Remember when I said I was only going to post something when I really had something to write about?
Yeah, I haven't really done that.
Sorry.

X_x

So tired. So tired.

Edit at 4:00am: Finally finish Zero no Tsukaima Season 2, and start Season 3 [they're on Ep 3 already!]

PS: Poor Saito. Fucker never catches a break.

Might as well stay up till 4:30am and wait for Code Geass R2 Turn 16.

Enter -You Know What- Here. =P

Home, to Paul and the kids, to tell them I will always love them and I'll contact them once I'm on the other side.

Some recipes I want to try:
Coconut-Cornflake Cookies - flourless cookies. While not overly sweet, these look like they could be really good.
Congo Bars - I wouldn't use walnuts in them (I don't care for walnuts); slivered almonds might be just the thing. Mmmm.
Magic Cookie Bars - of course. These are like crack.
Sour Cream Banana Cake - not a cookie, but it looks amazing nontheless.
Cardamom Granola Bars - exotic. Might be good. I love cardamom anyway.

As you can tell, I've been browing AllRecipes lately. I need to get Kavala's recipe for Better Than Sex Cake, my mom's recipe for her apple cake, and several thousand of my dad's recipes. Really, I should just start compiling a book of them so I can keep/distribute them. I think I'm going to make the coconut-cornflake cookies, lemon bars, and some form of cupcake for the picnic on the 10th; macaroons are always easy, as well. Or peanut butter cookies.

I also got a recipe for Dr. Pepper cupcakes from a friend (thanks,assume_a_virtue), but I think I'll try those out myself. (: )

[Wall of text]

There are two people. TWO. Who care at all that I am back in Germany.
My Mom doesn't care. I haven't heard from anyone else in my family. Some people who are actually important to me don't care.
And everyone else I know would rather have me back in Arizona.

Now someone tell me what I'm doing here. It's wrong, just WRONG.

I need a miracle. Seriously. I can't stay here (read: Germany) for a year with pretty much no hope.

I can't focus. I can't think. I tried to go through the pictures on my camera. And I cried.
I can't have fun. I can't do anything. But what's the point anyway?
I feel like everything is meaningless when I can't share it with him. What's the point in doing anything if I can't do it with him?

And then I start fights with him, because I feel so hopeless, helpless, and scared, and I'd rather be dead, and I need support that he can't give me because he is so far away, and if I was there, I wouldn't need it. And I'm making him so unhappy and I can't stop.
And he puts up with all my crap because for some unfortunate (for him..) reason he really loves me, more than I deserve.

There are no words to describe how I feel, really. I'm just empty and pretty much half-dead.
I'm convinced I won't make it.

And then my Mom calls me and tells me I have 10 days to pack my stuff, so I can move back to her place.
I'm glad I'm moving out of this apartment because I failed at living on my own. But I only want to move there, nowhere else.
I have no desire to see my family and pretend to be someone I'm not. And it's scary because I know that I need a therapist. Not because of how I feel now, but because of how messed up I am in general. And my parents are the only people who can help me get one. And they're the last people I can tell about my problems.
I even considered just not eating until I lost so much weight that they HAVE to notice and have to help me.

The other day, or maybe yesterday, I remembered how we talked about orphans in Biology class in school, and the problems many of them have due to their lack of.. parents. And how much I could relate to most of the symptoms.
It's scary, because I do have parents.
And it makes me wonder what happened when I was little, in those times that I can't remember at all, that screwed me up like this.

God. I need to go back there. I NEED to. I need to be around people who genuinely care.
I've been thinking about trying to talk to Andrew's mother. Because I trust her more than I trust my own mom. More than I trust .. any adult in the entire world. Because she made me feel like she could solve any problem.
And because I want to be a part of her family so bad, and I guess she deserves to "know".
But I'm stuck - I don't know how to start.
"O HAI.
I'm depressed and scared, my family is all kinds of messed up,
I have nobody, but your son continues to save my life pretty much every day.
I can't stay here. Halp plz."
That's basically it, but I don't know how to say it. And I'm scared of her reaction, although Andrew told me a million times that nothing I could say would make her change her opinion about me.

And Andrew... well, he's just incredible. I can't put in words what he does for me. And I can hardly believe he's still there. Because he's seen me at my worst, I've done horrible things to him, I've accused him of things he never even thought of doing, and he's found me crying and shaking on the bathroom floor, just in time to keep me from hitting my head against the wall again. And he's still there. He still loves me. And I'm really just now slowly starting to understand what that means and how lucky I am.

But at the same time, I feel like a pathetic loser, because my life, everything I do, every breath I take, every decision I make, revolves around him, not to mention my sleep schedule.
And he said he sees "things differently" and I'm not entirely sure what that means, because we haven't quite managed to talk about it without getting upset and crying and stuff, and I'm kind of afraid to ask now because I don't want to fight again, just because I'm so needy.

Either way, I'm not exactly planning on changing my sleep schedule for a while. At least not until school starts again over there, because then it will be easier for both of us to have a normal day, and still talk a lot. Over the summer, it's better to let him sleep when and as much as he wants to. <3
Still, time zones FTL.

In other news, I ordered painkillers and sleeping pills online.
Huzzah. I might just want to use one of the sleeping pills later, and HOPEFULLY it will work, and I'll get more than 4 hours of sleep. Maybe even without nightmares?
I'm still doubting the whole thing, but I never tried sleeping pills, so who knows.
I seem sort of immune to most medication I've had in my life, except the really strong antibiotics that I had to take three times a day. Those made me very happy.

McFly say, "I'd never wish for anyone to feel the way I do."
I concur.

[/Wall of text.]

Yay! The article on Colorado Springs Paranormal Association made the newspaper (finally)!! Go here to read the story:

Chasing shadows
Local association hunts for ghosts
http://www.gazette.com/articles/nothing_38650___article.html/porter_walton.html

For anyone who's local, grab a Sunday paper and the story will be in the Life section of the print edition.

Woot! ;-)

I haven't slept right since the cat left.
Every night I start getting tired around 7pm and then I'll wake up around 11pm and be awake for several hours. And on nights when I work the next day, I hav to be up and ready to leave by 6am, so I start forcing myself to try to sleep again around 2am, but then my alarm goes off at 5am.
I'm not exhausted during the day, but the erratic sleeping is throwing me off because I have no way of plannng my time. I can't finish working on something because I get tired then I wake up in the middle of the night and I don't want to do anything because I know I'll have to nap again before I go into work.
It sucks.
Whats even worse is that I think I was having a nightmare earlier about checking people in at work.
I wish there was a cure for this disease.

A few clips from our latest paranormal investigation case. The funniest one, to me, is the one with the male voice saying, "Paul...Paul." It's obvious *someone* wanted to get Paul's attention that night! *grins*. One more thing to note: no children or teenagers live in this home - only males. So there should be NO young female voices on these recordings. In addition, all residents of the home spent the night at a hotel and the only ones present were our investigators:

On this one, somebody is obviously trying to get Paul's attention:
http://www.paranormalcoloradosprings.org/audio/08_0712/paulpaul.wav

In this clip, you hear a male and a female investigator talking...then after that you'll hear the faint voice of a female (child?) singing:
* You may have to turn up your volume to hear this one*
http://www.paranormalcoloradosprings.org/audio/08_0712/noise.wav

A male voice asks, "Can you hear me?" followed by something else...can't make out what the rest is yet:
http://www.paranormalcoloradosprings.org/audio/08_0712/canyouhearme.wav

Not quite sure what's being said here, possibly "Can you bring her back?" or "Just bring her back"...what do you guys think?
http://www.paranormalcoloradosprings.org/audio/08_0712/canyoubringherback.wav

Female voice, possibly "This is us" or, as Paul thought, maybe "This is a test"...very obvious it's a female:
update: after listening closer with headphones, it sounds like, "This is Tess," which would be a girl or female's name. One of our investigators kept asking, "Are you a little girl?" Perhaps this was the answer!
http://www.paranormalcoloradosprings.org/audio/08_0712/thisisus.wav

We're aware that not everyone in the community will like us and some people will feel threatened by what we do. Unfortunately, one of our members found this out the other day when a man, who obviously didn't like the info about our paranormal group on our member's car, threw a soda at the car and yelled, "Freak!" Some people really suck!! Argh!! But you know what? It's a FREE country and WE have a right to do what we do, too!

After some thought, I'm sorry to announce that henceforth my slightly more "adventurous" entries will be kept locked under Friends. So lurkers... lol... too bad!!!

:P

I don't care, I want a boob job. I would rather have boobs that are ugly when I am naked and look good in dresses and shirts than these boobs which are also ugly when I am naked and do not look good in dresses or shirts. I hate them I hate them I hate them and I want a boob job. I don't want silicone inserts to make them size JJJJ or whatever, I just want a boob...lift... Whatever, I want it!

I have developed a really unfortunate addiction to tattoo shows, but I just have to say Miami > LA. Kat is annoying and her tattoos are so ugly. I hate portrait tattoos.

I have begun reading The Watchmen because I am a poser and the trailer for the movie made me pee my pants, for some reason.

My neck won't pop and it's bugging me.

Someone make it pop please.

Thanks.

My  husband and I are suppose to go to the horse track tonight. He was supposed to be home around 5pm. It's nearly 7pm now. I've changed from mad to paranoia....
 
Edit: Got a call from him. He says he's too "exhausted" to go tonight and make it up to me another night. That still doesn't explain why he's not home yet. Naturally, I'm hurt. We made plans for TONIGHT!

I keep having these nightmares where Tony is back in my life.
He's beating me senseless and I feel like I'm going to die
I'm screaming and screaming and screaming but nothing comes out.
No one can hear me, no one ever heard my cries when they were together.
They've been separated for a year now and I'm still so traumatized that I have issues sleeping at night.
I'm not sure what I'll do if I have to continue like this for another year...

If you haven't already taken steps to cut high-fructose corn syrup from your diet, I highly suggest you do so as soon as you're comfortable with it.

Cause fructose makes you fat.

Written for weekly_letter.

Title: Letter to a Brother
Rating: G
Fandom: Skyrates; original characters.
Character: Lady Schell.
Author's Notes: I'm still figuring out my characters, so this is simply a piece to help me place Lady Schell as a person. She's a Diplomat working under Captain Zekkass of the Vengenace Whitehall in Skyrates. It's shorter than I'd like, but the next one will be longer.

Also, yes, I know the Captain is named after me, but I named her that on Skyrates before I realized that I'd be using her in fic and roleplay and such. Oh well. :)

( I can tell she's afraid we'll be tracked down by enemies she's made. )

So? So. Skyrates is awesome. I highly recommend playing it, and checking out the radio and forums. (Oh, hey, SC2 fans - it's combat system is similar to the SC2 combat system, and just as fun.)

Secondly. I'm going offline for a week or so soon, but I will let you know when I get back. Don't worry about it, I'll be fine.

Finally, the big happy news! I've survived another year, and I will be turning seventeen on July 31st!

I'll try to make a post closer to the date, but I wanted to say so in advance. :)

I hope you all are doing well!

Costume Stuff:

Mars' tiara needs another coat of paint, sealer, then the gem and elastic for it. :D Then that'll be done! I cut out the pattern for Luneth's undershirt last night, so I can get going on him. :D

Condo Stuff:

I got preapproved for a loan, and after looking at 3 places yesterday, I know what I want to go for. There's another place I want to look at at, but I think I'll end up going with Ryan as a realtor with the place I first liked. I may call his banking man and see what deals he can offer on my FHA loan as well. :D

Work Stuff:

I hope this week is nice and full of non-fighting at work. I'm sick of the petty stuff going on, and I want to enjoy my coworkers' companies again instead of wanting to strangle them. :D

LMFAO, Ralph Nader added me to Facebook!

In other news I am fine. I've been anti-social. I got my cell phone bill and I only used 268 minutes last month. Sad that I paid $50 bucks for it too.