'll get what you are looking for if you stick around long enough, allow the thought process and ideas to take shape. Watch beautiful (thin) young women berate themselves every day and you'll start doing it too. At some concious level you know why you are doing this. If you have been diagnosed then ask yourself why the hell you are still here - Why are you choosing depression, misery and heartache over your future. It's time to move on already. It doesn't get any better. And it has taken me five years to find out - Five. Long. Years. Wasted.
I'm not saying that I am about to recover - I am just sick of ED communities and the way they are attracting flies like honey. I don't want, or need to perpetuate my Eating Disorder and nor do I want to perpetuate anyone elses.