I read sometimes about people who haven't gotten out of this. The ana world, the SI world, the world of knives and scars and tears and numbness.
I've stopped, right? I'm free, I don't need that anymore...
...sometimes I miss it. I read about it and it makes me almost nostalgic, as if I could get something back or some sense of intensity by feeling my own skin part.
No one's ever really free. I harm myself in other ways. Insanity, the co-maintainer moved in with me. When one of us breaks down, it's so easy to recognize the self-destructive patterns and nod with familiarity. I digress. I'm not sure where to.
Have I permanently damaged myself?
so i've been a self-harmer for the past five years now
and i've recently quit
so i've decided i need sort of tribute tattoos
on my inner forearms
something somewhat symbolic and meaningful.
anyone happen to have any ideas on what would be nice?
i would greatly appreciate any input anyone has. =)
my name is sarah. i, myself, have been a cutter for about 7 years or so now. i suffer from depression and have suffered from eating disorders in the past.
that being said, i'll get to my point.
i am a photography major at point park university in pittsburgh, pa. i have a documentary class this semester. i want my big project to be on self-injury and the people behind the scars. my problem is, i need volunteers to be photographed. I am willing to travel, but it depends on how far. my goal is to photograph you in your environment (i.e. place of peacefulness, your school grounds, a place that triggers you, your home - although i completely understand how weird that may sound coming from a stranger on myspace).
if any body can help me out, i would greatly appreciate it.
ps, there are some pictures that i've taken in the blogs on my myspace. if you want to check it out to see that i am legit, they are there. keep in mind, though, that the pictures i plan to take will not be in a "senior portrait" style (like the portraits that are on there), rather a documentarian style. just think photojournalism meets art.
I don't want to hurt, but I need to and it felt better, and it shouldn't have felt better. I've never done that before.
I purposely banged my arm into the wall so I could feel the pain, maybe bruise.
There's nothing I can do to stop that, is there? I can't get all the hard surfaces and walls out of sight and out of mind. I can lie.
I can so lie, can't I?
I don't want this.
Wow, it's been a while since I last posted in here...I was doing so good.
Almost 3 months. And I threw it away. Again.
I'm happy though. I am.
but when it seems when the slightest unhappyness breaks through my little hapy bubble I cut to get away.
I don't know. I'm confused and ugh. With a side of ugh.
for the most part school is stressing me out. My grades are low...for the first time ever. And theres just to much fucking shit going on.
Between moving and being sick, I just keep slipping farther and farther.
I don't want to do this again.
It's Thanksgiving, and I'm letting everyone I care about that I am very thankful for them and their presence in my life.
Please call me Bela.
I've been cutting for 4 years now.
I cut a lot on my legs, my upper arms, and my wrists.
It's getting a problem to hide. People ask questions, people point, people see, whatever.
I want to quit.
I'm sick of being a freak.
I'm sick of being hated my people I thought were my friends.
I'm sick of being stared at with disgusting faces.
I'm sick of being worthless and I'm sick of being abnormal.