|bawling my eyes out... again
||[Jun. 2nd, 2007|10:57 am]
|||||some dumb song||]|
Yeah. So here's a good one for the books:
Anthony gets drunk with a bunch of his friends last night.
I had said earlier that I was hate it when he drinks with his friends
because his friends are ALL DROP DEAD GORGEOUS GIRLS
and his best friend is Allison--
who basically wins in every department:
-she has known him longer
-been through more with him
-knows him better
-has an inside joke with him about "ALLISONS BOOBS"
-is drop dead gorgeous
-and they hang out all the time over the summer... when he is insanely far from me
So she is like the ultimate competition.
And basically, I lose.
So I am literally afraid that they are going to hook up
or something when they are drunk...
well maybe not "literally afraid"
but the thought crosses my mind very often...
and there is nothing I can do about it.
So what does he do?
He tells Allison how ridiculous I am to think that they would hook up while drunk.
So what do they do?
They take a "suggestive picture" to make it look like
he is drinking a beer out of her boobs.
THANKS FOR BEING SO SENSITIVE TO MY FEELINGS.
AND I DONT CARE IF THEY ARE RIDICULOUS FEELINGS
BUT THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
CAN I TRUST YOU TO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS ALL MY OTHER BULLSHIT FEELINGS?
WHY CAN'T I JUST TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ANYMORE?
WHY DON'T YOU CARE?
YOU WOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO ME BEFORE WE WERE DATING.
YOU WOULD ALWAYS COMFORT ME WHEN I WAS BEING RIDICULOUS.
YOU CAN'T JUST LOVE THE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ME,
OR THE FUNNY ME,
OR THE SMART ME,
OR THE PRETTY ME,
OR THE OUTGOING ME,
OR THE WACKY/CRAZY ME.
YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME:
THE RIDICULOUS ME,
THE INSECURE ME,
THE BITCHY ME,
THE ANGRY ME,
THE PMS-ING ME,
THE EXTREMELY RIDICULOUS ME,
THE EXTREMELY INSECURE ME,
THE JEALOUS ME,
THE STUPID ME,
THE UNBEARABLE ME,
AND THE EXTREMELY, ULTRA-RIDICULOUS ME.
YOU HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME.
So anyway, after discussing with Anthony how ridiculous I am,
I thought I would say something to Allison about it (online)
because, you know, being a GIRL
I thought she would understand.
She's an insensitive bitch.
This was our conversation:
car0lyn16 (9:59:52 AM): im sorry i said of something stupid like anthony hooking up with you at a party
car0lyn16 (10:00:31 AM): but i just want you to understand that i have never dated a guy where he h as a ton of drop dead gorgeous girls for best friends.. who he always hangs out with.. and it has been and will continue to be extremely hard for me to get used to
car0lyn16 (10:01:32 AM): so that is why i flipped out when i saw that picture of you and him on myspace..
car0lyn16 (10:02:21 AM): and i just really wish someone would understand it from my point of view for once because .. i know i am insecure and stuff to begin with... but this all just adds to how worried and scared i feel
car0lyn16 (10:03:09 AM): if you were some ugly nasty chick... i would know i was more attractive and better than you
car0lyn16 (10:03:59 AM): but, unfortunately for me, you have to be beautiful and funny and amazing... so i dont know if you can understand how i feel jealous but trust me, it is a lot to be jealous of..
car0lyn16 (10:04:42 AM): im not saying im mad at you or anything,i just wish someome could understand how i feel.. and i really dont think anthony ever will
car0lyn16 (10:05:06 AM): im really sorry about your uncle and ill keep him in my prayers
Sputunia092214 (10:15:38 AM): well all i can say is anthony is literally my best friend and nothing would Ever and i mean ever happen between us, i dont know if you can believe that but seriously you have to because it's the truth. we're too close to do anything, and i mean that would ruin -921323 relationships, and i'm not into that. we both see each other as siblings as opposed to anything else. i guess i cant say i can see how you feel but i mean i can imagine that its not pretty but i mean i dont have a bf and i'm very insecure but i'm not taking the pic down because it doesnt represent anything other than being drunk idiots, it's not like i showed him my boobs its not like he was motorboating me. it was a funny pic.
Sputunia092214 (10:15:49 AM): nothing is ever going to happen between us, and you need to start believing that because everytime me and anf hang out i dont need to hear that you think we're fucking, i dont appreciate it, even if you are insecure thats a stab at my moral character that i would be sleezy enough to do that.
car0lyn16 (10:18:42 AM): i never suspected either of you would actually do something like that
car0lyn16 (10:19:04 AM): i trust anthony and i know you are not sleezy like that
car0lyn16 (10:19:51 AM): but for some reason it is always in the back of my mind because he is hanging out with all girls... and i guess it just bothers me
car0lyn16 (10:21:06 AM): ive given up trying to compete with you, you're just too damn good... you've know him longer, know him better, he trusts you more, been through more with him, and you win
car0lyn16 (10:21:53 AM): it would be one thing if you were a guy, but you're not... you're worse, you are a beautiful girl who is his best friend
car0lyn16 (10:22:31 AM): and i know i have a lot of insecurity issues, and that is probably what conjures up most of these stupid feelings and fears
car0lyn16 (10:23:16 AM): but i dont know how to stop feeling this way... if i did, i would, trust me, it isn't fun
car0lyn16 (10:23:56 AM): im sorrry
Sputunia092214 (10:24:07 AM): i dont think it's a competition where either of us wins. i mean i guess i dont know how else to tell you to not worry, if it's always goin to be there i'll always be here to tell you nothing is goin on and you can calm down
car0lyn16 (10:25:12 AM): i know i need to calm down.. and i probably need to stop being open about how i feel too, because obviously it always leads to problems
car0lyn16 (10:25:47 AM): and i will do my best, but it is so hard when i am so used to telling him how i feel about everything and then he does something in spite of me and how i feel... i was so hurt
Sputunia092214 (10:25:19 AM): well it's just annoying to me, but i dont think you should not be honest about it
car0lyn16 (10:26:53 AM): i really just miss being able to talk to him as a friend sometimes...
Sputunia092214 (10:27:12 AM):(
car0lyn16 (10:27:45 AM): i dont know what to do
car0lyn16 (10:28:20 AM): because i am so used to telling him how i feel and have him make me feel better....im not used to him flying off the handle about it, telling you, and then doing something to spite how i feel and then have it show up on myspace
Sputunia092214 (10:30:22 AM): well i guess i'm not sure what to say, i didn't realize it was goin to become an issue by having that pic and i didnt realize he wasnt allowed to go near or have fun with other girls i guess i should stop hanging out with him and he should just not hang out with his friends if its causing issues between you two
car0lyn16 (10:31:27 AM): no, im not saying that
car0lyn16 (10:31:50 AM): and obviously even if i thought about it or mentioned it to him, he would choose you guys over me anyway
Sputunia092214 (10:32:23 AM): it's not a choice of us over you tho, you're not here
Sputunia092214 (10:32:27 AM): so he's with us
Sputunia092214 (10:32:35 AM): when he's with you its not a choice over you vs us, it's you
car0lyn16 (10:32:49 AM): i am just trying to close the books on this i guess
car0lyn16 (10:33:15 AM): no, what i meant was
car0lyn16 (10:33:27 AM): nevermind, its not important
car0lyn16 (10:33:40 AM): i basically just wanted to explain to you how i felt--for better or worse
car0lyn16 (10:33:58 AM): because nobody will understand what its like to be me, and i get that.. and ill just have to get over it
car0lyn16 (10:34:31 AM): but i just wanted to let you know that you wont be hearing about how im worried that hes going to hook up with you or any other girl he hangs out with from now on
car0lyn16 (10:35:04 AM): i have to get past these feelings and deal with it myself and that is what im going to do
car0lyn16 (10:35:44 AM): the only reason i brought this up with you to begin with was to see if maybe you could understand where i was coming from... but if you dont, you dont... no big deal
Sputunia092214 went away at 10:37:34 AM.
Am I really being ridiculous?
I've tried to be rational about this...
but I have no one to talk to about it...
because he is the only person that I feel like I can talk to about everything...
Everything except this that is... I guess...
It is really hard to give someone everything you have--
your whole heart,
your whole soul,
your whole being...
and not to worry that something bad is going to happen...
Because with my wonderous track record,
all of my relationships end in disaster.
And I really want to do anything and everything to prevent that this time around...
But I don't know how to do that...
I am so scared...
I really need to start to be more guarded about things and not so open...
because I really don't think it leads to anything good.
Obviously... honesty is a bitch.