Did you miss me?

Hah, yeahright. Well, since I haven't received any firstborns lately, I suppose I'm just going to have to return to torment you, my nonexistent... wait, no, my possibly existent, but non-commenting, cunningly confusing me into thinking they were non-existent, readership with some more ADJECTIVE POTTERNOUN DAY-OF-THE-WEEK.

Today I'd just like to take a minute to laugh at Oliver Wood's name.

"I'm going to get Wood."
"Mister Potter, would you get Wood, please."
"Well, at least we've got Wood!"
"Everybody get Wood!"

Right, there's the minute. Now I'd like to have a second good old chuckle at the name of the guy who plays him in those awful films. Because clearly, with a character who has a name like that, you just have to cast a guy with a name like Sean Biggerstaff.

"I'm going to get Biggerstaff."
"Mister Potter, would you get Biggerstaff, please."
"Well, at least we've got Biggerstaff!"
"Everybody get Biggerstaff!"


Here, have a good old laugh at some fangirls squeeing over him. I'm so glad I'm far too English and sensible to squee. Now. Read this and try not to laugh at every sentence. Like eating a doughnut and not licking your lips.

Also: Yeah. Me too. I wouldn't post it on that community though. That would be silly.

Crossposted like a Fiddler's Bitch to hatepotter

People Who Just Need to Give Up Pottercommunity Sunday

Oh God, you people MUST have read Half Blood Prince. So why are you still doing this???

caput_draconis <- Harry + Draco = Canon? NO, HARRY + GINNY = CANON.

draco_and_ginny <-Draco + Ginny = Canon? NO, HARRY + GINNY = CANON.

enervatexchange <- Draco + Hermione = Canon? NO, RON + HERMIONE = CANON.

severusbound <- Snape + Hermione = Canon? NO, RON + HERMIONE = CANON.


Meanwhile, laugh at...

The girl who thinks she's an old lady at 19...

The guy who wonders why people are still posting to his dead-since-2002 community when it's THE FIRST ONE THAT APPEARS EVERY TIME YOU SEARCH FOR HARRY POTTER UNDER LJ INTEREST.

Just comedy gold.

This one contains those three immortal words that even now make me laugh so hard whenever I see them;


Also, why does every potter community I come across have Roleplay adverts in it? Why??? Do they have spambots running around posting on EVERY ONE?

Crossposted to hatepotter

Almost makes you feel sorry for Narcissa...

Considering the number of times these people seem to kill her in their fics.

Since the whole area of Death Eater-related communities seems to be a delightful minefield of perversely awful writing, here's another one for this week's Awful Pottercommunity Sunday:


Enjoy lots of very short pieces where Lucius and Bellatrix cheerfully flaunt the meaningless vows of marriage in splendid ways, often involving unforgiveable curses!


Bellatrix woke up shaking, covered in a cold sweat. She did so often, though took great care never to tell anyone. Rodolphus had never known. He was the type of person who could have slept through the end of the world. Lucius was a light sleeper, however.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, sounding groggy. His warm hand pressed against the cool flesh of her shoulder. “Bella?”

“Just a nightmare,” she managed after a moment. “Of Azkaban...” Bellatrix trailed. “I see the lonely, empty cell in my dreams... A place without you or master... sadness and loneliness. It’s… frightening...” She admitted softly.

Crossposted to hatepotter, until mordred_sade gets me for it.

Crafty Pottercommunity Sunday

Today: People Who Like To Knit Potter Stuff!

Inspired by my current foray into Firefly hats, I've seen quite a few people around (couchetard for instance) wearing Gryffindor Scarves. These people take it a little further:

A fairly standard one, HP Knitting: http://community.livejournal.com/hp_knitting/

And a rather specific one, for knitting Weasley Jumpers. I'm not sure how, since I don't think Rowling describes them beyond the colours/designs. http://community.livejournal.com/weasleysweaters/

What I particularly like is the fact someone says they've made "Knitting Icons".

And also: "hi! My name is Zara, and my best friend is going to England in the fall to study abroad for a semester. I've been preping to make her a Weasley sweater as a going away present for when she goes to visit Kings Cross."

To visit King's Cross? Trust me, it's a train station. Not much else. Points of interest include: The Platform 9'3/4 sign. And that's it. Okay, maybe the big black mark on the ceiling over Platform 6 where the Eland was smoking away when we were there with the Belgians. The Cornwall Pasty shop? The Bagel shop (they do very tasty, hideously overpriced bagels). St Pancras is far prettier and much more artistic. Plus, there is no barrier between platform 8 and 9, just a big gap, as she will discover. Platforms beyond seven are in a separate building. Rowling was thinking of Euston when she wrote the first book.

Crossposted to hatepotter

Non-Consensual Pottercommunity Sunday! WOOOO.

And what do I have for you today, my chickens?

I have:


So, this community for for Bellatrix Lestrange x Lord Voldemort/Tom Riddle. Now, let's just think for a minute, if such a relationship were ever to occur, what it would be like...



I'll give you a few minutes to recover.


Okay, now you're prepared, you can look at such gems as this:

Gentleness was not in their nature. The rare times that the Dark Lord let his passion rule him, the sounds were not of gentle moans and soft cries. Instead they were loud, sharp screams and maniacal laughter.

What, doesn't everybody laugh maniacally in the throes of passion?

Then there's this:


Anything that begins "Bellatrix sunk to her knees before the Dark Lord.." just HAS to be full of The Horror, The Horror.

However, that seems to be the most there is ficwise. The community seems to have died some time in 2005.


Crossposted, as usual to hatepotter

Welcome to "Er...what?" Pottercommunity Sunday.

Pottercommunities that make you go. "Er..what?"

This week, I give you something which is part of the "do me cliques", which in themselves are a bit "err, what?". Do Me James Marsters? Acceptable. Do Me Han Solo? A little retro, but ok. Do Me Count Olaf? Okay, now you're pushing it. Do Me Aslan? For Emperor-Beyond-The-Sea's Sake! You want to shag something that is A)A thinly disguised Jesus representative and B)AN EIGHT FOOT FUCKING LION? Let's think about the logistics of this. Lion cock. Woman's vagina. We're talking some serious tissue damage there. Not to mention the penises of all of the Felis genus have those tiny little hooks that dig in to ensure fertilisation during copulation. You've heard female cats screaming, I assume? Unsurprisingly, that community had been deleted. Not that I have anything against furries, unlike our friends at Umbridgesex.

By comparison, do_me_tom is fairly tame. It contains such things as:

Professor McGonagallxTom Riddle Songfics *shudder*

“Tom… What were you doing with Katherine? I-I saw you.

“Now you know how it feels don’t you Minerva?”

“Know how what feels?”

“You know what I’m talking about. You’re dear sweet Albus.”

A brief grammar lesson:

Your is the possessive. Your socks. Your toad. Your fifteen-inch pickled lion's cock.
You're is a contraction of you are. You're eating my socks. You're hurting my toad. You're not putting that thing anywhere near me.

On the other hand, this is actually quite funny in a slapstick way:

As is this:

"I always figured you were a flaming poof, Potter," Draco finally spat.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Firstborns, Firstborns, Luverly Firstborns
Bake 'em in a pie.
They make such a luverly noise
As you scoop out their eye.

Crossposted to, you guessed it, hatepotter