June 22nd, 2007

(no subject)

My friends invited me to hang out with a pretty big group of people downtown. When I got there my ex was one of those people and he was in the process of chatting up these 4 girls that he had just met moments before. As I walked up to the group he looked over at me, gave me a half smile, and continued to get the prettiest of the groups number. He knew I saw it, and it didn't help that everyone else was going on about how he "has game" and starts asking me what the most attractive feature about him is. I wanted to flip them off and go up to him and blatantly tell him my secret: I woke up this morning by getting kissed on the forehead by my all-american lacrosse playing, drop dead gorgeous friend. That's not all, though (and I would make sure he heard the rest). When this happened we were both still buck ass naked from the wild sex we had the night before.

If that isn't a big enough secret for you, instead of telling him off like he deserved I walked away to hide my tears because I'm not even close to being over him.

Or how about the fact that I died a little inside for writing that, knowing that I get pissed when all those other teenage girls bitch about boys being stupid. I don't know whether it's because I'm a hypocrite and am everything that I hate, or because I have been so unfeeling to those girls who felt as fucking shitty as I do right now.

(no subject)

I miss you. I think about calling you everytime I am drunk and it's late. I'm lonely. I think about you all the time. I think about what it'd be like if you asked me for a second chance. I don't know what I'd say. I want to be strong enough to turn you down but I'm not. And I'm pretending to the whole world that I'm over you, when really I have to hook up with random guys to get my mind off of you. It doesn't work. I'm such a mess, and I hope you are too.

once again...

my secrets don't make me very popular on this community, but i post very infrequently.

1. i fucking hate it when people make spelling errors/grammatical errors in posts (i can post drunk & still type correctly, why can't you?).
2. i skip over most of the secrets because i think, after scanning them quickly, that they are full of shit complainers looking for sympathy instead of real secrets. share them with someone else, make a friends only/private entry. this community is for secrets you cannot, for whatever reason, tell ANYONE else (yes this is a secret because my friends don't know about my postsecret addiction & would probably tease me about it).
3. i tell everyone i'm over him, including myself, but if he kissed me i'd kiss back. but regardless, if he gets another one of my friends pregnant & makes them get an abortion again, i'm fucking DONE.
hey mister can we have our ball back?

(no subject)

i decided today that i'm going on a diet.  like, a real REAL diet.  

diets have always been unsuccessful for me, so i don't really feel like trying.  

but i am going on a diet. 

i'm telling everyone that i want to be healthier. 

the real reason why i'm doing this is because i'd really like to have sex someday.  

(no subject)

i starve for control, which i never actually have
i binge to feel alive, and it just makes me feel fat
i cut to make sure i'm not dead, but then i just feel like i'm more dead

wtf is wrong with me?


it annoys the shit out of me when all people talk about is 'oh, he broke my heart' 'i saw her again today...' i dont know why, but i just cant stand it when people are always obsessed with love. 

when its my chance to be obsessed with it, i kinda blow it off. i'm not sure if it really hurts way deep down and i cant find it, or if love truley is not my obsession.

i'm just sick of all those love songs out on the radio, and all the love icons people make everyday, and how someone always has a broken heart...or someone is still holding on....

cant you people see that there is more to life than a 'significant other'
wat about friendship? education? religion? spirituality? anything..?

(no subject)

when you're standing somewhere so high up,
when you're looking over the face of a cliff,
when you're on top of a building with only the rails between you and the fall,
do you ever wonder what it would be like if you just jumped?

i do.

i never would,
but the fear, the adrenaline, the excitement.
it just makes me wonder.
heart attacks

First Post

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic stepfather. He terrified me. I got in trouble for EVERYTHING. I was too scared to talk about my emotions (or anything much for that matter), even with my mother. My stepfather would make comments about when I would go through puberty that there would be 'double-time bitch-time' in the house. He would refer to menstruation as 'being on the rag'. He would poke fun at the fact that I had a 'bubble butt' and 'big boobs'. I hated the way he would talk about me. It was embarrassing for me. Because I was so fearful of what would happen to me, I've kept a secret from my mother.

I got my period when I was twelve. I hid it very well and I didn't tell anyone until I was fifteen.

She still thinks I was just a 'late bloomer'.

I thought I would be disowned if I told anyone. I was so scared. SO scared.

Secretly, I'm glad my stepfather died from alcoholism.

Because of his abuse I now suffer from PTSD, dissociative disorder, depression and social anxiety. 


(no subject)

i had a nightmare about a friend i havn't seen in a month.
in fact he's always in my dreams and the only friend that is.
then two mintues after i woke up i heard my cellphone ring. i thought it was him, but it said no number. i still think it is. i dont know why.

has anyone had this happen to them? what does this mean.

im afraid to sleep now.

(no subject)

he said "you don't have a boyfriend do you?"
i said "no...do you have a girlfriend?"
he said "no".
okay, we kissed a wholeeeeeee lot. for like 3 hrs in his hotel bed.
facebook says in a relationship and "i have the best girlfriend i could ever ask for".

he cheated on her!!!
with me.
and secretly: i'm happy because he said he's never felt so comfortable ever, and same with me...but i would hate to be cheated on (but hey i didn't know!)
  • fl4k

(no subject)

To be totally candid. I hate when you find out you've had something hanging from your nose.

I keep wondering "Oh my god, how long had that been there??"

(no subject)

one day he's madly in love with me. the next day he ignores me. one of his friends doesnt like me and she tries to get him to stop talking to me. sometimes he listens.

hes a jerk and i just want to forget about him...but i really do love him and its hard to get over him. help?!?!

(no subject)

The text message you sent to me that says, "I like u! incase I never told u" is saved on my phone. The first time I read it, it gave me that giddy feeling you get when you're five and wake up and remember it's Christmas morning.