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56.6kg [19 Apr 2006|09:55am]

Well Im excited but not too excited I have gone down since yesterday!~ but I weighed in the morning. Last night I was 57kg Now this morning I am 56.6kg- yes yes yes I know I have just woke and I will gain from fliud and all during the day... but hey it makes me so happy when I get into my clothes at the start of the day.

My friend has gone back to melbourne and I felt really sad when I saw him off. I hadn't seen him for like almst 2 years and it was like we took up where we left off last chat. Its good to have friends like that.Since I went on to do my second degree (finished that) I lost track of alot of friends as they moved away and we didnt get to catch up alot, But I will be making more of an effort in the future. I want to head over to Melbourne to see my friends again. I have two female and two male friends that live together so catching up will be great. I really want to get round and see all my friends before I move over to my partner in Ireland. Oh I love my man so much. I was so angry with this stupid town I live in- they were saying horrid things (to my face with my friend there) oh yes I knew the long distance thing wouldnt last- cheating are we?? or have you broken up with the Irish man. I was so fuckign angry! I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY MAN! I LOVE MY MAN! My friend was horrified too- although he has never met my partner he knows how much I love my man and he has always been supportive when people have been negative. I was so angry how dare people say that.

Anyways I love my man and nothing anyone else can offer me can change that.

Well I managed to get though yesterday
1/2 toast
1cm square of choco (my friend made me- I hid the rest)
one spud with colslaw, sour cream, bacon and onion- yeah yeah I know fatty fatty bom bom but I had too as mum is being a pain in the arse.

Well I had better run Take Care all
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i cant seem to find what im looking for, i fear the obvious [17 Apr 2006|09:38pm]

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57kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [18 Apr 2006|10:16am]

Well bar easter which I think I didnt do too baly on- I have found I have been suriving on very little food without even realising it!!! I am feeling totally cool- a bit grouch at times but hey my jeans are looking good!!! I am 57kg! yay yay yay! I am hoping to be at 50kg by july when my ballet exams are on!

I have not been able to get online-( even though I have net at home- I only post on here from an online centre- just in case I got found out) because of easter break but I am back now.

How did everyone else go over the easter break??? Chocolate damage for me over the whole four days was
10 small solid eggs
1 small egg hollow
1/2 a bigish egg
and some stray small ones and bits of chocolate.

I was going to let myself go on easter sunday but there wasnt as much food set out as I imagined! what luck!

I have been setting more weight loss goals

30th April- 56kg

16th May- 55kg!

Im being generous But I have to fucking push myself to get rid of this ugly fat!

My clothes are getting a bit big and some I have had to get multiple safety pins on! I am a bit pissed as my clothes I had were very nice- just in bigger sizes. But hey Icansell them on ebay and buy more!

It is so windy here today and I was so happy when a gust nearly knocked me off my feet! It made me feel lighter than I am!

Well people Take Care and keep in touch!
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[12 Apr 2006|03:07am]

I'm new to bulimia but I suppose my problems are shifting. Lately, I've been throwing up at every chance. I don't know why the change. I don't know why any of this. I've been struggling through some ED-NOS or AN for 11 years and NOW I decide throwing everything up is better?

No.. I know I didn't decide any of this. I don't like thinking in the fatalistic terms that seem to say I never chose this but at the same time, I can see turning points. I feel awfula dn guilty and WAY out of control. I'm really scared. I don't know how to undo any of this and throwing up.. well, it feels like such a relief. I know this is wrong and bad and HORRIBLE and god, it is.. i can feel that it is, but at the same time, no one can tell me this isn't comforting. Which is NOT a comforting thought, in itself.

Hate hate hate hate hate. I'm angry and confused and exhausted. And I can't sleep. *sigh* I hate feeling so alone. I HATE feeling THIS LONELY! Somebody please, tell me you hear me and understand this? Because I sure as shit don't.
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[11 Apr 2006|07:18pm]

INTROCollapse )
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[10 Apr 2006|10:25am]

Be Desired
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New scales! new weight 57.6kg- 58.2kg [10 Apr 2006|02:29pm]

Well I am very excited because I have nice new set of scales..... yes I know what your thinking- does this girl have a life??? Well the answer is- Yes! But I love to get new toys and the new set of scales definatly count!!!!

The best news is that I have been weighting in morning and night (and a million other times a day- hey Its a new toy) and I am now
Mornings: 57.6kg
Night: 58.2kg!!!!

So I am happy with that seeing last time I was 59.2kg I think I am losing about three kilos a month.... It might not be a huge amount but Its ok. What do others usually lose a month???

I still have a lonnnnnnnnnnng way to go but I can really feel the changes within myself and I am really feeling more aware of my body and mind. The only thing is I often get lonely- I find it hard when i get so hungry and I cant discuss it. I only post and check my communities when at the online centre. It might be complecated if my family found out what I was doing. I get really weird things at night sometimes too where I get a shoulder pain and a realin ability to even lie still.

I have been very good today.
1 cup of coffee
1 small pepsi max

But I have to have shepards pie and evg for dinner..... hmmmmmm- Ill do my walk and my excercises after dinner- I have heard doing weights and crunches before dinner is a good why to get the metabolism working well and burning fat.... I might try that.

I am also looking for any good books to read. I need some time passers and distractions. Any suggestions?
Ok people Take Care
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[09 Apr 2006|10:07pm]

nothing to say. words inspire emptiness.
i am sick
am i sick?
am sick, i
sick i am
sick am i

i am sick of being fat
i long for the emptiness. i figured since i am fasting this week i would allow myself normal food today. my mum made me eat bosnian food because my aunt was over. ick. so i ended up eating more than normal. maybe 1300cals. maybe. i think. from my estimates. so this week i am fasting. i can never stick to anything unless i post it. it serves as my reminder. if i dont do it i feel like ive not only let myself down but anyone who reads this. its my greatest motivation. when i leave the communities i start to fall back into a my spiral downward. i need these communities. when i eat normally i feel sick. i want to vomit. and sometimes i do. today i allowed myself to eat. when i read that line it sounds stupid. but for some reason it rings of impenetrable truth. its the truest thing on my screen and infront of my eyes. so anyways, this week im fasting. anyone care to join?

if you want to join you can leave a comment today or tomorrow. here is the thing, you dont have to post information every day, you can if you want to, but its not mandatory or really necessary, just stay with the program.

tomorrow i am going to make a post, outlining some of the rules and whatever, and what the expections are and there will be some question that you should answer. or i can repost everything i am posting today.

so its a 1 week fast. starting monday. you dont have to post how your day went, but you can leave comments. on the posts i make the pretain to the fast, if you cant find them in the community youll find them in my journal and leave comments. this monday post what your goal is, what your hope to reach, your plan, your motivation, and place a little blurb of inspiration and motivation. next monday everyone leave a comment on how your fast went, what you reached, how it was, how you felt, did you reach your goal, and what your weight that day is. every day ill make a post for the fast that will include some tips, motivation, thinspo, inspirational quotes, fun facts, something fun, a fun activity to do such as buy yourself a rose or finger paint a smiley face, or something like that. just because its a fast doesnt mean it cant be fun, and i want to make this fun, so on my posts leave your comments and what you think of it. comment on the motivation, leave your own motivation or thinspo or anthing that might go along with the fast post.

if this goes well, i dont know, i might make a community of it, still supporting the other communities, itll be like an extension, for group fasts and fun stuff to do while on a fast and ways to not think about eating. tell me what you think about the idea of a community, and make sure to sign onto the fast, if you dont join by monday then, sorry but you wont be really part of this week, though you can join along and participate at any point, but try to go on the extra days.

if it goes well then i might create a community for everyone to join and participate have some fun being anorexic and not eating. have some place for tips and motivation. with fun daily activities and everything and maybe some contests or something like that. tell me what you think of the community idea, and if you like it give some ideas and suggestions for the community.
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[09 Apr 2006|12:24pm]

so its been a month since i have updated. yar. the past month has been brutal. ill spare you the details. lets just say it hasnt been weight friendly. though i have started running 40 minutes a day and pilates. woohoo. so that should help

a friend of mine said with my appetite its amazing i dont collapse. he never sees me eat, it doesnt bother me. i told him id rather starve to death then live as an average weight or overweight person. he said im nuts. i said probably, but i think its called borderline personality disorder mixed with attention deficit disorder and image distortion disorder that fuels and eating disorder. he said nothing, but nodded his head as if trying to take in the words i just said and trying to think of a way to help, but instead every said was drowned out and its as if nothing was said.

i think we like to avoid real problems, we dont like to face the real issues, no one wants to think their friend is starving to be thin, or that the confident girl is really insecure and freaking out every second, no one wants to think that as sociable as someone might be that they are scared to death of someone accepting them as they are. but thats what i think. no one wants to think that there are people who starve themselves of thier own will, we like to think even when they skip a meal its because they eat more later, but later never comes my love. it never comes and never will

so i guess im restarting today with eating a little less. this past month ive been eating near normal, more than what is acceptable for me, ill have 750-1000calories a day, and then ill work out a little, im not used to it, i feel fat(ter) than usual, this week im fasting, i feel like it, i need to just end this cycle of going on a month long binge of sorts.

today i have had...
70 cals asian pear
120 cals small slice of pizza (it just has tomatoe slices and broccoli, pretty good, self made, i think its less then 120, but about)
60 cals yogurt
110 cals orange juice

so thats about 360cals. not too bad. considering its almost 1pm, and i dont plan on eating anyting else until dinner. yup. so maybe this is slowing draining me, but so be it, its the way i feel and this is helping me deal with how i feel. i sometimes wonder why do i do the things i do. i thinks its in part because im complex to the point no one understands me, i dont want to be understood, i love how people have me figured out better than i have myself figured out, im an artist of sorts and everything is a useable canvas, my body, my walls, my skin, my food, my voice, my face, my fingers, my actions, i am my own living canvas, a walking art piece, still in progress, still in construction, completion date unknown. so maybe i seem a little off today, but its because this past month ive been looking for what i cant find, i feel like a dont belong and im trying to find where i do belong, where i am supposed to be, i know its not here.

this school year is almost over. w00t for that. im actually happy about that. so i havent weighed myself this past month, honestly i have a fear of stepping on the scale, scared it will show me an overexaggerated number thats a sign of this months recklessness. so this week im fasting and then ill weigh myself, see what the scale says then. im too scared to go on it now, i know i have to face the truth, but none of us like to face the truth. we prefer to live in our disillusioned worlds.

i think a few people have figured out i have a problem, but who shall be the first person to step up and take action? no one, exactly. no one ever wants to take the first step, and i guess im a hypocrite. i wont take the first step either. im too wrapped up in myself. maybe im selfish. i hate selfish people. explains why i hate myself at times. im fine with my problem. i know its a problem. but i dont think its as bad as it could be. i still have control over it. i know i do. this month proved i have control, i went on a one month binge. so now im taking responsibility for my actions. i binged for a month and became more unhappy. so i guess this is the problem that makes me happy. just like coffee, its an addiction, i need my coffee, i tried going yesterday without coffee, i swear i was ready to rip anyones head off. so im back to this journal. taking a break from my other one for a while. i just need to get back on track without any friends reading my thoughts. you are my deadliest secret and yet you are most loved. i dont mind people reading this. i just dont need friends reading any of this and thinking they have figured me out now, when in truth, they cant figure me out since i dont have myself figured out.
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Into Post [07 Apr 2006|12:04am]

[ mood | anxious ]

NAME: Alyssa
AGE: 17
LOCATION: United States
ED: Mostly Ana-starting
HEIGHT: 5 foot 7 inches
CURRENT WEIGHT: 158-lost two pounds!
BMI: 24.8-almost overweight!
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOU: well, i'm really artsty and creative. i like music, books, movies the whole deal. I'm jsut really looking for support. I really feel all alone and like no one understands my need to be skinny and stay that way. um wow, i don't really know what to say. i guess if you want to know more about me AIM at jwismysunnyday. jsut tell me you're from here.
IMAGES IF YOU HAVE ANY: I don't have any.

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All who wanted to join a diet challenge I have created a community. I have to say I am totally computer stupid so It is very bare- but hey we dont need anything but a competitive stage so get down to:


See ya there- hey and dont be worried Im the fattest of the lot of ya. so get into it! :)
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59.2kg [04 Apr 2006|10:44am]

Well I am not too worried about my weight today. I was 59.8kg last week so I am now 59.4kg and I only really write my weekly weight in on thursday. I do weight everyday but more as a thing to make sure I am not gaining. I only have normal scales at home but I always go to a shop with collaberated scales so I can get a "true" reading.

I have still not pooed for 2 days. And even when I did they were like one tiny nugget! I know gross.... grossssssssssssss. But I will try and get some vitamins. Mum is starting to be a pain about my eating again so I started to eat a piece of toast and then when she went to the shops threw the other half to the dog. I love skinny lattes. How bad are they????? I THINK THEY ARE 50CALS but I am not sure.

I am looking to have a small group to have a weight loss challenege/competition with because I am worried that my weight loss is slowing down- I knwo that competition is the best form of motivation for me. Thats how I got to my lowest weight (32kg) last time. So if you are interested please get in touch.We can make a group.

It is so cold here at the moment! I am having trouble typing! Thanks to all who sent advise on the pooing issue. Much appreciated.

I am teaching this afternoon, and Im really not excited about it. Im not in to grade 4. I find them a really annoying grade... but I might think differently after.

I am a bit sad as my favorite skirt is far too big now. I hold it up with pins but it really runis the fall of the skirt. Damn. Does anyone else find this?

Yesterday I ate:
*skinny latte in a cup
*a small plate of lettuce, half a small tomato, some onion, half an egg white,and one small thin sliced ham.
*1 weight watchers pumpkin soup
* a bowl of pumpkin, potato and parsnip
So far I have had 1/2 a peice of toast today.
Soon to add a latte too that a skinny- but maybe a large......:(
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Will I lose or gain.... [03 Apr 2006|02:35pm]

Well I am really not sure what will happen when I weight in tomorrow. I am going to be weighing in on the callaberated scale which is a definate dead certain reading of my weight. I am very scared because Saturday was a huge day of eating and for me you know I am no longer a purger so The prospect of weigh in is quite terrifying this week.

I have also been eating alot- 450-600 cals a day! I am really finding it hard to stay awake and I was getting so grumpy and angry so I gave in and had a small plate of salad instead of just having my vegies for dinner. I managed to lose 3 kilos last month and I am so happy. But I am no way near what I should weigh for my heigh and I have such a long long way to go. I have swore and declared to myself that when I get there this time there will be nothing that willl make me this fat ever again! I will not be swayed by what others say. The only time I will allow myself to gain weigh it when I am pregnant and I will not eat junk then anyways. (having kids is five years away anyway)

Has anyone seen the really cute pic of Nicole richie in the ballet outfit. It is so cute! Great thinspiration- especially for dancers.

Again- not to gross anyone out- but I still cant poo- if any I have been eatting JOLS-(lollies that give you the poos from the fake sugar) But even then hardly anything. Because of my past history we have a NO LAXATIVE rule in our house- and for my own wellbeing I have made a concious effort to stick to that- bar the Jols no and then. BuT I am getting desperate for a poo. (gross I know). Please dont tell me dried fruit- it CALORIE RIDDEN!!! I refuse to eat it. So is there any other ideas out there? I would love to know.
Take Care
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INTRO [31 Mar 2006|03:00pm]

ED:in between- was fully bulimic (doctor diagnosed) but now switiching to starving and restriction
I was bulimic for a longggggggggg time- when I was found out and hospitalised ect the whole of the small town I live in thought it was their GOD GIVEN FUCKING right to treat me like a freak- so in a desperate bid to get them off my back and stop hounding me I ate and ate and ate- to be like ever other fat fucker in this town.... Now I have been restricting, and fasting for 5 months. In a desperate bid to get down to 30kg- 2kg less than my lowest weight

Read journal for more about me.
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[19 Mar 2006|11:51am]

1 pear
1 apple
a bite of a snackajack.
one bun (160 cals)
the rest of the day is black coffe and cigerrets.
im finding it so hard to kick back into a fast.
i find myself restricting.
i hate this...
any suggestions??
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[02 Jan 1970|10:35pm]
[ mood | excited ]

INTROCollapse )

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[13 Mar 2006|04:06pm]

gar...out of all days...how could it happen?

so i woke up today, showered, had coffee, and did what i usually do, i jumped on the scale, and woohoo 128lbs!!!sweet...which means i now meet all the criteria of an anorexic...well as soon as i went under 132lbs i met all the criteria (yeah, you should be at most 85% of your healthy/ideal weight, which at 5'11 is 155lbs)...and then i went to the bathroom, and guess who started menstrating today! ME!!! wtf? i havnt had my period in like 2 years, and now i get it? wtf? when my weight started going down even more? wtf? has that happened to anyone else, like where you just get it out of nowhere when you havnt had it in like a long time? so i had wicked cravings, had like 700cals today...gar...i actually had a bagel, and a brownie...and thats most of it...and some juice...so like 700cals...w00t...im contemplating getting aim...what does everyone else think? msn is so boring, is aim any better?
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[09 Mar 2006|10:14am]


If anyone has the time and likes filling out ed-related surveys, I've got one here. It's for a friend of my older sis, who is doing a report about eating disorders as part of her grad school thesis project. You don't have to supply a name and it can be done anonymously.

x-posted, sorry

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[06 Mar 2006|05:14pm]

INTROCollapse )
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[06 Mar 2006|07:24pm]

gar...today sucked...i ended up eating/drinking 500calories...mostly in fruit and juice...had like 300cals in just fruit an juice...and then i had 3 chips (33cals), 1 cube of layered cake (45cals), a small cube of tofu (50cals), gummi bears (70cals)...these are approximates after measuring and comparing to packaged serving and overall quantity...gah...i also had some soup...but its this 30cal soup...so fine, 530cals for today...i love that soup...so filling, but so little cals...had a somewhat bad day...i spent the whole day panicing because i was worried about a history test i had a while ago...i thought i got a 50 or 60...why?...because i fell asleep during the test, and i even wrote the word sleep for name!!!wtf???how could i not fail...turns out i got an 84...how did i find out? i mean i ripped up my test, and threw it out...but my teacher decided to tell me infront of the whole class, turns out i got the second highest mark, the highest was 86...so i guess i paniced for no reason...i stepped on the scale like 5 minutes ago...and it red out a horrific number...135!!!wtf? 135???but then again i did just have an apple, an asian pear, and i had a cup of green tea...so i can see where it would come from...so i realized...as great as fruit is for you, i must cut it out, i really should...ill have like 500calories alone on some days all in fruit, i should still make sure to take in vitamins, but i can take them in through juice...so i guess it sounds stupid, but no more fruit...just clear juices...w00t...anyways, im still in conflict with the stupid person who decided that they would take it upon themself to discuss my personal life with one of their friends who i absolutely hate...sounds complicated...its not that complicated...so i had a presentation in religion, i love and hate presentations, because im always so good at them and i do a fantastic job, but ill spend like all the time before that freaking out and worrying that i will mess up, and then i wont...gar...so i end up psyching myself about it when i know it wont suck...anyways...yesterday i completely binged...like majorly...luckily i didnt gain 5832709324867329lbs...luckily...that would be crazy though...i was expecting to gain at least like 5lbs from this weekend, but nope, none...its like my body realized i f-d up and decided to spare me this time...so yea...um, tomorrow starting an official fast, and i know i say that every few days, but hey, this time im sticking to, but this time its more of a mind and body fast...i just need to get rid of all the negative karma around me, and just try to realign myself...and it sounds silly, but everytime i want to go on a fast i have to post it because that way its like this constant reminder whenever i go online, and it keeps me motivated, and ive started enjoying not eating around people, you get to observe others, and its kind of gorss...well anyways...going on a fast starting officially tomorrow...today was the last juicer...i guess...but tomorrow shall be the official day...anyways

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