Wizarding Wireless Network (_wwn_) wrote in __lightning__,
Wizarding Wireless Network

WWN ~ Rita Skeeter Program, In Progress ~ Complete

What's The Wizarding Family Next To You Doing These Days?
Saturday, February 4th ~ Evening

".... and that was interesting wasn't it? I'll be sure and keep you up to date on the developments as I make them appear they occur. With all the *sniff* spectacular stories lately concerning Azkaban, which I'm sure would have been of a great deal more interest if given from the woman's point of view, I'd like to bring you something a little lighter.

"With the holidays over, many people are finding themselves in a slump. What better time to have a party, just for the sake of seeing friends and relatives. If you'd care to have a special guest that could give one sided but glowing reports of your social calender, be sure a drop me an owl here at WWN and I'll see if I can fit it in my schedule.

"I was fortunate enough to slip into such a party earlier this evening. It was termed a house warming party and in my opinion, parts of it were so scorching it should have burned the building down. The night started mind numbingly dull bland enough, with sickening heartwarming displays of incestuous undertones sibling affection and the bondage? bonds of friendship. Luckily the bar was well stocked and with the promise of men to ogle and wine to drink a colorful gathering, I settled down on a wall to observe."

"Er - Rita? You did actually get invited to this event right?"

"Do I ask you where you get your stories from, Zeke? No? Then shut it."

"It was quite the pleasant surprise when early in the evening, a former Ex-Death Eater and You-Know-Who suspected supporter, turned War Hero showed up in attendance. I'd love to just tie him down and lick cream off his body. The hostess of the evening seemed rather pleased as well, much to the dismay of her identical entrepreneurial older brothers! Has the poor man any idea of the goings on in that family? Such small quarters, six boys, one girl.... My, my, my. Why didn't I have any siblings? This poor former Professor was cool under fire, when the hostess became overly friendly, What would Severus want with Ginny when he could have a grown and educated woman of the world? Like me. causing her jealous protective brothers Fred and George Weasley have grown up rather - remarkably though haven't they? Mmmm... Matching bookends... A Rita sandwich. to verbally assault the stoic pillar of manhood. Severus. Manhood. Pillar! Is it hot in here?"

"Have to stay. Can not flee in terror. Must control gag reflex."

"Shut it I said!"

"How well did you blow the station manager to convince him to let you on the air - oh gods! Don't do that to the microphone - I'm getting my own!"

"It's amazing how much you can learn about the people entrusted with our children's education when you catch them away from the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. I was shocked and disappointed appalled to find two of Hogwarts most elderly respected instructors locked in a heated clinch. If this is the way they normally behave - how are they to control the raging hormones of the adolescents placed in their care? Station policy prevents me from naming the two naughty professors - but I can tell you that they are both Heads of Houses!" Rita's scandalized tones became a muffled sound of irritation, "Stop bloody poking me, Zeke! I didn't bloody well name them-"

"You may as well have, you've said everything but!"

"Well that still leaves four candidates! So unless you want me to name their classes back off!"

"Even more stunning however was the arrival of a recent addition to the Hogwarts staff, Staff! Brings a whole new picture to mind lately. an internationally known sensation who brought the party to a stand still. As he knocked down the bloody door. I nearly transformed out of shock. It seems the naughty Professors are already trying to taint their newest colleague, as I overheard references to keeping him as a sex slave! The adorably confused young foreigner managed to escape their clutches seconds before I arrived to drag him off and ravage him senseless intervene on his behalf.

"He seemed to settle in comfortably into drinks and talk of sports with a new Healer in town I really should schedule a full physical and one of our more famous darling eye candy but so horribly rude! Makes me want to sneak under his sheets even more. Damn wards! but reclusive citizens, really, unless they want to tackle me or talk about the goings on in the locker room after the game, what could be more dull? so sensing he was surrounded safe for the moment, I moved on."

"Rita Skeeter, humanist extraordinaire. *Snort* Do people actually buy this crap?"

A small thwack! was followed by muffled cursing and a hissing voice, "I've built quite the career on 'this crap' as you term it. Would you just let me do my job?"

"Only because I have to. Someone has to stand by in case you get out of hand."

"At least two of the hussies ladies at the party seemed to have quite a different topic in mind. A local plump restaurant owner and yet another Professor What is it with all the teachers? When I graduated, I couldn't wait to get the hell away from them. Of course I had to go back to see Horace several times - just a 'mix up' over grades. Things were - worked out - beneficially enough. as well as Ministry Defensive Consultant were heard to be insulting men, maybe they'll turn to each other and lighten the competition? one in particular as it seemed the chef didn't care for a rather expensive gift from an admirer. Stupid girl should consider herself lucky to have bagged him in the first place - then gets upset when he pays off her loans? What a waste. I'd let him spend all the money he wanted on me."

"I'm sure you would. Good Gods woman, Slughorn? Have you no - shame doesn't seem strong enough does it?"

"I got an O, want me to show you how?"

"Where is that rubbish bin?"

"Reinforcements were called in, with a shocking suggestion of murder! Thankfully Damn, that would have made a good story too. 'The Boy Who Lived To Become Finger Licking Man - Brains Scrambled With Egg Beater.' cooler heads prevailed as options for training were discussed."

"Zeke? Ever been led around on all fours while on a leash?"

"Get the hell away from me."

"Mind busily taking notes appalled at the turn of conversation, I flew entered the main area of the flat in time to spot a return alumnus and daughter of a nut job well known publisher. She seemed to be immersed in conversation with the new Healer, sharing her fascination dullest conversation by far. Something about colors in there too - I've tried to block it from my mind. with botany and their global impact. It was rather - weird. They talked as though the plants were communicating and plotting to take over the world. Gave me nightmares, but I never did like those plants in my office so I can't say as though I miss them much.

"She then moved on to warning the hostess' youngest older brother I wouldn't mind straddling his broomstick - and not the ones in his shop. to avoid drinking anything red - one has to wonder why? I think she must have poisoned something, no cases have been reported as of yet though. Damn."


"No snide comments?"

"I'm still trying to figure out what you were on - what the hell were you just talking about?"

"You should have been there trying to follow it. Complete nut job."

"By this time I witnessed an act that made me certain I really must get myself to Hogwarts. To stock up if nothing else. One of the employees concerning the general health and well being of the student body was seen passing an unidentified substance to the hostess. Sex aid or illegal mind altering drug? They seemed quite pleased with the transaction, hidden under the passing of a bottle of wine. One really must wonder what environment our children are residing in. The lucky little bastards. It was never that much fun in my days."

"Ohhh, nice stress on health there Rita. No one will ever be able to riddle that one out."

"Your sarcasm is not needed."

"I beg to differ. Amusing myself through your drivel keeps me sane - don't say it."

"The men in the mean time had manged to enlist a referee for their Quidditch game, and briefly discussed the minds of women. Short of importing them, it seemed groveling was brought up as the only solution. Mmm.. I'd like to be on the receiving end of that. Hey, while you're down there on your knees. Oh yes! "

"...be a dear and clear the cobwebs - Ouch! Damn it Rita! That hurt!"

"The female half of our pair of naughty Professors, is apparently not only looking for her own sex slave - oh no my dear listeners. Running across a just blooming rose, she seemed intent upon plucking it for the pleasure of that brainless oaf a taller, hairier colleague. The conversation - turned rather bestial. I was of course intrigued disgusted and nearly got stepped on and sadly lost track of them left."

"I have no words."

"Good, it'll make a nice change."

"Another couple seemed to be barely holding themselves in check. Our hostess' eldest brother he can crack open my vault any time, appeared shockingly with his ex-fiance's sister! Must be the part Veela thing, that's an unfair advantage! The little trollop, I'd rip that hair out by the roots. The pair was flustered by other guests behavior - to the point of separating for the evening over concerns of giving his parents, whom I assume to be kept away by duties at their local pub, too much of a show! It seems this valiant effort was in vain, as evident to amused onlookers as the mother of this delicious unruly brood was forced to question her daughter's morals. The father must be a very virile man with all those children, seemed less upset."


"I was nearly squashed unable to remain for long with the family, but it seems as though his parents are happy with the match. With that family, boinking your ex's sister is probably the most normal thing one of them is involved in."

"Rita! Damn it! They're one of our advertisers, think you could cool it with the incest references?"


"Taking a break from the near trampling foul topics most seemed engaged in, I crawled leaned up against a wall, only to find the most terrifying topic yet. Two former colleagues, both instrumental in defensive strategies were expressing concerns over certain relatives in relation to He-Who-Must-get a shorter nameNot-Be-Named. Do they know something we should be aware of? Is there an heir to the reign of terror? I plan to fully investigate Snape's bedroom all leads and promise to deliver the most wonderful night of his life information I possibly can."

"Rita! You can't say that! Are you trying to cause a panic?!?!"

"Trust me, darling, the ratings would shoot through the roof. Isn't it better than the incest?"

"I'd like to put something through the roof about now. What did I do to be saddled with you? Who? Who did I piss on? Merlin? Why are you doing this to me?"

"Or famous recluse seemed a bit worse for wear after matching drinks with the transplanted celebrity, being drunk might have softened his demeanor a bit, bastard's never long without company though, when he recruited yet another charming Professor My, my, my. He's certainly long and lean, he can charm my knickers any time. Hmm.. That reminds me, need to pick up a new pair, these ones aren't vibrating as fast as I'd like. into joining their on the surface, friendly little Quidditch match. Judging by their conversation though, these boys intend to win. I'll be the trophy!"

"Note to self - bring own chair as well."

"The gentlemen had some rather - intriguing comments on the location of the male anatomy, as well as a few questions about other species mating habits. One of the questions they must have wished they had left unasked led to an offer of buying a third man lingerie! Do we get a show? Can I be the fashion consultant on that shopping trip? Now, now boys, Rita wants in on the fun! With the charming Professor muttering about finding shoes to match, the other two took a walk - more than likely to measure for sizes! Why couldn't I catch up with them? Why?"

"Who - no. No. Don't tell me, I really don't want to know."

Rita's hissed in a gleeful tone, "Lupin and Potter! Ha!"

"Damn you, woman! I take that back - you're no woman. You're some sort of harpy sent here to torture me. No I don't want to check!"

"With them off, I went in search of the Bulgarian Biscuit the other famous face in attendance, only to find myself thwarted the odd little flower girl had commanded his attention. She gave him a flower at one point, After her earlier conversation I'm sure it was bewitched in some fashion. How else could such a little bubble head keep a famous, muscular, manly man's attention for so long? a sappy sweet greeting for those new to our town. They conversed on the subject of food, differing traditions and world travel for quite some time, hogging little twit, he has better things to do. Like me! and it seems we may see a new business in Hogsmeade, show casing oddities from around the world! What's she going to do? Put herself on a stool and yammer at people? Such an disturbing girl."

"She's disturbing? Quit hitting me!"

"Using one of the oldest tricks in the book, another shy young flower made a successful bid for his attentions, Why didn't I do that? by appealing directly to his groin! It was quite pathetic shocking. Her trick seems to have worked though, as she secured the man as her escort for the Malfoy Hotel's Annual Valentines Day Ball."

"Hey, Zeke! Do you have an escort yet?"

"You can't be serious."

"Our scandalous gracious hostess continued to mingle with guests, argued with family and finally stormed off to the sanctuary of her room. Unfortunately I had to leave at this point to bring you, my lovely listeners the story, but on my way out the window door, I did note the arrival of a rather flamboyant head of unmistakable blonde hair headed back to keep her company. Shame he's a raging homosexual - I bet one night with me would change his mind."

"Are you sure the mere thought wasn't what made him gay? I'm damn close to it being around you."

"This has been Rita Skeeter, continuing to bring you all the latest gossip and entertainment news."

"Rita! Don't forget this time!"

"I'm getting there, Zeke. Back off!

"The management for some strange reason wishes me to advise you that WWN is interested in the comments and concerns of our listeners. If you have one, please contact us by owl or floo. We appreciate the interest shown and will respond in a timely fashion."
Tags: adrian_pucey, arthur_weasley, bill_weasley, broadcasts, daphne_greengrass, draco_malfoy, events, fred_weasley, gabrielle_delacour, george_weasley, ginny_weasley, harry_potter, izabel_sinistra, luna_lovegood, molly_weasley, neville_longbottom, poppy_pomfrey, remus_lupin, roger_davies, ron_weasley, rose_zeller, severus_snape, vera_vector, viktor_krum

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