Whoever said "There are no stupid questions" never worked retail

As usual, the gas station where I work ran out of newspapers.

As usual, nine billion geniuses entered the store, glanced at the CLEARLY EMPTY newspaper rack, then walked over to the counter, scratching their overall-clad redneck asses, and asked me, "Ain't you got no newsy-papers?"

So, last night, I printed up a large, friendly-looking sign, and taped it to the empty paper rack:


Examine the situation.

Draw the obvious conclusion.

Leave without asking stupid questions.

That way, you won't look stupid,
or be openly mocked.

dude! it's a tree!

phone idiots

i would just like to disclose my intense (and growing) hatred for the people i talk to on phones. i work at a bankruptcy law firm as the phone monkey. some people i really do feel sorry for, you know? breast cancer, husband died, whatever. other people get off so easy from a ton of debt by just paying a thousand dollars.

but what really gets me is that i'll say something loud and clear to them over the phone and they'll ask me for information that i just gave. so many different phone situations. i hate people i talk to on the phone quite simply.

sometimes they ask me for help on something so simple i want to say, "do you need help going to the bathroom, too?"

Because I love people so much, especially people with cell phones glued to their faces

As always, the joy of working third shift in a gas station is: no co-workers, no management; so I can do just about anything I want.

So last night I taped a sign to the counter.

It read like this:

* * *


Customers who are engrossed in their cell phone conversations and paying no attention to their transactions will be deliberately shortchanged and/or overcharged.

Thank you for shopping here!

* * *

A lot of people read it, laughed, and thought I was joking. I wasn't.

Possibly incoherent

The thing I hate most about people is their firm belief that they are in some way special.

Humans are repetitive, derivative lumps of flesh. This belief that every human is inherently worthwhile is annoying. I hate that the idea of 'souls' is so widely accepted. We don't have souls and we aren't all beautiful freckles on the nose of the giant pixie (Blackadder!). The only thing that makes us in any way different to dumb animals is empathy, not some mystical property. (Sidenote: People who believe animals have souls are brainless children.)

People who think their needs and desires are important simply because they are human and so have the "right" to be happy are fucking irritating. Just being human does not immediately make you worthy of respect or consideration. It just means that you've learnt to form mutually beneficial relationships with others of your species. Humans. Our opposable thumb doesn't look so special when all we're holding is processed fast food and a mobile phone. Our supposed 'souls' mean fuck all when the majority is a mass of selfish, cruel imbeciles.

Bloody souls. Arrogant and ridiculous. Don't even get me started on "basic human rights."

I believe the children are our future.

Sometimes I think it's wrong to hate people simply because of the clothes they wear, the manner of their speech, or the music blaring out of their car.

Then I remember:


* * *

The convenience store I work at has decided to stop opening packs of cigars and selling them one at a time. You want a cigar? You'll have to somehow manage to scrape up a whole three dollars. The local wigger community is, of course, enraged.

I have this conversation a ba-jillion times a night:

"Yaw, dawg, ah wan buy one dem cigarillos."

"We no longer sell single cigars."



"Aw, shit, dawg, I ain't got no money fo' no whole pack."

"Yes, you'd have to be a Trump, wouldn't you?"

"How come you don't sell no mo' dem singles?"

"We discovered it was attracting an unfavorable element."

"Do whu? Who?"

"Mainly broke-ass stoner children who come in here babbling in some incoherent, psuedo-eubonics-style speech, haven't got the sense to pull up their pants, waste our time with fake I.D.s that list their addresses as COMPTON, GEORGIA, and reek up our bathrooms with the stench of 'kine bud' and 'inspired by CK one.'"

"Damn! You know what? I wish I was dead."

"*Were* dead. You wish you *were* dead."

"Aw, shit. Good grammar be important, yo!"

"True dat, home slice."
Made by <lj user="aliyna">

No. One. Cares.

I'd just like to make a note that nobody gives two shits and a fuck whether your goddamn child is an honor student. Or if he's in the reading club. Or if he was a 'Participant' in the school Geography Bee.

Your child is one of about four hundred million in the world. He's not special except to you.

All you're asserting with your goddamn bumper-sticker is 'My kid is better than your kid'. We got over that when we were six with the 'my dad is better than your dad'.

Or, for those few of you who aren't asserting the betterness of your children and are in fact trying to coddle their fucking self-esteem (sidenote: This self-esteem bullshit needs to go too. Like, now.) need to lay the fuck off. The world does not love your child. The world does not believe your child is special enough to warrant privileged treatment. By showing your child that you are telling the world about how cool they are, they're going to expect the world to recognize their coolness. They aren't. The world will eat their tender and irrelevant 'self-esteem' alive, because, as I said, no. one. cares.

Take the stupid fucking bumperstickers off your damn car and put something worth reading on there instead. Sum up your philosophy. Make an assertion. Don't simply declare 'I have a child and he does stuff.'

I hate people. Hate.
  • threne

. . .

Just so you all know, while I may not actually be excited about this community anymore, I do still read the posts, and I do go through and delete shit that strikes me as lame or irrelevant on an semi-regular basis.

Included in the lame and irrelevant category are posts that start with the sentence, "Well, I guess I'm the only one that posts in this community anymore!".

Just so you know.