So Heather dumped me :( I broke off my engagement with Layken for her and was going to move to England just to be with her and...she dumped me. This is the first time that I have ever felt this strongly for anyone. I knew I was falling in love with her the first time we spoke. She said that she felt the same at first. Now she says that she is not sure that she is in love with me.
She also says that she can't trust me. She said that we can be friends but why would you want to be friends with someone you don't trust, someone that you suspect may be lying about everything. That's what she said when I asked if she believed I am who I say I am. She says that she has issues with trust. Well I know she does and I do too. Well apparently me kissing Layken and lying about my height are grounds for dismissal with her.
Yes I did those things but what she doesn't realize is everything I did for us, our relationship. I gave her my all. I didn't hold anything back. You can ask my best friend Lucy that is something I do not do. But I was so sure about the way I felt for her and thought she felt the same for me. So I went for it. NEVER AGAIN guys I tell you. NO ONE WILL EVER GET INSIDE MY HEART AGAIN!
About Layken, she was happy of course to hear the news about me and Heather. She immediately asked about us getting back together. I told her no because I am still in love with Heather. Like I said earlier I gave my all to Heather. I have nothing left to give to another relationship. And since I know what it feels like to be completely in love. I won't settle for anything less. So you see I can't go back to Layken. That would be settling.
What do I feel? I feel like someone has literally stomped on my heart. My heart hurts. I mean I am having bad chest pains. I am really sad and depressed. I am angry at myself because I feel that it is over because I didn't do enough or didn't do something right. Because this has happened to me before with Lucy (the other person not feeling the same anymore).
Anyway, I have decided that I am not going to be destructive this time (no alcohol, no coke, no burning myself, no ex-therapist, and no whoring around.) I am going to actually deal with this pain even though it hurts tremendously.
So I proposed 2 Layken and she said yes. The date is not set but it will be a long engagement. And u all r invited. I'll keep u posted.
So I had a really bad day Friday. I was really depressed for the first time in a while. I was really missing my girlfriend that passed away and there were other things really bringing me down. But I bounced back quick. Yesterday was a better day. We went on a picnic. It was fun and it was so beautiful outside. Later that day I grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. Her sister and my best friend came over and we watched movies. Just a relaxing great day.
I have been ring shopping for Layken this weekend. Yes I think I am ready to marry her. I said I think now. We'll see. I was so sure and then yesterday I started to get really scared because for the first time I am going all out and she could just crush my heart. So I don't know if the time is right. All I know is that I want her to know that I don't want to be with anyone else and that I am all hers.
Today has been even better than yesterday. Things have been really good between us except for this morning when she heard me talking to Lucy and misunderstood the conversation but we got that all straightened out. She got mad and pouted and then we got to make up :)
I didn't go to church today. I feel like such a bad person because I didn't go last Sunday either and I have no good reason why. I just didn't feel like it. I also haven't been going to bible study. Now this is no reflection of how I feel about God because I still have a great relationship with him and believe in him whole heartedly. But it still makes me feel bad about myself when I don't go.
To all the mom's out there Happy Mother's Day
Well i had my surgery last thursay. I can't believe it's been almost a week already. I got out of the hospital on monday and I'm now staying with my parents. It sucks to have to be dependent but its necessary. I know my family is doing it because they care about me and are worried about me. I guess I just hate needing help. It rubs me wrong.
But I can walk if not very far and I can do a lot myself. I just have to rest a lot and sleep a lot and take lots of medication. But I'll consider this my long needed break. I don't have to go to work or school and my mother is gladly watching my son. I'll take my time and recover it'll be for the best in the long run.
So about that friend that I told you about that may or may not be my friend anymore. Well, I have been contacting her and apologizing for what I have no fucking clue. I was just apologizing because I wanted us to be friends again. I would send little messages every now and then saying "I want my friend back" and stuff like that. Well she is graduating from college today and I emailed her and told her I had a gift for her. Now everyone knows I do passion/sex parties so I get the toys like cheap. She had mention she needed a toy. So I ordered her one for a grad gift. She turned it all around like I am fascinated with her and said that her girlfriend would be calling me. She is full of shit. The only thing I did was try to be a good friend to her. So I emailed her back and told her that her girlfriend is free to call me anytime because I didn't do anything.
Now I am thinking how I could have wasted my time on someone that is so tacky. She just totally cut me off. She screamed and cursed me and hung up on me. Then she wouldn't return my calls. Who treats people like that? Especially people who have been nothing but a good friend to them. Anyway, I have been holding on I guess in hopes that she would change her mind but now she has gone too far. And I am through being nice and letting her walk all over me. I have friends that really care about me and would never treat me like she has. So why was I stressing over her. I guess because she and I had so much in common with the disorders. But shit it's not worth all the bullshit she put me through. My therapist reminded me of a time when I behaved just like her and said it is all part of the disorder. Whatever it is. It is over.
Feel free to friend this journal...it's now the home of my online music journal.
I was a writer for Graveconcernsezine for some yrs and it's time I go out on my own.
I started my record label in 1994.
Spring edition coming in the next wk!!!
This bronchial pneumonia is kicking my ass. My chest hurts so bad and I am really weak. There are no other symptoms but those are enough. I am taking Thursday and Friday off work this week and I don't work on Saturday and Sunday. I need to rest a few days because I am not getting any better. I start working 3rd shift on Monday midnight - 8am M-F. That's going to take some getting used to.
Layken and I are together. She just told me that she was really hurt that I cheated but she knows that I have been working hard to do right by her. She says that she believes that I haven't cheated since and will not cheat again. I told her that I wanted to be with her and only her which I hadn't been able to say in the past and that I want to marry her and grow old with her. She says that she is very scared that I will hurt her again but it is a risk she has to take. I told her and I am telling you I WILL NOT HURT HER AGAIN.
So everything is good :) except my health :(
So I am sick again with pneumonia. I feel like crap and the only thing I can do is take my antibiotics and rest. Well I am taking my antibiotics but not resting so much as I am working because I just started my job not too long ago and just can't miss.
Anyway, Layken and I are not doing so well as I told her about my being unfaithful about 3 months ago. She point blank asked and so I told her as I am tring to be completely honest with her now. She is upset and I can understand why but does this mistake cancel out everything I have been doing since.
Anyway, I will deal with that and talk about it more when I have more energy.