||[Sep. 7th, 2016|02:50 pm]
Post Secret LJ edition
There's something about having your parents look at you in the eyes, crying, telling you how they wish they would just die already, multiple times throughout your life, that kills you a little inside forever.|
Years of dealing with their spiraling depression and childlike temper tantrums, I'm really amazed that I am as positive as I am.
People always tell me "you're lucky you're so positive, I wish I could be more like that. But I just have so much shit going on in my life it's hard.".....
I want to punch you in the throat.
They have no fucking idea how much shit I had to go through to become this person who I am today. I was not born all "positive and sunshiney" and saved by the grace of god from life's misfortunes.
I was fucking forged through the shit of sexual abuse for years as a small child, bullied for years on end, dealt with parents wishing to off themselves on a monthly basis and watched as they worked towards killing themselves slowly. Been high, cut, and did whatever else I could to numb the horrible pain of being alive from the age of 9. Until one day I decided I didn't want it anymore. No more of the god damn pain. I didn't want to be in such a terrible place for the rest of my life and I picked myself up without any help and put the fucking pieces back together again. Through meditation, forgiveness, and deepening my understanding of life and suffering in general I found the light I had never before seen in my life.
And 5 years later I've done such a good job healing myself that people actually think I must've had a "PRIVILEGED" and "SHELTERED" life with my outlook and general attitude.
Well, firstly fuck you.
Secondly, thank you.
Even though this is technically a compliment, nothing pisses me off more. So note to the world, it's sometimes the people who are the most positive who have been through the most shit. They just chose to come out a survivor instead of offing themselves. Which is by the way often times a really hard choice to decide between.
......I wish I had a nice childhood and upbringing. God I wish I had a father who gave a damn. I guess I pick friends over family because mine are so caught up in their own shit that they never noticed me to begin with. And it hurts, even though I put up a wall on the outside that's strong and says otherwise. I wish I had their love.