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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in {a place for bulimics}'s LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
9:39 pm
Third Act
Dear you? you are dear
Hello I wanted to write. This is still a part of me, from whatever intermission I was trying to prolong. I played the part of normal through August and September. It was some sort of step in heaven.. the sense of my old self walking in my shoes, but wiser with a whole new look of things, and knowledge of what to look for. Then emotions said "pay up, we need our fill". And when they come you remember the bare things that make you who you are, because you're back to where you started, but feeling like the glue that put you back together last time is missing, and there's no one to mend the heart lying six feet under when no one expects they should be searching for where it's buried.
Soo.. this is what a dump smells like.
But wait, I forgot to tell you yesterday was my one month anniversary of being bulimia free! (well activity wise, that is).
So in celebration I had a very romantic dinner with myself. with rose decor, candlelit room, and the sweet smell of not dumps, but homemade lentil soup.
Or actually I bought sheet music. not really as a reward, it was just something I did.
Ahh reverie, it made me cry, it really did. "Reverie", by Claude Debussy
And then learning it was what the music played in my grandmother's powder box, was Beautiful.

So I didn't come here to be annoying. I wanted to say thanks to those girls who left advice on my blogs from long ago, because it was lovely of you and helped.
Ahh this is more of a diary entry, hahah. But I guess. that is okay.
Goodnight to anyone. Goodnight goodnight goodnight.

Current Mood: sleepy
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
8:08 pm

After nineteen months of slowly walling myself, of sticking these grimey fingers in this rusted throat seven times a day, i had enough. And i thought it was okay, and i was new, and it was over.
That was seventeen days ago. But it has not left me, and i'm either starving myself or stuffing in anything and then running laps. I thought it was gone. I'm tired of this bullshit. What do i do? I thought it left me? 

Friday, June 19th, 2009
2:20 pm
All I Want Is You
Hello Hello Hello
I have been thinking and pausing and thinking and sleeping, and finally sleeping.. and concluding that.. maybe the only real way to be happy is to learn to love, and love yourself, and you can't have one without the other. Do you think that is true?

Drinking green tea saves me from hunger. I can't tell if it's real hunger, or just that my stomach is used to rewarded with feasts. I am 115 pounds. I want to be 105. Maybe 110 will be okay. It was weird being 120.. but barfing didn't help me lose any bit.

       Everyone is so so beautiful. Unless your heart is made of coal! Anyway, I think I love myself more now, and I've stopped myself from those hours of continuous eating, because loving is more important.  Hahaha! And you can say that is such a pile of poo, but I believe it! And that concludes today's blog. It could be the last.
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
7:40 pm
When i hear about a skinny person that suposedly eats healthy amount
or alot
is it just me that automaticly assumes bulmia ?
5:14 pm
so, i'm almost 15
i'm not sure if i'm bulimic, i think i'm just flirting with the idea
i see a shrink for it
but i can't help but feel, she thinks i'm fake
i feel like my problem is going away, and thats why i do this
one i'd love to be thinner
don't get me wrong there
but , i remember when i enjoyed puring
i ate to purge, i found out normal foods feel better coming up
if they were chocolate or peanut butter or bread, 
i couldnt tell when i was done, but with salad
you could see it  . . . he he he 
and that made me happy
it started in late february, soo it's been 3 months ? 
since i was purging, but i've gone 2 weeks without purging in there
a week or so a couple of times
at my worst it was everyday for a week 3 or 4 episodes a day
with 5-15 vomits per episode
i just started up again. one to two a day, episodes that is.
i hate having people watch me eat snacks, dinner i'm fine with
everything else KILLS ME
i think they think ... shes too fat to eat that, only thin people can eat that
i hide my food, pockets, bags, under clothes, ect
i've been binging for a long time tho
i've always over eaten, but the weight came on in grade seven
i was up to 143 , ( i'm 5 foot one) and then in the summer i just poofed off 
i dont' know why down to 132, and then thru grade eight i worked hard to 
stay at 125, unknowingly eating aprox 1200 cals a day 
i wasn't starving, but i used to eat alot more
then that summer i went to europe and went down to 115
only had a bit more to go
but then i binged for two weeks straight ... up to 130 again
and with stress to lose weight and disapointment in binging
i binged more, up to 135, then i restricted and went down to 127
then a school trip came, and all i ate was crap as not to worry my friends
up to 140
and stayed there, and then went up so i started purging
went down to 135 and then stopped purging and went up to 150
where i am currently
my goal is 107, i'm starting restricting again
i've eaten 300 calories today but then i have dinner
i'm soo worried 
i have some weird fascination with numbers 
they're soo pretty
seeing them go up and down on a scale
counting, i don't know
i think this is all me just wanting attention, because after my parents divorce
my mom thinks i'm the ok child and therefore i get left alone
my mom has intimacy ( like huggin and showing love ) problems 
derived from childhood
thats my story
Friday, May 29th, 2009
10:31 pm
I'm scared man.
       I really really really don't want to be bulimic. This obsession, this abuse of food, this throw up in the sink, this body, my tired sad mind.. it's all a pile of crap, and I want it to go away, and live my life! Ah, fuck, I'm so angry! With myself mostly. I've admitted to having an eating disorder today, after throwing up for the fourth time last night. Oh my god I feel horrible, my body hates me, my stomach has pains, a pay back for being robbed of its food. I had to walk 2 miles today, and almost fainted, and my heart is racing 100 miles an hour, my thoughts all blurred. I don't know how to manage my food and feel good about myself. I just don't know if this my eating disorder is official, or if I can go back to my healthy way of living, which was just a month ago. I'm not sure what I want out of this post.. or if there is really an answer to give. But I am wondering how other people are dealing with this, and how maybe we can not be so alone.. if that's possible over a live journal. You're all beautiful, goodnight!
Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
12:41 pm
I have to go to my gmas for dinner tomorrow. I love seeing my family but this is really gone suck trying to hide it in front of everyone. I hope the upstairs bathroom will be open.
Friday, February 20th, 2009
12:20 pm
I think I broke blood vessels in my boob from purging too hard/much...

Its def not from someone grabbing them, lol.

Has this happened to anyone or is it even plausible?
Saturday, January 17th, 2009
7:09 pm
i am going on my third binge of the day.
sixth in the past two days.

it seems like i will be doing fine until i come down to my moms.
she pisses me off and all i want to do is binge so that i can throw up and feel better about myself.
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
12:41 am
This comes from a site for police officers, but it's worth a read: it's just info about bulimia...

Bulimia Nervosa: So Empty, Yet So Full
Eating Disorders Are the Deadliest Mental Illness

Crisis Intervention Contributor; from officer.com

Deputies respond to a local grocery store for a report of a petty theft. A young woman had been detained by management after entering the store's bathroom with a shopping basket containing several food items; she had left the bathroom empty handed 35 minutes later. In the trash can employees had found the wrappers of a box of a dozen Entenmann's Country Powdered Donuts, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream, and two TWIX Caramel Cookie Bars. The rest of the evidence, shall we say, was flushed. The suspect, Katie, was sobbing, very ashamed, and extremely remorseful. Katie, a student at a local community college, related that she suffered from bulimia. She had not intended to engage in theft while in the store, but became overwhelmed by anxiety and had an unignorable craving to eat the sweets. She then was compelled to rid herself of the calories and had induced vomiting in the employee's bathroom. Katie 19 years old, 5'7" and weighed more than her DL indicated, 150 lbs vs. 135 lbs. She was more than willing to pay for the loss, but states she was too embarrassed to go to the checkout stand with the empty containers. The cost of the theft was just over $10.00. Katie had consumed 4016 calories in just over a half an hour. She was cited for petty theft; but perhaps a more appropriate charge would have been for vandalism, as she never actually left the store with the items. In fact, the merchandise exited the store by a device installed by the merchant. One of my partners suggested the charge should have been for illegal dumping. All kidding aside, bulimia nervosa is a complicated and potentially deadly psychiatric disorder.

You are hungry, you eat. You feel satiated, you stop eating. Sounds simple enough; but not to the 10 million Americans who have eating disorders. An individual with an eating disorder eats or refuses to eat to satisfy emotional not physical needs. He/she consumes insufficient or excessive amounts of food. The three main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder, which is also referred to as a compulsive overeating disorder. These disorders manifest themselves as abnormal eating patterns, which can have severe medical and emotional consequences. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness; without treatment (20%) of people with serious eating disorders will die. Unfortunately, only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders will receive the treatment they need.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia is the most prevalent eating disorder; affecting 1 in 7 females aged 12-25. Ten percent of college aged women in the Unites States have engaged in this dangerous eating disorder of binging and then purging. Only 10% of individuals diagnosed with bulimia are male. The peak onset for bulimia is between the ages of 16-18. Unfortunately the physical and psychological consequences of the disorder are immense, including death related to medical consequences or suicide. There are two types of bulimia nervosa: purging and nonpurging. A purger regularly engages in self-induced vomiting (90% of all cases) or abuses laxatives (50-100 tablets at a time), diuretics, or enemas. A nonpurger uses other inappropriate compensatory behaviors such as fasting, severe diet restrictions, diet pill abuse, or excessive exercise.

The normal food intake for women and teenagers is between 2,000-3,000 calories per day. Bulimic binges average approximately 3,400 calories in 75 minutes. However, some bulimics consume up to 20,000 calories in binges that can last up to 8 hours. 20,000 calories is the equivalent of: 100 Krispy Kreme doughnuts, 4½ gallons of vanilla ice cream, 10-13 cakes, or over 8 pounds of potato chips. You do the math, binges can be very expensive. Now add the costs for emetics (syrup of Ipecac), laxatives, diuretics, enemas, and gym memberships, and it's clear why many young women may resort to stealing or fraud to support this highly addictive disorder.

The self esteem of a bulimic is centered on his/her perception of their body image; specifically weight and shape. Binge eating is not caused by hunger; it is a response to feelings of depression, anxiety, or worthlessness. Binge eating temporarily calms these emotions. Bulimics report feeling out of control during a binge. Favorite foods are consumed rapidly and in excess, these foods are usually high in calories and fat. Following a binge, the individual feels deeply ashamed and/or guilty for their inability to control their food intake, and engages in actions to prevent the consequences of the binge, weight gain.

Signs and Symptoms of Bulimia

Bulimics know that they have an eating disorder and frequently go to great lengths to hide it. They are successful for a while. Although there may be frequent fluctuations in their weight, they appear to be of normal weight or slightly overweight. However, bulimics have an obsession with their weight, their caloric intake and fat content of foods. They read cookbooks, magazines, and self-help books and search the Internet for information on weight loss, recipes and even eating disorders. They are frequently on a diet, may abuse diet pills, and go on periodic fasts. The bulimic knows the caloric content of every food. They may keep meticulous food diaries or lists outlining their intake and output. Some will actually weigh their vomit or feces. Signs of binge behavior include shopping at different markets, wanting to eat in privacy, late night errands, and hoarding food. Friends and family members may notice that the individual can eat an unusually large amount of food with no obvious change in weight. Food disappears from the home, wrappers are found in stash areas. The bulimic rarely eats normal meals, except in social situations. Bulimics tend to be overachievers with a perfectionist type personality. Their self-esteem is extremely low.

After a meal the purging type bulimic retreats to a bathroom to vomit, and may run the faucet to disguise the sounds. She may use an emetic, stick her fingers down her throat, or has trained herself to be able to vomit at will. To cover up the odor she will use mouthwash, gum, mints, perfume, or air freshener. Empty laxative packets, syrup of Ipecac or diuretic bottles, as well as enemas may be found in the trash or the secret stash. Or she may engage in strenuous aerobic workouts after eating. Friends and family members may see certain physical signs of bulimia; puffy cheeks caused by repeated vomiting; ragged or discolored teeth caused by stomach acid while throwing up, or calluses/sores on their knuckles from sticking fingers down her throat. Bulimics may complain of sore throats, swollen glands, diarrhea, or fatigue. They are usually depressed, and often have suicidal ideation. Studies have shown that the suicide rate for females with an eating disorder is between 50-75 times greater than for those who do not. Bulimics frequently have co-existing mental health disorders including; anxiety personality, and/or impulse control disorders. They are at greater risk for developing other impulsive and self-destructive disorders such as self harm/mutilation and/or alcohol or substance abuse.

Physical Consequences of Bulimia Nervosa

The binge-purge cycle of bulimia nervosa can be fatal. Purging can lead to electrolyte imbalances causing chronic dehydration, cardiac arrhythmias, heart failure, seizures, coma, and even death. Repeated vomiting can tear or rupture the esophagus and stomach. It also increases the likelihood of lung aspiration of the vomit which can lead to pneumonia. The individual may develop peptic ulcers or pancreatitis. Bulimics usually have menstrual irregularities and a decrease in their sex drive. Vomiting also causes the gums to recede and erodes tooth enamel.

Laxative and diuretic abuse also leads to severe dehydration and electrolyte depletion. Additionally, chronic abuse of laxatives can lead to irritable bowel syndrome, a ruptured colon, constipation, infections and colon cancer.

Other physical effects include skin rashes, broken blood vessels in the face or a pale complexion, dry skin, changes in the hair and nails, low blood pressure, swelling of the lower legs/feet, or a decrease in sensation of the hands or feet.


Eating disorders, such as bulimia, are treatable diseases. If bulimia is treated within the first 5 years of onset, the recovery rate is 80%. Treatment is very similar to that for substance abuse. The most successful treatment is a combination of counseling, behavioral therapy, education, and frequently antidepressant medication (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, or Luvox). Eating disorders are really not about food, but about self worth, perception and esteem. The goal of therapy is to change the subject's attitudes about eating, weight, and body image. Serious medical complications may require hospitalization related to cardiac, gastrointestinal or respiratory injury, or to restore hydration and regulate electrolytes. The subject may require ongoing medical attention related to stomach and esophagus injuries, as well as colon and kidney damage. Bulimics often need extensive dental work as well.

Eating Disorders and Western Culture

Annually, Americans spend over $35 billion on dieting or diet related products, and $13 billion on cosmetic surgery. 80% of all ten year olds are worried about being fat. Many girls begin playing with Barbie dolls as toddlers. If Barbie was a real person she would 5'9", weigh 101 pounds, and have a 36-inch bust, an 18-inch waist, and 33-inch hips. Open any woman's magazine and you will find an article on dieting. Thin actors and actresses dominate movie and television screens, and are invariably the stars. The media message is crystal clear: thin people are happier, more popular, powerful, and successful. Lose weight; get a makeover; some plastic surgery and your life will be rosier. Any consequences are generally viewed as inconsequential.
Monday, July 28th, 2008
6:32 pm
ED and Overweight?
New ED Community for those EDers who are overweight!

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
12:05 pm
 Hi im Jenna, Im new to this community! Just wanted to say HI :)  Feel nice to have a safe place to talk about this so freely! Id say like everyone in my life woudnl't understand me. Ive learned that their is no point on trying to get them to undertstand, cause they never will. Anyways today is going awsome for me cause Ive lost another 2pounds! :) stay strong! Keep your hair tied up! lol
Sunday, June 15th, 2008
11:24 pm
Well I think my will power is getting stronger but its still hard. Sometimes I fall and don't feel like I'll ever get back up. I need more ideas on how to keep from eating. I'll get caught if I dont control this binging and purging and I am terrified of what they'd do if they knew. They'd try to change me, to make me stop and I don't want to Im not beautiful and I neverwill be if they make me stop.
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
2:12 pm
new here & would like some tips

I'm 5'9", weigh 138 & need to get down to 120.  What diet pills are best?  what consumption control tips can you offer? 

Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
7:01 pm
Success so far!
Well i didnt write yesterday because i was absolutely shattered and achey!! But i did really well i think! I went to the gym twice for an hour each and definately worked my arse off, even more than usual, i've never sweat so much in my life! Plus i have to walk up tonnes of floors in college anyways so thats always good exercise.
All day yesterday i had:
Oatabix (90)
Cereal bar (90)
Salad (350ish)
so all together about 550 calories, not bad considering i burned prob that much at my gym sessions and allllll day yesterday. So that left me weighing nearly 2lbs less :D I'm now 123lbs at 5 ft 5.5

Today i didnt go gym because i only go with my boyfriend three times a week, but im going to do some lunges and crunches later! I have been taking green tea pills and hoodia.. i find that hoodia makes me feel full quicker but then when i do get hungry its like more hungry than i would be without it...
Today i have eaten:
Oatabix (90)
Cereal bar (90)
Salad (450ish)??? - i added a little bit more than yesterday because i felt more hungry for some reason, feel bloody bloated now though grrr!
all together i estimate about 650 cals but to be fair it could be less, im doing the maximum to be on the safe side. Thats it for tonight!

Tomorrow i plan to have:
Half an Oatabix (45)
Cereal bar (90)
Prawn baguette (350)??
About 485 cals. Thats what should happen!
What i'm thinking about doing, if i have the energy, is to have half the cereal bar in one break at college, and then half the baguette in the other break. Then on the train home, or when i am home, have the other half of the cereal bar, and then later for dinner, the other half of the baguette! We'll see how things go, i'll report back tomorrow!
Sorry if i've bored you!!! I just wanted to write it down :)

And now your reward for listening!
..x..Collapse )
Saturday, March 31st, 2007
3:57 pm
Its opened my eyes...
This had made such a difference to me and it is so true, i recommend that EVERYONE reads this:

So...you think starving is a good way to lose weight, do you? I think you've read too many fairy tales. Well, this isn't one. Neither are eating disorders. They are sheer & total hell. But, since you want one, I'll go ahead & prep you for it. I'll let you know exactly what will happen to you. If this doesn't make you realize how completely stupid running out there & trying to develop anorexia is, then I wish you the best of luck in killing yourself. Because that's all you'll be doing.

The completely ironic part about people trying to lose weight by starving is that half the time it does not work. I bet you think you'll wind up insanely thin & gorgeous, right? Wrong. You won't be gorgeous & you might actually GAIN weight. One thing's for certain though. Insane is a definite part of the package. Your mind won't be yours anymore. Kiss it goodbye, I hope you didn't enjoy it.
The less you eat, the lower your metabolism goes. You might starve & starve & barely lose anything...or you might be extra lucky...you might starve & starve & gain weight. Your body might just shut itself down & the weight go nowhere. & even though you aren't losing, you'll still be hooked. You still won't be able to stop. By the time your body shuts off from malnutrition, you'll be too far in it to *snap* think "Oh...this isn't working...I think I'll eat again." No...you'll be desperate & eat less & less & work out more and more. Eventually, you won't be ABLE to work out. Your muscles will eventually stop cooperating. Then you'll panic & try & eat even less to compensate for not being able to work your ass off (simply a figure of speech, since you're not losing any weight, of course). By then you can't eat less though. You're barely eating enough to stay alive as it is. & you can't stop. It isn't working & you still can't stop. & whether its working or not, you won't see the truth. You'll never actually know what you look like. Nope...no matter what you'll think you must weigh at least four hundred pounds. This is true if you weigh 150 or if you weigh 70. You will be fat. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it? Yes, you might just be one of the lucky ones, one of the ones that doesn't lose weight. But don't sit there & think that means you won't be sick. Not true...not true at all. Your skin & hair will be dry, your teeth sore, your period gone, your bones aching, your muscles cramping...well, no need to go on. You still want this, of course. After all, you won't be like that. You won't be one of the failures. You'll be successful; you'll be thin & perfect. Beautiful.

Well, since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about your prize, hmm?? It's quite nice. You will be skinny. You will be sickly thin. Your ribs will stand out & your hipbones will be sharp. You won't see it. You'll look in the mirror & see fat. You'll see rolls. You'll look at girls who weight fifty pounds more than you & wonder why you can't be as thin as they are. You'll look in the mirror everyday & swear that you've gained at least ten pounds. Other people will see you shrink but you won't get to watch. You'll never see the truth. Others will though. You'll be sickly skinny...but you won't be pretty. & they'll all see that. You won't though...you'll be too busy staring at your ass & wondering when you turned into your fat Aunt Bertha. You will not be attractive. You won't. You'll have huge dark circles. Your skin will be pasty pale & have a lovely gray tint to it. Makeup will NOT help this. It won't, so don't think it will. Don't even bother to attempt it. You'll be wasting your time; time that could be better spent doing your usual pastime, staring into the pantry to watch the food. Of course, people might not notice that you're gray. They could be too busy staring at the dark black, blue, & purple spots you're covered in. Everything you do will result in a bruise. Everything. Do you have pretty hair? You won't anymore. It will be straw dry & dull. It will not shine. Think conditioner will help? It won't. It won't & there's no sense in trying it. It might soften your hair for a while (after you use half the bottle, of course) but it won't make your hair look any better. Buy a ponytail holder. You'll need it. You'll probably be wearing it all the time. You'll also need some hair dye. I sincerely hope your hair isn't a nice color....because it won't be soon. Yes...the color of your hair will fade out. You might even get grays. But gray is a nice color, isn't it? I rather like it. I think the grayish brown color where my natural red and blonde highlights used to be adds a bit of...oh...dignity to my look. Speaking of hair, do you like facial hair? I hope so. You'll have it. I have some lovely sideburns. Quite gorgeous. Actually, I have sexy hair everywhere. Fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. It's hot. All the guys love it and all the girls I know ask how to get some. They're jealous, you know. I tell them how I got it, starving. They never attempt it...I know why though. Its not because they're smart & healthy...no, no. Its because they're weak. Not strong like me. Of course, my muscles are deteriorating as we speak & I can no longer use even my five pound weights but I'm still strong, aren't I? Yes...because I don't eat. & that's true strength, isn't it? Denying yourself the basic fuel you need for life. Yup...strong & smart.
I bet you're one of those girls will the enviable natural nails. Those shiny ones that are so long people sometimes think they're fake? Cut them. Go ahead & cut them off now. They'll only break soon anyway. Kiss your newly gray hair goodbye too. It'll be falling out about now. You get to clean the drain about 6 times during your shower, just so the water will go down. Also, you'll need to find a way to throw away your tampons to make it look as if you've been using them. Remember to tell your mom to buy you tampons once a month. Can't have her knowing you lost your period. & you will. I hope you're not having sex because you'll never know if you're pregnant or not. I guess you can just take a test every few weeks. & yes...you can still get pregnant. I hope you don't love the baby though, because chances are you'll lose it. It would probably be for the best if you did though because of the nice birth defects caused by eating disorders. So, you might get to live with the knowledge that your child died or had to go through life with a terrible disability because of you...but it was worth it for thinness. A small price to pay for perfection, even though you're not the one paying it. Who needs their full mental capabilities anyway? I hope your kid doesn't. But that might not be a problem. You might never have children. You might become infertile. Oh well...pregnancy makes you fat anyway.
I don't enjoy sports. I used to. Not anymore...you won't like them soon either. Baseball? Nope. You won't be able to hit or catch. Goodbye reflexes & goodbye hand eye coordination. You won't be able to run enough to play basketball & if you play football you'll break your hip. Never needed that hip anyway. Your new plastic one will get you through just fine. Its not like your hip was going to stay intact forever, not with your shrinking bone mass. But the stooped look is good. I hope you think so, since you'll probably be sporting it by thirty. Since you're one of the special ones, one of the anorexic ones, I'll bet you enjoy ice water. Pour it out. Drink plain water, warm diet coke. It hurts too badly to drink iced drinks. You're taking sensitive teeth to a new level. Forget those special toothpastes though. They don't work when your teeth are slowly dying from vitamin deficiencies. Never liked those teeth anyway. Dentures are nice. How do you like to sit? Oh...you like your legs crossed? Hmm...too bad. Can't do that anymore. Your legs will fall asleep all the way up to your hips. Painfully asleep. This isn't like what you're used to, that tingly feeling. This hurts. A word of advice. After uncrossing them, just sit there. Don't try moving them or hitting them to wake them up. Bad idea...very painful.

Don't stand up either, unless you enjoy collapsing.
Which would be a good thing, since you'll also be doing that. A new hobby, falling. Your legs won't like holding you up anymore. Falling out from under you will be their new favorite activity. They'll like collapsing. You'll be spending alot of time on the ground. Fainting is common too. & don't think this is something you can hide. Whenever you pass out dead in the living room in front of your mom or brother they'll wonder why...and unless they're complete idiots they'll probably know why...especially if you're 30 pounds underweight. Get ready for nagging. Eat this, eat that, why are you doing this to yourself?? You could always go to your room to escape though. Then you can lie in bed & bite your lip until it bleeds...why would you want to do that, do you ask? Because of the leg cramps, of course...oh! I must've forgotten to mention those! Oooh...the cramps are nice. Your muscles are balled into excruciating knots. You'll double over to massage the knots out and...what? There are no knots. There IS no rubbing the knots out because there are no knots. It just feels like it. There's nothing you can do. You just get to lie there & try not to scream. & trust me...you'll want to. Of course, you could always rub your legs anyway...it might make you feel better to pretend there's something you can do to help them. But you might not be thinking about your legs...you might be distracted by the headaches. Take some aspirin...oooh...or don't. Your tummy's too empty; it'll only make you throw up everywhere.
Of course, you could always get your mind off the headaches & cramps by going to the bathroom. It's quite a novelty; you don't do it often anymore. Shitting has become a privileged activity. A painful one, but privileged all the same. Sometimes you'll double over in pain...& you don't have to be on the toilet to do this. Nope. This could be in class, bed, in your computer chair. You'll double over as you feel something extremely painful in your bowels. What is it? Its shit, that's what. Its shit, grinding like a rock of sandpaper against your intestines as it slowly moves. This happens again & again. Finally it manages to shove itself down so you can go to the bathroom. You make it there, in terrible pain, & take your shit. You get scared when you wipe your ass, because you see blood. But you don't tell. Nope, because telling is forbidden, asking for help is evil. Flush it away & pretend you aren't frightened beyond belief. But don't worry too much, this won't last forever. That's right, it goes away...but only because your shit also goes away. That's right, no more shitting for you. Nope. But wait...if you don't shit, what do you do? Why, you piss, of course, but not like you're used to. You get to piss in two ways now. The old way & the new way. Remember where the shit used to come from? Something else is coming out now. Water. That's right, water. I'm not talking diarrhea. I'm talking straight water, exactly as if you were taking a piss out of the usual place, instead of the new one. This will scare you too. But you still won't tell. Occasionally a few solids will spray out with it. Rather gross, huh? Oh well...it's worth it. Anything's worth it, even your hair, nails, bones, muscles, possible children, your family's heart, everything. Sacrifice it all, throw it all away. You're thin now, that's what counts, even though you don't know it.
You'll probably get chest pains. Maybe heart flutters. This is scary too, because you never wanted to die, you just wanted to be thin. But remember, you can't tell. Telling is forbidden & asking for help is weak.
Do you have problems with depression? You do now. The less you eat the more depressed you become. Partially from vitamin deficiencies, partially from your lovely eating disorder. Do you have problems with insomnia? That's right, you've got that now too. You're exhausted beyond belief but you still can't fall asleep...& when you do you can't stay asleep. Who needs sleep though?? Not you. Staying awake burns more calories anyway. Do you do well in school? You don't now. You can't concentrate. Your mind won't function, & the only thing you can actually think about is food anyway. Your grades will fall. Want to recover? You'll probably have to leave school. How does repeating a grade sound? Do you like going out with friends? You won't for long. You'll be afraid someone might notice how obese you are. You can't leave the house now without hiding under tons of clothes...you're terrified someone might see your repulsive body. You'll become more nervous too. Jittery. You'll also have difficulty talking. Oh...have you never had a stuttering problem? Well, you do now. You also forget what you wanted to say alot. Goodbye memory. And you can't go out with friends anyway, so I guess it's a good thing you no longer enjoy it. If you go out with friends they might want to eat! Maybe they'll want to go to a restaurant or the movies. How can you explain that you don't want any popcorn? How can you find an excuse for sitting there at the table sipping Diet Dr. Pepper or nibbling a salad & water while everyone else has cheeseburgers?? You can't. & they might make you eat. You can't do that...no. But why do they want you to eat? Is it because they care? No. Its because they WANT you to be fat!! How dare they?? They're jealous...that's it, they're jealous. Soon you'll realize something. Everyone wants you to be fat. Your parents, your siblings, teachers, friends. The world is against you & they all want you to spiral into morbid obesity. Get away from them. All of them. They don't understand & they're plotting your downfall. You can't have that, you can't lose this. Every time someone urges you to eat or recover "for your health" you know the truth. They hate you & want you to be fat. Push them away. Push away all the people who love you. That's the only way you'll ever be thin.

But one day this will be over. One day you will either die or recover. Death is easier. First you'll have to admit you need help (that is, on the chance that you haven't been forced into recovery...recovery that will not work until you cooperate). This is one of the hardest things you've ever done. Maybe you'll tell your mom. She might be wonderfully supportive, she might've already known. Or maybe she won't think you have a real problem. Then you're on your own. Maybe you'll tell your doctor. & if you tell your mom, she'll take you to a doctor. Then its better. You're safe now, they'll help you. They'll understand. Wrong. A degree is not an insurance against ignorance. & speaking of insurance, it only pays so much on mental health problems. And ED treatment costs are outrageous. So, even if you find a doctor that knows his ass from a hole in the ground you might not be able to get help. You might not be able to afford it. As you recover, your school might have to know. Your teachers will not understand. Students might find out. They won't understand either. Their comments will hurt, you'll want to scream when they ask why you don't just eat. They might call you fat just for fun. Someone might start to admire you & try to become anorexic too...but then, you've been there. You wanted to be anorexic once & you never realized how stupid you were. You know it now, but it's too late. Its too late & you have to fight this or die...& fighting it is the hardest thing you've ever done. You'll put food in your mouth, that disgusting, terrible food & panic & want to cry. Maybe you will cry. Maybe you'll freak & spit it back out. Maybe you'll refuse to eat & get a lovely feeding tube. Triggers are everywhere & you want to kill yourself more with each bite you swallow. Maybe you will kill yourself. Maybe you'll fight & fight & enter recovery only to die while in recovery or even afterwards from complications caused by your years of having an eating disorder. After fighting for the longest time, maybe you will get out. Maybe, after numerous slip ups & times that where so hard you thought you'd die, you recover. It takes a while. Even after you've eaten right for months & months your body still isn't the same. You start to wonder if it will ever be the same again. It might, but you won't. No. This will always be a part of you, it will never go away. Years later it will still be with you, you will still have those moments. Sometimes you'll pass a mirror & suddenly be 200 pounds larger. You'll panic & shake your head, trying to clear the image away. Something will happen in your life, maybe you'll lose your job. Something will happen to take away your control & you'll try to gain it back through starving. You will NEVER be the same. You'll see an article on a someone with an eating disorder & you'll start to cry, remembering that terrible pain. I'm not talking about the physical pain. That's the only pain I described, because it's the only part that's describable. There are no words for the mental anguish. It can never be described. It's unimaginable. You'll never feel another pain like that, another pain so filled with self loathing, vulnerability, terror, rage, desolation...
WHY do you want this?? WHY?!? I know, even after reading this, that you're still sitting there, wanting this. Why? What is it you want?? Is it beauty? Do you honestly think you won't be like this?? Do you honestly think malnutrition won't steal your looks? Is it glamour? READ THIS. Show me the glamour. Is it control?? Let me tell you, you'll NEVER be more out of control than you are when you have an eating disorder. You don't control what you put in your mouth. Hell, you don't even control your thoughts. You have NO control. None. Do you honestly think that you'll be able to do this & not wind up this way? Do you think you are the one person on earth who can control this, who can just stop??? Do you think that maybe you can just do this, get thin, & stop?? WRONG! It doesn't work that way. Do you WANT to die? Do you want to be a martyr or something? Do you think this is beautiful? I bet you think its some sort of tragic beauty. Its not. There's nothing beautiful about it. Do you want some attention? Buy a new eyeliner, dance naked in the streets. Needing attention is a natural thing but there are a hell of alot better ways to get it. Do you want to look at your family's faces & know that you're killing them too? Imagine watching your child killing themselves, imagine your helplessness, imagine KNOWING that they're dying & KNOWING that there's NOTHING that you can do. Imagine fearing the day you'll come home to find them dead from this. Just sit there & try to think about it. Of course, while you're starving yourself you won't see that anguish. You won't be able to. You can't see anything, you're too self absorbed. You're too busy thinking about your weight, about food. You'll see it when you recover though & you'll hate yourself for doing that to the ones you love. You'll wish there was something you could do to erase it but there is nothing. You just have to live with it...& living with it is hard. Especially when you think of how many times your anger came out on them, how many times you got nasty when they were only trying to save your life.
If you do this, one day you will wake up. One day you'll wake up & realize how much you wasted. Maybe you'll realize that you wasted your teenage years. That you threw away your chance at a normal education, possibly even college. You tossed prom, homecoming, parties, & friends out the window. Those times are gone & you can never get them back. Maybe you're older, maybe you threw your career away. You've probably screwed your job record completely & there is no erasing this. You'll regret this more than anything & there's nothing you can do about it….& there's nothing you can do to get back those wasted years. & do you know what? You probably won't even remember most of what occurred during those years. I don't.
You probably want this for the beauty, for the thinness. You probably hate yourself & think this is a way to fix it. Its not. Do you want to know about self-hate? Do you??? Then go ahead & start starving, because I can guarantee you that however much you hate yourself now, it's nothing, NOTHING, compared with how you'll feel about yourself once you get in this. You will despise yourself; you'll hate yourself more than anything. You'll hate yourself more every single day. You're the lowest scum on the earth. You deserve death but death is too good for you.
But do you know what? Self-hatred is the least of your worries now. Because you've likely just signed your own death warrant...& you likely don't even care...yet. But you will. You will care. You will care & you will cry & rage & swear you'd give anything to take it all back. But it's too late, because by the time you're in deep enough to care, you're already dying. Its too late to snap out of it now, no matter how much you want to.
This is the reality of anorexia, of NOS-anorexia. It is nothing like the powerful articles you read on how so & so overcame it. It is nothing like the beauty you see when you look at that thin model. It is nothing like that beautiful popular girl who naturally weighs 80lbs. It is nothing like anything you've ever lived before & you will never be the same.

***I read this and i'm going to recover, I'm going to start eating healthily, well, more than i am, and i am going to workout regularly, and i still want to lose weight but i'll go about it in a healthy way. I still will look at thinspo to motivate me, and probs still be counting calories, and i will be thin, HEALTHILY! I hope some other people decide to try there hardest to do this too.


Current Mood: indescribable
Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
6:47 pm
    I've just ordered some Hoodia off the internet after checking out all the sites this one seems to be pretty 100% pure, so all should go well. I paid £37.99 for 120 caps of 400mg, if anyone understands that lol. Thats basically £3 a tablet. Well i really hope it works! They should be delivered in about 2 days, and it states that the packaging will be unmarked, so i told my mum i have ordered LOADS of tongue bars to cover why the package will rattle lol. I hope it works... i hope my mum doesn't find out. You have to sign for it.. I just hope it's before school so i can sign for it.
    Anyways I've been losing quite a lot compared to usual this week. My willpower is finally getting stronger! I haven't been eating until i get home from school, which is when i have no energy left and need a boost. Today i walked into a shop and bought a mars bar. I then thought, no i can't eat this, i'll give it to my mum when i get in because i know she loves mars's. I said mum i bought you something, and she goes "oh i haven't been eating chocolate lately, it gives me spots" I was like omggg.. then she told me to eat it. I said no i dont like them... and what did i end up doing? Eating it.. it was either that or putting it in the bin... yeah i should of chucked it... o well. And to top things off i just bought my mum chocolates for mothers day, and she CANT eat them, great, what a waste of money!
    I have been doing quite well lately though, i lost 2lbs tuesday and another 1.5lbs today, i'm excited to weigh tomorrow, hopefully another lb?? Maybe two? I'm not eating anymore tonight. I had a mars, a small healthy salmon dinner and 4 biscuits... oops, i don't know why but i slipped on the biscuits. I've had a bottle of water and a green tea. I'm going to distract myself for the rest of the night, i can do it!!!!!! Once i start losing lbs, i get so motivated. I'm not saying how much i weigh, i am so disgusted, but i am going to change that. I think i woke myself up the other day when i didnt want to do anything with my boyfriend because i felt to fat for him to see my skin and all that fat.. I want to be sexy and skinny.. PERFECT.
..x..Collapse )
Saturday, March 10th, 2007
5:08 pm
first post
Hi, I'm new. Looking for support to lose weight again.

The Important Stuff
Weight: 125
Heighest Weight: 135
Lowest Weight: 80
Current Weight: 125
Goal Weight : 110
Fave food : ice cream
Fave Drink : tea, diet soda, wine
Fave Exercise : cardio on elliptical machine
Thinspo : girls at the gym
Where do you slip up?snacking at night
When did it start?8th grade
Why did it start?ballet
Does Anyone know?yes, a few close friends
Do you want help?yes
Diet pills?Lipo 6, ephedrine hcl
fave binge food:cookies
Fave dieting food:stallone protein pudding
How many cals do you consume a day?900, but variable
What tips do you use to lose weight?exercise frequently and randomly throughout the day, drink ice cold water
What do you see when you look in the mirror?a fat monster
Are you in a relationship?yes
If so, Do they pressure you to be thin?yes
Are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?no
Are you depressed?yes
Do you self harm?no
Ever tried to commit suicide?no
Ever been to a psychologist??yes
Fave song?many


Current Mood: determined
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
6:56 pm
Sunday, January 28th, 2007
2:07 pm
From 123lbs to 116lbs
I am going to lose half a stone. I don't care how long but it will be quickly.

Breakfast: Green tea, 1 Weatabix
Lunch: Nothing
Half of dinner or an apple (which ever i can get away with)
In between: the master cleanse drink

Okay so i've kept it simple.. and this is what I'm going to do, for the next 2 weeks at least, because after that I'm going skiing with my Dad and i won't be able to get away with anything. Everytime i lose weight i will be posting my weight on a counter in my journal. Also lately i have been doing about 200-300 stomach crunches and my stomach is getting more toned, noticeably. I'm going to try and make it to the gym a couple of times this week too if the weathers ok.

I hope everyone else is doing fine!

Current Mood: productive
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