November 13th, 2006

a little off topic.

i went to my best friend's mom's wake today.
lizz, she's 17. her mom was 48 and she died today. she had rumitoid (spelling attempt) arthritis and it devowered her body for 17 years.
lizz didnt cry. she barely frowned. its slowly hitting her and i can tell.
she's hiding from it and it made me cry so hard.

the wake had two sessions. we went to taco bell in between. i was disapointed in myself for eating so much...
not that it mattered, when it was time to leave the second session of the wake i finally got myself to go upto the casket and pay my respects, and i broke down. then ran to the bathroom and threw up. not purpously. it just happened. so luckily that food won't effect me. it wasn't going to the casket that got me, me and a few other friends of lizz's were the last ones there aside from her father and sisters. and as i was walking away i saw her sister walk up to the casket and touch her mother's hand and i lost my mind. how do you say goodbye to your mother? how do you handle the fact that you will never see her again? i know they weren't as close to their mother as i am to mine, but i think if my mother died i would too. i feel so guilty and i don't know why. i want to be a guardian angel and i don't even believe in god.