wool. (wool) wrote in __3inthemorning,

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stamped/just a thought

I just kind of wanted to say something, if you would listen, and maybe help me out

I'm really glad I found this community. I'm in a lot of communities, but none where people actually care about other people. None where people actually open up to each other. When I posted my question of the week answer I kind of just wrote what I thought about it, because I honestly didn't know you guys were going to be so wonderful about everything.

I've never physically hurt myself because I'm afraid. I've wanted to so badly, but I'm not brave at all. I haven't physically done anything bad to myself any worse than a bad hair cut or color. Emotionally I have basically killed myself. I'm only seventeen, and I live in a one horse town. How much could go wrong? I'll tell you. My mother had three daughters by three different men. She was married three times, and cheated on her second husband. She has no idea who my older sisters father really is. She wasn't ready for kids. My father is your stereotypical sit on the couch watching the game drinking beer and mentally abusing people type of father. The only time he ever speaks to me is to scream at me for not cleaning up after him, or that my grades aren't good enough for him. My mother sits at her television and cries all day long for absolutely no reason. If you try to talk to her she'll cry more and yell about how nobody understands what she's going through. I live alone with them, my sisters are both married and moved out.
In the summer of 2001 I recieved a call saying that my friend Jocelyn had died. It was the absolute worst thing I'd ever experienced. The worst part about it was that the entire world seemed to keep going. Why would the whole world just keep turning when something so tragic had happened? I had no idea. I wanted to know. I could easily have gone insane after that.
Then, this past November I was getting ready for homecoming when my phone rang. My best friend was on the other line crying. I assumed that she'd broken up with her boyfriend and I just wanted to get her to stop crying so I told her that nothing she had to say could ruin my day, and just to tell me. She told me that her brother Brian, who had just coincidently turned 21 on that very day had passed away. His roommate found him dead. Apparently it had been a drug overdose.
Needless to say, I'm not a happy person. I'm not like everyone else around here. I'm not optimistic and I'm not going to pretend to be for anyone's sake. I know that bad things happen, and I've experienced that first hand. I have no family. At least, I don't consider these people my family. Two of my friends have died unexpectedly. I just, I give up.
No, I may not physically hurt myself, but inside...I want to die. There is nothing inside of me anymore. I'm cold, and I'm heartless, and I have nothing to live for. The only reason I wake up in the morning is because I know that I'm one day closer to death. My soul is dead, so there's no reason for my body to still be here. I wish to God I could smile again, like the way I used to smile. The way I used to smile when everything was alright. When I was still naive, and still thought that people were basically good and that nothing bad could happen.
I guess I just posted this because you guys seem so understanding and helpful. I could sure use someone's insight. Someone who could maybe relate at least a little. All of my friends tell me I need to stop crying over it and start having fun. I can't do that though. I need advice...help?

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