a friend of mine said with my appetite its amazing i dont collapse. he never sees me eat, it doesnt bother me. i told him id rather starve to death then live as an average weight or overweight person. he said im nuts. i said probably, but i think its called borderline personality disorder mixed with attention deficit disorder and image distortion disorder that fuels and eating disorder. he said nothing, but nodded his head as if trying to take in the words i just said and trying to think of a way to help, but instead every said was drowned out and its as if nothing was said.
i think we like to avoid real problems, we dont like to face the real issues, no one wants to think their friend is starving to be thin, or that the confident girl is really insecure and freaking out every second, no one wants to think that as sociable as someone might be that they are scared to death of someone accepting them as they are. but thats what i think. no one wants to think that there are people who starve themselves of thier own will, we like to think even when they skip a meal its because they eat more later, but later never comes my love. it never comes and never will
so i guess im restarting today with eating a little less. this past month ive been eating near normal, more than what is acceptable for me, ill have 750-1000calories a day, and then ill work out a little, im not used to it, i feel fat(ter) than usual, this week im fasting, i feel like it, i need to just end this cycle of going on a month long binge of sorts.
today i have had...
70 cals asian pear
120 cals small slice of pizza (it just has tomatoe slices and broccoli, pretty good, self made, i think its less then 120, but about)
60 cals yogurt
110 cals orange juice
so thats about 360cals. not too bad. considering its almost 1pm, and i dont plan on eating anyting else until dinner. yup. so maybe this is slowing draining me, but so be it, its the way i feel and this is helping me deal with how i feel. i sometimes wonder why do i do the things i do. i thinks its in part because im complex to the point no one understands me, i dont want to be understood, i love how people have me figured out better than i have myself figured out, im an artist of sorts and everything is a useable canvas, my body, my walls, my skin, my food, my voice, my face, my fingers, my actions, i am my own living canvas, a walking art piece, still in progress, still in construction, completion date unknown. so maybe i seem a little off today, but its because this past month ive been looking for what i cant find, i feel like a dont belong and im trying to find where i do belong, where i am supposed to be, i know its not here.
this school year is almost over. w00t for that. im actually happy about that. so i havent weighed myself this past month, honestly i have a fear of stepping on the scale, scared it will show me an overexaggerated number thats a sign of this months recklessness. so this week im fasting and then ill weigh myself, see what the scale says then. im too scared to go on it now, i know i have to face the truth, but none of us like to face the truth. we prefer to live in our disillusioned worlds.
i think a few people have figured out i have a problem, but who shall be the first person to step up and take action? no one, exactly. no one ever wants to take the first step, and i guess im a hypocrite. i wont take the first step either. im too wrapped up in myself. maybe im selfish. i hate selfish people. explains why i hate myself at times. im fine with my problem. i know its a problem. but i dont think its as bad as it could be. i still have control over it. i know i do. this month proved i have control, i went on a one month binge. so now im taking responsibility for my actions. i binged for a month and became more unhappy. so i guess this is the problem that makes me happy. just like coffee, its an addiction, i need my coffee, i tried going yesterday without coffee, i swear i was ready to rip anyones head off. so im back to this journal. taking a break from my other one for a while. i just need to get back on track without any friends reading my thoughts. you are my deadliest secret and yet you are most loved. i dont mind people reading this. i just dont need friends reading any of this and thinking they have figured me out now, when in truth, they cant figure me out since i dont have myself figured out.