Log in

No account? Create an account
%!&#? [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[16 Nov 2007|11:18pm]

How do I find something I'm passionate about?

I don't really have any hobbies. I spend a lot of time in school and studying, but that's not really a passions. I'm just in college to get a degree so I can get a job when I graduate. I used to play piano but I only did it because my mom started dragging me to piano lessons when I was 6 years old so she could brag to all her friends.

I'm struggling a little bit in life right now, I really need some hobbies and to find something I'm passionate about or I think I will end up killing myself. It doesn't help that I don't have that many friends to hang out with, so I have to end up doing a lot of stuff on my own and I have a bit of social anxiety that makes it a little scary.

Any suggestions?

[14 Sep 2007|05:16pm]

 wut is this ~*SECKZ!?!??

circles end. [01 Aug 2007|07:33pm]


I'll post most of the entry I wrote in my journal here, because it basically tells the story of my relationship with him. And that brings me to where I am now, full of problematic thoughts and manipulative yearnings.

sometimes you don't know where you went right. that's how i feel now. now that my relationship with him is over, i can finally be free. maybe. or maybe i'm back in my caged up old hole. the internet is my only respite. without it, i'm alone. without someone in my life, without some driving force, without something to lead me on, something to do, I would die.
I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to be in control of who I am. I want to love again. It's true that generally we need something to live for, but at the same time I don't want to have to have something to live for. if that makes any sense.
he didn't want me to besmirch his reputation. so let's just leave it at that. let's just say that everything went wrong. i want to write the entire story down, but i'm scared i'll be telling all his secrets. secrets are sacred, and he didn't want the world to know.
but i feel like this is the only place where i can tell. i feel like i need an outlet, somewhere along. and if people choose to blame me for it, so be it.

I ruined it. Or maybe he ruined it. Somewhere along, we both ruined it. It could have been beautiful, but we didn't recognise how sacred it was.

But here are the secrets. From here on, I ruin every possibility I ever had with him, every possibility I have, every possibility I will ever have.

the storyCollapse )

Today he tried to call me a lot of times, but I didn't pick up. I cut his calls and didn't answer his messages. Apparently he tried to call me in the morning but I was in the bathroom and my dad answered. And then his brother called my dad (all the way from the US) to ask how I was doing, while I was at school.
He cares. But our relationship was too destructive. it's not about whose fault it is. it's just that things became too complicated and I don't know how to fix them anymore. I don't think he knows how to fix them either. and yesterday night I cut myself again, and I don't know what to do anymore..

I'm just kind of lonely. isn't that the strangest thing to say at the offset of it all? but it's true. i don't want to sound all over-angsty, but maybe I am over-angsty.


Long story, need advice [11 Mar 2007|04:23am]

In case it matters, I'm a 28 year old female. I need some advice regarding a friend of mine, and I'm feeling really conflicted about it. (Not about getting advice, but about the situation.)

Long story about my beautiful gay friendCollapse )
So, the take home points:

- I am not averse to being friends with him again
- I feel like I should stand up for myself and protect my own interests and feelings
- I tend to automatically step up to nurture or be supportive, so stopping to think about whether I *should* do it feels unnatural
- In my head I recognize that friendship is a two-way street and that I deserve better
- In my heart I just want to see him and give him a big hug and have a good cry

I am going home to visit my family and friends in 2 weeks, and I would have time to visit him. However, I have not told him that I will be in town, so there is no external pressure to follow through on that. I'm tempted to email his mom, ask how he is, and ask if she thinks seeing him would be a good idea (since they are close, and she would be honest with me).

The problem is that I don't know if seeing him is a good idea, or if it would even be consistent with the stance I have taken in the last few months. There's just this irrational "because I want to" behind it.

Advice? Any thoughts at all are welcomed. Don't hold back.

Thanks to anyone who bothered to read all this. It's such a complicated mess. :)

well.. [08 Feb 2007|07:38pm]

[ mood | confused ]

i'm really annoyed at the fact that my ex boyfriend cant be with me anymore due to his parents not allowing him....

today we were talking and he said that hes willing to wait till high school so that we could get back together. and i asked him if he wanted to date other people and he said no that he just really wants to be with me.

i don't know if i should wait for him.....

please give me opinions?

and add me if you want


[08 Aug 2006|01:57pm]

[ mood | moody ]

I need some advice really bad. Okay heres what happened: My sister has been sort of a hand full lately. And my dad is usually the one who flips out, but last night my mom did. She has gotten really frustrated with my sister and doesn't know what to say to her anymore. Her and my sister got into a fight and my mom said she was gonnasend My sister to a home. You know like a gruop home for teenagers that have problems. And my sister flipped out. Not yelling flip out but crying flip out. I was in my room and heard her crying in the hall way and din't know what was going on. My sister was saying she couldn't believe her own mother would say that and that wasn't the worst thing anyone could have said to her. My mother then...out of anger...could her a little bitch...by then my dad was involved telling my mom to be quiet and my sister to stop crying. I still didn't know that my mom said that and didn't know until I was in my room with my sister and she told me about what happened. I got really mad at my mother and she was EXTREMELY lucky that I didn't see her for the rest of the night or she would of been really mad at me. You see I have this thing when one of my family members cry I do to and I get really mad and want to yell at the person who made them cry.And then my mother did come out and started yelling again and saying everything all over again and I got really mad. I told her to be quiet. I didn't want to say shut up because...oh I don't know I just didn't. My sister felt like she was betrayed. I mean this is my MOTHER!Not one of my sister's friends her MOTHER!! My dad was all like  she was tired and angry and didn't mean it. The my dad started telling my sister that she has really changed these past couple of months and saying all these other things. I was mad at him because he was not helping he was only making things worse. My sister is only 16. She has an excuse for acting the way she does...but my mom didn't need to say that! I don't care oh fucking angry she was at megan it didn't give her a right to say that. I am just so frustrated!! Megan then started crying again. I just think that what my mother said is unforgivable. Megan said she will never forgive her.  Then my dad called this morning to see how Megan and my mom were doing. I told him then that he didn't help last night by pounding those problems in to Megan when she already had THAT to deal with and that he should have been comforting her like I was. I mean I know it was probably awkard dor him because he is the father and in most situations the mom takes care of the comforting part. He then said that Megan needs to listen to them. And that they would talk later. And I said that I would not let mom near Megan if she was going to say anything like that again. Then my dad said I didn't understand. He had to go after that so I didn't get to respond. I don't know what I need advice on but could someone help me out and just say something to me. I can't help but feel even though she said it to Megan that she said it to me too and I won't be able to talk to her about my problems. I understand Megan can be frustrating and annoying at times but that didn;t help by saying that ya know?


hey! [19 Jul 2006|10:35am]

[ mood | grrr! ]

hello to everyone i am new to this community! let me tell you about myself: i like to read though i am not a nerd or anything even though my sister sometimes says i am. i have three older sisters and i am the youngest. i love animals! i have 5 cats and 1 dog!!! i know that is a lot but what can i say i love them! okay let's move on to my problem shall we!? my older sister megan has changed alot over the past couple of months. she has become alot more bitchier...sorry for the language tell me if it is not allowed...and harder to talk to. i have read a lot of books where a sibiling gets more bitchier or meaner because their boyfriends hit them or they drink and do drugs...but i don't think that is the problem! the other day we got in this big fight about how she acts towards my parents and i told her that they do alot for her and she is ungrateful and then all of a sudden she burst out in tears and started screaming at the top of her lungs saying i didn't understand how hard it was to be her and that i was being a bitch. i was trying to be a bitch and i was calling her i bitch i told her that she was actinglike one but wasn't one! later on she told me i really hurt her feelings and she felt like no one loves her and i told her i was sorry and that i did love her and so did the rest of our family but then she just shut down and started to argue with me again over nothing! she is 16 and i am 15 so we are really close but sometimes she pulls away and feel that i can't judge her or yell at her because then she won't want to come to me when she needs someone to talk to! god this is messed up! i am starting to think maybe it has something to do with the whole guy issue. she has had sex with two 21 years olds ...not at the same time though...lol...sorry...anyway and a 18 or 19 year old! in the last 2 months or so!!! i think that is what the problem is but i am not sure. i guess my question is for some advice on this situation. and how to talk to her with out her flipping out or something!? i really need help!! thank you for taking time to read this. sorry it is so long!!


S-E-X [15 Jun 2006|10:48pm]

[ mood | mischievous ]

Hello, i'm new!
and i'm wondering about some things lately. For whatever reason, recently my sex drive has kicked into high gear but i'm afraid to talk to my family (who are very christian and would be absoultely FREAKED if I started talking about this stuff, they DON'T want to think of me like that) and my friends are just as clueless as me.
Maybe I always thought about this stuff but was so digusted with myself that I never acknowledged it.
I've decided that whoever I lose it too, I want it to be special with someone that I love (I guess every virgin says that)and been with for about two or three months (at the least) but I want to lose my virginity by my 20th birthday (i'm 17 now).
So...some questions:
Does it hurt the first time? like screaming, crying pain?
Do you have an orgasm the first time or do you have to do it a couple times before you reach the "O"?
How do you know when it's ok to let him have "it"?
God, I feel weird asking that!

If you're intrested in being friends come to my journal and I have a MySpace, myspace.com/redflamez


[17 Mar 2006|11:16am]

Beisdes the morning after pill, i need some options. please.

for a good damn friend of mine who forgot to take the pill for 2 weeks - and screwed all this week.

[02 Feb 2006|04:16pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

Bonjour! My name's Pam. I`m fifteen years old and I`m glad after all this I found a community.
Okay... anyway... this is a problem you all probably get alot, well... maybe not, I`m just assuming. Anywayyyy...
Yeah it's long, I`ll be a nice person C:Collapse )


Help me! [22 Jan 2006|07:34pm]

Hey everyone, well my birthday's coming up sweet sixteen, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about making it memorable, and also, anyone know an easy way to loose a few pounts quickly, im not fat or anything i just need to shed a few pounds, help me please!

[09 Jan 2006|11:23am]

Alright. So I lost my virginity on Saturday - and it was the most painful experience of my life. Now - consider: I am extremely skinny, never use tampons, and he was really wide. *squirms* He got the angle right once or twice, but I doubt he fully "popped" me.

Please give me some advice on how to make it less impossibly painful next time...


Crossed the line? [05 Feb 2006|04:32pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I spent New Years Eve missing him...My best friend and the guy I love all in one, even though he doesnt care as strongly for me as I do for him. The friends I spent New years Eve with knew I missed him, because he was also supposed to spend the evening with us...He couldnt...The a friend and I got into a conversation about love and obsession...about the thin line that seperates the two and about which I really feel...So I started wondering...

So I have few questions that I'd like some opinions on...What is love to you? How would you describe being in love with another person and how it makes you feel? (I know thats hard to answer)...Ok, to you, what would you consider obsession? And would you know if you crossed the thin line between the two? If so, how?

Thanks in advance for any opinions given.


virgin [04 Jan 2006|10:41am]

first time.

i'm a wee bit scared.

anything i should know?

newbie [01 Dec 2005|01:56pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

alright, multiple areas in which i could use some advice.

i have a boyfriend, but i am really falling (at a rather high rate of speed) for this guy i know. he's sweet, goofy, and mildly immature - all things that are, oddly, attracting me to him. the thing is, he is really weary of the fact that i have a boyfriend (and i am, but not as much so). he always acts like he has a thing for me (aka: all over me in a cuddle way, says i'm pretty, etc) but then we kissed yesterday (just a friendly kiss, really, which has happened before) and he pulled away really quickly and was all like "we shouldn't".
why is it that with the more he flirts and cuddles with me, the more he often pushes me away?

i have this ex-boyfriend. he does a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs, and a lot of the usual crap that follows. when we were dating, tried to kill me twice (through stranglation) to the point where there was a week when i was walking around with two hand prints around my neck.
recently, he has been talking to me (and i'm responding, even though i swore to myself i'd never even think of him ever again) - and he says he still loves me.
why am i thinking about/somehow wanting the guy who tried to end my life, and what the hell should i do?

[[ i'm new. i like it here. thanks for everything in advance :D <3 ]]


[26 Nov 2005|08:07pm]

[ mood | confused ]

Hi. Im new in the community and I could use some help...

What are you supposed to do when your best friend is pushing you away for her boyfriend?
My best friend has been with her guy for around 4 months now, and our problems started after about...the first week. Her boyfriend and I do not get a long at all. I dont speak to him much anymore, which is ok by me since all we ever do is fight. He and I got a long ok at first (meaning before they got together)but I soon found out that he had only used me to get to my best friend. Yes, stupid me, helped hook the two up. I should have stayed away from that and let them do it themselves, but I thought since she was my BEST FRIEND I would help her. Yea, that back fired on me. After about the first week she was with him, he and I got into our first of many huge fights. Well, she decided to protect him from me (I let it pass since they had only been together a short while and she didnt want it to end as soon as it began). Well it didnt stop there. He and I have been in so many fights that you couldnt count them, and every time he and I fight, guess who's side she decides she wants to be on? Uh, not mine. Well, to make matters worse, its not only he and I that fight. Thats right, the happy couple fights constantly! In a week, they have been in atleast 3 fights. Is that really a healthy relationship? I dont think it is. Anyways...Because of the fact that she is still supposed to be my best friend, I try to help her work out whatever problem they are having. Uh, no. She normally turns on me.

She has now decided that he is the best she can get and that there is no one else out there better than him (neither of which are true). She has decided that he is worth all the pain she goes through from every fight they have. And that if he ever leaves her, that she will kill herself because life is not worth living without him. She has actually blamed me for some of her problems and is also very afraid that Im going to steal her boyfriend from her (ok eww! and I have a major crush of my own...but thats a whole different subject). And she has told several people that her friends are not worth her staying alive. That if he is not in her life then she has no reason to live, even though she has many people who love her and dont fight with her every day. (If you havent figured it out already, she has major self-esteem issues.) I've tried to convince her that no guy is worth her killing herself and she shouldnt put up with the way he treats her (no offense to any guys reading this). But she just doesnt listen to me any more. She convinced that hes going to leave her for me and that shes going to kill herself because life isnt worth living if hes not in her life.

What do I do now? How do I make her see that hes not really worth it? Or do I just let her go? I mean, I dont think (as a friend) I should be being treated the way I am, but shes still my best friend...Or shes supposed to be atleast. Do I just let her do whatever she wants because she wont listen to me to begin with? Do I just let her push me out of her picture or do I fight to stay in the picture? To stay her best friend? I dont know what I should do anymore.

Someone...Anyone...Please help me.


advice needed [22 Nov 2005|08:13am]

I'm not one to ask for advice and I feel a little weird asking for it from complete strangers so bear with me. i'm seventeen and a sophmore in college and I'm in love. It may not seem like a bog deal however for me it is. I have severe trust issues because I was raped 5 years ago. My boyfriend knows and he talks to me and helps me through it. I have never been treated in a more kind way than the way he does. He is an amazing person, he definetly has flaws and i realize that, and i accept that. One of them is that he has said on several occasions that he wants to marry me and have children with me. I know hes being serious and not just trying to get in my pants. Hes also older than me and therefore the prospect of marriage is a little more real to him. He wants to join the military and then when he gets out, come and be with me wherever I am. The problem here is I could see myself with him, but hes also the first guy ive felt comfortable enough with to tell him about my past and to be with him like I am. I'm not sure if i want to be with him because im comfortable or because I truly love him. I know hell wait for me until im ready. So im not even sure what the problem is. i just need advice about where to go from here. I am possibly transfering next semester to a college 2 hours away and I dont know if i can do long distance, not that ive ever tried, and that worries me about when he joins the army. i dont know where to go from here.

Your opinions please!!! [19 Nov 2005|01:46pm]

When a guy says "I fell for you". What does that mean??? I know what it means but I would like to get some input from you all and what you have to say about that. It would be greatly apperciated!!! Thanks in advance for any help!!!

[13 Nov 2005|02:39pm]

heya all..
I'm new here. Just kinda wanted to make that known. :-P
Umm. I'm not sure what all to say. I'm pretty good at giving advice, but I can't say I'm the greatest. I haven't expierenced much; I'm only fourteen. But I will try my best to help anybody with problems they have. So talk to me if you want to.. lol
looks like a pretty sweet community.
~ ♥ Lauren

Hello [10 Nov 2005|07:29pm]

[ mood | Cheerful ]

I'm new here. =)
My name is Mazarra- I am 14 yrsOld.
I joined here because this looks like a cool community.
And also because I am going through a difficult time in life right now~

So hello ! ♥


[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]