February 11th, 2009


(no subject)

I'm not sorry for being unresponsive.
I'm fucking mad at you. I hate you for leaving me here.
I hate that I'm mad at you for it, because I love you.
I just hate everything right now. I don't even want to be here.
Nothingness would be preferable to this kind of pain.
  • star95k

(no subject)

1.) my ass is gonna get effing jumped one day. i'm so damn rude to starngers. ugh!

2.) i wanted to take it  S L O W, but because i'm not doing anything with you, you want to break up. wtheck!?
whatever, you'll see what you're missing out on soon enough.

3.) I HATE VALENTINES DAY.  [i wish i had one though :( . .]

4.) i think i want to test out the girls..bi alert  for me.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
secret key

(no subject)



(no subject)

People keep asking me what's wrong and why I've been so down lately. I don't want to tell them but it's the fact that Valentines day is around the corner, and yet again for another year in a row I have no one. And I don't even have work to just keep my mind off of it. Seems like I'll be sitting at home for another depressing valentines day.

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like I'm leading a top secret double internet life when I post here. Because no one knows who I really am, or what my day-to-day life is like. Here, I'm just a secret-poster. I've told no one in my real life, or any of my internet friends about posting here.

Because it's my little secret.

(no subject)

x. I impressed my mother this morning by running all the errands I needed too and going a little beyond it, I took responsibility. She looked at me after I handed her the cash for rent and told her I had paid my car bill and got some stuff from wal-mart. She looked at me and said. "Wow." Im still smiling. Im going to show her I am responsibile.

xx. I want to be in elemaentary school again, just for the week of Valentines. I miss it.

xxx. Im finally happy about life. :)
  • Current Music
    Black Eyed Peas :: Dum Diddly

(no subject)

My ex boyfriend offered to pick me up and take me to work today. I said "Sure." My boyfriend knows and says he is okay with it. Is my boyfriend acting like he's cool with it and really kinda mad? I'm really bad with these things.

He knows I wont do anything with my ex. My ex has a new girlfriend too. We are just friends, but if I was in my boyfriends position I'd be a little nervous and jealous. =/

What do I think?
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

(no subject)

I don't hate Valentine’s Day. But I don't care about it either. It's just another day for me, but I don't mind if it means something to someone else.

Secret: I hate it when guys (and girls) don't believe me when I say this. Just because I'm a smooshy girl doesn't mean I want roses (that die) or chocolates (which make me fat).

Why don't people believe me? Because they know so many people lie about liking the day and whether they want something. Please don't lie. If you are in a relationship, it’s bad form, and sets a bad precedent to lie . Between the two of you, you can figure out something that will work for both of you. I do care that it makes your relationship unstable or could create problems, but also (selfishly) I care that it perpetuates the stereotype (of people lying and liking it) and means I am never believed.

So for your sake and mine, try to be truthful about V-day.

elevator evil

Sometimes if I am in an elevator and someone starts running to make it before the doors close, I pretend to try to hold the elevator by pushing the open door button repeatedly. I am really pushing the one to close it.
I only do this if I am in a hurry.

(no subject)

It makes me sad when I call my bestfriend "sis" but she never says the same thing back.
I know that she has actual sisters, but just for once, I'd like her to say it to me.

(no subject)

I said "its really hard to NOT like you" because after the last 6 months, of being your friend, I am just tired of holding back and I wanted something more. Its not fun sleeping with you when I know you will ever want to be with me... because I have "baggage"

so now you are dating a girl younger than I am, thats in highschool, after you specifically told me you hate highschool drama... I'm just a little let down, thats all.

I try to be happy with what I have, but I am just getting more upset about it.

(no subject)

I love him. He's one of the nicest guys I know and he makes me laugh and smile and he's just amazing.

I just don't love him like that.

And I get it, this shouldn't be a secret.

But I just can't find the right words to say this to anyone, let alone him.

(no subject)

my girlfriend treats me like i'm her five year old daughter half the time.
i'm seventeen, if i want to rant about how a teacher disrespected me, or whine (RARELY) that i don't want to go to work
let me fucking do it. dont yell at me like my mom does, that job is already taken.

(no subject)

1) Although you have a girlfriend and I don't like you that way, when we hug - it makes my day so much better. You practically lift me off my feet and tower over me, but you give the greatest hugs so I smile all the way to my next class.

2) I could have a date this Valentine's Day, my friends need another girl for the third guy - I have no idea who he is or what his name even is, but I know I won't do it. I wish I had the guts.

(no subject)

1) Your such a horrible friend sometimes. Why do I even call you one of my bests? Everything you say is rude, obnoxious, or just bitchy. But i'm not dealing with any of your crap anytime soon, i'll let things be.

2) I got what I wanted for my birthday, him. But I don't feel happy.

3) Your words hurt me way more than they should've.

4) I'm starting to think i'm an angry person.

5) I probably don't deserve you, you probably don't need me. I'm probably not good enough for you. But i'm not going anywhere.

(no subject)

i'm fascinated with charles manson and things he's done and said
i believe it's terrible but for some reason i can't keep myself from wanting to learn more

i'm so afraid that the boy i've been talking to, that i like so much, will get scared away
he's too perfect. there's no way he'll stay with me. i'm not good enough.

i'm pretty sure i'm about to relapse
and it scares me that i'm okay with it

(no subject)

1. When she said I'm too pretty for you, I wanted to punch her in the face. 

2. Even though I'm excited for the cute things we have planned Saturday, I hate Valentine's day. I think you shouldn't have to set aside a day to show someone how much you love them.

3. For above said plans, I wish things would stay cute and not get physical. Mainly because I'm afraid of our relationship turning into a mainy physical one. 

4. I've been eating a lot lately, and I regret that promise I made to you. I want to be anorexic again, I want to feel sexy.

5. I wish I had the courage to participate in the Free Hugs campaign on Valentine's day. I'm terrified that no one would give me a hug.

(no subject)

Nothing annoys me more then when a customer says, "I need this and I need that." I work at a doughnut shop...you dont need any of it!!! You want it. Ugh. Stupid people.
  • Current Music
    Black Eyed Peas :: Audio Delight

(no subject)

1. Whenever someone new comes into my room, I'm embarrassed by my Fall Out Boy, Jonas Brothers, and Paramore posters.

2. I've only been with my boyfriend for a week, but I already feel very very strong feelings for him. I can't decide if I love it because this could grow into something amazing or I hate it because the last boy I really cared about cheated on me and I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

3. I LOVE the new Red Jumpsuit Apparatus cd and A Day to Remember cd probably more than I liked Fall Out Boy's new cd. I've loved Fall Out Boy since 2004 and Folie a Deux was kind of a disappointment to me.

(no subject)

When I hugged him goodbye today, the girl he was standing with went, "Aww, that's so cute." As I was walking away, my friend was telling me how she always does/says things to him about me and him, and he always gets embarrassed. I hit her, because I never knew she did that, and she embarrassed me. Even though he and I aren't allowed to be together yet, everyone acts as if we're a couple already. When the aforementioned friend tells me I should have given him a goodbye kiss, I always blush and walk away from her.

Truth is, all of the teasing I endure from this just makes me more excited. I've been randomly cracking a smile all afternoon.

Just a few more months! :)

(no subject)

I can't stand crippled people sometimes. Their attitudes fucking suck... I can understand where it comes from, but I still hate it.

(Not All Crippled People)

  • Current Music
    Muse - Hysteria

Presentation panic!

I have a small presentation to do tomorrow morning for a group of eight women who I hardly know really. I am still working on it tonight on the computer. Although it's not compulsory to do it and I don't get extra marks for it, I told myself I would do it to prove to myself I can do this! And I said I would go FIRST!

(The last time I did a presentation was in front of a class when I was eleven and that was a bad enough!)

I hope I am right.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious
  • jmuliz

(no subject)

My psychiatrist didn't notice the cuts on my arms.

Two other people asked me what happened (including my hubby), I made something up.

I'm not gonna lie, cutting made me feel A LOT better.

I just need to find a place on me that's not as visible.

(no subject)

I can't figure out why nothing is good enough for me.
Why do I expect so much? Why do I expect everyone else to act the way I would?
I'm beginning to think I'd be happier if I didn't do this all the time.
but i don't really want to lower my standards

(no subject)

I rock out to Britney Spears while alone. Driving, on the computer, whenever.

I also ruined a friendship by telling an ex of mine I had cheated on him while we were together.

The secret is, I hadn't cheated on him. I didn't want to be his friend anymore.
  • Current Music
    Britney Spears - Mmm Papi

(no subject)

I've been through depression, I've wanted to kill myself for years.
But now, I finally see that being happy isn't hard. No matter how difficult it may seem, only you make yourself unhappy.
I'm okay now! And I deserve to be. I'm letting myself feel good again.

Let yourself feel good again!

(no subject)

I used to think it was sad and a little endearing how much she loves him. Now it's just an annoyance.
Every time she mentions it, or him, I flash back to every night I've ever spent with him.
I'm SO tempted all the time to tell her about all of it. Every kiss. Every touch. In excruciating detail.

The best part is that every time she tells me something about how much she loves him, I tell him. Immediately.
He's my best friend. How could I not?
I'm terrible, but I'm okay with it.

I'm sorry...

but if there was a zombie apocalypse right this second, I would probably watch you die.

I know this is my temper talking, but I've been feeling this way for a while.
  • Current Mood
    pissed off pissed off

(no subject)

I always cry really hard at the end of books, especially if they're really moving. I just straight-up sob until my head hurts and my nose is all stuffed up, because I get really emotional. But I only ever do this at the end of a book.

This is the first time I've read a book that has made me sob at only the middle part of the book. Within the first 40 pages, it had almost made me cry 5 different times. Now, at page 70, I'm just sobbing. I feel pathetic for getting so upset like this.

(Oh, just for those wondering, the book is The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I bought this book blindly because of all the wonderful things I've heard about it, and I just started reading it a few hours ago. So far, it's the most amazing thing I've read in such a long time.)


(no subject)

it makes me feel good to affirm my negative traits, i don't know why. maybe i am proud of myself for being honest or owning my shit or something? idk? but it makes me feel really good.

i need to be impressive and attractive and admired to be happy.
i am completely selfish and unhelpful.
i am a snob.
i hate taking responsibility for my own actions--i would quickly and without hesitation throw someone else under the bus and let them take the blame for me.

the list could go on.
i want to change these traits; i dislike them.
but i LOVELOVELOVE admitting them.
maybe i like having faults? maybe i feel real? maybe i hate myself for them so much i try to make myself like them to cover them up?

this befuddles me to no end.

if you want:
comment and admit your negative traits?

(no subject)

I'm not one to cry at the drop of a hat but last night I saw a picture of a 9 year old girl who burned to death (a picture taken when she was living) in the bushfires that have been devasting Victoria and cried. The deathtoll now stands at 181.

If anyone would like to donate go here


I don't really care if this is off topic and if you do care that this is off topic then you're just heartless.