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Jun. 18th, 2010 | 10:07 am
posted by: meganlockheart in __fantasynovel

Hello everyone, my name is Megan Lockheart and I am new both to this community and Livejournal and I am looking forward to making friends with some new and exciting people.

As my first post I bring you this story!

Title: Of Elves and Men
Rating: Pg-13
Summer: A quest for vengeance for a young elf in a world ruled by men!

meganlockheart.livejournal.com/685.html

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Comments {2}

'Ghan the wonder llama

...

from: bloodied_aura
date: Jun. 19th, 2010 03:58 am (UTC)
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Hi & welcome to LJ!
In the future, could you please post your chapters, when they are just links to your journal, in one entry rather than five? It made me think you were a spam bot. :P

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'Ghan the wonder llama

...

from: bloodied_aura
date: Jun. 19th, 2010 04:15 am (UTC)
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Just a brief critique:

Leerick leaned against the stone wall, his breathing fast and quick with excitement. The memory of his family’s death rushed through his head as he stared at the double wooden doors. His mother was hanging up the linen when six thieves came out of the bushes and killed her. His father, who was trying to fight them before his wife was killed, lost his head to the thieves. Leerick’s sister, Meloney, only thirteen, tried to run to safety but a skilled archer ended her escape with an arrow in the back. He wished he could have been there and not out hunting for the family.


How does Leerick have the memory of his family's death? He wasn't there - how can he have a memory of what happened? Perhaps you should change the wording so that he is picturing or imagining his family's death. If this is some kind of crazy elf-magic, make sure you explain it properly later on, rather than just leaving it hanging.

His raven black hair
:'( Please never say raven black hair. I'm sure you can come up with a better metaphor.

He soundlessly opened the oak door and slipped inside with out a sound from his armour.
I think you should find a replacement for one of the 'sounds' in this sentence. The repetition distracts the reader.

“Hello, Tonin.”

Tonin, a medium sized man who was balding fast, jumped and turned around to see Leerick staring at him.

“Leerick,” he said, his eyes widening. “How are you, my good friend?”


I'm not sure about this part. Sure, Tonin could be reacting badly to Leerick's appearance either because of his own guilt, or because of some dark expression on your guy's face, but the manner that Leerick enters the room seems quite civilised, until the next bit. Tonin's reaction just seems a little strong.

“You're not a very good liar.”

As Tonin’s head hit the floor, Leerick grabbed his pack and left into the night.

'Left into the night' Seems a bit awkward to me. I suspect, though I'm not sure, that the tense is wrong. 'Walked', 'disappeared', or 'went' seem a little better.

Hope that helps! It is intriguing. I haven't got time to read the other chapters, so you may have done this already, but I think you might need to flesh out what kind of elves your elves are, and what kind of world this happens in. :) but yeah, keep writing.

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