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five foot eight inches

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Hello? [24 Aug 2012|11:52am]

Does anyone on here still read LJ? I'm looking for some active communities or friends. I'm 5'8" (of course) and my cw is around 148-150. My hw was 169 and my lw is 120 and I want to get back down to 120 and try to get to 110 though if I can have a flat stomach at 120 I'd be ok. Maybe.

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2 *gasp* [ how tall? ]

[18 Jul 2011|01:07pm]

SO, I've gained back what I lost bc of vacation and family stuff making a cheat turn into a binge nightmare.
BUT I could definitely have gained more, I have a plan and a grocery list, and honestly where I usually feel like dying, I feel great and totally optimistic and in control.
Here's to losing 80 pounds by New Year's.
It sounds insane, but it's so possible. And I'm doing it.
1 *gasp* [ how tall? ]

[21 Jun 2011|04:05am]

Binging, ugh my fam and bf.
Regained, some is water weight I hope.
Doing okay with good carbs, what are some lean proteins...that are affordable!?
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[15 Jun 2011|02:44am]

I still lost from fluctuation, but...
I haven't worked out in the last two days.
And I've sort of binged the past two days.
I don't want to fuck my shit up.
I need to lose more, not a little, not maintain, not gain.
I feel like my 'naughty days' (Saturday, once a week when I allow binge-ish behavior) is messing with me. It's really good to keep me from binging because I deprive myself, and the fluctuation is great to keep metab going. On the other hand it's harder to go back to smaller calories after. Idk if I'm in more danger of binging because I deny myself stuff or allow it.
These binges have still been better than my other binges, or even my other regular days when I was on this hell-ride to fatassery, but I don't want to go back or give up. My control is better but I want it totally back.
I need motivation, support, inspiration...Idk.
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[08 Jun 2011|10:50pm]

What the fuck with BMR calculator's!? How do I know which are accurate when two websites I compared gave me deficits with an over THOUSAND CALORIE A DAY difference?!
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[08 Jun 2011|12:55pm]

Yesterday I misread the calories on a package (this brand ALWAYS measures servings per-packet, but this one for some reason was by half packet!?) so I ate 90 cals over my limit! Usually I eat a tiny bit over bc chewy vitamins that I don't count but I was a bit freaked about it. I told myself being obsessive about it was going back to my old habits and the extra calories would probably bolster my metab, and after 10-11 hours sleep (Idk why I slept so long!) I'm down 2 ounces, which is nothing great or to put my nose down at bc at least I didn't gain and still lost something though it could easily be water.
I have a history of struggling with at least sort of bad skin, I got my second chemical peel the other day and am having the worst break out of my life so I'm having these dreams about how vulnerable I feel (I feel so hideous, I'm so fat and my face looks like a lepper or monster ugh!).
I might be about to take a small vacation which is good and bad. My bf and I both need some time away and could use some nice scenery and a break from reality with my awesome family. At the same time I dread being around family and traveling when I'm trying to diet bc they eat like absolute shit. My mom's trying out for a tv show soon though, so I might be able to get her to be good with me. Also, it's crazy hot up there and the pool is a public (well, military base) one and being seen in any kind of bathing suit (even though I bought myself a cute 'fatgirl bathing suit' as I call it when I gained- very betty page, leopard thinning onepiece with modesty panel) is terrifying to me. Fortunately I prob have until the end of the month, so I should be somewhat smaller and my skin should be more okay.
I'm just stressed, even though I know I'm changing things, I feel trapped in my grossness lol. To think I used to stress about being 135 or whatever anything below what I am now is so crazy to me- sure, I wanted to lose...but I had so much LESS to lose! I wish I could have that good a starting point now. I just feel totally hideous and disgusting. I actually feel bad for my bf. I wanna be pretty again :(
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[07 Jun 2011|01:10pm]

Day four of my new losertown-inspired dietplan. I'm down from my hw about 8/9lbs, down from my starting for this one about 4lbs.
I haven't been able to stick to a plan this well since before my last recovery (which ended in insane gain and my highest weight by far).
So far doing it the healthy way is sticking. I'm consuming about 700 cals a day, working out a little everyday, eating nutritional stuff, and not falling into old crazy restrictive, obsessive workouts mode.
This is the first time I haven't either gone overboard with restricting/fasting/working out or gone overboard with binging and gaining and doing nothing.

It feels good but it's still hard. I'm scared of Saturday, which is my first weekly 'naughty' day. I know eating something I'm craving once a week is good for my metab as well as psyche, but I'm scared it'll trigger binging.
I'm totally obsessed with this girl http://undressedskeleton.tumblr.com/ !
She's my height and my goalweight (5'8, 108), and her hw (214) was 21 pounds above mine (193), and she lost it in a year (111 at least)!
She did it TOTALLY the healthy way (proper diet and exercise), although she says she doesn't have an ED she's really obsessive with food and workouts and I personally believe she's at least orthorexic.
I'm scared bc I'm eating less cals than she did, and I want the no-yo-yo experience she's having...but I also want to lose the weight by 2012 and the plan I'm on should have it all off by November/December of this year.
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[06 Jun 2011|04:37am]

Today (it's 4:30am haha) I've quit smoking for a week. (I've been a heavy smoker for 7/8 years!) I'm cheating with an e-cigarette, but it's better than smoking even if it's not getting me off the nicotine right away.
Instead of gaining weight, I've lost a couple of pounds.
Today will be day 3 of what so far has been a successful new diet plan derived from losertown.
I'm trying to restrict and work out without being too obsessive, and focusing more on nutrition than crazy low cals so I won't end up skinny/fat or malnourished or yoyoing.
It's a whole new deal for me, it used to be numbers and nothing else that mattered, fuck health.
I want to be thin, but I also want to be well and be in real control.
I'm hoping to lose about 78 more pounds by December of this year.
It could go faster, and slower, but I want some speed but also better success and body composition.
I hope this works!
It's going to be really hard, I won't get enough of the support I'll need from my fam/bf.
Wish me luck!
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[04 Jun 2011|02:31pm]

I've always heard the only way to keep skin from getting floppy and whatnot is to lose weight slowly. Obviously that's not how we do it, I'm at a high weight for the first time in my life and plan to lose it all in about 7 months...please tell me it's not true I can only avoid this skin problems by taking forever? Anyone know how to avoid this?
3 *gasp* [ how tall? ]

[01 May 2011|02:38am]

Success is more important than embarrassment. I'm trying to tell myself this about everything in life right now.
So, I'm finally going to post my stats in hopes of finding a girl/some girls with similar stats and situations to be text/aim buddies with.
Before I recovered the last time, I'd just said fuck you to recovery again and went from about 144 to 132 before I got busted and said it was time to lose the right way so no more yoyoing and 'bad' habits. I gained up to about 138-140 before I really committed to recovery, and instead of eating right and taking care of myself, my addiction went the opposite way again and I gained about 50 pounds in a year and halfish.
I am
192.2 pounds.
lw: 85 (about 10 years ago a few years into my ednos)
hw: [before this catastrophe] 163 (about 8 years ago )
ugw: 105-112
My birthday is in about a month and I'm so humiliated by most of my life at the moment celebrating it in any way seems like a sick, dark, joke.
I need some connections and support to regain control, not just with food but also with food (as in not going too crazy again) and other things in my life.
So if someone wants to make buddies, particularly with similar stats (lw and hw similarities would also be awesome but mostly cw and height) I'd really be into that. Let me know!
Good luck, ladies, when you freak- always rememeber how much worse it could be...I never imagined I would be like this. <3
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ABC q's [28 Apr 2011|03:56pm]

Has anyone actually completed ABC? I'm really curious about refeeding for it.
Particularly someone who started at a high weight (an actual high weight, like 160-180-higher) because refeeding is def. different when you're not already/still thin..
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[15 Apr 2011|06:22pm]

gross talkCollapse )
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opinion/advice!!! [14 Apr 2011|04:21pm]


So I've been trying to come back from biggest gain in recovery beginning with 86420. On day one I had 795 of 800, yesterday I had like 610 of 600 but then later I binged on a bigish bowl of cereal. I managed not to purge.  I'm also still conflicted about the neg cal food thing (which I've been having and not counting towards cals) bc the two sides are it burns more to digest them than they have, or the burn is overestimated and they're not neg cal so idk what to believe anymore. Today's supposed to be 400, but I'm thinking I should def. do less to make up for things. I weighed and am still down 1.4 pounds from last night, but that was when I woke up (so lighter) so idk what the damage is yet.
I've had 120cals so far, how many should I do today?!
AND wtf is the deal with the neg cal foods?!?!
I've seen dr.'s and nutritionists say both (they are and are not neg cal). Which is it, damn it?!
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[14 Apr 2011|03:42am]


Big bowl of failure. Just binged on a huge trigger food for me, cereal.  I knew I should've pretended I ate it all and trashed it before I started trying to restrict again, but my bf and I are poor and he'd be pissed and I'd feel terrible.  
Since this is the biggest I've ever been, coming back from recovery is so much harder. The time and difference in feel of shinking my stomach back up is so tough, the feeling of being a lost cause at this new extreme high is so discouraging. Not to mention this has been the longest recovery, the longest time without my old habits since before they started.
I tried to deal with this new level of difficulty with all the right distractions, I tried to substitue binging with more neg cal snacking, but after the watermelon and mango came the, well, you know.
I'm smoking a stog right now trying so hard to resist the urge to purge...I really want to stay away from that this time, it's what always gets me back into 'recovery' and it always makes things so much messier and worse.
It's hard to tell myself tomorrow's a new day when I know the shrinkage will be worse if I don't purge, and I'll be more likely to fail. I'm trying to tell myself it will only make it worse, and it'll just be an excuse to excuse binging in the future.
I'm trying to tell myself to just go to bed, sleep it off, make a new plan tomorrow when I feel less beaten down.
I hate failing, especially now when I've failed already the most, I am so huge I fucking hate myself.
I just want to stay in the house until I at least fit into my old clothes.
I'm just trying to tell myself I'm ten pounds down from the absolute height of this hideous gain, and that's a start.
I'm going to bed. I'm not going to purge. I won't do it, not tonight.
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[13 Apr 2011|11:13pm]

Today was day two of 86420, 600 cals, had about 610. Yesterday I had 795 of 800.
3 60 cal mousse cups
125 cals 1 toasted slice of jewish rye bread with one tablespoon of organic strawberry jam
125ish large banana
180 cal veggie chilli serving
also had some carrots, but they burn neg.

Down one pound two ounces from beginning weight yesterday. I said I'd weigh weekly, but I really wanted a reference point for possible overall loss.
If I lose this much every day, I'll have lost 9.6/10 pounds by the end of the second cycle of 86420 on the 21rst.

I'm actually suprised and disappointed with the minimal loss, I did 2468 a year or two ago with a girl who was way lighter then than I am now and lost like 11 pounds 2 or 3 days in. I have such a high fat content right now I realllllllllllllly feel like I should be losing more- I mean, I outweigh her weight then by like 38 pounds and I'm an inch shorter!!! :( WTF?! The one upside to my gigantic disgustingness is that I should be losing way faster than usual bc I have so much more to Burn up. Why isn't it working that way!?!?!?!!?

After this I'm going to do 10 days of a neg cal all you can eat soup fast and after that I'm thinking about two more cycles but of original non-reversed 24680.

However, I'm really nervous about this Saturday and the following Thursday because the last year of recovery has left me very out of practice with fasting :( I'm so scared of failing, binging, maybe even bping or laxies.............ugh!!!!!

I have all the tricks in the bag, my thinspo and reasons and distractions, but I need support!
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[12 Apr 2011|09:19pm]

I've been working on making myself an ELBORATE likeat least 9 month plan.
Today I'm attempting to start it.

I did what I've been dreading, weighed myself and then measured (I haven't measured in like year with all this recovery gain it's like a hellish nightmare) and compared to my stats right before recovery and my goal stats to the current.

I started cycle one of probably two doing 24680.
I've had 145 cals so far, (mousse pudding cup 60 cals, jewish rye bread slice toasted with teaspoon of chipotle mustard 85 cals, neg cal carrot-cellery-apple-ginger organic and freshly juiced, and tons of water and zero cal-sugar-sodium la croix carboanted fruit flavored water) and will prob finish at 205 with another mousse cup bc I don't have enough low cal food in the house to have something exactly 55 cals.

BUT I burn way more than that at rest (RMR of almost 2,000), plus I did my first try at p90x stretch (over 40 mins) and ab ripper (idk like 20 mins) -so out of shape had to half ass, but better than nothing by far- so I'm in the negative for today.

Feeling drained but good, trying to keep busy with my insane newly added to and organized set of categorized thinspo folders and am thinking about taking a 5 hour energy and cleaning to burn some more calories and get some stuff I need to done before I have my last 'meal' of the day.

Wish me luck, it's been so long...my habits and body are so bad and this is a small start to a huuuge committment to this intensive plan of mine to hit my goal weight of 112 pounds (a bmi of about 17 for my height, 5'8).
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Soup diets [10 Apr 2011|12:01pm]

I hear tell of a soup diet where all you eat is this certain soup for however long..
On the net I can find only the cabbage soup aka sacred heart diet, where you must also eat steak and all this other shit certain days.
Does anyone know what diet this is? I just want soup, I don't want friggin' beef and all this other shit to buy and eat!

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Trying somethign new... [04 Apr 2011|11:22pm]

I have this fatass thinspo folder I've added to over the years, and sometimes it's a too long to look at.

I decided to categorize the photos into different folders for what I'm in the mood for...

1. Self Thinspo (photos of yourself thin and fat)
2. People You Know Thinspo (photos of thin or fat people you know, because personal can be the best thinspo, just like the self thinspo!)
3. Real Girl
4. Model/Actress/the like
5. Bathing suit (for summer motivation)
6. Lingerie (for oppsite sex appeal motivation)
7. Nude Thinspo (for bf/gf motivation)
8. Before and After
9. Reverse

I'm really digging it, give it a try! Maybe even come with other categories, and do share!

I've been in 'recovery'- aka fat hell and now I'm disgusting- for a year, so hit me with the new fast fads. When Last I was around the big ones were Master Cleanse, ABC, 2468 and variations, stuff like that. I always do best with new fasts and restrictions because the challenge is fun. So what's new?
5 *gasp* [ how tall? ]

[04 Apr 2011|04:19pm]

Trying to sack up. All I've had today is a few tablespoons of pb, and some diet cream soda (guilt free delciousness).
About to distract and move around a bit by cleaning a bunch.
I'm thinking after my shower I may do what I've dreaded and not done in probably a year.
I have records of the last time, so the difference is going to be terrifying, as I know the difference in weight...more thn I can bare to say, and I was already way too fat before that.
But I'm adding to my old giant file of thinspo and reviewing old excuses, fasts, ect.

Who's got some fasts besides abc, 2468, rainbow, ect.
Stuff that's easy for re-feeding so my bf doesn't notice...
I know there are new ones all the time, and I haven't checked in my year of 'recovery'.
Hook a sista up.
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There's no place like home [01 Apr 2011|01:03am]

I've never meant it so much when I say I'm so sorry it's been so long.
After the longest recovery in going on 13 years of ednos I feel like I'd rather have starved to death than ventured down the road of 'recovery' again.
I gain every time, but I am now well above my highest weight, and I hadn't been at the old heaviest in around five years. I can't even say how much I now weigh or have gained, it's like a nightmare I live in.
I kept telling myself, gaining is normal I'll get under control and 'healthy', but here I am, a huge fatass, less 'healthy' that I was when I was 'sick'.
It's hard to return every time, knowing I've failed at recovery, and failed my disorder. I feel like if I fuck up one, I should at least have the other. But all I have is this self hate and disgust for becoming this mass of failure.

So time again, like it's been time so many millions of times in all these years, to make lists and count and measure and weigh and work out and fast and restrict, and hopefully this time no b/ping or laxies.
I guess I'll start the way I always do after 'recovery' ruins my life.
Ask for support and hope all the new trendy fasts and 'diets' (you guys always have something new up your sleeves!) to make me feel like myself again, to lead me back home to my right mind and right body.
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