acid_overdose (acid_overdose) wrote in __perfect_body,

 Where is this control I used to have? 

Before I ever let meth ever snatch me away for months at a time, I was able to not eat just by pure willpower. I didn't NEED to create a livejournal, i didn't EVER save pictures of beautiful girls, i didn't constantly think about what to eat... i didn't have periods of time where i'd let myself go over 110... or 105.. 

But then, meth entered my life. The boy that broke my heart had also opened a door for me. I now knew "the dealer" and "the prices" and "where to go" and where the fuckin' dealer lived, and how to fucking smoke it the right away. And DAMN did my body look HOT. 

Then, aboooouuuut six months ago (after the longest most disgusting binge of meth i had ever let myself go through with) i decided that I was loosing myself and my personality and my sanity and MY HAPPINESS. I mean, i WAS skinny and STILL didn't fucking like the way my clothes looked on me, i still didn't feel like everything was perfect because i REALLY FUCKING NEEDED TO SLEEP. 

but now, ever since i stopped, or a few months after i stopped, it's been so hard for me to control my intake of food. All these girls i now was re-surrounding myself with were eaters... not big, not too skinny... buuut THEY ATE. 

And, now i don't have that natural control because i smoked this 'fake control' for so long.. you know? 

breakfast: nothing
lunch: rice with terriaki sauce and edamame (i THINK that would be about 200 calories) 
in therapy: ten miniature cookies (160 calories per serving, serving: 17) (70 cals?) 
dinner: i'm not gonna have anything, there's an apple sitting in my room in case i get hungry, but i think i'll be working out all night 

(oh and don't you just love how much i followed my diet for the week so far? ---that was sarcasm)

^a little bit about my history with anorexia and being skinny and such

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