||[Jul. 23rd, 2008|12:09 am]
I'm having serious issues. I cannot stop. Eating and purging, over and over. As many times as I can sneak it. I have a new girlfriend, and I want to tell her. I want to tell her I have an eating disorder, but I'm working on it. Trouble is, it doesn't seem like I'm working on it. I'm still doing my behaviors and I still absolutely HATE my body. I want nothing more than to get back down to where I was. Maybe not as low as my lowest, but somewhere down there. Anything below what I am now. Anyway, I'm hating myself every moment because I'm torn between wanting to recover for my family and those that care about me, and my desire to get this weight off. I'm so damn scared of being this weight, and of gaining more to get up to where I was at my highest, that I'm choosing the ED over my life, every day. And I can't seem to stop. Every day I wake up and say "Today will be different." It never is.