First of all, people need to realize that what was aired was only a FRACTION of what actually went on during the show. MTV showed you exactly what they wanted you to see. My character was "shy, sensitive, Christian" and apparently BORING. Of course they're not going to show me cracking a joke, or being silly, or saying funny things. They wanted everyone to think I was "boring." I'm not exactly ecstatic about the way they portrayed me, but I can honestly say I would rather be called "boring" over slutty, or trashy, or fake.
Apparently people think that all I do is sit around all day knitting sweaters for church. Yes I go to church, and yes I love God with my whole being and STRIVE to be the best Christian I can possibly be. .but that doesn't mean that I, as a person, am BORING nor do I not ever leave the house or know how to have fun.
I have a lot of friends now, and I go out all the time and do fun things every weekend. I didn't just photoshop myself into all my pictures on myspace. Out of all the cast members, I'm probably the one with THE MOS T pictures of me and my friends, hanging out and having a good time.
Me and Paris Hilton may be very different on a "spiritual" level, but as far as interests go we have A LOT in common. We both extremely love HIGH FASHION modeling. I have done a lot of modeling myself.. I love photoshoots.. I love make up/fashion/everything that has to do with style. My favorite color is pink. I'm a HUGE girly girl. I'm a huge dog fanatic. I LOVE DOGS..and all animals for that matter. I'm also prissy like her in how I carry myself. I'm actually a LOT like her and know from watching The Simple Life. She is silly, and funny, and she likes to prank call (lol). She does and says a lot of the exact same things I say and do..and we have a lot of the same opinions on things according to interviews I have read about her. I am interested in absolutely everything she does as a businesswoman. I MAJORED in business, and I know a LOT about being in business and am very business savvy. Sure we come from two very different walks of life but I think that totally could have complimented each other. I wanted to show Paris that there were really cool girls out there, like herself, that weren't stuck up snobby fake bitches. I wanted her to see that there were women just like her who could be HAPPY for their friends when something good happens for them, and be genuine, and true, and not just another user or backstabber. THAT is why I wanted to be friends with Paris Hilton.
I feel like from the beginning I was never even given a CHANCE. The moment I got there I was automatically deemed the innocent little virgin who could never be able to handle anything. I'm sorry but me being a virgin actually has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING. It's a personal choice I have made. That's it. I have handled and GONE THROUGH a LOT of things that would blow your mind. I am VERY strong and as a Christian, I know that GOD gives me strength and I am able to do ANYTHING. High school to me was like living in Hollywood on a smaller scale. Everyone had more money than me, there were cliques, I didn't fit in, and I was made fun of every day of my life. There were a LOT of pressures that I had to deal with. It would have been VERY easy to just start acting like a slut so I could date the hot guys and get a boyfriend, and gain acceptance and friends, but I ALWAYS stayed true to myself, even if that meant getting food thrown at me in the lunch room and running back into the bathroom stalls to cry my EYES out and HIDE so people couldn't torture me. I have been in the valley and I have hit rock bottom and those 4 years of high school made me who I am today. A very strong, amazing Christian woman who knows exactly who she is and what she is worth. I am so sick and tired of being underestimated. I can HANDLE anything I put my mind to. I would have never finished college if I listened to all the people telling me I would never do it. You can do anything you want to do in life. God says all things are possible to those who believe, and HE is the one who gives you strength to get through anything He brings you to. So to all the people who say I would get eaten alive in Holly wood.. I'm sorry, but you don't define who I am or WHAT I can do. And why is it that the CHRISTIAN is always deemed as weak? So I would make it in Hollywood if I was a complete fake bitch? That makes no sense. Those are the people who fall, and have to go to rehab, and end up destroying their lives.
Now as far as my first exit video when I was told I was eliminated. I wasn't exactly THAT shocked. I kind of expected it. The night before at the hot tub discussion Paris told me to my face that I was boring. I had already been up for elimination three different times. There was never a new reason..they just kept throwing out the "boring" card and "you'll never make it." It got really annoying, and to me, it just felt like she really wanted me to go, and didn't really have a good reason so she just had to keep throwing that out there. So on the night I got Xed, I was like "Well, she finally just did it. She let me go." I was upset, but I wasn't going to sit there and try to defend myself again. I had already done it over and over, and it was obvious that she did not comprehend it. I also felt bad, because days before, Paris talked about how she went home and cried after eliminations, and I didn't want to be "that girl" who sits there bawling, trying to make her feel sorry for me. It was her decision, and I didn't want to look like a huge idiot, sitting there crying about something that was obviously not meant to be. I was true to her and true to myself the entire time. I didn't say one bad thing about her. I could understand if after being eliminated I had said something rude, but that wasn't the case. What was I supposed to do? That kind of makes me wonder what kind of vain person eliminates someone and then chooses the one who cries the most over her. To me that is shady, and just wrong. And I don't need a friend who needs to TRICk me to see my real feelings. I won every single challenge that had to do with being a FRIEND and a GENUINE person. I was Perez Hilton's favorite, Simon Rex's favorite, and Ryan Seacrest's favorite. But every single time I was overlooked, because I was judged and false assumptions were made about me.
I don't think Paris was looking for a good friend at all. After the show, I wrote her and told her how I really felt, and she said it meant a lot to her. But now Paris doesn't even return my text messages or have ANYTHING to do with me. It kind of hurts when I see her at all these events with the other girls, and I'm not invited..true I don't live in LA, but I'm not even good enough for her to send me a text back. But like I said before, everything happens for a reason.
I have nothing bad to say about Paris. I guess I am just disappointed that she really had no intentions of being my friend. I have lost all respect for certain people who remain unnamed in the cast who felt it was necessary to bash me and MOCK my beliefs to make themselves look better. If that is what Paris wants in a friend, then I'm not exactly sure why she went on a search. You can find that anywhere without having to look for it.
I will not be at the reunion, because I have nothing to say to anyone. The only reason I'm glad I did this is because of all the support and amazing friends I have made OUTSIDE the show who actually appreciate me for who I am. To you guys, I am thankful, and I love you all! I am glad that I was able to inspire so many people.. and I will always be grateful for that.
Right now I am just getting back to life as it was before. Normalcy! I have no idea what the future holds for me. God is great though, so I am sure whatever it is will be amazing. I will keep you guys posted if anything interesting happens ; )
Well, just wanted to clear up MY feelings on everything that went down.. everyone has been emailing and asking me tons of questions.. so I hope you got some answers. TTYL!