I've never told this story. I suppose it's not much of a story at all, but thoughts, confusion, frustration.
I don't know what I am, but I know something about whatever it is I am has hurt me. i've always had an affinity for nature, animals, plants, the earth, healing... call me a hippie, but I feel at peace outside or near living things. some would say I've had an easy life, but I feel like I'm not who people know me as. There's so much people don't know.
When I was a little girl, I remember one night when I was afraid. I was afraid, like something was trying to mislead me. As I look back, the night seems spiritual. I remember trying to resist some sort of bad whatever it was... I was in bed, trying to sleep, but I had woken up. I fell asleep sweaty and in tears.
Throuout my childhood, I felt a sense of depth my friends never seemed to see. I began writing. some of the things i wrote were not a child's words. Ther were not dark, not light, just deep and philosophical, but often pained.
In Jr high, one of my best friend's killed herself. It wasn't her death that struck me, but that I felt strange around her the week before. i was too busy grieving to see it as anything.
In highschool i dated a guy who was linked to some demonic stuff. It scared me. He was possessed by some type of animal demons.. it's like they would take over his body and he would be gone, like multiple personality disorder, but more frightening. I feel strange remembering too.. like I'm not supposed to.
Through highschool, I would go through times where I felt things hat never made sense. Often, it was anything painful. Sometimes I hurt so bad emotionally that i would go to the bathroom and sob so nobody would see me and what I felt. It wasn't depression.. I was sent to a shrink, and he kept saying I seemed fine. If I were fine, I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by what I was bearing. It was like I was a ball of emotion. It wore on me physically, and I was diagnosed with a few chronic illnesses. I always wonder if I got 'sick' because of what I felt.
Often, when I felt all of these things, it was sudden, like a burst. Sometimes it wasn't as strong, sometimes it would lessen. I was hurt a few times when I ran to men for comfort and they took advantage f the fact that i was weak.
Is it wrong to want to sit next to someone's chair and nuzzle their leg, or have someone pet your head like they would an animal? Sometimes I think that's all I've ever wanted.. just to recieve nonsexual attention that makes me feel wanted. It doesn't even have to be from somone i'm 'in a relationship with..' The only way to put it is that I wish I were some housepet so it would be acceptible for me to just sit at everyones feet and be cuddled. Maybe I'm crazy.
In highschool, I met a clairscentient. She observed me without me knowing, but she and another person asked if i had ever heard of an empath. I had't. She explained that they can pick up on other people's emotions. I had never though of the possibility of doing so, but it began to make sense. when someone was upset or angry, I'd feel that way before they expressed themselves. I never realized that most people don't see emotions immediately, but I also was skeptical of the idea that I could do something like that.
One night, when my friend felt 'something in the room', she asked me if I was 'picking up on' anything. I gave her a short list. She said that it matched whatever she felt or something. I still was skeptical.
Then a friend of mine and i were talking. I started feeling a pain in my right shoulder, and she complained that she had a pain there without me even moving. Them my knee started itching. I didn't move. She itched her knee.
I visited a friend of a friend somewhat recently. They were into seeing spiritual forms or something... i'm not quite sure how it all works... but she said everyone has a spiritual form. she told me i was a faye, without knowing me well... I never really thought of it.
Still another night, another friend was trying to teach me how to practice 'shielding' techniques, like a psychological/spiritual sphere around oneself to protect oneself from negative things. she said it should be clear or white in my mind. i tried to envision clear or white, but the color green kept popping up.
i addition to all of this, I've always felt like i should be someone's pet.. just be pet and have my head scratched and be cuddled. I've often sat at the feet of friends and clung to their legs if they were the cuddly type. Still, they were often a bit confused or wierded out.
This entire day, I have felt ill. I think it's just the crying and the stress. I have a job that is very physical, so it's been difficult going through the motions. It doesn't help that my boyfriend is far away for a few moths and has not been calling. I feel so alone. I've no friends here, no family... and I'm not sure what my heart is doing or why my mind keeps twirling. I'm so tired, I just want to crash, but if I sleep, everything will still be here. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do.
I could try to combine all of these things somehow in my head to make inferences, but i don't want to just make something up to explain everything. I'm a bit of a mystic i suppose, but a follower of Christ, yet I feel like I'm in the middle of everything, connecting things. I feel like I'm contradicting.. innocent but mischivous.. dark but light... joyful yet tragic.... I feel like nothing really makes sense, and I'm confused.
Tonight I cried for want of breath. I feel useless somehow - I can't keep up with life if I always feel like all of my energy must be spent trying not to drown in the sea of confusion and negativity and pain I so often find myself in. I'm so tired.
Much of this I cvopied and pasted from yesterday's entries, but today.. today it is that much worse. I found myself asking why I'm even here if I am so easily overcome. I shouldn't hurt so much... I'm not depressed, I just hurt, mentally, physically, and spiritually. It's like I'm in a constant state of mourning and agony even when it doesn't make any sense. After a while, I just reach a point where I break down and cry. The tears are there, but it's like I have to let them all flow out to have room for myself. The tears don't feel like they do when I know I should be upset. They're more bitter and confused and deep. Everything is so deep...
If anyone has anything to say, any thoughts, suggestions, ideas, conclusions.... anything... please... I want my life back. I'm tired of being trapped in this nightmare.