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A Letter I Don't Intend To Send

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hurt [20 Aug 2010|11:12am]

 Dear S, 
I'd appreciate an opportunity to apologize for whatever I have done in the past to make you dislike me so strongly and thus was wondering if you'd be willing to meet up with me sometime for coffee. I'm not sure what it is that I have done, but I realize that it must have been really rude/hurtful to you in the past, as why else would I have been treated with such contempt? Please know that I am not blaming you for how you have acted towards me; if what I did truly was so terrible, then I absolutely deserve to be hated by you. But I truly am sorry for whatever I did and didn't mean it. I really am not such a bad person and it is never in my intentions to hurt another. It really pains me that my actions have had such a negative effect on another. I am not suggesting that we have to be friends, but I would like to be able to apologize to you face to face, and at least have the opportunity to explain myself and my actions. It's a new year and I don't want to start it out with enemies. Again, I am really, really sorry for whatever I have done to hurt you. 

Hope your summer went well. K
let's write a little

[16 Jan 2010|04:39am]


I'm not going to promise ANYTHING except if we do get together, you have no need in wording if I'm going to be loyal or wanting someone else while I'm with you. And if it DOES happen that I fall for someone else, or lose the feelings, you will know as soon as I do. The truth would hurt... both of us, actually, but you don't deserve to be lead on.



I'm REALLY getting tired of your bullshit. First, you make me love you and say that you're in love too, but then get engaged behind my back and don't even have the decency to tell me (yea, I know, difficult. But, as your supposed "lover" and supposed "best friend", I should have been first to know).. Then, you decide your husband isn't enough, and "[you] could never let [me] go" because of feelings still, but yet I haven't seen you face to face in 5 1/2 months (8 if I don't count the half hour you came over just to punch me the whole time). Then, every time I suggest coming over, you say something about not being able to have sex. Yea, 'cause sex is really the only connection we've ever had (maybe you think so because deep down, you KNOW our emotional connection is just about dead, and you're the one that's killing it). Yea, I'm not going to lie: I'd have screwed you, because I'M single, so I'M not doing anything wrong, and what you said to me a couple months ago only fuels that (I had an attack of conscience the other night where I didn't want that guy to get hurt as badly as I did, but then I remembered your words). Morally, my mom would definitely not have been proud of me if she knew, but what are morals when you make me question how I live every day? Then, you make me feel more poor than I am by telling me, not in these words, that $1 is too much for me to spend. A DOLLAR! I know it's not the $1500+ your husband dropped on your selfish, spoiled ass THAT DAY, but you don't have to make me feel like I can't afford anything. Then, you make me feel like a thief for taking 5k credits out of your account when I paid for them, so I should be able to do what I wanted with them (and I DIDN'T have to be nice and leave a note OR end up giving them back). And now, like always when we have a fight, you have to make sure our whole group sees it? You know, I told you I'd always be there, and I fully intend to keep my promise, but I don't know why I should when the last nice thing you did for me was 5 months ago, you cheated on what YOU yourself said we had, and I can almost guarantee I'm STILL a secret to your husband, just like I was when we were in the relationship you'll never admit we were in ('cause maybe that would mean you were cheating on the boyfriend I'm looking back on now that you had then, or you just didn't think I was worth it). Yea, "best friend"? Best friends aren't secrets. You know MY best friend? Her husband ACTUALLY KNOWS ABOUT ME. What are you afraid of? Me letting it slipped we were in love? Well, thank you for thinking that has ANY bearing on how I feel about a friend. My best friend? I liked her. I told her I did too (and if the husband didn't know, he does now). But, you know what? That was a long time ago. And those feelings? Yea, they actually helped me feel closer to her. Now, I respect her marriage, so why do you think I'd do ANYTHING to sabotage yours? I'm not as underhanded as you.

let's write a little

[23 Dec 2009|09:49am]

[ mood | confused ]

Dear Mike,
I wish there were more words in the English, or really any, language to express how much I love you. I think about you constantly, I dream about you, you are never out of my head. And I miss you more than you know. I know it's partially my fault that this whole "visiting" thing isn't happening the way we planned. But I can't help my mother.
I want you to know how much it hurts me when I see picture of you and Allison together. I understand they are old...some of them three years. I understand that you love me and not her. There are so many rational thoughts about this going through my mind, but regardless of all that, I can not help the way I feel. It really bugs me that you guys hung out the other day. And it bugs me that you're offended by it. I know you're not going to run away from me, but can't you understand that you hanging out with the first girl you ever loved, the girl who took your virginity and her yours and the girl who broke your heart makes me uncomfortable. It's not that I don't have faith in you, it's just the thought of you being so near to someone that was once so close makes me realize how easily I could lose you and how much that would hurt.
Plus I can't stand being away from you. It hurts me so much that you're not there to hold when I wake up nor to kiss me when I make a stupid joke. I hate this distance and I feel so separated from you. It's so painful I've even contemplated breaking up with you; just to spare me the pain from when we actually do and I have to see you with other girls and in everyday situations and not be able to hold you and touch you and kiss every part of your body. It's hard enough when we're four hours away and in love, I can't imagine it when we've wounded each other and live 3 minutes away.
I know I'm hard to deal with. I'm insecure and needy, quick to anger and temperamental. But you do know how to deal with me, and you calm me down and make me feel safe. Here at home I feel myself falling into terrible old habits; I drink too much, smoke cig after cig, and let my mother's words cut me deeper than they should and once again, I contemplate purging my dinner. You are my safeguard from that and without you I feel so lost.
There's really no conclusion to all this, just musings. I love you. I miss you. I need you and I want you. I hope to see you soon.


let's write a little

[15 Nov 2009|04:04pm]


I've made an "I don't want your forgiveness anymore" card for you that I also don't intend to send. Inside it are the rough drafts of the apology that I did send you before I knew you would blackmail A for 200 bucks. I don't want your forgiveness anymore. It was your job to tell us that you didn't like our boyfriends and didn't want them to sleep over before trying to get A evicted, if you wanted me or any of us to continue to try and be friends with you.

I don't want to speak to you, because you speak in a language of blackmail, lies and evictions, and that is a language I choose not to speak. I don't care if you go to the office and tell them I'm not "living cooperatively" in hopes that they will give me a warning too. It's not true anyway. I haven't done anything nasty to your things, or made noise in attempt to keep you from sleeping, or anything like that. I haven't done anything to you at all.

You have won the battle of getting the boys out of the apartment, but you will not win the battle of getting any more attention from me than I have already wasted on you.

I'm through with this situation. Begone.

let's write a little

[11 Oct 2009|12:07pm]


I'm sorry I was clearly trying to hold on to being sweet by asking you over to sleep, make out a little, and get a massage. I guess it's my fault saying what I said, but quickly jumping into romantic mode when you said what YOU did. I apologize for having a sliver of feeling left for you, and not completely seeing you as an object. I promise, it wont happen again; you'll just be a piece of meat to me, like you never wanted to be. And you'll just be "some chick I bang" like you always joked I told my friends that's all you were. You'll have to forgive me if the ever diminishing place in my heart you occupied is increasingly harder to access.

let's write a little

[27 Aug 2009|03:40am]


Don't get me wrong; things are cool now, but there's always going to be stuff on my mind. Like how you said you never wanted anything more than friendship and pushed me away with one hand, but telling me our love was real, you always saw "something" in me, and pulling me closer with the other. Or how I'm sure you were sleeping with that other guy while we were. Come on, who just buys lingerie just to buy it? I'm not stupid. Or the fact that you got engaged to him when you supposedly loved me. I don't care what you call us, but the simple fact is, if we were as in love as you said, you cheated on me. Yea, words like friendship and relationship are only words; it's the feeling that make the bond. Regardless of if you slept with him while we were "together" or not, you cheated on the bond we supposedly had. And then, I swear I believe you wouldn't have told me if I didn't find out myself. Alas, I have to wonder though: was I the cheated, or was I the other guy? Because, for an engagement that "just recently happened", the October wedding date is pretty quick.

Other things that set me off to think there was something happening with you two all along:
-when you first told me you'd probably not visit when you moved out of your house. And every time you said you were moving out, I KNEW he would be there
-when you told me he said you'd look hot with black hair, then you had it two days later
-all the picture that were "for me" had to be taken by someone, and that one was taken on the exact same phone you said he had
-him wanting to "get back together" so many times, and all you told him is "my head's in a weird place". Not "I'm in love with my best friend"
-how you "passed up opportunities just to keep [my] friendship". Funny, I passed up opportunities 'cause we were in love
-the way you mysteriously disappeared often
-the way he was with you for every vacation, weekend trip, etc.
-the way you seemed to keep me a secret
-the way I always invited you out with my friends, yet you never once invited me out with yours
-telling me that those pics you sent me were mine to do with what I wanted, but when I said I still had them, you wanted them deleted

Shall I go on?
let's write a little

[20 Apr 2009|09:55pm]


Do you even see that I'm falling out of love with you? Do you even care?
let's write a little

[29 Mar 2009|10:54pm]


What do you expect me to say when you ask my HONEST opinion about something that involves money? And this has nothing to do with I wouldn't do it because I'm poor, rather it has to do with YOU being poor. I don't remember how many times you have told me you can barely pay your bills, or you need money, or I've had to try to cheer you up over money problems, but then, you're going out to reserve a DSi, or randomly getting a $200 iPod, and now this. Babe, I know you like doing pictures and photoshop contests and stuff, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Exhaust all your alternatives before you just jump in.

You asked me what I would do if I were you with your mindset, and I told you I'd listen to me. Maybe that was belittling you, but I don't really care.

let's write a little

Dear Parents..... [19 Mar 2009|09:28pm]

Dear Parents,

Something you might want to know when you go to a place called "Seattle's Best Coffee": Unless it's an herbal tea, hot chocolate, or hot cider, chances are, yes, it has coffee in it. Unless specified "decaf", that means your drink is going to have caffeine in it. What does caffeine do? "Caffeine is a bitter, white crystalline xanthine alkaloid that acts as a psychoactive stimulant drug and a mild diuretic". Yes, caffeine gives you "energy" (it's not real energy, it's fake not-so-healthy energy), and in doing so it raises your heart rate. So, if you have a small heart, say the size of the average four year old's, this could make you not feel so well...

Here is your quick friendly suggestion from your local baristaCollapse )
let's write a little

This is the thanks I get? [17 Mar 2009|10:55pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

Dear you,

I put together a birthday party for you.
One where more of YOUR friends could come.
I was going to buy you a big cookie and ice cream.
I even planned on my parents fixing you dinner.

And you blew up at me when I didn't agree with another idea you had, saying just you and another friend would go.

Really? That's how you thank me?


let's write a little

[09 Mar 2009|06:40pm]


I owe you an apology, even though I didn't bring that last thing up. Over the past few days, I have sat and thought relentlessly on what you meant. I realize you said that night "it feels like our only connection is lust", and I let all these things cloud my mind, and acted hastily. While I believe that sex is supposedly the deepest connection two people in love can share and we had an incredibly deep connection from the time we met ALL THE WAY up to when you stopped coming over, (and we haven’t had time to really have ANY type of connection seeing as you haven’t really come over in 4 weeks) I’m fine with you deciding we not have sex for awhile so we can focus on a deeper connection, 'cause I DO want that; I love you. But come on, the night you went to see Rocky: you can’t basically say you’re just a piece of meat to me one day, and I act like nothing happened 2 days later. And I know you; whatever I said, there was gonna be something wrong. If I say “turn the cam off while you get dressed”, you're huge and not attractive, which is far from the truth. And if I say leave it on, and look as much as I used to, I’m furthering the thought of me being just about sex, and so I kept it on, but didn’t want to look too “happy”. Sometimes you put me in situations where I can’t win no matter what I say or do, and that wasn't the first. But, I know we'll get it worked out someday. Just please; don't make this permanent, because that would be unfair to want me to stay with you and not do that, and any girl would know that.
let's write a little

[06 Mar 2009|01:31am]


I don't exactly get it. You said it was unfair to both of us to have sex. How? And don't misunderstand me; I enjoy it, but it doesn't drive all that I do. I'm just trying to figure out your logic. I know, we ARE just friends, like you keep making sure you remind me, but by what I THINK your logic is, it's unfair to say "I love you" too, and we do that all the time. And we're both IN love. So we're in love, but it's unfair to both of us to express our love physically just because we don't have the title? What I think is unfair to me in that regard is you wont have sex with me, but you don't want me to go anywhere, and what would be unfair to you is if I went out and had did it with someone, all while saying I love you, not that I'd do that to you. And the more i sit here and think about it, the angrier I get. Usually, sex isn't an issue with me (I loved doing it with you, yes, but you were never just "a piece of meat"), but at the core, what I think I'm feeling is you say you love me, yet it feels like you're slowly pulling away from me, little by little. I'm just sorry to myself such a lame ass excuse like sex to snap at, when there are other perfectly good things I could have taken offense to.

I don't get you anymore.

let's write a little

war and peace [05 Mar 2009|10:34am]

Dear this person,

You have every reason to severely dislike. I can understand that, because I know that we are both experiencing a war from two faraway angles. But I sincerely hope that one day, we can sit down and talk like the mature young adults we're supposed to be and come to peace with one another- we would find that we aren't so much different after all. We are very much the same. 


this other person

let's write a little

Bah. [04 Mar 2009|08:34pm]

[ mood | melancholy ]

Dear People-Who-I-Am-Having-Issues-With,

I am a bluntly honest person. I share my opinion with people.

Don't like it? Get over it.

No love,

let's write a little

[03 Mar 2009|08:22pm]

Dear Wastes of Space

What's up with you guys spamming all the communities these days? What? Don't we get enough penis enlarging herbal \/iagra and Xxxxxxxxxanax from Nigerian royalty in our email? What about clicking the link to see me nakedmgdfzx8bfdg? Do people that play games like Name That Tune or write letters to people without actually wanting to send them seem like the best target audience for paid surveys? And is it really that simplezzzzz? I think people are to smart to fall for this shit and horse can be beastiality. If you give someone your paypal, it's directly to your bank, and there goes all your money, and you'll all be like "all your cash are belong to us". I think it's time to get a real job. I know they're hard to come by lately, but almost a million times easier if you stop being deadweight assholes who would only further the cause of humanity as is if you died... and actually tried to gain reputable skills.


PS. Please don't tell anyone about the wang medz.
I had fun writing this. I don't really care if it gets deleted; I just wanted to have fun. And for reference, I never got an AYB joke in my mail, but I said that to my niece when I bankrupted her in monopoly.
2 let's write a little

[20 Feb 2009|09:30am]

[ mood | lonely ]

Dear J,

I am dying without you here. I can't take the heartache much longer. I can't tell you this. I love you too much to hurt you like this but just so you know my soul is slowly dying without you here to enliven it. I miss you so much that when I think of you a sharp blinding pains shoots through my heart. I don't know how much longer I can survive this way.

Please come to me.

I need you.

I need you.


let's write a little

[27 Jan 2009|02:44am]


So, is this how it works? I say something that offends you, and you're free to say whatever you want about it, but if you say something that offends me, and I call you out on it, the world has ended?

No fucking deal

You call me a mooch, and when I bring it up ONLY while we're fighting one time, in order to prove your double standard, but I'm the bad guy there. And by the way, when we had break-ins at my building, 2 things: 1. more has happened to your car at your place than mine, so saying this is a bad neighborhood, and you hate coming here is really pointless and hurtful to me when you actually think about it, and 2. your little comment of "you don't have a car so you wouldn't understand" pissed me off greatly. Do you know how much I would take worrying about a car over \ worrying about you being in a physically and mentally abusive house everyday? God, I'd fucking love not having to worry you'll end up with broken bones or so depressed one day that you take something 'cause everyone's on your case. A car is not easy to replace, but it IS replaceable; you're not. So please don't say I don't know what it's like, because I have something more precious than a car on my mind.

I know the second part is old, and has slim relevance to what happened tonight, but I needed to get it off my chest
let's write a little

[24 Jan 2009|11:55am]

[ mood | numb ]

Dear J,

i honestly wish that it would be possible for us to go back to last time.
but i dont know, i really don't.
yesterday was probably the worse day for me
i was so lost and i felt so alone.
i couldn't feel th love and th warmth that you promised me.
i was so disillusioned.
it was like everything i believed in just didnt really exist.
i read those letters you wrote to me.
i didn't feel sad but i just knew that that phase was pretty much over in both of our lives.
missing you, clinging on to you, feeling insecure.
i ought to put that in the past.
but the thought of not being with you,
really does break my heart
we had so many unfufiled dreams; so many goals we wanted to complete together
i honestly thought we were gonna be together in th future.
i don't know how imma live without you. i really don't.
but im just tired of crying over you, over us.
if things dont miraculously look up,
one thing's fosho.

i want out.


let's write a little

No [12 Jan 2009|05:30am]

No, you didn't handle it maturely.

I'm sorry you think talking through problems is a waste of time.

It's not playing the "I'm hurt" card to tell you that you hurt me. You're just too damn scared to face the fact that you hurt someone and she told you.

I won't wait for your apology.
5 let's write a little

Hi [01 Jan 2009|04:51pm]

I'm Ashley, I'm 17 and i'm femaleee. :)
let's write a little

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