i don't have any words. i just need to document this feeling somehow.
please someone understand this ache...
this up down rollercoaster.
**** HEAVY ON PICTURES.
( i've been a lot of people in a short amount of timeCollapse )
this post may seem a little weird but bear with me,
im a photography student at ryerson university in toronto, im in my last year (fourth) and im working on my final project. the focus of my project is girls who live with, or are recovering from, or who have had an eating disorder. this project is very personal to me as i lived with ana and mia for five years. i used to visit all of these sites and coming back to them has brought up alot of all memories of the girls i met over these sites and the support i recieved. i am not fully recovered but i am really looking into the pressures and feelings that go along with this and im reflecting alot on my own life and the effects of this. my photos will be only from the shoulder up, a classic headshot, because i dont want each photo to be about the body at all. my purpose is to bring awareness to this and put a face to this struggle. i also want to get rid of stereotypes i have found people have about girls who obsess with what they eat. people have very strong assumptions which i want to change.
i have the upmost respect for everyone im shooting and im looking for anyone of any age and colour. i am willing to go a distance from toronto so you dont have to come to me if youre not able or comfortable.
if any of you are willing to sit for me or talk to me about this you have no idea what that would mean to me,
please visit my site at www.kajatirrul.com just to see that im legitimate.
if you go under contacts youll see my email and number in case you want to talk to aside from livejournal.
i bought clothes instead!!! really hot shirts from express & aeropostale. some neat shit from hot topic, including 3pairs of leggins (tights w/out feet). i got a special water bra from victoria secret. wow! i said id never spend that much ona bra!. it was $50, a water bra, w/water inside so i look bigger. also got the cutlets shapers to go IN the bra to make me look major!!! the bra is so soft i see why gurls spend $$ on this shit. i also got a really pretty pair of shoes that have sneaker bottoms but pretty tops - from sketchers :-) & i bought a corduroy book bag that says Hollister on it!!! now how easy was it to spend $400 in 2 hourse :-O i felt like i must deserve this after suffering w/my weight for so long. ive just gone up another 1/2 lb, so im now 130.2, i want to scream & cry & rage!!!!! i need to download some evil metal rock so i can burn off this shitty feeling!! cept i dont have a downloader cuz they cause trojans etc. so no tunes for me. but im thinkin of one i like by mike patten from faith no more called, "little gurl".............luv it............pray for my success as i do for you. you gurls are my life-line! why the fuK am i gaining?????????????? ps the hoodia made me very sick & barfed twice friday, wicKed nice............now what
im now 129.6 & am NOT willing to be back in the 130's. if i starve i dont lose, if i nibble ev few hrs i fuKing gain. i am so over my body. i hate it!!! my daughter's on medifast & is gonna fly right by me in weight, biatch. no way do i have any desire to medifast my way. i have my ways of what i do. but they're not working. plz, if anyone has advice, im dying here. i CANt be 130 again, i'll die. whatever happened to fuKn 99 lbs???????????????? how the fuk am i ever gonna get close to that????????????????????????????????????
plz w/b, im dying inside. ps im new here, thank you for accepting me!!