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heartbroken. [09 Jul 2009|12:52am]

[ mood | depressed ]

heyy.. is this still active? well i hope so.

if anyone out there hears my cry, can you help?
my bf and i broke up. and its really hard. you can read my blog.

please. thnx.

when everything's broken

Noobie [18 Jul 2007|08:06pm]

I was in love with a boy for four years before I finally won him. We were together for just over two years and one month... until today. I love this boy terribly. He has been my love since I was 14, and for a while I truly thought we would be together forever. My whole side of this is that he was never affectionate when someone else was around; even holding hands was a great effort on his part. I felt like I was a friend, not a girlfriend. He said that since we were past the "honeymoon" phase that he didn't think about being affectionate anymore and that I was strange for still wanting that sort of attention. I don't even know what to think or do right now. I still love him, I do. I just feel so alone right now.

Luckily I have a neighbor who is amazing and he's going to take me out for a little while.

Good god, I just don't want to feel like this at all.
2 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

it's just not as much fun to pick up the pieces [30 Jun 2007|11:36am]

I realize that you don't feel it for me anymore.  I accept it.  But...I still love you.  I may always feel that way, I haven't a clue.  Gods know I've tried to get you out of my heart and mind--but it just hasn't worked.
And now, you've met your "soul mate."  Remember when I was your soul mate?  I do. 
And you're happier than you've been in years.  As much as that hurts me, I'm happy for you.  Happy that you can love.  Hoping some day maybe I will move on.

" And as I moved on, thought I’d blow my mind
But as it turned out, I was wrong
I met my sorrow, saw her in the eyes
She tried my courage
She tried my courage, but left me stronger"

"As I Moved On" ~ Blue Foundation
2 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

[04 May 2007|11:30pm]

i am so tired of missing you. i wish i could get over you once & for all. been seeing a nice guy, but he is not you. i know that i shouldn't compare, but i just can't help it.

i am so tired of mrs. pert & perky thinking that i want to be her friend. maybe in another life, maybe under other circumstances. but i just am not that good of a person anymore. sorry that i didn't come to your b-day party. i just couldn't do it. i hope you had a wonderful day.
1 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

well, well, well [27 Dec 2006|08:41pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

i don't even know what to think. or feel.

so they decided that they couldn't wait for two more months.
they eloped to las vegas and got married the day after christmas.

i am trying not to think that they "had" to get married, and that's why they couldn't/didn't wait.

i can barely handle this news, and if there is another motive for this quick decision, i don't think that i could handle that at all.

i knew, of course i knew, that there was (next to) no hope anyways, but this certainly makes it final, doesn't it?


kill.me.now. please.

when everything's broken

[24 Sep 2006|11:46pm]

i do believe
in everything you see.

you better run run
run run to me
better come come
come come to me
better run.
when everything's broken

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how... [16 Aug 2006|08:55pm]

Hello again. I just want to say that, of all the groups I've joined, this one has stayed my favorite, because I've made friends here. I know I've been gone for a while, due to circumstances created in my head about someone in particular...and I need a good vent because right now I have no one else to talk to but the computer.

Ever since I first saw the movie "Reality Bites" I saw what kind of romance I wanted...other little girls wanted prince Charming...I wanted...well, someone who was extremely intelligent, and sarcastic.

A few years ago there was Jacob, he was my friend and almost every girl I knew, liked him. He was kind, and funny...and with my good friend Becca. He found out through everyone that I happened to like him, but once my friend dumped him, and I had him, I found I didn't want him anymore. He was too kind, too sweet. He told his next girlfriend that I was his first love.
I knew he was mad at me...who wouldnt be, I had led him on.
The next year we were friends again, this time Alexa(my best friend) Jacob and I were inseperable. He was different now though, he was a bit more sarcastic...well, to be as close to Alexa and I as he was, you had to be a bit like us. I found myself attracted to him again, and this time it lasted for what seemed like months, we had no label and I doubt anyone but Alexa knew. He was my first real kiss. Niether of us wanted anything more. Then he went out with Sarah, and,we stopped...then started...and he left me and got with one of my friends...then we were back...then I left him and he went out with another one of my friends...it went on like that for what seemed like forever...every time he'd ask me back I missed him so much I couldn't stand it. Last year he wanted to be with me but I didn't want it anymore, I just pushed him away. He is incapable of being with one person...and that is what I hate...and I hate how mean he is to me...we used to be really close but now its like he's trying to kill me with words. And he knows me so well that he's pretty much accomplishing that goal. All we do is fight and ignore each other and something tells me he doesnt care as much as I do...every time he takes a stab at me I want to cry, because I know everything I'm saying back isnt true. I went through this huge crappy period and lost nearly everyone...and all I wanted was for him to hug me and tell me everything was okay. For a while I could tell he missed me too...but I was too bent up on the things he said to tell him how I felt...he'd ask if I hated him and I'd say no...but we're so cruel to each other...you'd never know how I feel. With everything I've lost I realize more and more that I love him...he's all I want...and I'm just too bitchy to say it. It seems like he says the exact same things to me as he says to every other girl...and that's one thing that hurts the most because...I want to be special...but knowing him...I don't know
And now he's been calling me...every time I see his name on my phone my heart speeds up so i can't breathe...sometimes he just won't say anything...sometimes I wont answer...and tonight he called me his baby girl...but I have no way of knowing if it means anything. I want to scream.
when everything's broken

[21 Mar 2006|08:35am]

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can say, oh

I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow?
Let's get the show on the road today

I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why you still standin' here?
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away

I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
of my desires

I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave.
when everything's broken

i hate you [19 Mar 2006|10:29pm]

alright... reader's digest version of him... He fucked me over. broke my heart and stomped on it. Why can't i just leave it alone?? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Make it stop hurting... please?
when everything's broken

....... [27 Feb 2006|05:09pm]

[ mood | melancholy ]

i saw the two of you on campus today.
you did not see me.

you looked at her
the way you used to look at me

she looked at you
the way that i wish i could still look at you

you shared a laugh
looked so happy
stopped and kissed and gazed at each other

we used to do that.

i thought i was moving on
doing better

until today.

i miss you



i forgot how much...

6 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

you'll never know ........... [17 Jan 2006|08:28am]

[ mood | lonely ]

your still here. i still love you. you left an imprint on my heart i just can't seem to erase.we counted the years once. but that dosn't matter anymore.everyone thinks i was in love with that boy, then later on that girl. i never was, my heart was allways saved for you. remember when we counted the stars, the hours we had left, made them last as long as we could.you taught me so much about myself, i need your love, this is my sad song, this is my secret, that no one knows. the liitle room we had on the chair we moved to the grass, dew wet against my back. you warm against me. i wanted to keep you forever, but we both knew we could never stay. how did i get here? how did i get in so far? i opened all of my doors for you. let you walk right in. now your gone. so far away from me. your phone calls, letters they all mean nothing with out your eyes looking into mine as we talk the hours away. washed away in our sea of never come true dreams.

3 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

talk to me.. [08 Jan 2006|02:31pm]

well, okay.

so there's this guy. and me and him have been going out for about two years now (it will be exactly two years on march 11, 2006). and, well, it seems like he doesn't like me. I moved out of state in June last year, and it's, like, hot and cold between us. sometimes he'll call when he says he does, sometimes he doesn't. and these last couple days, we haven't talked at all. i don't know if I'm annoying him, or what, but I just wish he'd tell me..

2 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

argh! [24 Dec 2005|02:25am]

I have this friend...and a few months ago he got dumped by his girlfriend he's had for 2 years. I do not know if I like him but I do know that she hasn't been very nice and he goes out of his way to see her. something about this annoys me. he's such a good person and she kinda treats him like shit. it really bothers me to be talking to him on the phone and all his friends think it's her, or to be compared to her. it's not like I'm bothered by him...its her! she does not deserve his attention. he needs someone who's going to be there for him not someone who will force him to be there for her.
and then I have this other friend that I'm also pretty close with and him and 4 of my other friends like this girl Hayley. and she leads them on all the time and I hear them talk about how much they love her one minute and "she doesn't give a shit about my feelings" the next. I find it so stupid that they waste thier time when she obviously knows she's hurting them and she constantly makes jokes about how all these guys LOOOOVE her. its stupid.
I have so many great guy friends but they are all attracted to one type of girl. and you can call me overprotective but I don't think it's the right kind of girl.
why don't guys see the good ones? not that I exactly hate those girls its just kind of screwed up that regular girls-who are willing to listen, and be there, and call-can't get a good guy.
I'm surrounded by amazing male friends who think that I'm just another boy. i've always been another boy. it's not like I can't feel. and none of them see that. it's not like I want this instant parade of guys following me. I just want to feel important to someone! even if it's just friends I want some sort of recognition for all the hours I spend listening to everyone's crap then when it's my turn they...conveniantly...have to go.
they love people like Diana...who throw themselves at people and giggle.
I'm tired of feeling like a community trash bin.
it makes me feel like thier just throwing all thier stuff in with me...the trash. the stinky, disgusting, trash that no one wants to look at.
why do these people...these mean people get all the love and devotion when all they do is shit on everyone else?
1 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

a recent poem i wrote [10 Nov 2005|03:02pm]

2 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

[08 Nov 2005|07:08pm]

Really long letterCollapse )

~Note to self I miss you terribly this is what I call a tragedy. Come back to me come back to me...~
when everything's broken

hmmmm [08 Nov 2005|04:24pm]

i'm new here but it doesn't seem like anyone posts here much any more.
7 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

[12 Oct 2005|08:20am]

Mental breakdown.

Notice how all our problems start with men?
3 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

i've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you [07 Oct 2005|07:08pm]

Go fuck yourself. Please. I mean, you should enjoy it, right? Since you're so goddamn enamored of yourself. Where the fuck do you get off acting all high and mighty? You're trying not to hurt my feelings because you think you're a better person than that? N was right: I was WAY too nice to you.

selected readings from The Annotated End of E and J, Vol. 1 and 2Collapse )

And then my friend tells me a story from my grad party where L asked J if he thought I'd mind if she sat on his lap while I was out of the room, to which he replied, "I don't care, I don't date uptight chicks." Had I known about this incident earlier then we would not have lasted this long. You don't talk about me that way in a room full of my friends. Or flirt shamelessly with your ex-girlfriend who I happen to be friends with when I'm right there and I have asked you REPEATEDLY not to. And every time I did, what did you say? Oh, you just don't think about it, or it doesn't mean anything, or I'm just being jealous and you're "not in love with the jealous E." Yeah, remember that conversation? Take your fucking hands off her or I swear to god you'll lose your testicles. How difficult is that to understand?
This is everything I've wanted to say for pretty much the past six months but didn't because I knew you'd just blow it off, like you do everything else, you ASSHOLE.
I'm so glad this relationship is over. I should have done this a long time ago.

I feel much better now.
2 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

The one I love...My fairy prince [03 Oct 2005|06:43pm]

[ mood | dead inside ]

Ok well me and Fairy Prince (F.P) saw each other yesterday...not a lot happened though. Well after JK my dad and mum and sis went to my Gran's for dinner but I had to stay for the youth club that goes on at JK cos I am part of the "clean up squad" so from like 7:30-10:00 I have normally got nothing to do...unless F.P is there. Yesterday he went to his friends house at the beginning and came back about 10 mins later and said lets go for a walk.We walked for 2 secs till we got to his car.Then I ended up asking him something all my friends think is true and something I dont really know what to believe. Some of my friends think he is either using me or messing with me or that he does really like me but is embarrassed cos I am 3 years younger than him. He asked me what I thought was the answer and i couldn't say cos I didn't know.So for once i went with my heart and said I thought that the answer was neither of the three options and that he really did like me. And then we just sat for a while and then he just said that he wasn't messing with me.Then he wanted to go inside and i didn't so he went.I staed outside where the B and Q was that we went to our last walk. After a while he came out and told me to go back in.I said no cos I was upset (he had said we would go for a walk and he went back on it) so he went back inside again. I then started talking to my friend Tamsin (the only other Khoja and Goth at JK) and i poured my heart out to her. Then F.P came back out again and told me to go back in. I said no and told him to and he wouldn't and kept following me telling me to go back inside. He then took my phone and told her to call me back in five. When she had put the phone down, F.P kept asking me to go back inside and when i started to walk away he said followed and stopped me. Then he wrapped him arms around me from behind and still kept asking me to go back in. I told him to stop it and he wouldn't so I left it...I mean i liked it but I was upset and confused and it didn't make it any easier.He then let go and took one of my hands and I let him put it around his neck and then he lifted me up and carried me near to JK. At least he had kept one of his promises right? Anyway he put me down and i just stayed where I was and didn't move. So he put his arms around me again.When tamsin phoned me back he still had his arms around me.Al the time before then he had been asking me for the truth.Once he was facing me and holding me close to him and he did that thing where like in the movies the guy will put their hand or finger under your chin and lift up your head (then they kiss you but he didn't do that which was so unfair.)He wanted to know why I was angry at him and i couldn't tell him.I told tamsin to give me a ring back later and she did.F.P hadn't let go of me yet.He held me close to him and said that we would go inside for about 15 mins (9:45) and then go for a walk.But his mum was feeling ill and he didn't tell me that he wasn't there.I called him at about 9:50 and asked where he was, he said he was almost home.I was really upset.Then Tamsin rang me back and I was crying so much. Thing is that he texted me after. Here is the convo:
Text convo under hereCollapse )

Later the same day I find out that there is me and there is another girl.And he can't choose.He doesn't know if he likes this other girl or if it is something minor.And he wants to figure it out.But what if it is not something minor?Then I am going to lose him.I don't want that to happen.God I really don't want that to happen.He says that he wants to figure out if it is something minor for this other girl.But he says he is confused now.And it isn't becoming clearer for him.Even if it wasn't he still thinks on the one hand we wouldn't work out.And on the other hand hopes we would and would be willing to give it a try.And I dont get it at all.I love him.I love him.I love him.Damnit.I love the guy.So much it hurts.And he says he likes me.But if he did he would not like the other girl.Am I right there?Am I ever right?I am so confused and he is the only one who can sort it out.And he can't because he is confused too.And so i am falling.

Love has a new name for me:Belle Morte.Beautiful Death.Suits don't you think.She will fill you up with her heavenly drink but it can soon turn into poison.And then what was once beautiful becomes death for you too.Bellle Morte beckons me to her.She asks me to lay down beside her and go to sleep.But I dont want to lay with Belle Morte yet.I dont want to lay with her yet.Do I?

when everything's broken

Ranty McRant-pants [24 Sep 2005|08:54pm]

[ mood | purged ]

Hi, I'm new. *Waves*

An ex-fling told me somewhat recently, while we were discussing the fling-days, that my memory is so detailed, I should "be a lawyer or something."

Here, have some detailed memories. It's pertinent, and ties into recent events. Promise. Names have been changed for privacy's sake.

Don't Be A Ho, A.K.A. Drugs Are Bad, M'kay? A.K.A. Why I I Hate The Princess Bride, A.K.A. How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Celluloid_JamCollapse )

3 said everything's working ~ when everything's broken

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