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WWN Broadcast
Wednesday, February 14th ~ Evening




"We interrupt the 'Lover's Serenade' to bring you news from the Black Orchid Hotel. This is good, so straighten your clothes and listen to Rita for a moment, you lucky lovers out there.

"Witnesses say Healers from St. Mungo's had to be called to the scene because of a scandalous outbreak on the main dancefloor.

"Spokespeople for the Malfoy-owned establishment had no official comment to give, but according to guests it was socialite and friend of the family Pansy Parkinson who caused the disturbance. Gentlemen, please, if you're going to start panting and rioting over a witch, do it over someone with her own nose. This is 100-percent Skeeter here — get it while it's hot!

"Apparently the scene has quieted down now, but with a near-orgy going on out in the open, who knows what might have happened in the more secluded rooms? Shocking behavior indeed to be linked with one of the wizarding world's stiffly upstanding (Floo me, Lucius!) families.

"As always, ladies and gentlemen, WWN is always interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. More importantly, if you personally witnessed a sensational bit of scandal, owl me, Rita Skeeter, care of the WWN. The Wizarding Wireless Network now returns you to our regularly scheduled programing."
 
 
 
 
 
 
WWN Broadcast
Thursday, February 1 ~ Evening



"... And lastly tonight, a juicy little tidbit from up north.

"It seems wedding bells soon will be ringing through the halls of learning.

"Izabel Sinistra, Head of Ravenclaw House, has of course been a well-respected fixture of Hogwarts for years, instructing classes of students in the ways and means of the stars above as the Astronomy professor.

"Equally obsessed with the heavens — especially tonight, as the full Hunger Moon fills the sky — is the werewolf who rejoined the castle faculty after the Ministry of Magic made the controversial wartime political maneuver of lightening the protective anti-werewolf legislation. Professor Remus Lupin has apparently made himself quite at home at Hogwarts.

"Now, sources say, the two Heads of House will be making their long-standing affair de coeur official.

"When will the ceremony be, where will it be held, and how did a werewolf on a teacher's salary afford what is said to be quite the impressive ring?

"Trust me, darling listeners, you will know moments after your friend Ana does.

"This has been the Witherpool Whirlpool, your source for all the society news worth knowing. Tune in tomorrow night when the extracurricular activities of the filthy Falmouth Falcons get a turn under the microscope."
 
 
 
 
 
 
WWN News Update
Saturday, January 6 ~ Evening




"... And as parents across the commonwealth well know, this weekend the Hogwarts Express will speed across the land to bring the students back to their books.

"Tonight, though, the members of the Board of Governors and select members of the Hogsmeade community were welcomed to the castle ahead of the start of second term by the staff.

"Percy Weasley, the director of the Hogsmeade Ministry office, spoke at length and quite knowlegeably about traditional and non-traditional spellcasting methods.

"So, students, take comfort in this as you head back to class: even over the holidays, your teachers went in for a little learning themselves."

"Never too old, eh?"

The sound of a door creaking open floated over the airwaves, and if one listened closely, a fiercely whispered exchange could be heard:

"Tell them about the after-party! The drunken debauchery! Tell them what really happened!"

"Rita, get the hell out of here! You don't have any sources, we'll get sued ..."

"Some greedy witch got engaged before I could have a fair crack at the groom-to-be! That's injustice! I should write an editorial ..."


A fierce rustling was heard, and the original voice returned.

"This has been Ezekiel Brunderbluss with your evening news and as always ladies and gentlemen WWN is interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network now returns you to our regularly scheduled programing."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Christmas Day broadcast



The quick fanfare announcing a feature piece lilted over the WWN airwaves, followed by the familiar voice of Horace Knickerbocker.

"Ciaran McIrney remembers his first Cribbage's Wizarding Cracker well."

A high-pitched male voice came over the network.

"I was two years old, and my older sisters were squabbling over the last cracker. I somehow got hold of one end when Marcia let go and sort of fell on it as it opened — my face was blue from the smoke for a month after. Mum was angry at the time, but brings the piccies out now whenever I have a bird over. Still have the Screaming Yo-yo I got from it, though."

The smooth voice of the narrator took up the thread.Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really looking for the particulars.

~Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911

Wednesday, November 22nd




One last delicious dish to share with you today, dear listeners.

After her sudden and mysterious disappearance a year ago, the delicate flower and socialite Pansy Parkinson has returned. One has to wonder what could have drawn her back.

Or who.

My sources tell me this perfect Pansy has been spreading her petals for not one but two of Hogsmeade's hunkiest catches. Men who were supposedly already off the market, at least as far as their girlfriend and fiance - yes, fiance - were probably concerned.

These two tasty testosterone packed men fought over her on Monday at the Phoenix according to eye witnesses. The photos are to die for. Not as gorgeous as the Streak, but still something to warm my -

RITA!

What? I was going to say heart. We can talk about warming something else later, Zeke, now run along. Rita's working.


Where was I?Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
A spider crawled across my face,
Spreading its web on the human race …
Mama Loi, Papa Loi
I see fire in the dead man's eye
Saturday, Oct. 28 ~ Nightfall to dawn





"... Get your fun in while you can, because a cold front will be settling in tomorrow. Tonight will be a busy night across the land, with pubs packed and parties in full swing.

"And why do you think it is, my dear listeners? Just because the holiday proper falls on a weekday? Oh, no, I hardly think it's that simple.

"Hallowe'en is Tuesday. All Hallows' Eve, Samhain, the night when spirits may breech the barrier between their world and ours with ease.

"Let all the good little witches and wizards have their fun tonight. Make it your own. For Hallowe'en ... does not belong to us."
 
 
 
 
 
 
WWN News Update
Monday, October 2 ~ Afternoon



"... with continuing drizzle for the rest of the day."

"That does it for the regular afternoon news report, but stay tuned for a special briefing from the streets of
Hogsmeade, where everyone is awaiting the official announcement of the identity of the director of the Ministry Office.

"Horace Knickerbocker is out in the field to bring the conference to you; let's go out to him and see what the village can expect by way of its leadership."
 
 
 
 
 
 
WWN News Update
Saturday, September 23rd ~ Noon



"And in closing, some exciting news for the residents of Hogsmeade has come to my attention. The Ministry has finally seen fit to concern themselves with the mental health of our students at Hogwarts by assigning a trained psychologist to the school. Within the same month, they're assigning a Director to the Ministry Office located at the Northern edge of town. We don't as yet know exactly who will be the Ministry's newest representative in this office. As of this time, no Aurors are actually stationed in Hogsmeade. The substation is usually deserted and seems to be used as nothing more than a layover between longer journeys. Despite assurances from the Minister himself that this office would be a direct pipeline to London for those living in the area, we've seen little more than a few paper pushers trying to look busy whenever someone happens to stop by. Depending on who fills this prestigious post, it may change and then again - it may not."

"This has been Ezekiel Brunderbluss with your daily news update. As always, ladies and gentlemen, WWN is interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond in a timely fashion. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programing."

Rita's voice can be heard in the background, "What poor schmuck are they going to stick out there? You know the residents aren't going to be very happy if the Ministry is actually going to start poking their nose in everyones business."

Zeke's sigh is heard before he replies, "I don't know, Rita. Don't you think if I knew who it was - I'd send condolences?"


A commercial for The Three Broomsticks starts and any further comments are left to the listener's imagination.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Back to school
Friday, September 1st




"- you, Ezekiel. This is Anastasia Witherpool at the Hogsmeade station, where the Hogwarts Express has just pulled in. It seems like only yesterday that I stood in this very spot watching the train pull away with last year's students."

In the background is the sound of steam being released and the ever growing roar of young voices.

"Many of those students have returned and are even now preparing to disembark. Their guide is waiting, ever patient, for the first of the rambunctious youths to appear. As has been his tradition for over a decade, Rubeus Hagrid - Care of Magical Creatures instructor - will escort the youngest of the students on their first journey to the castle."

The cacophony of voices reaches it's height as the students rush past Anastasia. She shouts into the microphone to be heard. "It's an exciting time. Reuniting with old friends, meeting new ones. The beginning of a new school year and a new adventure. Back to you, Ezekiel."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Life does not cease to be funny when people die,
any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
~ George Bernard Shaw



"Good day, all. Ezekiel Brunderbluss here with a special commentary and before you turn your dial to find a bit of music, you might want to pause for just a moment and listen."

A faint rustle of paper is heard in the background.

"Have you looked at your complimentary WWN Calendar yet? It might come as a bit of a surprise when you realize what today is. It's not only a Tuesday that must be gotten through, which of course comes before the Wednesday of this week; which in turn will flow into Thursday and make way for the Friday that will herald the start of your longed for weekend."

A longer than normal pause is taken and Zeke's voice is a little deeper here.Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future
Sunday afternoon



The newscaster wrapped up the report on a minor river troll rampage and moved to a tiny bit of business news before the segue back into music:

"Enterprising mums are getting the hop on the back-to-school season by doing their shopping a bit ahead of the crowds soon to be swamping Diagon Alley. Shopkeepers report their early August sales receipts are up 5 percentile points from last year."

"Meanwhile, all the young folk, soon to be bright scholars once more, are eager to capture all the idyllic moments remaining before the carefree days of this summer are gone forever."

"And the perfect soundtrack to accompany all your summer fun is just around the corner — a little birdie has slipped the WWN the latest from the Weird Sisters! We'll be bringing it to you before it hits the shops, right after these messages."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Show me someone who never gossips,
and I'll show you someone who
isn't interested in people.
~Barbara Walters

Sunday, July 30th ~ Afternoon





"...such varied and interesting uses for the common rutabaga. I know I'll be giving some of them a try when I get home."

"Don't even think about it, Rita."

"Spoilsport. I'll make it worth your while, Anchorman."


"One final bit of trivia to share with my dear listeners today. Tomorrow is July thirty-first, twenty-six years ago tomorrow the Boy Who Lived to become one deliciously tasty hunk of man flesh was born. One would think that this bachelor - until someone puts a ring on his finger he's still fair game, maybe even after if I can get him drunk enough - and former man about town would have no end of parties to attend, all in his honor, but I haven't heard one peep. Damn it.

If you know where the Boy Wonder will be spending his birthday...Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
"On a final note, there has been some speculation concerning the continued 'incarceration' of one Lucius Malfoy. All has been quiet on this front since the Ministry had a full scale riot when he was released from Azkaban and that - is disturbing in itself. Our sources cannot confirm anything for us at this time, but rest assured as soon as there is anything to report, WWN will be the first to bring it to our listening audience."

"This has been Ezekiel Brunderbluss with your evening news and as always ladies and gentlemen WWN is interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network now returns you to our regularly scheduled programing."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Disappearance of former colleague baffles officials
Friday, July 14 ~ Night



The search for a missing former Unspeakable continued today, with the authorities reporting no progress in the investigation.

Buford Croaker, a well-respected former official for the Department of Mysteries, first was reported missing nearly two weeks ago.

John McMathis, Auror, at today's press conference:

"In the course of his long and distinguished career, Mr. Croaker was instrumental in helping to apprehend many a dangerous criminal. As well, his investigations into certain Mysteries continued on a freelance basis. Suffice to say, there are a number of leads for us to follow and we will continue to do so."

Authorities initially became suspicious when Croaker, 60, failed to meet former colleagues for a lunch on July 3. A search of his flat revealed no sign of foul play, and McMathis stated there has been no activity in the missing man's bank accounts.

Paul Smythe, Unspeakable:

"Frankly, we're beginning to fear the worst. Croaker has no real family that could have called him away for an emergency, he didn't like to travel ... I don't like to think it, there are some bad folk out there, and they don't care for ol' Buford."

This has been Horace Knickerbocker, reporting from the Ministry of Magic. Now back to you in the studio.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Midsummer's Festival
Saturday, June 24th ~ Early Evening




"This is Anastasia Witherpool, live in downtown Hogsmeade where the Midsummer's Festival is well under way. People are crowding the streets, vendors are out offering their - "

A slight scuffle is heard over the air, ending in Anastasia muffling a curse and muttering about her foot.

"Rita Skeeter here. Voting for this year's Litha Queen is still open and remember, every vote counts some more than others so be sure to come out and vote for your favorite candidate. Someone you know and trust, someone you would welcome into your homes every evening during her segment on the nightly news. Someone, for instance, like me?"

-back that microphone, woman, before I -

"Ezekiel Brunderbluss, back at the WWN studio once more. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties with our live broadcast.

"Please remember WWN is always interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. Feel free to, contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network will return you to Rita Skeeter and Anastasia Witherpool live at the Midsummer's Festival in Hogsmeade after these messages from our sponsors."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Summer afternoon - Summer afternoon... the two most beautiful words in the English language.
-- Henry James

Friday, June 16th ~ Afternoon




"Thank you, Ezekiel.

"This is Anastasia Witherpool, live at Hogsmeade Station where the Hogwarts Express has just left, carrying many a thrilled boy and girl. To them school is out and summer has officially begun. Many a student mentioned plans for a celebration tonight.

"Here at home, things shall undoubtedly be quieter. Back to you Ezekiel."

...I said I'm on the air Rita, come back later.

"What was that?"

Someone cleared their throat and the anchorman's voice filled the airwaves. "Thank you, Anastasia, for that brief, yet informative update.

"As always ladies and gentlemen WWN is interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network now returns you to our regularly scheduled programing."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Summer is coming in; sing loudly, cuckoo!
Saturday afternoon





... remember, mums — it's Kwik-Witz quills for your students' study needs.

(Quills not guaranteed to improve test scores. Ponzi Inc. accepts no liablity for use of the quills. Kwik-Witz quills are unapproved by the Wizarding Examinations Authority.)


The advertisement ended, and a smooth chuckle filled the air.

"As our new sponsor reminds us, exam time at Hogwarts is just finishing — and good luck to all the little nippers waiting on their results.

"Tests don't last forever — no matter what it seems like — and when they're done, the beautiful spring afternoons we've been experiencing recently can be appreciated a bit more. Will they hold up, or has Mother Nature been cruelly teasing the pent-up young wizards and witches? More on that in the full weather update at the top of the hour."

"First, though: summer's coming, and with its approach the annual Midsummer's Day fair draws nearer. Hogsmeade business owners and fair committee members promise that this year's celebration will be one to remember — on the agenda for next week's meeting is theme selection as well as the contentious issue of whether to continue the crowning of the Litha Queen after last year's obvious ballot-stuffing controversy."

"Our own Rita Skeeter, the reigning Litha Queen, will share her thoughts in an upcoming editorial later tonight. Fair warning, folks, change stations while you can."

"Don't go away yet, listeners — up next is a report from Lachlan Peasegood on a fascinating fad hitting the local hag community. ..."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Open House At The Phoenix
Sunday, April 2nd ~ Early Afternoon



"Good Afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Ezekiel Brunderbluss here with you for a brief moment. Rita Skeeter will be bringing the festivities of the open house at The Phoenix into your homes this afternoon. I only wish I was there myself to see exactly what we can expect from this innovative idea.

"Please remember WWN is always interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network now takes you to the open house at The Phoenix."
 
 
 
 
 
 
St Patrick's Day
Friday, March 17th ~ Evening



"...and to end our little salute to St Patrick, we bring you some little known facts about a drink I'm sure the majority of you will have consumed before the evening is over."

A slight rustle of paper is heard and a throat is cleared lightly.

"About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonia that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calender was lunar based, this period was called the 'honey month' or what we know today as the 'Honeymoon'.

Before invention of the thermometerCollapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
A World Gone Mad. Black Lives? Lestrange Free? Pass The Bottle.
Thursday, March 9th ~ Evening



The voice of Ezekiel Brunderbluss announces, "Ladies and gentleman, we interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin. Damned mockery is what it is. In a just released statement to the press, the Ministry has confirmed the identity of a man claiming to be Sirius Black, thought to have been killed in the June 1996 incident in the Department of Mysteries by Bellatrix Lestrange. Although his death was testified to by those present, he has been thoroughly examined by the Ministry and declared to be living!

"As our listeners may remember, Black was cleared of all charges surrounding the deaths that landed him in Azkaban and has been released into the care of his remaining family for undisclosed reasons.

This remaining family however seems to include the woman accused of killing him...Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
"I Don't Give A Damn What Your Job Description Is, Witherpool. This. Is. My. Story!"
Wednesday, March 8th ~ Mid Afternoon



Rita looked up and down the busy street, moved over to a pleasant looking women and snatched the microphone out of her hands. "Damn it, Anastasia! This is my story! I spent the night under that table with their smelly feet - although the view wasn't bad - I deserve this! Shoo!"

Bumping the shocked woman aside, Rita smiled at the crowd and turned on the mic. "Good afternoon to all our listeners! Rita Skeeter here with a special live fuck, I hope very lively broadcast from Hogsmeade! As you may all recall, last night The Three Broomsticks held a poker tournament exclusive to men. Like I was about to stay away from that! Well ladies, it seems they have decided to make it up to us!"

Rita paused and held up the microphone as the people on the streets - largely women - cheered.Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
If, after the first twenty minutes, you don't know who the sucker at the table is, it's you. ~ Unknown
Tuesday, March 7th ~ Evening



"The preceding program was brought to you by the Three Broomsticks who have a challenge for all the gentlemen in our listening audience. Looking for something fun to do on a dull night? Something stimulating, but not serious? Join us at the Three Broomsticks for our first ever Poker Night! No money will be involved, but there will be prizes in the form of free drinks, free meals and a grand prize for the big winner of the evening.

"As always ladies and gentlemen WWN is always interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond as soon as possible. The Wizarding Wireless Network now returns you to our regularly scheduled programing."
 
 
 
 
 
 
Mourning Lost Innocence
Friday, February 24th ~ Noon



An advertisement for The Phoenix ended and a female voice in the background comes through.

"With all the crap going on around here lately I think I'll sign up for some classes."

"I doubt you'll find the professor's arse on any exams. You wouldn't be going there to learn, you'd be going there to ogle, harass and dig for dirt, Rita."


"Ezekiel Brunderbluss here with your noon news update."

A rustle of paper is heard before Rita's dulcet tones can be heard again.

"And your point is? It got me through Hogwarts, didn't it?"

"You have absolutely no shame do you?"

"It's very liberating, would you like me to teach you?"

"Someone get her the hell out of here. Rita, back off! Remember our discussion on personal space?"

"Well, if you'd hold still I'm trying to explore yours."

Horace!Collapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
History of Valentine's Day
~ The History Channel ~
Tuesday, February 14th ~ Evening



"Every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. But who is this mysterious saint and why do we celebrate this holiday?

"The history of Valentine's Day -- and its patron saint -- is shrouded in mystery. But we do know that February has long been a month of romance. St. Valentine's Day, as we know it today, contains vestiges of both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.

So, who was Saint Valentine and how did he become associated with this ancient riteCollapse )
 
 
 
 
 
 
Coverage Of A Press Release From The Ministry
Saturday, February 11th ~ Morning



The latest Weird Sisters song is cut off as an attention-getting sound chimes and the voice of Ezekiel Brunderbluss announces, "Ladies and gentleman, we interrupt this program to bring you an important news bulletin. We are going live to Horace Knickerbocker at the Ministry of Magic. Horace, are you there?"

"I am, Ezekiel and thank you. I was notified just a short time ago that Stamford Jorkins, Ministry spokesperson, was preparing to make a statement in reference to the recent activity concerning the inmates at Azkaban. As our listening audience is well aware, a lot of reforms have been taking place over the last few months. Rumors as to what these reforms are have been rampant, but the actual facts have been extremely hard to obtain."

I've got a bad feeling about thisCollapse )