• khcl

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for being an asshole mom.
I'm sorry for not being confident to forgive you, babe.
I'm sorry I hold grudges.
I'm sorry for not being thin enough.
I'm sorry I hate you, babe.
I'm sorry that I can't live my life happily.

i shoundlt but i will

i apoligize for not carring about you n e more
i apoligize for practicly taking every one from you
i apoligize for you being wierd and mean
i apoligize for your nact to take things and people that are good and turn them against you easly
i apoligize for your life now sucking
i apoligize for not looking back
i am sry that i didnt say yes sooner. i wanted to know for sure if you were true i am sry that waited so long to come around and now its to late. you left the state and me alone
i apoligize for changing be fore your eyes
i apoligize for the crap i will do in the futer and have done in the past
i apoligize for giving a reason to have that disapointed look in you eyes
not being who you thought i was, a daughter who was happy
daisies color

(no subject)

Dear lovely Walgreens employee,

I am sorry my friends are dipshits. They think buying condoms with plans to put them on my friend's car is funny. They also enjoy saying the word 'lubricant' and then laughing like effing hyenas. You handled the situation with a smile I hear and I feel like nominating you for employee of the CENTURY. I'm sorry I was not there to apologize for their 7-year-oldness but I had to get us a parking spot for dinner. I know how customers can suck. You rule.

Thank you and that is all.


(I love This American Life, also. I heard that show, too... anyway.)

I'm sorry that I stole your banjo. I didn't really think that you gave it to me.

I'm sorry for bringing drugs into your home, and using them in your home, and puking on your bath rug.

I'm sorry for lying to people who didn't deserve to be lied to.

i can't think of anything to say

Time passes on and yet nothing changes, everything just continually goes in circles, it’s something that plagues all human life’s most don’t notice because of either lack of wanting to or just totally idiocy. I for one…refuse to bend to the whims of the mental loops that time sees fit to put in our ways. For me, in my head time must continually move on and move forward, for others they are satisfied living in the past. Trials and tribulations are what makes us who we are, and though time we learn to accept and absorb the knowledge that these experiences give us, or we can turn a blind eye, and make every significant event repeat the last one that ended in failure. Such is the case with my current relationship, to start off by saying that this message is written out of frustrations and off-beat feelings, and being so close to Valentine’s Day. The day everyone signifies with happiness in love, my mother felt today that she needed to remind me to buy a present for my girlfriend which I replied “mom I remember these things”. I remember them, I think about them, and I long to have those things in my life. Even at the sacrifice of others in my life, namely my friends. I don’t know if I’m being selfish or irresponsible with my thinking but, in my mind your significant other is supposed to come first, especially if the time that you get to spend together is short and brief at best. To see each other once a week for as little as 2 hours, 3 at the most…is not enough for a person who is truly in love with the other person to maintain and clear and balanced array of feelings, of happy thoughts. And it seems to me that I am the one in this current relationship, pulling the “weight” of maintaining a relationship, while my significant other has decided to load herself with responsibilities, and proceed to tell me that I’ll get to you WHEN I HAVE TIME, and those 3 hours per week should be enough. It’s strange how reminiscent of a previous relationship this is. I would maintain the relationship and do all the traveling, all the calling responsibilities and even the (should be natural) reaction of saying that you love the other person, without having to be prodded or provoked. I am now bound to a schedule of the other person, no longer is it a relationship of sharing of love. It’s “when I get around to you” in my busy schedule I’ll think about you…if I am to remain her last thought in the day. Why am I so keen on her being my first thought. She says that working and school and a voluntary coaching position put a drain on her and totally dog her of her time. And yet she can find the time each week to continually hang out with friends, and even on the weekends after coaching and work instead of possibly spending time, with the man she supposedly loves or even giving him a 5 minute call to say those words that have recently disappeared from her speech, it is spent renewing old relationships, chatting on the internet, or spending time with friends watching porn. You know what…it must be the age, I don’t need a child that I have to be an overbearing figure with, I need a woman. I need someone that can be more than just a playmate or a girl that I basically date from time to time. Everyday is basically a worry session on whether or not I will ever see her again, I love her with all my heart, I feel it in my bones, and agree with it in my head. This was always a real problem that all those 3 communicate and agree. Suddenly all of the sudden the head doubts, the heart feels broken, and the bones feel tired of holding it all together. I am continually told that this is something she HAS TO DO, to quit being jealous of her guy friends that see her more than I do, to quit worrying. Well, I can only be a quiet mouse for so long…up until recently I didn’t used to look at other woman but I am finding myself looking, because of totally lack of physical intimacy EVER…I hate myself for even thinking of a world outside of the happiness that I’ve felt since her and I began…but alas, kissing has become a chore to her, even being in my arms is something she is timid tward and now has chosen to shy away from, I can’t hug her, can’t touch her, and can’t even kiss her on places that used to make her feel good, I have become victim to her unrelenting play time kissing has been replaced with attempts to make me laugh through tickling, and other wastes of time. I’m more of a distraction than a boyfriend…intimacy has been replaced with outings with “GUY” friends, alone time just with each other has been replaced with, a few hours feeling like an eternity of watching TV, no kissing, no cuddling, just TV…which I feel kind of pointless, I make the trip to be with her, TO BE WITH HER, and ENJOY having someone. Instead now I travel for half and hour to watch a TV show and be concerned that my girlfriend hates me, or basically just tolerates me. This concerns me. She doesn’t want to be with me without others around, doesn’t want to kiss me unless I initiate it, doesn’t even want to call me, all initiated moments have been unknowingly shoved onto me, and basically non-verbally told that I MUST do these to allow her extra time to for lack of a batter turn of words, ignore me. I HAVE ENOUGH IN MY OWN LIFE TO WORRY ABOUT…To put it bluntly I am not someone’s bitch nor am I a LACKEY. But yet I play the role of the EVIL alarm clock that wakes her up in the morning, and being the recipient of respite and biting comments just for agreeing to wake her up. DOING WHAT I WAS ASKED. I am charged with calling her on my lunch break even though my lunch is the same time everyday and I spend it alone, while her time of lunch changes almost everyday and she spends it talking to friends, ignoring me, and constantly saying “anyways” because her attention is not on me. I may have missed this but the entire reason I got a cell phone was to talk to people, instead all I now hear is her talking, and listening to ambient noise of her friends. She used to only talk to me, even hide from those people that she knew just to be with me in some fashion a few seconds longer. Don’t get me wrong I have my best friends this is true, but I also have acquaintances, people that I know but don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my day with, they are there to fill my piss away time and be a known face in a crowd. Everyone she meets is automatically her friend, someone that she just HAS to spend time with, again cutting into anytime I get to spend. Behavioral wise, these actions toward me, lack of intimacy (yes intimacy is more than sex), and treating me as more of a burden to be dealt with on a 2 hour (to 5 hours at the very most), per week basis. Denote 2 things, from a psychological standpoint. Boredom in a relationship, she’s bored with me and/or has found someone new or re-ignited an old flame. With such behavior I am unable to comprehend why this is happening or what needs to happen, I love her, and think about her every second of everyday, I want her at all times, just to hold, hug or kiss, and even other couple activities. I want to be with her…but fail to see where I can be considered a significant other…if I am to accept being the last thought while she is constantly and consistently my first. I wish I could be someone that she wants, someone that means more to her than what I do now, I wish I could have kept her interest, but I’m not a bad boy, I’m not a thug or man that needs to be mothered. I am not a male slut who has trouble keeping it in his pants. I am me that’s it, and I’m sorry that I am not the man she wants. Excuse me I must go to sleep and hopefully calm these feelings of unmitigated sadness of loving and being involved with someone that doesn’t know what they want.
She wants to have tons of friends, wants to coach high school bowling team and wants to work and go to school. A boyfriend? That just gets in the way.

(no subject)

Just a note: You don't have to be a member to post after all. In the blue shaded toolbar where it says "Monitor Community," and "Add Memory" you can click a button called "Post to this community. If anyone has any trouble, just ask me, and we'll figure it out.

(no subject)

Alright, this is the first post.

If anyone knows how to make a sleak looking journal, please let me know.

Just a note as to why I created this community. I was listening to a radio show the other day, "This American Life" on National Public Radio. The basic concept of this show is that they take a random broad topic, and then present stories from different people that revolve around the topic. The episode I heard though wasn't very broad that day for whatever reason. It was titled 'Apology'. And one of the stories they had was about a man who had a phone line where people would call in and anonymously apologize for one, or various things they had done, but had never told anyone. The phone line has long since been out of service. I felt this was an interesting idea. So often we find that we have heavy burdens on our chests of huge catastrophes, be it they are premeditated, or had happened by chance. But in the end we had found a way to weasel out of the bad situation, and had gotten away with it. Yet haven't found a way to
come to grips with ourselves, and what we had done. This community doesn't offer you the chance to be guilt-free, but maybe just a stepping done in the road to closure in the form of an apology to the world, to a specific person, or yourself, (if it's actually possible to issue an apology to yourself, I don't know.)

One other thing, please try and avoid putting up crude pictures, or at the very least, please put them behind a cut, and making a special note that they may not be work safe. I think I just about covered it all now.
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