There's something about having your parents look at you in the eyes, crying, telling you how they wish they would just die already, multiple times throughout your life, that kills you a little inside forever.

Years of dealing with their spiraling depression and childlike temper tantrums, I'm really amazed that I am as positive as I am.

People always tell me "you're lucky you're so positive, I wish I could be more like that. But I just have so much shit going on in my life it's hard.".....

I want to punch you in the throat.

They have no fucking idea how much shit I had to go through to become this person who I am today. I was not born all "positive and sunshiney" and saved by the grace of god from life's misfortunes.

I was fucking forged through the shit of sexual abuse for years as a small child, bullied for years on end, dealt with parents wishing to off themselves on a monthly basis and watched as they worked towards killing themselves slowly. Been high, cut, and did whatever else I could to numb the horrible pain of being alive from the age of 9. Until one day I decided I didn't want it anymore. No more of the god damn pain. I didn't want to be in such a terrible place for the rest of my life and I picked myself up without any help and put the fucking pieces back together again. Through meditation, forgiveness, and deepening my understanding of life and suffering in general I found the light I had never before seen in my life.

And 5 years later I've done such a good job healing myself that people actually think I must've had a "PRIVILEGED" and "SHELTERED" life with my outlook and general attitude.

Well, firstly fuck you.
Secondly, thank you.

Even though this is technically a compliment, nothing pisses me off more. So note to the world, it's sometimes the people who are the most positive who have been through the most shit. They just chose to come out a survivor instead of offing themselves. Which is by the way often times a really hard choice to decide between.

......I wish I had a nice childhood and upbringing. God I wish I had a father who gave a damn. I guess I pick friends over family because mine are so caught up in their own shit that they never noticed me to begin with. And it hurts, even though I put up a wall on the outside that's strong and says otherwise. I wish I had their love.

(no subject)

If I say, "I love him. He's the best person I've ever met, He's allowed me to see a side of him few others do, and I feel privileged to have seen it, and that person he hides is why I love him, stand by him and consider him my best friend." Everyone thinks it is sweet. If I add, "He doesn't love me back." suddenly it becomes bad. Is his loving me the only qualifier to the love I feel being good??

Can't my love be good all on its own, without reciprocation?

(no subject)

I was told to do some 'stream of consciousness' journaling to help with the anxiety/depression. While I've decided to do it, I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I'm doing it so one day, when we break up for good, he can see how badly he's really hurt me.

Too bad he'll never care enough to actually read it.
dancing, duck

(no subject)

A guy I know who's involved with another girl is flirting with me and sending nudes through snapchat. This is not a problem for me, since I tell my boyfriend everything I say to him (we have an open relationship), however, I'm pretty sure his girlfriend knows nothing about this whole thing.

While I KNOW I'm supposed te tell the guy to fuck off, I never do. I get a real kick out of getting him so worked up with all my dirty talk (without ever sending nudes of myself- as a precaution) that he sends pictures showing me how much he enjoys it. I can even make him do it at work. Not only is it arousing, seducing him makes me feel so fucking powerful and I haven't had a lot of experiences where I felt like I could make a guy do whatever I want.

Secondly: I just don't feel responisble for his actions. HE is the one who always starts the conversation normally and then guides it in a lewd direction. HE is crossing a line in his relationship, not me. Even though I know that I should feel at least a little guilty that I'm enabling him to do this to his girlfriend (who is a real sweetheart btw), I simply don't. At least with me, the girl can be sure I'm not trying to steal him from her in a romantic way.

Thirdly: it feels like payback for the way he rejected me romantically (really petty, I know). He didn't want me then, he will now know what it's like to desire me and not be able to HAVE me. HAH.

Seriously, just hearing myself think all this.... I feel so bad for not caring as much as I should.
damn hot chick

(no subject)

I get super offended when men I've dated end up in long-term situations (or married) to women who aren't as attractive as me.  That makes me sound like an absolute asshole, because looks aren't everything, and I'm sure they're wonderful ladies, but I can't help feeling like "You left me... for this?"