• slajiur

Ugh. I hate life.

And so I checked my mail today and having had received a cheque from my girlfriend, I deposited it in the bank via the ATM and decided I needed some liquor.

The only liquor store I know in the area is 17 blocks or so from my place, so I simply walked.  I enjoy walking, it gives me a chance to move and breathe fresh air and not have to really cope with life.  And you know, that's why a lot of us drink anyhow.  But also it's a lot more interesting that being straight all of the time.  Sobriety is a bit of a bitch.

I'm always trying to forget, always trying to just get away from it all.  And drinking is the cheapest way I can think of.  The only thing is, there's the inevitable fall, at which point everything bad you're trying to escape comes back.  Unliess you get really, really shitfaced, but it takes so much for that to happen to me anymore that it rarely does.  Last week I went to a friends house and consumed more than half a bottle of rum and then went to a bar.  I was really drunk when I got home, but I've raised my tolerance so much that it takes more than a little to get me completely forgetful, at least at that very moment.  I was trashed, but only for about thirty minutes.  To me and those I tell, it seems, it's kind of weird.  I drink excessively and I'll be wasted but only for a short time frame.  Maybe ten or twenty minutes.  And then I'm straight again.  Perhaps you don't entirely believe that, but I don't really care.  All that generally lasts is that I maybe can't feel my fingers, but my mind starts thinking straight and I stop stumbling around.

I had gotten some cheap rum from the store and then picked up some coke and when I got back I began pouring back drinks.  At one point I actually got pretty drunk but now I'm at that coming down point now.  Tonight the climax was the worst, though.  Now I may be bitter and angry and depressed already, but I was reading over old conversations with my girlfriend--they log and generally I don't look over them, but they've proven useful in the past.  Looking up addresses that have been passed between us or just even when we have a momentary lapse of something that we needed to remember.  Regardless, I have these conversations between her and I from before we got together and I read over them and they dropped me.  I read over our jokey conversations, the stupid things I said to try to endear her to me, the stupid things that would be of no consequence now, the stupid things that have become nothing more than a forgotten memory... and I began to pine for them.

Life was different then even if only because back then I didn't have a job and yet I didn't have to worry about money.  I was in college, y'know?  It's different then.  If you're on a huge loan you have all of this money at hand and you can drink or drug (or both) yourself into a stupor.  So I was reminded of how everything was back then.  Easier, if nothing else.  Now I'm in a position where I have rent and bills and no money.  The longest I've held a job since I got out of college was for four months but I lost my mind a little and had to quit spontaneously.  I got a job with the Democratic National Committee afterward, but I wasn't important, I was just canvassing.

But now I'm unemployed again and drinking again.  Well, I could say drinking again every week.  When I had a job it was every day.  When I was in college it was every hour.

I haven't had a good drunken experience since August tenth, though.  Odd that I can remember the exact date, huh?  I remember that night I came home and I was so drunk I couldn't read the screen and I was trying to talk to my girlfriend.  Somehow we ended up on webcam but after maybe ten minutes, I put my head down and passed out.  That was a good night, though.  I'd been out with a buddy from work (an older guy--59 years old) and I had drink after drink.  Obviously enough that I passed out.

Since then every time I've gotten drunk it's been quite melancholy.

And it's so much so that I don't even know why I'm writing this.  Actually, it's mostly that over the time that I've been writing this (about an hour for various reasons) I've sobered up and I'm looking back at this and thinking, "Boy, this is dumb."



wow.  So... I've had another five long islands tonight.  But in a much.  Much.  Much shorter time frame.

I'm so trashed I can't see straight.  Nor can I type.  Well, minutely, but I'm operating at about fifteen or twenty words a minute.  I kinda feel like I'm going to puke, but I know I won't.  I don't puke, nor do I get hangovers.  Ever.

I smoked a pack and a half of cigs tonight.  Why is it so easy to go through a pack of cigs while drunk?

But, as I said in my comment to another member here, all I can think about is my ex.  It's stupid, I know.  Particularly because I have someone else.  I have for... well, over a year.  I've been in utter love with this girl for over a year.  And yet... all I can think about is an e-mail I got from my ex, and a conversation we had this morning as I drove to work.  I sent her a cell phone, hoping that it would make things better between us (I know, it's a dumb relationship move, but I think all guys go through this at one point or another), and she told me today:

"I just want to send this phone back. I don't want it anymore so I'm just gonna mail it back today in the thing that I got for it. I still think it'll be fine.


And I don't know what to think.  The "=/" face makes me think she's upset about it.  The rest of it makes me think that she just fucking hates me now.  Which is fine, I guess, but I dont't want to be viewed as a waste of time, or a mistake.  She says she's having a hard time getting over me, but she went on a date the weekend after we broke up!  Now, given, I was talking to another girl about hooking up before I even broke up with her, but still!  I want to be more special than that.  It's asking too much, I know, but still.

God damn.  I am SO drunk.  I can't even see the text I type very well.

Well..  Never mind that part about not throwing up.  Stupid buffalo wings.  I'm still really drunk, and i feel better, but damn, I hate puking.   I shouldn't have eaten anything.  Anyhow, the whole ex thing.  Yeah.  There's this girl and I've loved her for a long time.  So it's stupid that I'm upset about my ex.  Urgh.

Anyhow.  I think I need to get to bed and sleep.  I have to be up in little over four hours.  Gosh.

So there we go.  My first actual stupid, drunken post on alcoholics.  Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

sober edit:

at least I recognised that it was horribly stupid.

mmm, alcohol.

So I've been a pretty heavy drinker for a while, but I always forget to post here when I'm drunk.  Go figure.

Quite often lately I've been going out with friends to bars for hours on end; I went to hang out with a friend last Saturday and we started the afternoon with a hike 'cos I live in fucking Portland and it's beautiful.  Plus it was really hot.  And I just wanted to walk constantly.  After our hike we had a barbecue and another friend of ours showed up.  After a few hours of just talking we decided to go to a bar.  We hung out there for about four hours and I had three long islands, mostly 'cos I was super depressed.  We had been discussing politics and economics and the way we discussed... how things are in the world, it really saddened me.

The waitress came along shortly after and, at this point having had two long islands already, I asked her, "What is your strongest drink?  The one with the most alcohol?"  Everyone kind of laughed and she told me it was, in fact, the long island.  This kinda bummed me out too, but I told her I'd just have another.  As it turns out, most bars won't serve you more than two in an evening because they have such a high alcohol content.  I guess I should have told her, "No, no, it's all right.  I belong to an alcoholics group."  Anyhow, she tells me she'll bring me another, and just tell the bartender that it's for another table or something.

After I finished this drink, I was kind of buzzed and suggested that we walk around.  We did so and half an hour later I was entirely sober.  So I talked one of my friends into going to another bar, and we just talked about music and computers and shit the whole time.  I enjoy spending time with him because we can talk about... well.... geek stuff that I can't talk to most of my friends about.  He has a degree in telecommunications, though, so he knows a fair bit more than I.  We rambled on and on about Phish and The Brian Jonestown Massacre and Jandek and various other bands and musicians.  And I had two more long islands.

We also spent the evening picking up on a waitress for my firend; though, I kept giving her drags from my cigarette and conversing and such.  At one point she left and my friend looked at me and said, "Dude... you''ve got to stop.  You're out doing me!"  Totally aggravated me because I had just kept trying to get her to come back for him, and I wasn't even flirting.

Anyhow, at around 2:30 we left the bar and, though I'd been drinking all night (I'd had several drinks, at least three, at my friends house during the barbecue, too.... rum and coke!), I was entirely sober after ten minutes.  It was kind of depressing.

I either need to drink less so I don't have such a tolerance for it... or drink way more.

I think I need to drink way more.

I'm looking for some concurrence.
A fairly unpleasant fellow.

(no subject)

Da svidanya everyone. I'll drink to your healths in Japan and California.


I had bottles of rum last night. I'd say the number of it, but my friend threw them away before I knew how many I drank. All I remember is that he was smoking some weed and he had half a bottle to himself. He was quite chemically enhanced and inebriated when I hit my third bottle. I lost count when I hit the fifth one.

I haven't had that much alcohol... in months.

Damn high tolerance... I hate it... yet I love it.

I guess I'll miss my Guam friends for these two short weeks. But I'll be drinking over there.

Bye everyone.
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(no subject)

Name: Laura
Age: 17
Location: Australia
Drink of choice: Smirdoff, jack,jim bean,Ruskies,Vodca Cruisers,Tequilla
Share your best drinking experience: One night on leavers we had the whole house to ourselves just me an some of my close friends. We got completly wasted just wandered the streets, egged someones car etc etc.we Just had heaps of fun.
Share your worst drinking experience: i had a few friends over,i was getting bored so i decided to raid my parents bar.i drank anything and everthing i could find...then i dared my self to chug tequila.After Apparntly i dont remember this.. but my friend an i decided to run down my street in our boxing shorts, after that i passed out..I cant remember anything after the tequilla bottle.
Why did you start drinking? do i really need a reason lol
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Drunken Videos

Click Here for 4 videos of me, drunk, making fun of people I know. I had had about 4 beers and 2 or 3 'Slow Louisiana Fucks' (100 Proof Southern Comfort over Irish Cream). Not super smashed, but gettin' there.
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