twerpology ([info]twerpology) wrote in [info]write_away,
@ 2008-05-08 15:18:00
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Entry tags:type: poetry, user: twerpology

I am 99% sure that I posted an intro here but when I went to go look at the tag list (to verify I had the proper critque to ratio in order to post something new) I couldn't find username. At any rate I'm posting something for critque now and am 99% sure I have the proper ratio for that, too. I just figured I would let the mods know I haven't been tagged in the interest of community organization. I could always find my post and tag it myself in order to make things easier, if that is easier.  : )

At any rate here's a poem for you all to comment on. Please be as honest as possible. 

Atmosphere

Sometimes,
during the depths of the week,
my need for you 
changes the atmosphere.

The air drops below Absolute Zero,
quite suddenly subjecting my lungs
to hypothermia.

It is like sucking ice through a straw
and not getting enough water. 

My lungs struggle 
with a gasp and a shiver.

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[info]somerled
2008-05-09 12:35 am UTC (link)
After your comment on my last post, as far as I am concerned, you can do no wrong! I'll look for your intro post and tag it.

Question: how important is "Absolute Zero" to you in this poem?

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[info]twerpology
2008-05-09 01:15 am UTC (link)
: ) Aw, thanks!

Not very, I guess. I just need something to convey an extreme cold, so I figured Absolute Zero would work. What would work better?

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[info]somerled
2008-05-09 01:29 am UTC (link)
I think leaving it blank works better:


the temperature drops
subjecting my lungs to hypothermia
like sucking ice through a straw


Less is more! Actually, I think these three lines contain all the imagery of the last three stanzas. I'd focus on them in your revisions.

For a last line, I think you should keep imagining. This idea that the need changes the atmosphere and then it is the atmosphere the speaker copes with, is interesting. I think you might be able to reveal something new about that need in a last line for the poem. I think that would be such a powerful way to close up the piece.

I think the first stanza does a good job as is.

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[info]leevardi
2008-05-09 01:46 am UTC (link)
God, I love the third stanza - wonderful imagery, I can totally feel this. Short and sweet.

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[info]twerpology
2008-05-09 04:50 pm UTC (link)
Thank you! : )

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[info]beethovenette87
2008-05-10 10:25 pm UTC (link)
I like it a lot! Your ideas are so original!

somerled's done a great job talking about the first stanza, so I will talk about the final one:

My lungs struggle
with a gasp and a shiver.

If you could say this with more showing and less telling, the reader may be actually able to feel the shiver, so to speak. Show-not-tell is the hardest thing I've ever learned when it comes to writing, and I probably have not mastered the concept yet.

The line "my lungs struggle" seems to me to be quite 'telling' (I may be wrong) as we cannot see your lungs, it seems like you are telling us what is going on inside your body.

Maybe it would be easier to 'show' by focusing on the external rather than internal.

Okay, so what do you do when you are cold? I'll show you an example of what I mean...sorry if it is bad.

mittened fingers
raise a cup
of warm coffee
to lips that
gasp for air

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