the first cut is the deepest
it has been awhile since i posted here.. i came back to see if it was still alive..
since i was here last i think i have been on auto-pilot, i have gone through the motions, recently i have missed cutting, i miss the rush and the calm that follows it.. and i have missed the people here, who were understanding and emphatic towards me.. at the moment i don't feel like i belong anywhere, i seem to have acquaintances but not friends that i feel i could confide in, at least no one that i know well enough to load my miserable problems on..
i miss my knife :(
Hello. You might remember from a while back that I posted something similar to what I am going to post now. I stated that I'm writing a book and it's about us, and about you. It's a voice of people with disorders such as Anorexia/Bulimia, Self-Injury, Bi-Polar, Homosexuality, and Gender-Confusion. (Please note: I do not believe Homosexuality nor Gender-Confusion are really "disorders" in the sense that they are bad in any ways. And I state this in my book - and if you have something you wish the world to hear then, please, send me your story:) ). I'm really sorry to everyone who sent me stories, but because of some things going on in my house and in my life I was unable to check my e-mail as often as I liked, and it was deleted. I've tried desperately to recover it, but it's been rather unsucessful. Please, if you would send to me again or for the first time that would be so appreciated.
I'm writing this book in hopes that people will hear our stories and understand these disorders as we do. I hope for them to understand how we view them, and how the world views them.
I'm calling it, "The Voice of Disorders You Thought You Knew: The truth, from the people who live it." Or something along those lines. It's already started, I'm just in need of more voices to add. :)
If you could fill this out in the e-mail that would be great:
Would you like me to use your name (First names will only be used):
(If not) Alias Name:
When did you start (self injury, bulimia), or when did you know/find out or have suspicions (Bi-polar, homosexuality, gender-confusion):
Do you know why you started (Self injurers, anorexics, bulimics):
Do you think there's a reason you're this way (Homosexuals, Bi-polars, Gender-Confused):
Have you seen a physician (therepist, psychiatrist, etc):
Have you been on any medication(if so, what?):
Have you tried to stop/tried to change(Or in other's oppinion, tried to "be normal"):
When did you try:
How long has it/ did it last:
What happened (if you couldn't stop, started again, etc.):
Does anyone know(if so, who?):
Why did you tell them:
Do you have any specific triggers:
Your first time (Self-injurers, anorexics, bulimics):
When you first thought or knew you (Homosexuals, gender-confused, Bi-polar), something like... the time, place, something you did or what happened to make you know or think it:
Anything in particular that you remember, something that stands out like a time you did it that had a bigger impact that normal, an experience that you remember out of every other, etc:
And, in general if you guys would like to tell me about yourselves, about what you do and why you think you do it or why you are how you are then that would be great. Not everything that you fill-out will necesarily be used (Except your name, age and story of course), I just asked a lot for general information, and if you tell me not to use certain things than, of course, I will not. This is to be about us, these are our stories and who we are, you can tell me all you'd like or as little as you'd like. Just add in whatever you'd like in your story.
If you guys have any poetry, artwork, etc. that you'd like to send in I would love it and try to place it in the book as well, either with your story or in a whole different section for art. :)
And if you guys would put at the end of your story or somewhere at the bottum of the e-mail where you got this (website, community, etc.) that'd be great. :)
Sadly, I may not be able to use everything that I'm sent, but if I don't them I will try to make sure you are aware of it.
No one but me will see these e-mails, they are confidential, and nothing that you do not want published will be published, but make sure to tell me what you don't want published, please.
Please copy/paste between the ****** and send it to me at SheWolfKC@hotmail.com . Please put the subject as "Book:(and whether you're writing for Anorexia/Bulimia, Gender-Confusion, Bi-Polar, Homosexuality, Self-Injury, etc.)" If you have any questions you're welcome to comment or send them to me as well, I can't say how quickly I'll reply but I will try to do so as fast as I can.
Thank you all, so much. I know I haven't been online a lot in a while, but things are finally looking up and I'm trying to make things better for myself and others. :)
i'm still cutting on my hips.
everything i care about has been taken away from me.
i feel worthless. i am worthless.
....a note in the morning when you're getting ready for work and it's more or less of a break up note. He tells me "it is not over. But I need my time to be me."
Oh yeah. And I've made ( edited for self harm mentioningCollapse )
At least my boss was kind enough to reschedule me to work tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll make it that far. I took a few beers from his place before I left. It was all I could manage between my two duffel bags and the two dollar store worth bags. I feel like such a dirty little whore, worthless, and dead. I also took some pain meds from his place and I'm trying to wait to use them to sedate me later tonight. But yeah.
Here's more or less what his note told me: We're not over, I like you but I need time. I've been living so long for someone that I need to live for me. Do not get mad, but you've been here for a long time. I like you, don't get mad. Call me we're good friends, right? I will see you so call me, ok.
<-- that's the short version.
But I can't help but get upset. And it's really not at him as much as it is myself. I know
rationally what he's been through, but why did this have to happen to me? He's my first and god. I feel so dumb. You know what? Screw God. Seriously. Send suicides to hell supposedly and you should know their pain. You're the one that fucking let it happen to them in the first place and if we can't change our fate, you're one screwed up mother fucker.
I'll see if I can make it through rest of this week without killing or seriously otherwise hurting myself further. But I doubt it. I really want to grab a Grey Hound ticket and just go, but I only have $275 and some odd change. I just started to work. But I have no where to call home anymore. I'm homeless.
What should I do?
[x-posted, sorry for spamming]
Firstly, I would like to thank you all for the fantastic support you have offered after my last post asking for photographic models. I received messages from people offering support, willing to have their photo taken or those wishing to fill in a questionnaire. I couldn’t have expected a better response and I hope I come across as genuine when I explain how grateful I am. That gratitude is also extended to all the moderators who kindly left my posts up for people to read. Thank you.
Your support on my last project has inspired me to push my creativity further and extend the self-harm project that I began over two years ago.
This time I am hoping other people might be willing to get involved as I am opening the 'requirements' up to include many more heath issues.
Although I have not yet written my Artist statement, I am hoping to make the most of my 4/5-month holiday by getting a head start on next term’s project.
The project I worked on for my first year of my BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University, was surrounding the subject Self Injury/Harm. My initial plan was to put together a book of shots of young men and women who use self-harm. I had always planned to put these, headless, images in a book. However after much deliberation I decided to hand in a miniature version of the images, kept in a box for presentation and to save the book idea for my second year.
I now have another 8 or 9 months to put together a comprehensive collection of images that not only cover the issue of self harm, but also bring in other issues that may trigger self harm or are produced as a secondary to self harm (although I realize this is very different for everyone). I intend to create images that contain men and women, of all ages, colour or sexuality, who have had or who currently are experiencing issues with, self harm, anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS, depression, binge eating, disassociation, sexual abuse/rape survivors, participation in S&M, transgender/ transexuality, scaring from incidence etc. Essentially I am hoping to capture many aspects of mental health with a specific look at how mental health affects you physically and how you feel about your body.
As part of this work, I would like to follow 3 or 4 people through treatment. This could be in-patient or out patient, mental health related treatment or physical health. For ease, it would be great if the participating people lived near Cambridge or around the south of the country, however, I would be willing to travel if needed.
The idea of lots of people modeling once, representing their own lives and stories, means I can share very small insights into a mind set or situations. However, by having the chance to follow 3 or 4 (or more if possible) people through one part of their lives, documenting the details of their stories, I have the opportunity to show people a much deeper look into life with impairments.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI or any other issues that may be raised, yet at the same time offer people who don’t understand a chance to see how it affects people. That is where your help comes in!
I may be able to explain my own relationship with self-harm and mental/physical health, I may even be able to give statistics, but unless many people get to share their stories.. We can’t expect people to just get it.
Just like last time, I am looking for people from anywhere in the UK,
any age (as long as your over 16 with parental consent or over 18), and either sex. I would be willing to help out with travel costs to my home and you would be more than welcome to stay at my house with a friend of yours.
This time the compassion of the images will be slightly different, but you will always have the last word on what you are happy to do.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect, as well as the wonderful people who nominated them selves. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how grateful I am for the models co-operation. All models will need to sign a model release form.
I am telling you all about the book and my hopes for the future as I would like to ask if anyone would want to take part? I want to show all aspects of self-harm and mental health issues, not just scars or tears or meds. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for those around you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I am hoping to get moving as soon as possible, so if you have some free time over the summer and fancy a trip to Cambridge, please e-mail and we can work something out!
Feel free to contact me, Indigo.Clouds.Imagery[@]Gmail[.]com
I just graduated, moved from the state that I have called home for the last 10 years.
I am living with my parents again.
I am 26 years old. I weigh 109 lbs.
The other day my Mom said I look like an anorexic. My sister said the same thing.
This really hurts my feelings. I can't control my weight loss. People never think of that, though, really. They say "Just eat something". It's not that fucking easy. How can you eat something when you are so full you feel like you might pop open or get sick if you force one more mouthful of food down.
I don't want to be mean. I know there are people out there with weight issues. I know there are people out there that would love to be my weight.
But uncontrolled weight loss is just as hard to deal with as uncontrolled weight gain.
Only no one cares that you're dealing with it because all they do is look at you with envy and call you a "skinny bitch".
I want to cut but it's summertime and my mom watches very closely.
Like that's going to stop my this time....
i hope everyone is well..
mother_grim suggested that i link to some music.. i'm not really trying to sell anything just sharing what i have, other people post their stories and poetry but i find that my thoughts tend to work themselves into songs.. so if anyone is interested here is my myspace site (i know it's a bit clique but it is a good site to share music on)
currently i have three songs on there from varying points in time:
'sleep' - this is a song for my friend she was a great person, this is my way of remembering..
'dumb fuck' - basically a late night drunken ramble.. i was feeling pissed off with myself and this song was the result..
'comfort song' - the most recent song that i have 'finished'.. i have played it live a few times so it has evolved from the original that i recorded.. this version is just me in my room.. it's a bit scratchy but i was feeling more inspired than usual..
if you would like to tell me what you think then i would appreciate honesty and also thanks for reading..
and i apologise for the low sound quality of the above, i'm not the best sound technician but i'm trying to improve..
all the best,
Hey, my name is Jo. I am 23 and I live in Cambridge UK
I'm doing a fine arts degree, BA(Hons) Photography, at Anglia Ruskin University. I'm in my first year but I have worked as a photographer previously.
For my major project this year I am studying self harm. Its something I have worked with before and personal experience of.
I hope that the work is tasteful, that it never glorifies SI, yet at the same time offers people who dont understand it a chance to see how it affects people.
I decided that I didnt simply want the photos up on a wall as they were too private. So I am putting together a book. It wont be published, I will only make a handful of copys. It will be A4/5 size and each page will have 2 or 3 images on. Along with that will be a very small amount of text that's either commentory from me, statistics or quotes taken from the small questionair I have asked my models to fill in.
The models I have used so far are my close friends, people who I love and would always want to protect. I would never exploit anyone and I will include text in the book that describes just how greatful I am for the models co-operation.
I am telling you all about the book as I would like to ask if anyone would like to take part? I want to show all aspects of self harm, not just scars or tears. There is so much more to it. The smiles you have to put on for thoes arond you, the depression you feel, the guilt, the eating distress, the arguments with loved ones, I want to try and communicate that too.
I wonder how you might feel about helping me acheve that?
Models will need to be over 16 and have permission from parents if under 18. You will need to live in the UK and be avaliable for a photoshoot as soon as possiable. Models are not paid but I can help with traveling costs, offer you and a friend food/a bed for the night and you will have an opertunity to buy a copy of the book when finished if you would like.
I am needing people as quick as possiable as the project needs to finish in the next 4/5 weeks and some models backed out. That said, if you do offer, you will be under no pressure to do anything you are uncomfortable with. Even if that means you getting here and changing your mind. If you are interested I can show you some images I already have to see what you think. Feel free to pass this on to friends you think may be interested.
I hope this post isnt inapropreate, feel free to remove it. x-posted to other self harm communities.
You can leave messages here or you can e mail me at GumChewingFreak[@]Gmail[.]com
Thank you for reading, have a safe day xx xx
it's been quite a long time since i posted here.. i'm not really sure why.. i guess i've been a bit under the weather and haven't even had the energy to cut..
a few days ago i messed up my left forearm pretty good.. it's the first time i'd cut below the elbow.. it's weird.. maybe i ran out of fresh skin on my shoulder..
it's great that this place is still going, i was worried that it would have vanished.. i've had a few friends told me that they are getting pissed off with me being depressed.. i don't know what to say to them.. i can't help what i am.. maybe i'm just a bad person.. but i don't do it to hurt anyone apart from myself, and it's only superficial..
anyway, i ramble..
hope you are all well
diagnosed : bulimia and manic depressant
current weight: 136lb ( disgusting i know)
goal weight: 123lb ( i know its not the perfect weight but its my current goal)
i take xantax diet pills and d's. i've lost 44.5lbs in total but have got stuck in a rut sonce my boyfriend and i got together and i went on the pill.