mai_mia107 (mai_mia107) wrote in __bulimic,

so, i'm almost 15
i'm not sure if i'm bulimic, i think i'm just flirting with the idea
i see a shrink for it
but i can't help but feel, she thinks i'm fake
i feel like my problem is going away, and thats why i do this
one i'd love to be thinner
don't get me wrong there
but , i remember when i enjoyed puring
i ate to purge, i found out normal foods feel better coming up
if they were chocolate or peanut butter or bread, 
i couldnt tell when i was done, but with salad
you could see it  . . . he he he 
and that made me happy
it started in late february, soo it's been 3 months ? 
since i was purging, but i've gone 2 weeks without purging in there
a week or so a couple of times
at my worst it was everyday for a week 3 or 4 episodes a day
with 5-15 vomits per episode
i just started up again. one to two a day, episodes that is.
i hate having people watch me eat snacks, dinner i'm fine with
everything else KILLS ME
i think they think ... shes too fat to eat that, only thin people can eat that
i hide my food, pockets, bags, under clothes, ect
i've been binging for a long time tho
i've always over eaten, but the weight came on in grade seven
i was up to 143 , ( i'm 5 foot one) and then in the summer i just poofed off 
i dont' know why down to 132, and then thru grade eight i worked hard to 
stay at 125, unknowingly eating aprox 1200 cals a day 
i wasn't starving, but i used to eat alot more
then that summer i went to europe and went down to 115
only had a bit more to go
but then i binged for two weeks straight ... up to 130 again
and with stress to lose weight and disapointment in binging
i binged more, up to 135, then i restricted and went down to 127
then a school trip came, and all i ate was crap as not to worry my friends
up to 140
and stayed there, and then went up so i started purging
went down to 135 and then stopped purging and went up to 150
where i am currently
my goal is 107, i'm starting restricting again
i've eaten 300 calories today but then i have dinner
i'm soo worried 
i have some weird fascination with numbers 
they're soo pretty
seeing them go up and down on a scale
counting, i don't know
i think this is all me just wanting attention, because after my parents divorce
my mom thinks i'm the ok child and therefore i get left alone
my mom has intimacy ( like huggin and showing love ) problems 
derived from childhood
thats my story
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