So ive been pretty  down these past few days but i got past it....then out of now where I get this msg in my facebook inbox.......
hey dee whats up? I dont really know what to say....honestly. I tried talking to you about this a few months back but you didnt seem to get what I was sayin. I told you that someone who is my friend was running round saying shit behind my back. Its you just incase im not relaying my message here. If there is something that you want to say about me.... Im here just waiting for it. Please stop saying shit behind my back. I love you.... I have always considered you to be one of my closest friends. If you wanna know why I dont call its because I HATE the bar. Completely hate it. I just like to chill out. Anytime you want to chill just gimme a cal.

OK LJ's the deal...a few mths ago this firend says to me that ppl are saying shit about you think she brings this up in privacy no some other chick is there....but thats besides the point. she says i was talking about her...guess what I dont talk abou ther nor have I talked about her to anyone in the past, present or future why because I dont care about this so called friend. Ive told her how i feel about her POT smoking when her kid is home. when i told her i wanted to get into the criminal justice field she told me that if that happened she would not talk to me because she rather smoke POT than have friends. does that make sense...she bitches at me but she loves me...i have not heard from her in about 3 months and now she brings this up. when there is nothing to say. She doesnt call cause she hates the bar....okay you ccant call jsut to say hi....for her correction I dont go to the fucking bar and when I do its maybe once or twice a month. yea she likes to chill...chill and smoke weed...which I dont do...gahh i dont get it..i havent talked to or about this person in mths i dont even care life is moving in a different direction and she is is a negative person so i remved my self from her and her lifestyle....and ive tried to stay in touch but i cant....and her excuse is casue she doesnt liek the bar...really you cant call just to say hi...oi vey! 

am i really that bad a person...i didnt think so.
oh well...

okay before I post this I realize that now I am talking about this person beind her back...but she already knows all this...ive told her really no harm done! 

that is all
dont want the world to see me

Love of my Death

Warmth smolders from the dark almond eyes,
But I can't see past your senuous lies.
Hair, wavy chocolate silk, inviting my hand,
Forged apathy, I both need and demand.
Full rosy lips on the serious face,
The thought of kissing you creates utter distaste.
Ears that listen, but don't hear,
My heaven nears hell with every salty tear.
Lips speak words of time and trust,
Jealousy grinds rationality to dust.
Lean, long arms meant to comfort and hold,
All smiles lost, all laughter gone cold.
Hands gentle and soft know where to depart,
Stubbornness is morphine for my breaking heart.
Face of my dreams, my future, my all,
My mirror of hope shatters against the confused wall.
To see you, pure agony; to not, unfathomable hell.
How vulnerable to be in love; how I wish I never fell.
dont want the world to see me


I have come to learn that most people have walls.
Walls to keep people in,
Walls to keep people out.
Throughout life, people break down these walls
in order to bond and connect with other people.
The logic: keep the walls up until a person proves him/herself worthy to break it down.
Those of us without walls are illogical.
Whats to keep someone from hurting us?
From manipulating us?
We put ourselves completely out there.
Open, free, caring, trusting, and vulnerable.
I show people the trust, warmth, and loyalty of my personality right away, no strings attached.
Perhaps this is why it is so easy for people to open up with me, connect with me, talk to me.
Then, when a situation arises and I am betrayed, mislead, or even manipulated...
My walls go up.
They go up fast and they go up strong.
Impermeable to second chances.
I don't often make the same mistake twice.
I'm not saying this is the right way,
and it's certainly not the best way.
And I didn't choose to be this way...
Trust me, it's far easier to break down walls,
it's a lot more work to put them up...
dont want the world to see me

bawling my eyes out... again

Yeah. So here's a good one for the books:
Anthony gets drunk with a bunch of his friends last night.
I had said earlier that I was hate it when he drinks with his friends
because his friends are ALL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS GIRLS
and his best friend is Allison--
who basically wins in every department:
-she has known him longer
-been through more with him
-knows him better
-has an inside joke with him about "ALLISONS BOOBS"
-is drop dead gorgeous
-and they hang out all the time over the summer... when he is insanely far from me
So she is like the ultimate competition.
And basically, I lose.
So I am literally afraid that they are going to hook up
or something when they are drunk...
well maybe not "literally afraid"
but the thought crosses my mind very often...
and there is nothing I can do about it.
So what does he do?
He tells Allison how ridiculous I am to think that they would hook up while drunk.
So what do they do?
They take a "suggestive picture" to make it look like
he is drinking a beer out of her boobs.

So anyway, after discussing with Anthony how ridiculous I am,
I thought I would say something to Allison about it (online)
because, you know, being a GIRL
I thought she would understand.
But NO.
She's an insensitive bitch.

This was our conversation:

car0lyn16 (9:59:52 AM): im sorry i said of something stupid like anthony hooking up with you at a party
car0lyn16 (10:00:31 AM): but i just want you to understand that i have never dated a guy where he h as a ton of drop dead gorgeous girls for best friends.. who he always hangs out with.. and it has been and will continue to be extremely hard for me to get used to
car0lyn16 (10:01:32 AM): so that is why i flipped out when i saw that picture of you and him on myspace..
car0lyn16 (10:02:21 AM): and i just really wish someone would understand it from my point of view for once because .. i know i am insecure and stuff to begin with... but this all just adds to how worried and scared i feel
car0lyn16 (10:03:09 AM): if you were some ugly nasty chick... i would know i was more attractive and better than you
car0lyn16 (10:03:59 AM): but, unfortunately for me, you have to be beautiful and funny and amazing... so i dont know if you can understand how i feel jealous but trust me, it is a lot to be jealous of..
car0lyn16 (10:04:42 AM): im not saying im mad at you or anything,i just wish someome could understand how i feel.. and i really dont think anthony ever will
car0lyn16 (10:05:06 AM): im really sorry about your uncle and ill keep him in my prayers

Sputunia092214 (10:15:38 AM): well all i can say is anthony is literally my best friend and nothing would Ever and i mean ever happen between us, i dont know if you can believe that but seriously you have to because it's the truth. we're too close to do anything, and i mean that would ruin -921323 relationships, and i'm not into that. we both see each other as siblings as opposed to anything else. i guess i cant say i can see how you feel but i mean i can imagine that its not pretty but i mean i dont have a bf and i'm very insecure but i'm not taking the pic down because it doesnt represent anything other than being drunk idiots, it's not like i showed him my boobs its not like he was motorboating me. it was a funny pic.

Sputunia092214 (10:15:49 AM): nothing is ever going to happen between us, and you need to start believing that because everytime me and anf hang out i dont need to hear that you think we're fucking, i dont appreciate it, even if you are insecure thats a stab at my moral character that i would be sleezy enough to do that.
car0lyn16 (10:18:42 AM): i never suspected either of you would actually do something like that
car0lyn16 (10:19:04 AM): i trust anthony and i know you are not sleezy like that
car0lyn16 (10:19:51 AM): but for some reason it is always in the back of my mind because he is hanging out with all girls... and i guess it just bothers me
car0lyn16 (10:21:06 AM): ive given up trying to compete with you, you're just too damn good... you've know him longer, know him better, he trusts you more, been through more with him, and you win
car0lyn16 (10:21:53 AM): it would be one thing if you were a guy, but you're not... you're worse, you are a beautiful girl who is his best friend
car0lyn16 (10:22:31 AM): and i know i have a lot of insecurity issues, and that is probably what conjures up most of these stupid feelings and fears
car0lyn16 (10:23:16 AM): but i dont know how to stop feeling this way... if i did, i would, trust me, it isn't fun
car0lyn16 (10:23:56 AM): im sorrry

Sputunia092214 (10:24:07 AM): i dont think it's a competition where either of us wins. i mean i guess i dont know how else to tell you to not worry, if it's always goin to be there i'll always be here to tell you nothing is goin on and you can calm down

car0lyn16 (10:25:12 AM): i know i need to calm down.. and i probably need to stop being open about how i feel too, because obviously it always leads to problems
car0lyn16 (10:25:47 AM): and i will do my best, but it is so hard when i am so used to telling him how i feel about everything and then he does something in spite of me and how i feel... i was so hurt

Sputunia092214 (10:25:19 AM): well it's just annoying to me, but i dont think you should not be honest about it

car0lyn16 (10:26:53 AM): i really just miss being able to talk to him as a friend sometimes...

Sputunia092214 (10:27:12 AM):(

car0lyn16 (10:27:45 AM): i dont know what to do
car0lyn16 (10:28:20 AM): because i am so used to telling him how i feel and have him make me feel not used to him flying off the handle about it, telling you, and then doing something to spite how i feel and then have it show up on myspace

Sputunia092214 (10:30:22 AM): well i guess i'm not sure what to say, i didn't realize it was goin to become an issue by having that pic and i didnt realize he wasnt allowed to go near or have fun with other girls i guess i should stop hanging out with him and he should just not hang out with his friends if its causing issues between you two

car0lyn16 (10:31:27 AM): no, im not saying that
car0lyn16 (10:31:50 AM): and obviously even if i thought about it or mentioned it to him, he would choose you guys over me anyway

Sputunia092214 (10:32:23 AM): it's not a choice of us over you tho, you're not here
Sputunia092214 (10:32:27 AM): so he's with us
Sputunia092214 (10:32:35 AM): when he's with you its not a choice over you vs us, it's you

car0lyn16 (10:32:49 AM): i am just trying to close the books on this i guess
car0lyn16 (10:33:15 AM): no, what i meant was
car0lyn16 (10:33:27 AM): nevermind, its not important
car0lyn16 (10:33:40 AM): i basically just wanted to explain to you how i felt--for better or worse
car0lyn16 (10:33:58 AM): because nobody will understand what its like to be me, and i get that.. and ill just have to get over it
car0lyn16 (10:34:31 AM): but i just wanted to let you know that you wont be hearing about how im worried that hes going to hook up with you or any other girl he hangs out with from now on
car0lyn16 (10:35:04 AM): i have to get past these feelings and deal with it myself and that is what im going to do
car0lyn16 (10:35:44 AM): the only reason i brought this up with you to begin with was to see if maybe you could understand where i was coming from... but if you dont, you dont... no big deal

Sputunia092214 went away at 10:37:34 AM.

Am I really being ridiculous?
I've tried to be rational about this...
but I have no one to talk to about it...
Except Anthony...
because he is the only person that I feel like I can talk to about everything...
Everything except this that is... I guess...

It is really hard to give someone everything you have--
your whole heart,
your whole soul,
your whole being...
and not to worry that something bad is going to happen...
Because with my wonderous track record,
all of my relationships end in disaster.
And I really want to do anything and everything to prevent that this time around...
But I don't know how to do that...
I am so scared...

I really need to start to be more guarded about things and not so open...
because I really don't think it leads to anything good.
Obviously... honesty is a bitch.
  • Current Music
    some dumb song
  • Tags
dont want the world to see me


I give him presents all the time.
Oodles of presents.
Probably more than he deserves.
But I do
because I love him
I love shopping for him.
I have bought so many things for him--
things I know he wants/needs,
things I know he can't afford,
things I know he can't get otherwise,
things he might not want, but likes anyway,
clothes, lots of clothes,
random things, like a bunny that says "somebunny loves you" for last easter,
all kinds of things.
So many things.
Things for every occasion.
I bought him a yankees sweatshirt,
I made him pajama pants,
I bought him a horse-trailride with me,
I bought him Ozzfest tickets and a hotel room,
Soo many things.
Some things I don't buy him.
Some things I just give him.
Like the picture I took of myself at AL and sent to him and made it all pretty and stuff and included a message about how much I miss him....
Or just random things that I find that I want to sent him....
Or letters, or cards, or anything and everything.
I give him so much.
And I know that he loves me.
And I know that he doesn't have money
so I don't expect a lot.
(But is a Tiffany's necklace all that much anyway?)
So I would expect maybe a little something on special occasions--
Christmas, 1 year anniversary, VALENTINES DAY, you get my drift--
well, for Christmas, he bought it the day BEFORE
and he complained how hard I am to buy for
and how he didn't know what to get me for the longest time...
And for Valentines day?
Oh yeah, he didn't get me anything--except this really cute card that he made...
But that wasn't all entirely his fault.
We are at college with no vehicle to transport ourselves with...
but couldn't he have taken the shuttle to the mall on his own if he had wanted to?
Yes, I believe the answer is yes.
But did he have anything he wanted to get me?
Because I'm too hard to shop for.
Because he loves me too much and jewelry is such an "expected gift"
that it isn't romantic or anything.
But apparently getting Family Guy DVD's is romantic.
He couldn't even buy me roses...
He knows how much I love roses.
Why not just one rose?
Order them from a place,
pay for it online,
get it delivered here.
Even if cost him $50
and even if I sound really incredibly selfish right now
he should have bought me that one rose because I would not have cared if I had gotten anything else in the entire world.
Because that one rose would have shown
that he really wanted to get me something badly enough
and order it online
for it to come here on Valentines day
to be given to me.
I am really not a materialistic person.
Trust me, I'm not.
If I was, I would have left him a long ass time ago.
But I know he is broke
and I know he is at college with no car
but other things CAN BE DONE...
He just doesn't care enough to think of them I suppose...
Thats what I did for him with the horses...
I planned ahead and paid $70
and I made it happen for him because I knew he would love it.
And it was amazing
and he did love it.
So does he not know me well enough to know what I would like then?
I don't think him NOT buying me presents is what bothers me.
No really, I'm serious.
I think what bothers me is that I KNOW
that he honored every single holiday, special day or anniversary
that he had with Lisa
(the girl he dated for 3 years)
and that he bought her something for every special day.
Because Lisa was "easy to buy for"
and Carolyn isn't. :(
And so he bought her tourquoise jewelry for every special day
because that is what she liked.
And she was happy.
The End.
Oh but Carolyn "doesn't like jewelry"
because she "doesn't wear jewelry"
because she isn't bedazzled in metallic shit from head to fucking toe.
So obviously he can't buy her JEWELRY
because she wont LIKE IT.
Well gee,
shopping for her is just IMPOSSIBLE then.
What the fuck do I buy her?
I'll just tell her she is incredibly hard to buy her
and then just find excuses not to get her anything for special days and holidays
Let's see how long I can keep this up for...
Maybe if its long enough, I can have enough money saved up for when guitar hero III comes out.
Because buying that for myself is so much more important than buying anything else.

Wow, I feel so much better writing all that.
But I'm still pissed.
So I'm not completely better.
  • Current Music
    some dumb song
  • Tags
dont want the world to see me

i hate that my boyfriend has more girlfriends than i do

Anthony Mangan wrote
at 1:11am on October 4th, 2006
To My Dearest Love
I miss you more and more everyday. Im not sure how my heart goes on beating without you. When I first heard you were coming, I got as excited as I will be when the Yankees win the World Series. You are my bestest friend, and I need you in my life. Your presence brings a sense of happiness and joy that no one else can. I am looking forward to it so much that I have been at a loss for words. Nothing can explain the way I feel, and I know you are the only one who can understand. You are more important than anything else going on in my life, and when you get here, I will be sure to let you know that. I am hoping that we get to plan a party big enough to show how much i really love you, but then again thats probably not possible. Please do not hate me for not responding to the messages, but do know that they are much appriciated and each one touches my heart. It is going to be hard to get through this week with the thought of seeing you on my mind.

Love Always,

~This is what anthony wrote on allisons' wall on facebook.
That's right, ALLISON'S wall.
Not mine.
Not me.
He saves all of his cutest phrases for her apparently.
Which is funny
because he has said some of this to me before too.
Thats right, "some".
Not all of it.
And no, I don't care if its a joke.
Because I know its not.
Do I do that to him?
Do I say things to other guys
that I also say to him?
Like "I love you",
"your prescence makes me happy like no one can",
or "My dearest love"????
Of course I don't
because I can separate friendship from relationships.
OK, so I know he's like the most passionate person
on the face of the planet
butwhy don't I see any of this passion?
Why don't I get cute messages like this on my facebook wall?
Is it because he hasn't known me as long as he's known her?
Is it because they have a better frienship than him and I do?

Why do I feel like
in every relationship I have
that I give everything I have of myself to the other person
but they don't give it all to me?

I'm sorry
but I don't want to share my boyfriend.
Why can't I just have him to myself?
Sometimes I really hate that he has so many other friends that are girls
because I'm sure he doesn't say stuff like this to his guy friends (aka Bob).

I honestly don't think I've ever cried this hard in my entire life.
I hate getting my period
I partially blame that.

He never does stuff like this for me.
I splurged on him for our last anniversary.
And what does he do when we're at the mall the night BEFORE our anniversary?
He goes to dick's to wander around because he was bored of shopping with me and linda.
I honestly thought he said that
because he was trying to hide the fact that he was going to go look for a gift for me.
I honest to God thought that was why he wanted to split up.
And that's when I bought his present for him.
And for me?
He doesn't think of me when I'm not around..
He doesn't plan ahead like that..
and he doesn't write me messages even close to the one that he wrote for her.
Because he says he doesn't write poetry
or love letters or anything because he's not a sap.
Well you can shut the FUCK up you hypocritical bastard.
Because obviously you do..
just not for me.

And I especially love how everytime I try to stop crying
it just makes me cry harder.

I do so much for that boy.
But apparently it isn't enough.

I can't believe how miserable I am.
My God, I really must love him.
  • Current Music
    "Lost and found" by mudvayne
dont want the world to see me


I have millions upon millions of biology modules to watch and yet all i can do is sit here and cry my fucking eyes out because I absolutely HATE YOU for making me feel like this--worthless, unneeded. You don't need a girlfriend Joe, so why the fuck do you have one? YOu didn't make any effort to talk to me for four days. It was me sending the text messages, me making the phone calls... you really just didn't care. Or maybe you did care, but you didn't show it. YOu didn't miss me, you still don't, because you know I'll be right there for you waiting... just waiting... for you to care enough to notice me again.

Yes, I am very insecure. We have already established that.

But you aren't helping at all. Yes, I am insecure and yes, I like to feel needed. Now I understand that you don't need me--really, I do. I know you don't need a soul in the world, but for some reason, there are just these CRAZY people out there who care about you...and you just... don't repay the favor... enough.

I am not mad that you palyed videograms for like 4 straight days, I am not mad that you didn't call me every night and talk to me, hell, I'm not even mad that you weren't on the computer to talk to me--that doesn't matter at all. What matters to me is that I feel like a side dish.. something optional that can be taken advantage of, or not. I can be taken with the main course, or I can be just neglected and left off to the side. But, in reality, I am not NEEDED.

Yes, it's a dumb analogy, but it works... no, I don't want to be you're main course--you have you're videogrames that you'll love far more than you can ever love me (but that's because you don't believe in "love" but that's another journal entry...)--I just want to be like... you're glass of water. Yes, I'll always be there for you but I'm also needed, in a way. You've gotta swallow down that main course with something, right? (sigh) Yes, it's a really dumb analogy, and I feel even dumber for using it, but... I've had a bad night, so give me a break...

Basically Joe, I want you to need me. No, no.. that's wrong... I NEED you to need me... and... I know you don't right now.. but... :/ I don't know...

I always vent my heart out and then I get to the point where its like, "Carolyn, you are soo dumb. Honestly, why do you care so much?" And I really don't know why, but I have a hunch it's because my heart is 4x too big. And because I'm insecure and have a low self-esteem... and when people need me, it boosts me back up to the top of the roller coaster... and when they don't need me, I'm back down... I know its dumb, but well.. I'm dumb, so it works... I don't know.. maybe this is all pointless bullshit and you're just so sick of me by now that you really want to get rid of me, except you pity me... I've been there before... :( I'm really not trying to drive you away, I'm just trying to express myself in the best way I know how... which isn't very good itself. :\ (sigh)

I like you Joe, I like you a lot... that's really the only explanation I have for any of this... if I didn't like you, then I wouldn't have even bothered caring so much, but I do... is that so wrong? If not, then why do I feel like it is?

"here I am, once again
i'm torn into pieces.
can't deny it, can't pretend.
just thought you were the one
broken up, deep inside,
until you get to see the tears i cry..."

It'd just be so much easier if I just didn't care at all...
  • Current Music
    "Tears I cry" by Kelly Clarkson
dont want the world to see me


I can't think straight.

I am trying so desperately to finish this fucking chemistry lab (which is really really easy by the way) and I can't... because all I keep thinking about is you...

You kill me, you know that? How can you captivate me like this? I really can't think about anything else right now except how I could probably go all week not talking to you and you wouldn't think anything of it. You wouldn't miss me or try to contact me in anyway. I'm glad you don't need me in your life, I'm glad, I really am... I admire that kind of independence and I wish I had some. But, I have this big red, muscle inside of me that churns blood through my veins and aches whenever I start to think that you just don't care... But that's silly, and I know that, because I know you do-- and you don't have to buy me anything to prove that, you don't have to call me when you miss me to prove that... you don't have to do anything to prove that... because I know you do, or else you wouldn't put up with me--I still don't know why you do.

Why do I always start thinking like this? I really hate it.

How long can I go without texting you? IMing you? Calling you? Being with you? I know you can wait an eternity and then some before you do any of that with me, but I'm not you... and as much as I wish I could be you, I never can be... becaus you're still so much of a mystery to me. Why do you do the things you do? What goes on inside that pretty little head of yours? You really drive me crazy, and I love it, and hate it, and can't get enough of it--and ALL at the same time. Yeah, insane, I know... but that's me I guess...

Maybe my frosty will make me feel better... :\
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    "Miles Apart" by Yelloward

(no subject)

hey i havnt posted in a while but im just feeling really stressed right now because school is approaching rapidly. School officially Starts in 1 week and a day. Oh how im looking so forward to it!...dealing with the fake people, liars, cheaters, and backstabbers. What i love most!! uhh i love vacation in the sense that its a vacation and i can just get away from everything that is going on in my life, but the sucky thing about vacation is that you have to come back. For example, I've had the BEST summer of my life this year and i really feel like i've grown and changed a lot as a person and everything, BUT i have to go back to school and my real life very soon, and the truth is that while your gone, everything stays the same. So while you've changed and grown, nothing else has which means you have to go right back to the place that made you feel the need for change in the first place, which will most likely drag you back down to the same sad, lonely person all over again.

But thats life for ya
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