I just joined. I'm not quite sure what urged me to do so as I was actually skimming through communities with interest in S&M, but “relationship venting” caught my eye. I'm not sure if resorting to the Internet for help with my relationship problems means I'm pathetic and incapable of rectifying my own troubles or just really bored. Of course, no offense intended.
Where to start? I'm in a fairly dysfunctional relationship, for lack of a better word. I'm not positive I even know how to summarize all of the events that have occurred and shaped my current state of mind. I'm an un-medicated bi-polar, so I don't trust myself much when it comes to big decision making. Most of my negative thoughts are all zealously extreme and spur-of-the-moment angry girlfriend ranting type stuff.
Sorry if this is really run together and jumbled bits of information. I don't write so well at four in the morning.
I've been with my boyfriend, Seth, for what's two years now. I moved in with him back in June. He has a couple of issues. He's twenty-two, an ex-heroin addict/cokehead and also has some financial problems. He can be a real bastard sometimes. He yells a lot for no reason and is insanely jealous(understatement of the year). He hit me once, but I can't hold that against him since he's never let himself forget it and hasn't done anything of the sort since. Before he was with me he used to be somewhat of a sex-addict in the loosest context of the word, as he'd go out and have sex with random and complete strangers three times a day at the least. He also had a very dysfunctional childhood and isn't one of the most mentally right or stable people. From what I know, his parents were very demented. They literally ignored him. They never so much as spoke to or looked at him and they punished and yelled at his sister if she even acknowledged he was there, referring to him as her imaginary friend, saying there was no one there and she was embarrassing them by talking to or paying him any attention. He really isn't fond of the silent treatment.
Of course, his good qualities all override the bad ones.
Back in early October (we had already started a daily ritual of arguing long before then because I had went away with my parents for a while and stopped talking to him over a huge misunderstanding courtesy of this psychotic girl, Noemi, who's in love with him, but yeah) he was struggling with falling back in to habitual drug-use, had recently found out he has stomach cancer and had been receiving radiation therapy that also affected him emotionally. He cheated on me, but it was a one-night-stand, he was drunk and high at the time (I heard a rumor that clouds your judgment), he told me the next day and then begged for my forgiveness. I told him I was more concerned about him doing drugs again rather than cheating on me. I made him swear never to touch any drugs or alcohol again, and told him if he wasn't able to do that I was going to leave him. Shortly after that my birthday came up. We celebrated it, but I ended up telling him that when we first met I had lied to him about my age and was actually fifteen when we started dating and only recently turned seventeen whereas he thought I was nineteen turning twenty. He didn't take it very well. After that I left him alone for a few days by his request, and when I came back I first noticed there were two huge scabs on the undersides of either of his arms. If I brought up anything relating to us, what the fuck happened to his arms or what was going on with him he wouldn't respond — he'd act as if he didn't hear me. He still hasn't told me what happened to his arms and the marks are still vaguely there, but we did discuss the subject of my age and the fact that I'm jailbait and he established that he doesn't care and still wants to be with me. So we were good for a short while again after that, but the cancer started getting rapidly worse. He was having unbearable abdominal and back pains and nausea and had to stop showing up for work. Then his best friend he's known since before puberty, Alain, was fired from his job and evicted from his apartment, so Seth offered to let him stay with us. He's recently found another job but is still staying here until he sorts out the ‘place to stay’ part.
Seth's bisexual, so Alain and him used to be in a relationship but broke up because Alain had an affair with another girl, but now Alain says he's in love with him again. Seth says he doesn't have any feelings for him especially after the way their relationship ended, but I don't know. It was tons-of-fun of awkward tension after he moved in. Alain was very clingy with him, though Seth didn't act affectionate back towards him, and it bothered me. But, the cancer kept getting worse and at the beginning of this December he was hospitalized and is now receiving a mixture of the radiation and chemotherapy treatments.
Right before he was hospitalized he brought up this silly shit about how he's such a worthless fuck-up and I'm better off finding someone of my own age because all he's going to do is ruin my life too, but I know for a fact breaking up with him is the last thing he wants me to do.
I noticed something else that really concerns me. Also before he was hospitalized and unable to leave the house, he was gone a lot more, he hung around with his drug dealer friend Etienne a lot more and he had a significantly greater amount of money on him. I remember some guy came to his door once and seemed really distressed, saying something about money and Etienne and then him and Seth went outside to talk. I wasn't able to hear any more of their conversation beyond that. As I said, he's had a lot of financial problems so I'm not sure if he's dealing drugs now to pay it all off or what. And if he is, him being around drugs and being an ex-drug addict doesn't comfort me much.
I talked to Alain over AIM recently (we actually get along when Seth isn't around) and I told him that I was seriously contemplating breaking up with Seth basically because I can't handle all of his crazy antics. I have left much out from this entry as I lack the ability to coherently piece it together and not have it be ridiculously long. Alain, to my surprised, actually tried to talk me out of it. I didn't understand his reasoning at all at first, but he let me in on everything Seth has said in regards of me and showed me a log from a previous conversation he had with him where he basically said he was worried that I was going to break up with him and was considering killing himself if that happened. Not in that exact wording, it was much less ‘emo’ shall we say, but he basically said he doesn't see any point in his life apart from being with me and thinks he's useless to society because he dropped out of high-school. He said his life feels like an extended epilogue and he's not attached to anything here other than me that could possibly convince him to tolerate being alive. Then he said, in response to something Alain said, that he didn't say he had plans to kill himself any time soon, he was only bringing that idea in to play if I did in fact end up leaving him, which he was most obviously hoping against. Then Alain asked why he wasn't going to tell me that he was suicidal and he said the only thing telling me will do is make me feel guilty and compelled in to staying in the relationship.
And now the last time I went to visit him I also found out he's been hurting himself, which is extremely out of character for him. As is all of his talk of suicide.
I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing or how I ended up here. As I said, I'm only seventeen and he has some really serious problems that I just can't help with. Especially if he's dealing drugs. I don't know what to do. I basically feel powerless.
He's been getting worse since the chemotherapy started. I think it's hurting him more than it's helping. The cancer keeps spreading and now his back and neck are bothering him along with his stomach. The neck thing is usual since he broke his neck a few years back and has had problems with it ever since, but according to the doctors he's been in a drastically larger amount of pain. They have him so doped up on painkillers that when I go over there I can't even talk to him. Otherwise I probably would've already discussed all of this with him.
I love him but if and when he does get better, I think I want to at least have a trial separation, maybe just take a break from things for a little while, but I don't know how he'd react to that. I don't even know if he's going to get better.
On top of all of that, it turns out my mom's neighbor works at the same hospital where Seth is staying. My mom left a message on the answering machine saying that the neighbor called and said she thought she saw me being ‘intimate’ with an older guy at her job. My parents are under the impression that I'm living with friends right now.
What can they do in that situation if they were to find out, anyway? Legally, what would happen? Especially considering the fact that he has cancer. They can't send him to jail when he's in need of medical treatment, life or death situation.
I don't know exactly what the legal consequences are of being in a sexual/romantic relationship with someone underage.
But, then again, I can always play it off as the neighbor is out of her mind and has no idea what she's talking about.
Alain says we both need to get on some meds.