i went to my best friend's mom's wake today.
lizz, she's 17. her mom was 48 and she died today. she had rumitoid (spelling attempt) arthritis and it devowered her body for 17 years.
lizz didnt cry. she barely frowned. its slowly hitting her and i can tell.
she's hiding from it and it made me cry so hard.
the wake had two sessions. we went to taco bell in between. i was disapointed in myself for eating so much...
not that it mattered, when it was time to leave the second session of the wake i finally got myself to go upto the casket and pay my respects, and i broke down. then ran to the bathroom and threw up. not purpously. it just happened. so luckily that food won't effect me. it wasn't going to the casket that got me, me and a few other friends of lizz's were the last ones there aside from her father and sisters. and as i was walking away i saw her sister walk up to the casket and touch her mother's hand and i lost my mind. how do you say goodbye to your mother? how do you handle the fact that you will never see her again? i know they weren't as close to their mother as i am to mine, but i think if my mother died i would too. i feel so guilty and i don't know why. i want to be a guardian angel and i don't even believe in god.
I haven't been here in forever. I just got my internet back, so woopdy-fucking-do. I had a break down Tuesday night and cussed all my friends out and got in a fist fight with my sister and before that I broke up with my boyfriend and then one of his friends slipped some drugs into my drink and I quit my job and I'm fucking up school. Needless to say I haven't been feeling very good. I went to a counselor at school and it was pretty lame. I'm going back anyway. Hoping that if I can control my emotions that I will be able to actually talk to them and get somewhere without crying like a baby the whole time. I hate to admit that I'm fucked up like this over a guy, but that was just one more thing I didn't have to worry about in my life and now everything's come apart. I know I'll get over it. I still talk to him but it's hard because he's already got another girlfriend. Fuck it. Anyway, things will get better. I just have to ride it out.
but i really shouldn't be smoking.
and i KNOW that. like everytime i have one it's like,
"i gotta quit."
and i promised my friend i would, but i'm just pushing the date farther and farther.
it's like...i cut...then to stop cutting i drank...then to stop drinking, i smoked.
someone yell at me.
well my name's michelle. this is my secret journal (derbyluvsdaphne). i made it because i needed to talk about stuff that i felt i couldnt in my normal journal. yeah, so i found this community when i was searching interests.
so what's this community about? just anything you need to talk about or something? because i could really use some friends to talk to right now. i figured maybe i could find some here.
i wouldnt mind some friends. does anyone wanna be my friend?
god, i feel so emo.
It will be interesting to see if u send this back....
What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone you had to say good-bye?
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?
What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.
Send this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk, or how close you are, and send it to the person who sent it to you.
Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.
Remember, everyone needs a friend, someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this e-mail and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and always will.
I'll Always Be There
In times of trouble,
In times of need,
If you are feeling SAD,
You can count on me.
I will give you a wink,
Until you smile,
give you a hug,
And stand by your side.
I'll be there for you till the end,
I'll always and forever, be your friend!
INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS,
YOU MUST SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 FRIENDS,
INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!
this was an email. i decided to put it on lj though.
ok. hi. this is danielle. thanx for promoting me nessa. well, i agree with nessa. this community is pretty dead. well this week has been mostly soccer and babysitting for me. i am hating school. it sucks. and my parents are treating me like crap. in my dad's opinion i definitely need to improve in soccer and lately i have been slacking off and need to step up and really help the team. it sucks but whatever. he is a coach. then my mom is all godly and churchly and anything i do not godly i get reprimanded for. it really bugs me. everything out of her mouth has to do with living for christ and what not. i am not even allowed to go to school dances because they are sooo ungodly and they promote sexual activities. whatever. i have kind of given up on the dances and school sponsored activities. my mother wants me to go to private school but my dad doesn't agree because there are no sports. that's all he thinks about. that's what's been bugging me. and that i need to do something. i have a question. is it normal that if you get stressed out you eat.... a lot. because that's what i do, and i really need to stop. i don't know how though. adn when i get stressed out it's all crap food, like chips , and cookies and whatnot. i am quite mad at myself.
Why did I even do it to myself?
I went and looked at my ex's BP page and it like got to me even though it's old as dirt... We haven't had a decent convo in weeks and I'm really starting to miss him and want to see him b4 he leaves for college. Fuck his gf (even though I kno her and she's never done anything wrong to me)...
*sigh* This is definitely cruel irony... Look how the tables have turned.
Well, atleast it explains why I'm such an ice bitch and why I can't find any deep emotional feelings for the three (not one, fucking three!!!) guys I'm talking to...
Or mayb I just miss cuddling with someone... just being close to a guy and not feel any obligations to do more... The one of two things I look forward to with the coming of the schoolyear: an endless supply of guys to bun up wit... The other is the end of the schoolyear expensive senior crap...
i just don't get this...
i mean, for fun we'd all just hang around and doing nothing was more then enough, just each others company kept us breathing,
and now it's like, they need the cigarettes, they need the weed, and alcohol is an occasional treat.
and i know it's all going to fall apart, and there's nothing i can do to stop this.
and i hate it because he's doing it, and he's so much smarter then that, he's a good person and it's like he's lost his confidence.
i hate it because now i'm the hypocrite.
it's amazing what the summer has done.
Sometimes I really find it depressing to update on LJ anymore.
I used to have so many friends and now all of them have gone by the wayside thanx to the shenanigans of one choice friend (I am very unhappy to say) I got with.
It sux... my friends page has some new and wonderful faces... but still I feel empty.
I'm just tired of the drama. I keep getting e-mails and shit of people threatening or doing crap. I just want them to leave me alone. I'm not your drama confidant anymore k?
Sometimes I do miss them... sometimes I remember what it was like. the group of us, hanging out... just being friends. I miss all there silly posts... I miss them. But we made a solemn oath... not to get involved in each others lives. To just live separate and walk away.
Part of the reason why I moved back home. I couldn't take it anymore.
It's just my friends page seems empty without all of them... ya know?
I am very thank-ful for the people who have added me! Thanx for bringing some spice into this old, worn journal!
I am also looking for new people's to add! I would like to start off with a new beginning and leave behind the life I once new for something better and more reminicent of the old me.
So add me if ya want! I'll try to make me journal more interesting!!!
Hugs to u all!