Time passes on and yet nothing changes, everything just continually goes in circles, it’s something that plagues all human life’s most don’t notice because of either lack of wanting to or just totally idiocy. I for one…refuse to bend to the whims of the mental loops that time sees fit to put in our ways. For me, in my head time must continually move on and move forward, for others they are satisfied living in the past. Trials and tribulations are what makes us who we are, and though time we learn to accept and absorb the knowledge that these experiences give us, or we can turn a blind eye, and make every significant event repeat the last one that ended in failure. Such is the case with my current relationship, to start off by saying that this message is written out of frustrations and off-beat feelings, and being so close to Valentine’s Day. The day everyone signifies with happiness in love, my mother felt today that she needed to remind me to buy a present for my girlfriend which I replied “mom I remember these things”. I remember them, I think about them, and I long to have those things in my life. Even at the sacrifice of others in my life, namely my friends. I don’t know if I’m being selfish or irresponsible with my thinking but, in my mind your significant other is supposed to come first, especially if the time that you get to spend together is short and brief at best. To see each other once a week for as little as 2 hours, 3 at the most…is not enough for a person who is truly in love with the other person to maintain and clear and balanced array of feelings, of happy thoughts. And it seems to me that I am the one in this current relationship, pulling the “weight” of maintaining a relationship, while my significant other has decided to load herself with responsibilities, and proceed to tell me that I’ll get to you WHEN I HAVE TIME, and those 3 hours per week should be enough. It’s strange how reminiscent of a previous relationship this is. I would maintain the relationship and do all the traveling, all the calling responsibilities and even the (should be natural) reaction of saying that you love the other person, without having to be prodded or provoked. I am now bound to a schedule of the other person, no longer is it a relationship of sharing of love. It’s “when I get around to you” in my busy schedule I’ll think about you…if I am to remain her last thought in the day. Why am I so keen on her being my first thought. She says that working and school and a voluntary coaching position put a drain on her and totally dog her of her time. And yet she can find the time each week to continually hang out with friends, and even on the weekends after coaching and work instead of possibly spending time, with the man she supposedly loves or even giving him a 5 minute call to say those words that have recently disappeared from her speech, it is spent renewing old relationships, chatting on the internet, or spending time with friends watching porn. You know what…it must be the age, I don’t need a child that I have to be an overbearing figure with, I need a woman. I need someone that can be more than just a playmate or a girl that I basically date from time to time. Everyday is basically a worry session on whether or not I will ever see her again, I love her with all my heart, I feel it in my bones, and agree with it in my head. This was always a real problem that all those 3 communicate and agree. Suddenly all of the sudden the head doubts, the heart feels broken, and the bones feel tired of holding it all together. I am continually told that this is something she HAS TO DO, to quit being jealous of her guy friends that see her more than I do, to quit worrying. Well, I can only be a quiet mouse for so long…up until recently I didn’t used to look at other woman but I am finding myself looking, because of totally lack of physical intimacy EVER…I hate myself for even thinking of a world outside of the happiness that I’ve felt since her and I began…but alas, kissing has become a chore to her, even being in my arms is something she is timid tward and now has chosen to shy away from, I can’t hug her, can’t touch her, and can’t even kiss her on places that used to make her feel good, I have become victim to her unrelenting play time kissing has been replaced with attempts to make me laugh through tickling, and other wastes of time. I’m more of a distraction than a boyfriend…intimacy has been replaced with outings with “GUY” friends, alone time just with each other has been replaced with, a few hours feeling like an eternity of watching TV, no kissing, no cuddling, just TV…which I feel kind of pointless, I make the trip to be with her, TO BE WITH HER, and ENJOY having someone. Instead now I travel for half and hour to watch a TV show and be concerned that my girlfriend hates me, or basically just tolerates me. This concerns me. She doesn’t want to be with me without others around, doesn’t want to kiss me unless I initiate it, doesn’t even want to call me, all initiated moments have been unknowingly shoved onto me, and basically non-verbally told that I MUST do these to allow her extra time to for lack of a batter turn of words, ignore me. I HAVE ENOUGH IN MY OWN LIFE TO WORRY ABOUT…To put it bluntly I am not someone’s bitch nor am I a LACKEY. But yet I play the role of the EVIL alarm clock that wakes her up in the morning, and being the recipient of respite and biting comments just for agreeing to wake her up. DOING WHAT I WAS ASKED. I am charged with calling her on my lunch break even though my lunch is the same time everyday and I spend it alone, while her time of lunch changes almost everyday and she spends it talking to friends, ignoring me, and constantly saying “anyways” because her attention is not on me. I may have missed this but the entire reason I got a cell phone was to talk to people, instead all I now hear is her talking, and listening to ambient noise of her friends. She used to only talk to me, even hide from those people that she knew just to be with me in some fashion a few seconds longer. Don’t get me wrong I have my best friends this is true, but I also have acquaintances, people that I know but don’t necessarily want to spend the rest of my day with, they are there to fill my piss away time and be a known face in a crowd. Everyone she meets is automatically her friend, someone that she just HAS to spend time with, again cutting into anytime I get to spend. Behavioral wise, these actions toward me, lack of intimacy (yes intimacy is more than sex), and treating me as more of a burden to be dealt with on a 2 hour (to 5 hours at the very most), per week basis. Denote 2 things, from a psychological standpoint. Boredom in a relationship, she’s bored with me and/or has found someone new or re-ignited an old flame. With such behavior I am unable to comprehend why this is happening or what needs to happen, I love her, and think about her every second of everyday, I want her at all times, just to hold, hug or kiss, and even other couple activities. I want to be with her…but fail to see where I can be considered a significant other…if I am to accept being the last thought while she is constantly and consistently my first. I wish I could be someone that she wants, someone that means more to her than what I do now, I wish I could have kept her interest, but I’m not a bad boy, I’m not a thug or man that needs to be mothered. I am not a male slut who has trouble keeping it in his pants. I am me that’s it, and I’m sorry that I am not the man she wants. Excuse me I must go to sleep and hopefully calm these feelings of unmitigated sadness of loving and being involved with someone that doesn’t know what they want.
She wants to have tons of friends, wants to coach high school bowling team and wants to work and go to school. A boyfriend? That just gets in the way.