banshee1067 (banshee1067) wrote in ___passing___,

Angry and depressed....

Went to the mall today on another futile search for clothes. All the guy stuff is so boring and styleless. Funny enough, I couldn't help but notice pretty dresses, etc., even though I knew they would look fucking ridiculous on me.

That thought stuck in my head after I returned, so here I am, depressed and looking for ways to punish myself for being big, for the fact that I WOULD look like a caricature in things like that. I ended up hitting myself in the face several times and then cracking my head against my bedroom wall, leaving a lump that bled a bit. It almost felt good, to hurt myself. In college, sometimes I'd stand in front of the mirror and hit myself till the mirror was spattered with blood and my face looked disturbingly cavemannish when it started to swell up from the bruises. At least I'm not slashing up my face with a knife, which I used to do in late college, going to class with welts all over my face and telling everyone that no, a cat didn't cut me, I did it to myself for being an ugly fucking loser.
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