Just submitted this to my creative writing class, but any additional feedback from you guys would be awesome. I haven't written a short story in some time, so I hope you guys like this one. Thanks!

__________

She’d been watching him for 23 years. When his parents were young and in love, they moved into Sarah’s house to start a family and build a dream. She’d watched Jacob O’Connor grow from a small bump under his mother’s dress to the young man he was now. And now, Sarah watched as he sighed over his typewriter, trying to finish an essay for an English essay. He had been gone for nearly a month at the hospital after a car accident, and she was overwhelmed with happiness that he was back. Reading over his shoulder, she smiled as she whispered corrections and suggestions in his ear. He would pause his typing after a few of her whispers as if he could hear her, and write in a notebook he’d been keeping with him at all times since his return. Her breathe would catch and she would wait a beat to see if it was her he actually heard or if it was a mere coincidence that a thought came to him at the same time. Sarah had been waiting for him to hear her for a long time, and she knew deep down that she waited in vain. Jacob would never hear Sarah say his name or her whispered songs she sang as he slept, because Sarah was dead.

Cont. HERE.

I am working on a story the working title is  Realm Trinity, I am not sure if I will keep it. Take a look  if you like, it has vampires but it isn't the usual vampire story. It has a bit more science to it I think. http://jeanpalmer.livejournal.com/582.html 
It is one of my favorite stories I'm working on

Okay, here's a fragment that I've been working on for a bit, and I don't want to get too much further without getting some feedback on one particular section I'm not sure about. I'll put the question at the end of the excerpt under the cut.

Please make sure to point out sentences you think are particularly awkwardly phrased. It's a big weakness of mine.

Title: "Child of the Forest" - Working title. It's a bit too Marillier at this point.

Gentre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

( Read more... )

Thanks, everyone!

I just wanted to thank those who took the time to read and comment. I've taken serious consideration in your inputs, and I'm eventually going to go back and do some serious editing (on piece 1 & 2). So thankyou ^_^.

( Piece 1 )

( Piece 2 )

Here's the new Piece 3:

Though I abided in constant splendor, my room was located far back within the temple. Behind the ten purple, blue and scarlet curtains, my room sat dimly lit and bare. A place unseen and invisible to the ignorant. My glass house. What was once beautiful can no longer be described as warm and alluring, but cold and deceitful. Which would remain even more so once the fiends invaded.

( Read more )

( Piece 1 )

Part 2 of my saga^^. I encourage readers to edit, critique, give advice or just comment (anything to help me improve).

The dawn came when the clouds crept up and fogged my gleaming skies. My mother placed me on the cracked wooden table where she changed me regularly. As she folded my unmentionables, she noted the lack of a fresh rag. She hurried to the neighboring room in pursuit of one. When she returned, I was lying on the dirt floor. A giggling infant, without injury or adjustment in position. I was cradled happily in the worn shawl which I was previously fastened. Her porcelain face lightened into a tone of invisible white, a white which was rather unflattering and startling. She began to tremor briskly. Her supple hands masked her moist face, and she released a grisly shriek.


( Read More... )

I was inspired by a dream I had to write this short. I'm still not finished but I'll be posting piece by piece asking for suggestions, editing, comments and critiquing. Please critique me! I'm looking for advice. Also-how do you add a link to another post within the same journal? For example, if I were posting a later episode of this piece but people wanted to read the beginning and previous episodes, how would I add a link to those entries?

Without further ado, Men of Renown:


The kingdom was tainted in angelic blood. Once divine devotees of His glorious Lord, now the fallen and eternally forsook. The rebels descended from paradise to procreate with the mortal beauties. Perverting the human race and building occultist ties.

( Read more )

Hello All,

This is half of the prologue from my novel hopeful, Zenith: Sons of the Morning.  I've been working on this for a while now, and I can tell my progress from reading some sections of this that I wrote earlier.  Any commentary would be appreciated.  Thank you.

Prologue

Moonshadows                     

            The servant bowed as Altyr opened the door, but Altyr only waited for the man's head to clear before firmly shutting it again. The servant hesitated behind the door for a moment, and then shuffled away down the hall.  Tall bronze pole lamps stood about the room, but only the one nearest the door was still burning.  Altyr had beat his servants to the room tonight He had always felt awkward about some other man pulling his trousers on.  Since he hadn't been bred into it, it was such a waste of time.  Enough of his time had already been wasted tonight. 

 

—–

(This story's kinda weird for me. I was writing it for someone who passed away before I finished it. I didn't think I'd ever show it to anyone else. Be gentle.)

( The Tunnel of Love )

Here's a take on charity. It is again a scene from a book, so not all is explained. 

Thanks for the tips and crits!

This is the Friday prompt in 1 hour and like a couple minutes (sorry). It's a scene from a book that may almost stand on its own.

( Saturday at the beach )

Thanks for tips and crits!

Here is the 15th story in a science fiction adventure series I've been writing called Space Vixen. Please let me know if you have any feedback. Although this is part of a series, I tried to write it in such a way that it will stand on its own, but please let me know if any parts don't make sense. Also, I have all of my stories marked as friends-only, so if you would like to continue reading the full story (or any others in the series) you'll need to add chronicle to your friends list, and I will add you back as soon as possible.

Confessions Of A Teenage Andromeda Queen

Captain Ulysses M. Bemis, commanding officer of the ISS Vagabond -- a Class Xi Monarch III Limited Edition spacefaring warship commissioned by the Intergalactic Stellar Federation to its most elite officers, in an ongoing mission to patrol uncharted regions of the Andromeda galaxy for the imminent threat of terrorism -- had to pee.
( Read more... )

Hola!  I recently wrote a story for a friend of mine.  It stars a character she came up with, though you don't really have to know anything about the character to understand the story.  If anything gets in the way of your understanding, it'll be my wanky prose.

I'm basically looking for comments and constructive criticism.  Something about my writing feels to gritty here, and I'm trying to determine what it is.

Let me know what you think.

Oh, and it's so totally untitled.

Hey, everyone. The third chapter of Chronicles of Magic: Daughter of the Mystics is FINISHED! So here it is. If you haven't already read the previous chapters, you could read them here, at my Fictionpress account or here at the LJ that's dedicated to this story. A note about mysticmoonblade: The posts with all drafts/ideas/announcements are friendslocked, so please leave a comment to the most recent public entry, tell me what community you're from, and I'll add you so you can read them.

I came up with eight short questions that I'd like my reviewers to answer, so please do so, and enjoy the chapter. ^_^

( The questions )

( Chapter 3: Birthday Celebration; A Fathers Gift )

So there it is. What do you think? I don't want grammar/spelling stuff pointed out until the second draft. Please keep this in mind when reading it, and I promise that when I start working on the second draft, you can point that stuff out. ^_^

Name: WereGus
Age: 16
Writing Experience: a few short stories here and there
Preferred Genres: sci-fi and fantasy
Education: going into my junior year in high school
Country: U.S.
What do you hope to get from this community? exposure and interesting stories to read
Where did you hear of us? Gracey told me

( The Lore of Naramouria, Episode I: A Chance Encounter (caution: contents rated NC-17 due to violence, adult language, and alcohol use) )

Since both jameofminkinia and cabaiste84 both helped me find the voice and tone for my little love scene, I figured I'd share it.

Here's some background, just fyi:
Genre: Sci-Fi Setting: They just got married because she wanted to make love before they went to war, she's afraid she won't survive. (which he commented earlier about it being a cliche) He - Immortal with wings. She - bastard child of the king who just returned back to her planet to help save her people. "Markings" are tied to her emotions and change color, sorta like a mood ring.

Feel free to be honest, this is really just the first draft, after about four attempts to make it sexy, romatic, fun and...natural.

( Read more... )

Alrighty, guys. I FINALLY finished chapter two! So, I'm posting it. I came up with some questions that'll -really- help me out when I go to write the second draft, so if you could fill them out (either in a comment, or if you want to beta read/critique it/whatever, you could email them to me at AWritersFantasy@livejournal.com) it would be a HUGE help to me. They might seem repetetive, and I don't NEED three examples, but it'd help. The chapter is long (twenty pages JUST for this chapter, 31 in all so far), so if you'd rather email me, that'd be fine.

(  The questions )

Note: I am not looking for grammar/spelling stuff to be pointed out. That's the stuff I plan to do when I write the second draft. I just want overall opinions on the story, which is why I came up with the questions. Please bear with me with this because I think that if I wait on the grammar/spelling stuff I wont feel like I can't finish the story.

( Chapter Two: New Beginnings )

Alright, there it is. I hope you liked it. Please, either comment with the answers to these questions/the rest of your critiques, or email me.

Cross posted.

( Chronicles of Magic: Daughter of the Mystics, chapter one. )

Okay, there it is. Lemme know what you think!