cloudwrapdcity ([info]cloudwrapdcity) wrote in [info]write_away,
@ 2007-11-14 18:06:00
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Entry tags:type: poetry, user: cloudwrapdcity

I haven't written in months and after locking myself out and hours spent in the poetry section of the bookstore, I finally got it out. It felt so good. Like all these pent up energy just suddenly released. This is a really, really rough draft, so feel free to be tough.


I wanted to
trace my finger: through
your stubbles for the rough
back that carried me
as a child;
through the Buddhist chants
for that secret
key to crack open
your belly,
so you can vaporize

to the sky, where I looked
and looked and looked
for you

on the plane home, only
to find you a week later, in the eyes
of my baby niece.

Grandpa, her name is Alex


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[info]somerled
2007-11-15 04:29 am UTC (link)
The transition from S1 to S2 is really rough. I think the tenuous connection between opening the belly and vaporizing, and then the oddball "to the sky" are at fault. The transition from S2 to S3 is fantastic.

I don't think the colon in line 2, S1 works well.

Consider omitting the first "and" in line 2, S2.

The comma in line 2, S3 is unnecessary.

The whole line "as a child;" is unnecessary.

Using past tense "wanted" suggests a time context, that the poem is a memory, but this specificity is never manifested, which makes me wonder if you should convert it into present tense.

The poem could use a title.

I like the poem.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-15 05:41 am UTC (link)
I think the connection is only vague because I didn't make it too clear that this poem is about his death. Or is it plenty obvious, but the imagery is just too intangible?

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[info]somerled
2007-11-15 05:46 am UTC (link)
It's quite obvious he's dead, yes. The "vaporize / to the sky" is a strange construction, the use of "to" particularly. One strong point to the poem is the imagery is generally tangible. I think to my reading anyway, the disjoint transition is because the logic of the image sequence is disjoint. But don't worry about being clear he's dead, it's totally clear already.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-15 06:28 am UTC (link)
I think the imagery I had in mind was his soul vaporizing through the hole to the sky. Maybe "escape" would have been better, but it doesn't seem to capture the gaseous feel and it's so... boring.

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[info]nebanebet
2007-11-18 06:56 am UTC (link)
"Evaporate" might not be the best word, but..what about some work-around using "vapor" or "vaporous"? Those sound better (and less chemical) than "vaporize."

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-15 05:59 pm UTC (link)
thank you so much for giving such a specific critique!

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[info]auraesque
2007-11-15 03:34 pm UTC (link)
I love this. It made me tear up and think of my own grandfather. The piece invokes such a fantastic image. :)

That said, I don't care for the opening line. It's not particularly strong. I like how the Buddhist line is followed only moments later by "key to crack open / your belly,". It equates Grandpa with Buddha. I don't know if that was your intent, but it makes a really wonderful image that I would guess most readers can associate.

I don't like vaporize. I like the image, but it reads clumsy. Maybe there is another word? Bubble? Burst?

I would pull out "Grandpa" from the final line and use it in the tital somehow. I think "Her name is Alex" is stronger, but, hmm...not sure if I like that either.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-15 05:53 pm UTC (link)
Is "climb" a better word choice?

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-15 05:59 pm UTC (link)
thank you so much! :]

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[info]story_hunter
2007-11-15 07:44 pm UTC (link)
It brought a lump to my throat as well (thinking of my Grandad).

I love the ending - to find you a week later, in the eyes of my baby niece is a very powerful and emotional image.

Not so sure about the beginning (as others have said). The line through your stubbles for the rough back that carried me doesn't make much sense to me - I'm not sure exactly what image you're trying to get across here.

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[info]cloudwrapdcity
2007-11-16 11:05 pm UTC (link)
thanks!

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[info]utalkin2me
2007-11-16 11:54 pm UTC (link)
It reminded me of my grandfather too. I wrote a poem and dedicated it to him. This made me tear up a lot. I really liked it.

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[info]word_of_moth
2007-11-18 12:50 am UTC (link)
The connection you make between the rough stubble of his face and his back gave me a creepy image. I LOVE the secret key to crack open his belly, love love love this image, but I'm not a fan of the line breaks (in general, but particularly in this section). I like the connection between your grandfather and your newborn niece, but I would like to see something more original connecting them than the eyes; after that strong image with the key, the ending image needs more for me.

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