what we desire

getting myself into ...

We’d just gotten into my truck and I was still trying to figure out exactly what I’d been thinking. I didn’t regret kissing her, because as far as kisses go, it was pretty up there on the list of best kisses in my life, but I knew she wasn’t going to be that comfortable with it. I’m not stupid you know.

She was nervous and fidgety and I was cursing myself. I’m not a real complicated guy, I mean I like women, I like to drink, I like country music and I want to be a lawyer, that’s pretty much the end of it. Yet here I am, risking my entire future for a girl I barely know, sure yeah I’ve known her a long time technically but I don’t really know her. I’m fucking crazy. Yet I still didn’t regret it.

"Lindsey...I'm...I'm sorry. About...I'm sorry about kissing you...l-letting you kiss me. I shouldn't have. N-nevermind...W-where do you want to go? I don't want to take up your entire day..."

I sighed, oh fuck me.

“I don’t expect anything from you Tara. I mean alright at some point if you want anything to happen here then it can, but I don’t expect you to do whatever it is you think I expect you to do.”

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the seat.

“I think it’s pretty clear that I’m attracted to you,” under-fucking-statement of the century, still not really the whole point of all this.

“But I’m not going to push you to reciprocate or do anything your uncomfortable with.”

Let’s not even mention the fact that she’s 17 and I could go to jail, though I guess I’ve already taken her across state lines so what’s a little statutory rape? God, I was so out of my league here, but did I really care? I glanced at her, God I was fucking crazy but I wasn’t really caring. In fact if she told me right this second she wanted to be with me … fuck doing the right and honorable thing.

I’m not an honorable guy; I just happen to care what happens to her, not just because I do eventually want her in my bed. Eventually – god I sound like I’m patient, I’m really not and usually I want something when I want it. Yet here I am, telling Tara if she ever decides she wants me then here I am. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Women, god.

“So basically apology not accepted because there’s nothing to apologize for. I liked kissing you and I liked that you let me, but it doesn’t have to happen again unless you want it to.”

God, when the fuck did I become such a do-gooder.
  • Current Mood
    content content
Tara/Lindsey - Smile

Healing is a slow and painful process

My dreams were filled with nightmares, I didn’t have one moment peace since I shut my eyes. I spent half the night crying into my pillow and trying to keep silent. I didn’t want to disturb Lindsey in any way, just me being here did that enough as it was.

It was about nine am when I gave up the notion of sleeping and got out of bed. Looking around at my new surroundings I couldn’t help but smile just a little. I’ve never felt more comfortable then I do right now. I never felt really at home or wanted growing up but here – a place I haven’t been in for a full day – felt more like home then anything away from my mother.

I pulled my bags to the side and started going through them, most of my witchcraft things were gone, well forgotten. Beth didn’t know where they were so for once it’s not her fault. It’s for the best, Lindsey doesn’t know and maybe it’s better that way, at least for now.

Maybe I could hint little things to him and somehow bring the subject up, see how he reacts and go from there. I could try at least, I hope. I’ve never been one to be sneaky; I left that up to the rest of my family.

Slowly I pulled things out of my bag to wear before tiptoeing around the apartment for a towel as I slipped into the bathroom. Sighing, I looked into the mirror and shook my head at the sight of my own face, it was bad. Maybe the worst it’s been in a long time. That alone worried me, what if Lindsey hadn’t come for me, what would have happened then...

I shudder at the thought.

Quietly I got into the shower and stood under the hot water for who knows how long, I got lost in it. I didn’t have to worry about making sure the door was locked, Donnie flushing the toilet downstairs just to scold me or give me a cold shower. Simple things made me realize just how free I was.

I might be free but I was still scared of things, but that was normal. This was new and frightening and it would take getting used to. Thankfully I was comfortable with Lindsey to begin with, that made things easier.

I got out of the shower eventually and slowly got dressed, hissing when I had to put my bra on because the marks on my back hurt still. Once I did that I finished getting dressed, running my fingers through my hair and leaving it down to dry I hung the towel up and made sure the bathroom was neat before I left it.

It was nearly eleven am so I decided to head into the kitchen and surprise him with breakfast. Hopefully he had what I needed. Pancakes were mamma’s favorite things to make and teach me, I could make them in my sleep if I wanted too.

Opening the cabinets I started going through everything and pulling out what I needed, soon enough I found enough to make chocolate chip pancakes and cheese omelets.

It wasn’t long before I heard Lindsey start to move around, I kept on doing what I was doing and waited for him to come in. I hope I didn’t make too much noise and wake him; I’d feel horridly bad.

A few minutes later I heard him come in, yawning and leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed. I turned and grinned at him. “Morning, I made breakfast.” I gave him a hopeful look. “I h-hope you don’t mind…”
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
threats and smiles

seeing red

Thursday night I spent time with my mother, her boyfriend was pretty much passed out when I got home and surprisingly enough she wasn't so she took the time to ask me what was going on with me. At first I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about, then she got that look I haven't seen in a really long time. Like she cared. She asked me who the girl was. At first I was pissed off because she was suddenly taking an interest in my life. What right did she have to give a shit anyway?

Then I started to open up to her, I didn't tell her it was Tara Mclay, she knew my history with the Mclay family and I wasn't going to have her tell any of her shitty friends that something was going on when it wasn't. But I told her that I found someone I cared about, quickly, I even told her about the one instant that scared me, when I thought the word love.

I closed down quick enough, when she poured herself another drink. We talked for a while, me leading her out of the subject of my love life or lack there of. And finally she was drunk enough to remind me why I don't talk to her. I want to hate her, I want to be able to hate her without the guilt, but I don't, I just feel the rage burning inside and I lock myself in my room with my guitar and don't give a shit about disturbing her lover.

The morning came quick enough, nightmares invaded my dreams but I tried to push them out of my mind and look forward to my date with Tara, my meeting with Tara. Date, that's not what she'd call it I was sure enough of that.

I was out at the bluff by noon, my truck was packed and I'd said my goodbye's, Mae's coffee in my hand I just sat out by a shady tree and wrote for hours, finally I looked at the my watch and realized it was 2:30. Tara was late, I wasn't worried, she wasn't the type to break a promise, 3 O'Clock rolled around and I felt the knot return to my stomach.

3:30 and I got in my truck, something had happened, I knew it in my bones and I had a sickening feeling that it was my fault.

I pulled up to Tara's house and saw that Donnie's truck was there but her father's wasn't. I assumed Beth was around as well as Donnie, that probably wasn't good. The knot in my gut kept twisting harder as I tried to figure out what to do. Did I knock? What the fuck, where was the manual for handling this shit?

Finally I got out of my truck, I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to her, without making sure she was alright. I knocked on the door and stood there like an idiot for a few minutes until the door opened and I was faced with a smug looking Beth Mclay.

"Lindsey McDonald, why am I not surprised, come to pay your whore?" She gave me the once over, she was checking me out and implying Tara was a whore? Stupid cunt.

"Where's Tara?" I asked ignoring her moronic insult.

"She's taken care of, don't worry." I glared at her and tried to calm myself. I didn't hit women, but I wasn't so sure Beth qualified as human let alone female.

"I'd like to see for myself thanks, could you get her?" Beth rolled her eyes and I clenched my fists, having a hard time keeping them at my sides.

"Why do you insist on paying my ugly cousin for something you could get for free if you played your cards right." She leaned on the doorjam in an attempt to be seductive, was she serious?

I heard a crash inside and my senses became alert. Something was wrong, worse than wrong even and then I heard it, a cry that sent a chill down my spine. Without thinking of anything but Tara I yanked open the screendoor, pushed past Beth and towards the noise. I was going to kill that bastard.

When I entered the room I saw red, all it took was seeing Tara's black eye, cowering on the floor and I snapped.

"You motherfucker," I growled and attacked him, hitting him more times than I'd like to count but not nearly as much as he deserved.

"The whore is ..." I felt my eyes sharpen and I hit him one more time, so hard he was knocked out cold. I didn't even want to know what he'd done to her, if I did I'd kill him, so I walked carefully over to her and surveyed the damage, i bit my lip so hard to keep from getting up and slitting Donnie's throat that it bled.

Tara was shocked, scared and pleanty of other emotions I imagined she'd be feeling. "I'm getting you out of here, don't argue," I picked her up carefully, her arms automaticly went around my neck, she was hurt, that much was apparent she was out before I made it to the foyer. I started walking towards the front door and Beth got in my way.

"What the hell are you doing?" She tried to stand firm, "What did you do to Donnie?"

I glared at her again, "Not nearly what he deserves, you are lucky I don't hit women, go upstairs and get pack up as much of her things as you can," she looked defiant and I could tell Tara had passed out already, I wanted to get her out of here fast, "I will amend my policy on hitting women and do far worse to you than Donnie has ever done to her if you don't do what the fuck I tell you to."

Obviously scared Beth hurried up the stairs, I was bluffing, I'd never hit her but she didn't have to know that. Not two minutes later and longer than I wanted her to she came down carrying a suitcase and duffel bag stuffed with clothing. "Did you get any pictures of her mother? Any books she's reading?"

"Like I know ..." She stopped when she really looked at me and ran back upstairs, shortly after she had a backpack full of books and pictures. She didn't even hesitate to follow me carrying Tara's things out to my truck. I carefully put Tara in the passenger seat and shut the door. I looked at the house knowing Donnie would wake up soon enough.

Beth was glaring at me, "You know Beth, you might think you are hot shit, but you aren't. You poor cunt are the town slut that everyone talks about and no one touches anymore because they worry about the diseases you might have. Think about that when your screwing your uncle. If any of you comes near me or Tara again I will kill you, and if you think I'm bluffing on that one then you don't know what love is."

I got into the truck and peeled out of there quickly, I headed towards the highway and realized that I could be arrested for doing this. She could hate me, but I just couldn't care, if she stayed there they'd kill her and not just figuratively either. They'd kill her. She could hate me. I thought about taking her to a hospital but I knew she wouldn't want that; she'd have to explain what happened and I knew from experience that wouldn't be happening I just had to hope she was alright.
  • Current Mood
    enraged enraged

Climbing the walls...desperate for an escape...

I didn’t get much sleep, between Cousin Beth finding every way to torment me – her favorite being reminding me that my mother wasn’t here or she wasn’t making this dinner – or she managed to find something to ruin. Regardless I was miserable.

Not to mention Donnie constantly coming into the kitchen and looking over my shoulder, picking his hands into the food and making comments as well. There was one point last night I had such horrid thoughts about them. I ended up crying because I felt guilty and I knew mamma taught me better.

Now Tara, you know that hating someone doesn’t do anything for them or to them. All it accomplishes is draining you of your goodness.

After a good cry in the back room I finished up everything I needed to do for dinner without actually making everything. I finished at about three am and headed up to bed, crawling under the covers and wrapping myself in my mothers’ blanket. I didn’t even bother to change clothes.

Thankfully one thing was on my side, I didn’t have any dreams or nightmares.

It wasn’t even nine am when I got up to start the turkey, I had stuffed it the night before like mamma did and had it all ready to go in the oven. But when I got down there it wasn’t the way I left it.

I sighed, biting my bottom lip nearly hard enough to break skin and I set to work on re-stuffing the turkey. That took longer then I wanted but I finally had it in so I could start working on the pies. I didn’t want to give any of them anything to complain about, it wouldn’t be the complaints that would upset me it would be Beth’s constant ‘well your mother didn’t make it like this’ and I didn’t want to deal with that, I wanted a nice and hopefully quiet dinner.

My father came down at noon to inspect everything and for half a second I thought he was going to compliment me. But the only thing he said was ‘your mother didn’t make it like this…’

I made the rest of the dinner in tears, crying silently and wishing that somehow I’d get some respect from them. Setting the table and making two kinds of mashed potatoes as well, I did everything I could think of before they came into eat.

“You know Tara, I don’t know why you even bothered. I already know it’s not going to be any good…”

“It better be.” Donnie gave me a look and my heart dropped into my toes as I nodded quietly, dishing things out and bringing them to the table. I started to sit down in the fourth seat but Donnie quickly stuck his boot up onto it and gave me that look that made my blood run cold.

I knew better then to even think of arguing. It’s ok though. I was meeting Lindsey soon and I could get out of here and get away for a little while.

They ate and I did the dishes, scrubbing the kitchen till the fingers on my right hand bled before I tried to squirm my way out of the house. I wanted to go and not have to worry about them looking for me. I didn’t want them to find Lindsey and maybe hurt him just because they wanted too.

I managed to squirrel away enough food for the two of us plus some to take with me to meet him, Lindsey said he’d never really had real Thanksgiving dinner. Actually, he said they got take out or nothing at all. I didn’t like the idea of him having either this Thanksgiving.

Not to mention it would give us something to do, we could go up to the bluff and watch the sunset while we had dinner.

It would be nice for both of us to have a decent meal, having it together was the bonus.

Carrying the basket with my good arm I headed down the path, making sure nobody followed me. a small smile came to my lips for the first time today when I heard the creaking sound of the ropes from the swings.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent

i'm a rambling man

I sat in a corner booth in Mae's fiddling nervously with my coffee cup. Still the best I'd ever had, but it did little to sate my mind. She had tutoring? I wondered if she'd been tutoring yesterday here, if so why wasn't she here again? My mind had been filled with all kinds of thoughts about Tara through the night. I'd even kept the fighting with my mother down to a minimum. I was as equally unimpressed with her new boyfriend as the last but I chose to ignore their fighting counting down the minutes until I could get out of there. I wasn't so sure I was going to last till friday in this death trap.

I only had one reason to stick around instead of just heading back to school and wasting some money on a cheap hotel room till the apartment was aired out. Tara. The little 12 year old girl who Donnie teased and hurt mercilessly had always haunted me in the strangest of ways. It wasn't just the guilt I felt about not being able to help her or the realization that my torment of Donnie had probably done more harm than good where she was concerned, it was her. Her eyes, the thought when I first saw her that she was some angel come to rescue me from a life unwilling to let me be a decent man. An angel rescuing me from the burden that I might turn out exactly like my father.

I could almost see the halo resting above her head in my memory of the first look. I didn't like being a hapless fool over some girl, but the thing was she wasn't just some girl. That little 12 year old had turned into a beautiful woman, shy and kempt but so much more under the surface. Remembering the way she'd stuck up to me when she'd misinterpretted what I'd said just made me smile. At least she didn't take shit from everyone.

I couldn't judge her; not really. My father had taken his fists to me and mom more times than I could count and I never left, I waited for him to die and cried with joy when he had. I never left him, I'd resigned myself to being stuck in this shithole, so I couldn't blame her. I'd sought out the approval of my parents no matter how much they hurt me. I kept my anger in check with my dad because if he didn't take it out on me he'd take it out on her. It was love and hate and death and pain and all of it was a life I didn't think I was capable of leaving.

But I had. She could too, I had this notion that I could take her with me, it was insane, I didn't even know her. But I felt like I did, that light in her eyes, the pain she held with her I felt it all too close to myself and I wanted to take it away. Perhaps it was based on the past, the look on her face as she tripped down the stairs and the look in Donnie's eyes when he boasted about the things he'd done. I'd thought he was all talk, but now after a night of milling over every aspect of our conversation I knew Donnie was a sick bastard who didn't deserve to have the same gene's as Tara.

Women always appeared to me to be objects at my exposal, put on this earth to attend to my pleasures, I rarely treated them with the respect their fragile hearts deserved but I only dismissed their feelings, one night stands and the Mcdonald charm had been my cosy comfort, but I'd never repeated the things I'd seen my father do. I refused to become him.

I sighed heavily with thoughts of him and looked to the door, the bell chimed above the door and I looked up, she walked in, her blonde hair flying behind her head as the wind seeped into the diner. She was beautiful; how could anyone bare to hurt her? She nervously slid into the booth across from me and I saw it, the slight redness across her cheek.

I watched her settle herself and she looked up, "What did they do?" I asked motioning to her cheek.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

What good is tomorrow without a guarantee?

Acceptance was never something I was good at. I was forced to but deep inside of me it ate away at my soul, stayed with me and made everything I did feel foul.

Mamma was gone and she wasn’t coming back. She didn’t go away to my Aunt’s in Tulsa, she didn’t go visit some far away shaman in private to get some herbs, and she didn’t go visit grandma’s grave in Charlottesville.

Mamma was dead.

I can’t accept that.

I refuse to.

I don’t understand how someone so wonderful could be taken away. Selfishly, how could she be taken away from me? I am her daughter and I needed her. I need her.

But there’s no use crying over spilled milk – my father would pitch a fit and tell me I was weak if he knew I was upset. It’s only been a few weeks, why wouldn’t I be upset?

He’s already ‘moved on’ and dealt with her death. So he says. It makes me wonder if he really did love her, at all or ever, the way he talks about her now. Or the way he treated her then.

“Tara!” I snapped out of my thoughts and turned back to the boy. “I’m not payin’ you to stare into space. You’re supposta teach me this crap.”

I sighed and nodded. “S-sorry…” I bit my lip and looked down at the paper, trying to remember what today’s tutoring lesson was about. I haven’t been able to keep my mind on anything much except my mother and right now I don’t know why I told him it was ok to do the lesson today. “I-I’m sorry.” I muttered, turning the book back to show him the next set of questions.

“Ya know, screw this.” He snapped at me, slamming the book in my face and making me yelp. “We’ll do it another day. I’m not paying you to teach me nothing.” He snapped, getting up from his seat, making me jump back in my chair and just look at him. “And if ya think I’m payin’ for this session you’re wrong.” He turned on his heal and walked out of the shop.

I ran my hand over my eyes and then through my hair, looking down at my lap and sighing, silently kicking myself for not paying attention and earning the money I was supposed too.

He’s going to be so upset with me. I don’t even want to think about what’s going to happen. Maybe I can avoid telling him, if at all possible. I wasn’t that lucky.

I looked around and saw people staring at me and my face turned deep red as I quickly packed my things up and tried to find a way out of here, quickly. There were a lot of people from out of town around here lately so every place was packed.

I smiled quietly at Mae and paid my bill before I headed out, hurrying so I could make it to the market before it closed. I couldn’t believe I was this late and Cousin Beth would pitch a fit and so would my father if he knew that I missed going to the market.

Pulling my bag onto my shoulder I started to head out of the coffee shop, I had to head up to the market to pick up apples and other things I’d need for holiday dinner. I couldn’t believe that he was still determined to have a holiday so soon…

I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and someone bumped into me, spilling all of my books and anything that was in my bag onto the floor. I sighed and knelt down, trying to pick everything up as people walked by me, ignoring me much like I am at home.

“Stupid…stupid…” I muttered, sighing again and trying to pick everything up. I gasped, startled, when I saw someone start to pick up my books and help me. A small smile crossed my lips and I nodded quietly in thanks as we got everything up and into my bag.

“You got everything?”

My eyes met his and something inside me twisted, I wasn’t sure if it was a good feeling or not. I just looked up at him for a moment, trying to get all of my things together. Biting my lip I started taking things and shoving them back into my bag.

“I-I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t be late…” I shrugged and put my bag back on my shoulder, making sure that I had it closed this time. I didn’t need to be stupid again. Swallowing hard I tucked my hair behind my ear. “S-sorry…I-I s-should um head over t-too the market…” I started to make my way past him, biting my lip and ducking my head down, trying to remember how to make Mamma’s pie.
my last song

small town trap with dreams of breaking out

Thanksgiving vacation how I loathe thee. The intention I had when going to college was to be as far away from home as possible and not be living on the streets. Scholarship to Hastings and it was the dream of dreams. Cocky kid from Oklahoma fits in well in Nebraska, not too much apart from what I’m used to but enough to give me a feeling of self, independence and all that.

Every time I get a letter from mom I want to find my way back home and kick the living shit out of whatever asshole in her life this week, though no asshole outranks the one who raised me. His death should have affected me somehow; all I really felt was relief. Call me sick but knowing he died painfully gave me a slight happy. What can I say? The man did everything he could do to make my life miserable, not to mention the way he treated my mother, I don’t get all weepy thinking about it.

As much as I love my mother I resent her because she surrounds herself with carbon copies of the bastard. They treat her wrong, hit her, spend her money and are general fuck ups. I never blamed her for taking dad’s shit, but I blame her for taking new shit from new assholes. She has a choice; she knows what they are like before she takes them in.

One day I’m going to get her out of that stupid little town and she’s not going to have to worry about anything else ever again. She’ll be sitting pretty drinking jack and playing bridge or some other fucking card game that will pass the time. She won’t have to worry about working long hours or getting good tips, letting assholes grab her ass. I love my mother, but I hate my mother.

Not as much as I hate this town, even my old friends from high school are too much to deal with. Don’t they want to get out of this place? It’s like a trap, holding you in giving you only what you think you need, vice grip of an early death; small town trap.

Mom’s insistence that I come home and meet her newest boyfriend pretty much sent a pit of nastiness into my stomach; but sometimes you just can’t say no, and because of my fucking landlord I have to be out of the apartment while he gets a stupid roach infestation taken care of. Not that I want to live with roaches, I just want to keep myself as far away from this godforsaken town.

So here I am in my beat up old truck going on a fucking grocery run, with my money no less, it’s so good to be home. It’s enough that she keeps asking about classes, how much law school is going to cost and her boyfriend being a general pain in my ass, but she expects me to give up my money for beer for some guy?

I’m here aren’t I?

There are some things that a son should never have to do, and watching my mother waste away is one of those things. At least in my opinion; being forced to go ‘visit’ my father is another one, but she hasn’t gotten away with that recently.

I try to avoid the stares I get inside, just grab the stupid beer and get the hell out of there, I’m in no mood to have someone ask me about mom or how school’s going. I don’t need a reminder that if I fuck up I’m back here bagging groceries or working at the mill. I deserve better than this town has to offer. Most of the people here don’t, but that’s not the point, I just want out. Old friends are useless, they can’t see themselves anywhere but here, and I know this place will kill me if I stay.

I threw the six-pack into the passenger seat and realize pulled out of the parking lot. My favorite coffee shop came into view and I decide to pull over and grab a cup. I may hate this town, but there are some things I miss. Like Mae’s coffee, best damn coffee you’ll find in the states, well that’s what I imagine, not like I’ve been anywhere else besides school.

I hopped out of the cab and headed towards the door. The street was more crowded than I’d remembered, but I just shook the thoughts away, I’d have to make it through the week so I’d have no choice but to come back here at least twice a day, mom couldn’t make coffee if her life depended on it.

I was almost to the door when I heard a muffled yelp, a girl had dropped her bag and was crouching down to pick up her things, every damn person that walked by paid no attention to her, motherfuckers.

I walked over to her and bent down to help her grab her things, school books and things like that. My hand grazed hers and I felt an odd sensation start in my spine and travel up. What the hell?

She looked up and I met her eyes, holy shit. She was beautiful, natural beauty accented by those eyes; there was so much in her eyes that I almost fell backwards with the intensity of them. As stupid and corny as it sounds she literally looked like an angel and I felt myself shiver inside. How could I completely write off this town when there was someone like her here?

I may be an asshole, but I do have some common decency.

“You got everything?” I asked dumbly. I was not a guy who tripped over words. In all honesty if I was anything it would be something along the lines of a player, girls were in and out of my apartment when I wasn’t busy with class. Seeing beautiful women never really did much to me, yet here I was, standing like an idiot in the middle of Main Street. Mae was probably looking out from inside hoping to warn this girl about my foul nature.

She blushed deeply and I couldn’t help but smile wider. There was something a little familiar about her but I couldn’t put my finger on it. If she was local that would explain it, I’d probably seen her around somewhere or something. But how could I have never noticed her before now?

Never said I was all that smart when it came to things that could actually be good for me. Did I just think that? She hasn’t even spoken yet and here I am.