I'll post most of the entry I wrote in my journal here, because it basically tells the story of my relationship with him. And that brings me to where I am now, full of problematic thoughts and manipulative yearnings.
sometimes you don't know where you went right. that's how i feel now. now that my relationship with him is over, i can finally be free. maybe. or maybe i'm back in my caged up old hole. the internet is my only respite. without it, i'm alone. without someone in my life, without some driving force, without something to lead me on, something to do, I would die.
I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to be in control of who I am. I want to love again. It's true that generally we need something to live for, but at the same time I don't want to have to have something to live for. if that makes any sense.
he didn't want me to besmirch his reputation. so let's just leave it at that. let's just say that everything went wrong. i want to write the entire story down, but i'm scared i'll be telling all his secrets. secrets are sacred, and he didn't want the world to know.
but i feel like this is the only place where i can tell. i feel like i need an outlet, somewhere along. and if people choose to blame me for it, so be it.
I ruined it. Or maybe he ruined it. Somewhere along, we both ruined it. It could have been beautiful, but we didn't recognise how sacred it was.
But here are the secrets. From here on, I ruin every possibility I ever had with him, every possibility I have, every possibility I will ever have.
( the storyCollapse )
Today he tried to call me a lot of times, but I didn't pick up. I cut his calls and didn't answer his messages. Apparently he tried to call me in the morning but I was in the bathroom and my dad answered. And then his brother called my dad (all the way from the US) to ask how I was doing, while I was at school.
He cares. But our relationship was too destructive. it's not about whose fault it is. it's just that things became too complicated and I don't know how to fix them anymore. I don't think he knows how to fix them either. and yesterday night I cut myself again, and I don't know what to do anymore..
I'm just kind of lonely. isn't that the strangest thing to say at the offset of it all? but it's true. i don't want to sound all over-angsty, but maybe I am over-angsty.