so hi inbetween girls!
so glad i have somewhere to post these kinds of entries!
i am kind of sucking at the moment. im not eating properly and i really want to lose weight because i miss the old skinny me. i hate the extra 'padding' i have developed. also, im not getting very hungry at the moment. which doesnt help the eating side of things along. yesterday i ate one bowl of special k, then i broke up with my bf and needless to say i didnt eat anything more (i lose my appetite when im upset). today i have eaten one wholemeal dinner roll, half a fat free yoghurt and three pickles. the pickles were eaten because i love pickles and i wanted some before my brother ate them all, rather than because i was hungry, also they are like 10 cals each so there isnt too much guilt associated with them. the yoghurt was because it was 2pm and i hadn't eaten yet, but i wasnt hungry and i cant get over the mindset that it is wrong and evil and pointless calories to eat when im not hungry. the roll was because i was hungry, and i was pissed i ate it because i ate it after 5pm, at 9pm. i got on the scales this morning and i was 44.5kg, but i got on them this afternoon and i was 45.5kg. i have resolved only to weigh myself in the mornings. lol.
on the weekend i ate hungry jacks; whopper jnr, small fries and medium shake. it was with friends at around 11:30pm. i think i'm still feeling guilty about it. i can't wait until this weekend, then perhaps i will be far away in time enough from the offending meal to stop feeling bad. so fucking stupid that i feel guilty over something that used to be such a wonderful special treat to me. i miss being a kid. so much.
i am not fat i am not fat i am not fat i am not fat ...yes, i am. fuck. i hate the way i look right now. i miss being small.
it's hard to make myself eat when i don't have an appetite, feel miserable, and want to lose weight.
shopping today i made mum buy me crunchola, fat free low-sugar yoghurts, fat free soymilk, splenda, tuna, and lite chicken loaf slices. she obliged because she always does, whatever i want in the trolley i get. luckily my sister only made a few snidey remarks about the soymilk, i don't think she noticed the yoghurts. i think mum prefers to indulge me in special foods and diet products because at least then im eating. but my sister gets snarky and bitchy and calls me 'weird'.
i've been trying to act like things are normal with me to my mum, mentioning how iv been eating all this junk food and pretending to crave junk food i see on tv. but really i couldn't think of anything worse. i have a packet of cheetos and a milkybar in my room, i'm not touching them. i don't want them, im not even tempted.
i should go to bed, im not sleeping eating or drinking right at the moment. i will try to rectify the sleeping and drinking. eating...humph.