I just dont know what I want to do, or where I want to go from here. (And I think I am going to mostly type this with my eyes closed, cause I am uber tired. So forgive any weird mistakes)
( If you havent read the bulletin i posted on myspace, read it hereCollapse )
I am so caught between my two options. I really dont know what to do. Some people say that it really doesnt matter which I pick because I wil be successfull at whatever I try. To some extent I fully agree because I have learned to make the best of whatever situation I find myself in. I cant imagine if this wasnt the case, i am sure I would have been dead many years ago.
All of today I have been thinking that I am probably going to be going back to school. If not this semester than at least next semester. I will live in the Dorm that i lived at before and I will have the most amazing job in the world... well I like it, the pay is less than desirable... but the type of job is my cup of tea. Until I went to my fathers (girlfriends) house. They basically launched a mild attack at me when i said that I was thinking about going back to school. The first thing was that I cant keep changing my mind, and I need to tell people. My (internal) response was "screw you! You are not going to force me to make a decision about my life that a lot of people take their whole life to make" But that convo died fast. It quickly turned to the fact that I was passing an amazing opportunity by. She thinks that "I am too bright to ont go into the services." Because the govmn't is really the only place that can put me into a career where my talents are used to teh best of their ability. I agree to some extent that the govmnt has the connections that will allow me to do whatever I want whereever I want with whatever company I want.
They also kept focusing on the financial aspects of it. It really made me doubt that I would even be able to attend college anymore, even with having people really high up in a variety of depts trying to help me and find a way for me to attend. (that must mean something in terms of m y value there at school, right?) Even with that I dont know if it is feasable. (At the end I said, "If I had zero debt, there is no soubt that I would go back to school" Dad said, "OK, i can rid your debt, but never again." Then I froze and really thought, what do I want to do? even though I had jsut said if I had no debt I would go.) The fact is that there is no security in me going back to school. I will be taking on more debt, but my whole life I have said it is worth it. But now I wonder if i can handle it.
The big issue that was avoided by me when talking with my father is that of my sexual orientation. That is going to play a big role in the decision. Despite the fact I am a beleiver in the whole it is only a part of me philosophy, it gains power here. One of my big things is helping people out, and those that I really relate to for now are people of an LGBT background. If I go to school I would be able to continue this dream. I would be able to date, maybe find my first significant other. (Side note: The interesing question I always find myself asking is what if I had a boyfriend? Would the Navy even be crossing my mind? OR would I be too caught up with him to consider ever leaving? Despite what I used to tell people, i have a new view on life and would actually consider altering my courseof life for someone I cared about to that extent.) Side note over, lol.... I would continue to be able to be an activist and make a difference. I would be able to see the result
One of the things that she kept attacking my generation for was our view on war. She compared us to the hippies and said we would lead to the end of the country (to some extent, lol). She brought up a point when I said I would be able to help people if I stayed at UIUC: I would be helping people everyday if I joined the Navy. I guess it is true, but the fundamental difference would be that I would not be able to see the results of my work. her response: How soon do you expect to see the results? I was speechless. Good point she raised. I would also be able to donate a large portion of my income to charities that I feel are worth it. *hint hint* It would be over in six years. But those six years will probably be full of me wishing I had that someone with me. (Not to say that I couldnt date a girl, I just probably would prefer not too) After that I would basically be set for life, either changing careers completely, or stayingiwhtin my field. I would be able to continue my education and such. Afterwords I would be able to find my friends again, all the while keeping in touch with my current ones. (another side note: There is one friend whom I would want to be available for. Whom I care about and want to just make sure I am never out of reach for. That might keep me away from the military, but I dont know) After the Navy, I would be able to find that special someone, and never have to leave him again. Which brings up the next two points, would staying at Urbana just keep up the false sense of community and security of friends only to be shattered at graduation time? Will i be able to find it once my education is complete, past masters and phd etc.?? The other point is: Are the Navy and being Gay completely exclusive? The more I research it, the less it seems to be that way. But how is it really? That is a gamble I will have to take.
To some extent this is a question between a few opposites, just like the two paths in Frost's poem, but are they all mutualy exclusive?
Future Security vs. Happiness now (Is that even guarenteed? I mean I got to this point for a reason); Security in living situation vs. mental state; and a few others I cant think of at this exact moment.
When I first started College I thought to myself: Even if I have to sit in my room with absolutely no friends, studying 24/7 and getting my grades, in the end it would be worth it because of all i accomplished and waht I could do with my life from then on. Worst.Case.Scenario. Did that happen? NO
This feels sort of like the same thing. If I got in and didnt like it, would it be worth the aloneness in teh long run? Would I even feel alone? Worst.Case.Scenario. Again. But I guess that is all part of the unsureness of life. And the Fear of the unknown.
I hope that I presented this in the most even way possible. I really need ALL the input that I can take. All I ask is that any statement of opinion be backed up. If you HATE the Navy, exaplain why you think it is the worst option FOR ME. I need the critical thought of all of you. What do you think works best for me? Knowing what I have been through, and where I have made it so far.
Thank you all for your help!
EDIT at 12:30am-
I forgot to mention that the Navy is placing me in their Nuclear Power Program... which has tons of advantages. Including an education from MIT. And the opportunity to make six figures outside of the Navy by the time I an 25. It is considered the top 2% of the Navy.
That was a deciding factor on the branch. I dont want to Kill people. This way I will be running a reactor to power a carrier, not killing people...
EDIT at 10:00AM-
This edit is brought upon by a user comment I recieved. It reminded me to put in something I forgot:
This whole ordeal has made me question what my life story is and will be. When I look back on this, as I am telling my story to someone, what will it sound like with each choice? Where will it have taken me? What will I be saying? "Back when I was 19, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life..."