Kwee the Elusive
Dear Kwee,

I have been wasting hours in hopes of you gracing my bags with your presence.  This is not to say that your Valentine's Day minions have not been kind to me - I now have many picnic baskets (although I wish you would let me use multiple baskets at the same time, so I could create a forest of umbrellas), and this morning I just got my third black dress.  My male rogue looks quite lovely in it, thank you for asking.

But Kwee, you tiny uglified ball of floating goblinishness, why do you elude me so?  All I want is the ability to poke your belly in front of my mates so that you are forced to tell them that time is money, friend.  I promise I'll buy you a Heavy Quiver so that your pointy little arrows can speed even more quickly into the squishy flesh of those around us.  I'll take you to Winterspring so that you can you can visit your girlfriend, Umi Rumplesnicker.  I hear she's been missing your witty truisms.

What's that?  No.  No, I will not let you wear one of my black dresses.  I don't care if you've got what I need, I can tell you right now that what I need is definitely not the sight of my lovely black dress dragging in the Orgrimmar dust while your spindly little legs peddle aimlessly underneath.  (See what I did there with the peddling?  I can make these puns all day, if you like 'em.)  But I will let you sit under my umbrella whenever your flappers need a rest.  Just please don't demonstrate your ability to chug an entire Thunderbrew Ale in one gulp.  I don't appreciate it when you get drunk and start shooting your arrows into other people's vanity pets.  Unless you can get Mr. Wiggles and a hawk owl to cross-breed and produce a flying piglet?  In that case, you may have all the ale you can keep down.

Please.  Look at my bleary eyes, my weary clicking-finger, and then come snuggle up against me and tell me I'm an amateur.  Because with a levitating goblin putti by my side, I won't need to kill the bog lords for their tendrils anymore.  I can just make them fall in love with me, and those bog lords will start handing over tendrils of their own free will.

Love & kisses,
Tigralon

P.S.  No, that loincloth is NOT optional.  Kwee!!  Put that back on!!