I wish I knew why I love you.
I wish I understood why I like the pain you cause me.
I wish I didn't love you anymore.
I wish that loving you wasn't the only thing that fills me.
I wish I had the money for my goals.
I wish I had the diligence for my goals.
I wish I had friends, who were friends.
I wish you loved me more.
...and, that you never stopped needing/wanting me.
I wish I had a manager who didn't scream at me every time I inadvertently caused him to "miss out" on money by doing things I need to do, like eating and showering.
I wish I had the nerve to start a novel. And to not stop, until it's finished.
I wish I could still feel the way I did about the world as when I was a teen: where everything felt sacred and new, and every simple step on the pavement brought me ever closer to an unexplored and splendid destination. I wish I felt curious, significant, and free. I wish I was romantic.
I wish I didn't have all sorts of unnecessary habits and addictions. I wish I didn't care about my appearence. I wish I took better care of myself and followed my own advice.
I wish for a renewed hope, a bold direction, and inner peace.
I wish I could be free of my uterus.
I don't want or need it, it's an albatross around my neck.
I could become a man and get rid of it, but I don't want to become a man (not permanently anyway, I think it would be really cool to be able to swap gender at will, but that's just fantasy), I want to remain a woman, a uteresless woman but the world won't let me.
If being free of the threat of children, being free of pain, being free of moodswings and being free blood makes me half a woman then I'd rather be only half a woman than a full one.
All my friends have things going for them, or at least motivation or curiosity. One is studying abroad. One is going to grad school. One works for a bank. One is a yoga teacher with a soap business and a masters in physics education. They all have friends and hobbies and goals. I have none of that.
I wish for motivation. I wish for curiosity. I wish for the drive to try, even if I might fail. I wish to find out what I really love and what really interests me, and I wish for the courage to do something with that.
I wish that instead of writing you "tell all" letters, that I could actually tell all.
I wish that I was as confident in life, with you, as I was over the phone/internet, with you.
I wish that I didn't over think things.
I wish that I had a solve-all-matters solution that fixed all I worry about.
I wish that I didn't have so much (more) to wish for.
I wish that I actually had the gall to say what I want, even here.
I wish, someday soon, I would get a real love letter... I have a boyfriend, but even he hasn't done this.
Stupid crisis line told me "Well, sorry, honey, but guys just don't DO that anymore."
But they do. I know they do. I've seen friends get them.
I wish I don't go my whole life without getting a little piece of cute paper with lots of nice stuff written on it just for me.
It's not like I'm asking for an expensive car, or anything extravagant. Just a letter.
And I wish I could get one soon, while I'm still pretty.
I wish I could find my motivation. Where is it? :(