You Are A Goddess

A very small, quiet vent

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:11:55 GMT

It's been a while since I posted an entry in my own community... I've been reading everyone else's posts, hoping this place acts as a great sanctuary, but I really haven't been talking about the stuff that's been bothering me. *wry grin*

I've gained more weight than I'm comfortable with, and I now must take into account the chronic pain and fatigue that accompanies fibromyalgia. It's unbelievably frustrating: Wanting to exercise for hours, but being too tired or in too much pain. I've done basic yoga and basic Pilates, I've walked for thirty minutes up and down my neighborhood, I've done standard floor exercises.

Today probably is not the best time to rant, as I'm PMSing. I feel fantastically bloated; my abdomen looks swollen. More than anything else, this badly disturbs me. I've always had serious issues with my midsection; a near obsession with wanting to maintain a small waistline and well-muscled (what they call flat) belly.

I don't look in the mirror and think, "You're fat." I know I'm slender and curvy. What I think is, "You really need to tone up. You have flab and unwanted fat weight. You need to fight past the pain and the fatigue. You need to firm up. You will feel better with more muscle tone and less fat."

And I forget that curves actually include roundess and softness, you know?

Just one year ago, I had amazing muscle tone all over, and I didn't have fibromyalgia.

I think I'm done venting for now.

*offers hugs and comfort to all members*

lisianthia's fairy

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 21:03:49 GMT

and the message:

"fly, heartshine, fly
you are the nightingale
immersed in night's song
behold you own beauty
gorgeous

hee! love, and protection, surrounding goodwill (how I translate their we love you! mark)

love!
your fairy godmother"

(a gentle touch on the shoulder for anyone who crosses upon these - I am totally open to drawing anyone's fairies who wishes them. I can draw them for those who have passed, pets, children, anyone not present, anyone! This energy knows no bounds for it is the energy of the universe, and I am always -delighted- to share it)

healing_journey's fairy

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 10:45:48 GMT

and the message:

"kind eyes!
hearing the angels calling you
you are a great one, dear star child
thank you for being here
you are great
cherished
kind
bountiful

love you!!! (how I translate their OMG we love you mark)

love!
your kindred spirit"

(I will draw people's fairies for anyone who asks - it is an honor and a privilege to be a part of this amazing gift that I have. Please, if you are interested and open to it, feel free to ask. I'd so love to be a conduit for the this energy for you!)

solange's fairy

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 10:29:51 GMT

and the message:

"hear the starlight in your eyes
you are a beautifully radiant child of the universe
be not afraid of those around you
you are a glimmering fae child
our hands are upon you

hee, love, and laughter (how I translate their "beautiful love signature")

love!
the fairy unicorn"

laetisia's fairy

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 02:48:49 GMT

and the message:

"You are welcome wherever your heart leads you to
let your heart be your gentle guide
it steers with sure hands
to where you most desire
fear not the location
revel in the journey

ee! (how I translate their "mark" - it's an energy dance more like)

love!
your fairy self"

(I've mentioned drawing people's fairies before in this community, but I want to let you know that the offer still stands, and will continue to stand. I -love- being a conduit for this energy, so if you feel open to it, I'd be honored to draw yours for you.)

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 11:46:33 GMT

Hi friends. I've been a member for a while, but I don't think I've ever posted.

I have been struggling hard for the past two months or so. My life is very chaotic and I have been turning to food once again, despite six months or so without ED symptoms. My boyfriend with whom I have lived for almost two years had a drug relapse a couple of weeks ago which exacerbated this; or, I should say, my difficulty coping with my emotional response exacerbated it. Now we are breaking up and he is moving out. Half of the time I do not want this despite knowing it is right, probably because I am terrified of the transition and huge change. I know in my heart that the healthiest thing would be for him to leave. He has hurt my too many times, and I don't think that he is committed to his recovery the way that I need him to be.

I am trying to stay focused on my feelings and bodily needs, but there are just moments that I slip back into unawareness and I swear I don't know what I'm doing. My situation is overwhelming me and I am afraid I cannot be consistently good to myself in this time of chaos. "How will I live alone, where will I go, what will I do at night when I come home from work, how will I afford to live on my own, how will I decide who to date, what if I need to say no?" are all more difficult questions than "what will I eat, when will I purge, how awful am I?" though the latter questions are just as able to consume my mind.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing my story. Despite all of this, I have come a very long way. And I must say that self awareness has been my greatest tool for recovery. I just need to continue to expand it.

Side note: has everyone read Eating in the Light of the Moon by Dr. Anita Johnston? Best recovery book ever, in my opinion. At first I thought that this community was based on the book, but I don't see it mentioned.

New here

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 23:46:08 GMT

Hello all,just joined.I dont have alot of time for introduction,just can say this

have been anorexic since i was 8,I'm27
just been diagnosed with epilepsy 2 weeks ago..(possible link?will ask neurologist next time I see him)
opiate addict for 12 years

I have been and am still sometimes a mess

as far as what to do about it..
anorexia..no idea how to fix it
on keppra for epilepsy,worx great!
on methadone and getting therapy for pain pill addiction for the millonth time!well..maybe 3rd!

I will write some more here next time as I have got to run off.
glad to be here!
-Christina

Combating Anoxeria and the quest for a healthy body.

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 21:45:54 GMT

I've been struggling with overcoming anorexia for the past 3 years. My weight has bounced back and forth. I've realized after starving myself for weeks on end up that I've slipped back into that old routine. I've discovered new ways of tricking my body into thinking it's full, I've obsessed over working out.

Now it's year 3. I've been unemployed since early 2007. I've also traveled across the country during 2007. It was an eye opening experience and I don't regret it one bit. Problem is, due to being broke and being in areas where the food is very unhealthy (I come from Los Angeles where you have anything you want at your finger tips including some wonderfully healthy stuff), I packed on the pounds to the point where I need to focus in on weight loss.

Not due to obsession this time, but due to health reasons. I'm not big, but at the same time, I am a "chubby girl" now. Due to the weight gain I started tracking calories, convinced I'm consuming far too many. I'm not, it's still a very low number. Now that I'm back in LA and working, coworkers are starting to comment on how little I seem to eat.

So now I have a new hurdle to deal with, healthy weight loss while being a recovering anorexic. How can I deal with this while making sure I don't slip back into old habits once the weight starts coming off? I need to kick start my screwed up metabolism. I need to somehow increase my caloric intake to at least 1200 a day (which seems like an impossible task). I want to go back onto my raw diet once I can afford it and I plan to take up a new workout routine that focuses in on strength rather than the number the scale shows me. It includes cardio, yoga and weight training. The weight training will slim me down but I will still weigh more than the so called healthy weight for my height which I'm hoping will help prevent me from stepping on the scale every single day.

I've already eliminated elements that were causing weight gain. I've gone off hormonal birth control after being on it for 10 years, opting instead for a copper IUD. The weight started dropping off that month without any other changes. My face has slimmed down and my tummy is going away. I still refuse to step on the scale or pick up a measuring tape (both are bad triggers) but friends say it looks as though I've already lost at least 10 pounds since I made this change 3 months back.

This is going to be hard, very hard. I know I'll have times when I'll back track but I'm more self aware than I've ever been. Over the years I've been able to pin point the triggers, the thoughts, the actions that link to returning to this destructive frame of mind. My problem is not completely loosing myself in it and aiming for size 0 again.

Has anyone else gone through this? I'd love to hear stories, advice, thoughts, anything.

telepathic bond with horses!

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Sat, 17 May 2008 01:13:01 GMT

I'm feeling energy quiver in my toes. I'm feeling it race through me. I feel spirals and tendrils of it slipping out my hair, curling around my ears, buzzing around my eyes and pouring out of my fingertips. I want to speak, and when I do, there will be magic. Blue magic, which swirls and stirs in the air. I'm feeling energy, magic, myself-ness curling, shivering, quivering, being in the air, in myself, I am electric.

Where does this electricity come from? I am a horse person. Oh so much. Let me tell you, my friends, I went to this equine (horse) workshop which was absolutely right for me. Totally right and natural for me.

Why was it so right? Because the second, or nearly thereafter, that I stepped out the porch door to go have experience #1, being with the horses (no touching or talking), I felt an IMMEDIATE psychic/telepathic link with one Arabian, Justice. OMG, you guys, I heard ze ask me, "Don't you want to come closer?" I wasn't shaken by this, but rather was like, "oh wow!" And as I drew closer, a few steps at a time (holy shit guys, a horse is talking to me, and I'm hearing it crystal clear like it's the most natural thing in the world and I've been able to do it all my life and just now "realized" it), I began to be hit by giggles. Pure, pure joy just running, racing, turning cartwheels within me.

It was AMAZING, holy fuck, seriously. I've never experienced such utter, pure joy MINDFULLY, as in all in my head but definitely in my body and racing everywhere else (there was no other person in my head, just this connection), with a four legged being. Well, I have with a cat before, actually, but not this words-connection. I think it had to be words to get my attention or something like that, but after that, words weren't needed. It was all this telepathic joy-bond.

So anyway, after that happened, we had this body scan meditation where I felt, "well I certainly don't need this so I'll do my own thing." I was tempted to move away from the group, but something kept me there, a herd mentality or something like that, and I began writing stuff, really important stuff that made total sense to me and filled me with a sense of empowerment. I was silent, no disturbing the other humming beings.

Then, OMGOMGOMGOMG the SECOND exercise was called "give and take" where you get to choose the horse (though in I think all three cases (two other participants, other than me) the horse chose us) and you're in the paddock with them and you walk until they give notice, and eventually they come to you or not. And coming to you is a powerful experience, like giving them the full reins in the relationship, acknowledging the authentic self that is a free spirit, deserving of all the room and space it needs.

Not coming can be just as powerful, as one participant found out - ze found out, after talking with the group leaders in some degree of frustration, that the horse was suffering a respiratory illness and so wasn't feeling well. I know I wouldn't reach out to someone, if I were ill, but might wait for them to, or not, if I didn't feel like I wanted contact - and so ze went back to the horse and began to pet it, which was a huge release for me energetically and emotionally since I'd been watching this interaction and did in fact know what this horse wanted.

Mine though.. I went first, and omg, it was.. wow. I knew that the Arabian who had chosen me would come to me, it was only a matter of time. Ze played around, rolling in the dirt (to which I laughed aloud as it was FUNNY, and I felt the joy of it from zir), eating some grass, trying to engage me. But I wouldn't have any of it.

Instead I simply watched and waited as ze finally came to me, and oh. my. god/dess. it was like shaking hands with myself, with this shining being who had finally decided to just stop playing and be real. Ze was like a puppy in my hands, and we nuzzled and it was just amazing.

I really felt totally at peace there, totally myself, able to move around, and I let the connection play out as long as it would, then left it feeling joyful.

I still hear zir voice in my head, as a guide.

I'm amazed. Absolutely amazed. And yet, it feels right, and totally natural that I would have that sort of connection. Just wow.

*giggles*

ee!

cross posted to my own journal, to isistemple, and spiritsisters

Fairy drawing

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 05:06:29 GMT

Hi! My name is Aurilion and I'd really love to share some fascinating stuff that's been going on lately for me. I'm 22 and have been drawing fairies for friends and others for a good week or two now, and it's so energizing and filling that (and the fairies want me to keep going!) I wanted to reach out to this community and to see if anyone was interested or open to me drawing their fairies.

My journal is mostly public, and this post may help to answer some questions.
http://aurilion.livejournal.com/156569.html

More recently, if you'd like to see the one that I just drew of myself, tonight, here's that entry.
http://aurilion.livejournal.com/157208.html

The one in between those describes more about how fairy drawing makes me feel, as it is one of the most wonderfully fulfilling processes I've ever been/felt called to do.

I'd really love to draw your fairy, as I consider it an honor and a joy to be a part of someone's life like that. I draw them, then take a picture to send to you.

You can comment on either entry, on this one, wherever! I'm continually drawing them, so I'd love to have more inspiration. Thank you!

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 07:47:16 GMT

I want to feel content with myself.

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 15:00:09 GMT

hello, I'm new here. my name is gwen, I'm 15 and I'm from singapore.

I just came upon this community today and I thought I'd share my story too.

I lead a very blessed life. and I'm immensely grateful for it. but there's just some stuff I can't get over...like my body image. singapore is a highly competitive country - girls do all they can to stay petite and slim. for many years I have been ignoring the fact that I never lost my baby fats, that I'm always much chubbier than my lanky classmates. I never watched what I ate. I hated exercise.

then puberty struck, or maybe it was just the fact that I had entered secondary school. a school filled only with slim, beautiful and highly intelligent girls. I suddenly became painfully aware of how I looked, how I didn't fit in. in secondary one I changed clothes in class, and then my classmate came over. "you've got a love handle," she said, looking utterly horrified. I didn't know what to say in reply. I ran out and never changed in front of her after that. in secondary two another classmate told me to walk with my back straight and not stick my butt out. the truth is that I was already walking with my back straight. but I had a big butt, and the tightly belted uniform did nothing to conceal or play it down.

just earlier this year I told a close friend that it hurt that everyone pointed out and jeered at my butt. she smiled widely and exclaimed "BUT YOU DO HAVE A BIG BUTT!" she then proceeded to tell me I walk like a duck. I guess it didn't help that my family, the people I am closest to in this entire world, feel the same. my parents love me but they don't think anything's wrong in telling me I'm fat. but I'm thinspired. I dieted excessively - cleared my home of junk food, switched to wholemeal, stopped eating rice (a staple in singapore). I swam every week, did 50 sit ups a day, took up rollerblading.

it didn't seem to work. I have more muscle now, but there's still flab. there's always flab. I can't stand looking at my thighs. the only time I truly feel skinny is when I skip a meal, when I can feel my ribs while standing up. I once wanted to be anorexic or bulimic, but I'm afraid of the consequences, like organ failure or corroded teeth.

why am I here? most of my friends tell me I'm skinny. some say they're really envious. I'm not actually fat, I wear sizes S and M. I don't know either. recently I've been losing faith in exercising to lose fats, and seriously considering unhealthy alternatives.

give me some advice, please.

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:21:42 GMT

New community! Come and check it out!

Come to inspire and be inspired curvygirls2

Off-Topic Mod Post

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 22:58:49 GMT

Some of you may belong to the communities that have been recently hit by incredibly offensive, disgusting image posts. The moderators of these communities were quick to delete the posts and ban the users. As a precaution, I made sure to ban the users from this community as well. However, that will not stop these people from posting under different names and attacking communities again.
This post is to ask for your help: If you know the usernames of trolls who regularly spam communities with images, please email me at rosefox8 @yahoo.com so I can do a pre-emptive ban. I really don't want this community to become a target, and I don't want to have to turn it into a closed, locked, or severely moderated community.
Thank you.

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 02:01:55 GMT

Hi. I'm coming here because I don't know what to do.

You know, I'm not really SURE I have an eating disorder. Not the typical kind. But I know you never really believe you do until you're healthier.

Here is my problem. I obsessively think about my weight constantly. It is a continual source of stress and it is not even really a vanity thing. I have an OCD type of personality and often find myself attaching an obsession to my life in one form or another -- in the past it has been many things from the minute to the outright bizarre. I have neurotic behavior and am very secretive and nervous around other people. I am uncomfortable when I get close to people for fear I will be judged. I constantly walk around with this fear that I am constantly being judged.

Oh right, a proper introduction. My name is Cassandra, and I'm 17. I have been struggling in-and-out since I was much younger. I remember when I was 10 or 11 looking in the mirror thinking I had a pretty face, but too bad, since I was "so fat" (I wasn't overweight or anything close to it at the time).

My parents had an ugly divorce around the time I was 9. It was awful. I remember being in 6th grade after having chopped all my hair off and wanting so badly and trying to be beautiful, pulling at my scalp and tearing at my face wishing I were beautiful. Checking mirrors and store windows CONSTANTLY. Spending all my allowance on make-up and clothing. I emulated my dad's girlfriend at the time and felt incomparably ugly. Everyone felt sorry for me, but I knew they felt I was supremely deluded (because I was) and there was this underlying feeling that no one understood me. They were sympathetic, but they didn't quite get it. It was the most lonely feeling in the world. I constantly thought of jumping out of my window and dying.

And so I feel lonely now. Lonely and ashamed. Ashamed that I might really have major issues with eating and exercising. Especially since I tried and try so hard to be sensible. To eat sensibly with good nutrition and exercise moderately for fitness and health. Sometimes you don't realize or want to believe the illusions you tell yourself. I so badly want to be 'healthy', to be moderate. Most of all there is this feeling that I swing from one extreme to another. I'd really like to underline that sentiment; it seems to follow me wherever I go. Before my "health" phase I was the antithesis -- I smoked marijuana heavily, did drugs and drank recklessly. I never exercised and overate junk food at my leisure. Constantly there is this feeling of always being out of balance. I collect things to obsess over just to feel controlled. Little things, stupid things. Every day in 9th grade I would compulsively come home from school and pick out my outfit from the next day. I was distracted in school because my mind was preoccupied with next day's outfit (it's not about vanity but I am sure you understand). I forced myself out of this habit and the habit switched to something else that I would do compulsively - listmaking.

Nowadays I compulsively write down the food I want to eat for the next day -- a list of "allotted foods". At my worst, I exercised after eating every bit of food sometime earlier in this year. I restricted heavily, and not only the amount of food but specifically the type of food. Nowadays, I try to eat "normally" and am trying to silence the disordered side of me. I do exercise, but I enjoy the exercise. I do have a sneaking suspicion this is because it is tied to a body shape. I can't exercise or eat well for the sake of the actions themselves, but because they will grant me, eventually, a "better body". I am so sick of hating my body and the love-hate affair. I am so tired of being secretive. I want to tell someone but my mother has enough problems in her life and I really feel as though I would burden her. She doesn't have the capability or stress threshold to deal with it. She has a dying sister and so many other problems that I feel guilty compounding them and I feel like she'd just blow me off or take this lightly.

Help.

hugs wanted

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 22:38:54 GMT

Been a while since I posted in my own community. Mea culpa.
I need a hug. I've barely been able to eat since yesterday. I've been having a severe fibromyalgia flare, a migraine, and small seizures since last night. Since I woke up this morning, I've been incredibly hungry, yet even the smell of food makes my stomach turn. I am desperate to find something I can eat without struggling. I'm currently drinking a yogurt-fruit smoothie with acai berries (Stonyfield Farm Shift Power Punch), which I admit isn't much, but at 200 calories it's better than nothing. There's a microwave dinner in the freezer; fetticine alfredo, that I'm going to try and tackle. Since Saturday afternoon, I've had: a small steak and cheese sandwich with avocado for lunch; a small baked and breaded chicken breast for dinner; half a cheese and chicken omelette for breakfast; a small tuna salad sandwich with avocado for lunch; and now this smoothie. And I feel like I have eaten absolutely nothing.

So, what do you all do when this happens? What do you eat when you feel as if you need to force yourselves?

a book recommendation

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 17:41:40 GMT

http://rosefox8.livejournal.com/895352.html

I'm going to order this as soon as my paycheck comes on Friday. It'll go on the shelf right next to Dr. Johnston's book.

slipping

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 19:26:29 GMT

Things have been mentally and emotionally stressful for me lately, and as a result my appetite has almost disappeared. I've been making myself eat, but I'm not really managing enough, and what I do eat is very unhealthy. This in turn is making my mood and appetite even worse. Any advice on breaking a destructive spiral before it carries me too far downward would be appreciated. I know I should give more detail, I will try to after class.

Gwyn

love of the body, ahora

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 00:07:28 GMT

Last week I treated myself to wall-climbing lessons. When I was younger I loved my body for the joy it gave me. I ran and wrestled and rode my bike all over my little town. I was a tree climber.
I love movement.
Now I'm climbing walls. One day I'll climb rocks, climb mountains. I love climbing.
I feel strong.

My appetites are robust. I feel alive. I've been eating without guilt, with relish, nourishing myself. I feel summer coming on, like having a hand in a golden bowl of ripe fruit. I miss the heat, the salty smell of sweat. I want to hike and swim and explore. I want bare skin.

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 22:44:19 GMT

I just ran across this community over at metaquotes, and I have to say, the very idea of it is amazing. The only places related to eating disorders I've ever come across online have been people who are not recovering and don't want to, and it's nice to know there's a place that I can go to without being ridiculed for recovering or never reaching the weight I wanted to be to begin with.

That being said, I kind of just want to introduce myself, so I hope that's okay. I've been struggling outright with anorexia since I was 15. I go through phases where I'm recovered and I eat like a horse, but whenever I get stressed or depressed (because my anorexia goes hand in hand with my depression and SI) I relapse. I've come to terms with the fact that I will always "be" anorexic, in the sense that I will always desire to restrict or punish myself when I feel bad about myself, but I hope that someday I can push it aside for good, instead of just for phases like I have been doing.

I'm now turning 20 this year, and I had a very bad relapse last semester, to the point where I was seeing a counselor on campus because I had to tell my friends not to let me leave the dining hall until I'd eaten enough. I'm now over my depression relapse, due to the counseling sessions and, oddly enough, the help of the person who made me that depressed to begin with. Unfortunately, I've gained 20 pounds in the last 7 months or so, and while every one of my friends thinks I look much better, I do still have days where I think I need to drop about 30 pounds, and unfortunately while I'm always hungry I usually can't find food that appeals to me. I would appreciate any help in this department, since I do enjoy the fact that my pants fit not only my hips but my waist as well for the first time in my life.

I'm sorry that this is a bit long. I don't know how to do a cut, but if someone thinks it should be cut, I'll look it up and do it.

"An open letter to all women"

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 22:20:13 GMT

http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/5961702.html

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 03:49:04 GMT

Hi. ^_^ I totally have no idea what to say.

But, um, I'm sixteen years old, I've had an ED for the last two and a half-years but I'm in recovery, which is shiny, recovery is shiny, except that lately I've been gaining a lot of weight and it's making me feel squicky and regress-y, and I've been restricting again. And my response to that seems to be to self-injure, which is also squicky. And I was wondering--does anybody have any tips for things to do to keep from SIV, or to feel better about eating? I want to do things right and stay in recovery, but it's scary to be gaining weight.

--and now I will hide, okay? Okay. Awesome.

questions

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 05:20:16 GMT

Since Christmas I've relapsed in a big way, and it's led to some realizations I never expected. One of them--one that frightens me most--is that I don't know what I like anymore. In almost any way. I feel that I haven't picked up new interests in years, and that I've lost my voice even (especially?) regarding what I do feel passionate about.
My ability to write is nearly completely shut down. This is like losing my tongue or my hands.
And for someone so obsessed with food, I really don't enjoy the stuff. I keep telling myself I'm allowed to eat whatever I want whenever I need it, but nothing has any appeal. Nothing.
How do I rediscover food? If I can decide just one small thing at a time, maybe I'll get my voice back. If you've gone through this, how did you do it? And what do you like?
I'd love to hear what you enjoy eating, or doing, or being involved in. Any of it, all of it. What identities have you discovered for yourself by moving forward?

This is all ridiculously tangled, but any comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you. :)

Old member returning

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 21:24:16 GMT

The only reason I havent posted in so long is because I got in a fight with Verizon and I refused to use their internet service. I finally gave in a few days ago.

Well its been so long that Ive had my 1st baby. (she is wonderful and beautiful and perfect :D ) well Im sure you can all see how this could be devestating for recovery. While I was pregnant I could only think about my baby's health and I ate very healthy and I exercised sensibly and everything was fine. Ive been dreading this month. I knew I wasnt recovered or very strong and I put it out of my mind while I was pregnant. Now I have this 6 day old beautiful baby to care for and Im afraid I'll mess it all up. My husband knows about everything but he can only half way understand. He tries so hard. I havent gone back to work yet so my daughter (Autumn) and I are home alone all day long. There is no one watching me. Or watching what I eat. Its to easy. Ive dropped 17lbs already and Im extremly scared that its already spiraled out of control. Im under more stress then I ever have been and Im all alone. I dont know what to do. I almost feel like giving in.

Newbie Here!

rosefox8@yahoo.com — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 05:33:28 GMT

Greetings. I am very excited that I stumbled across this community--it seems like a wonderful, supportive place.

I guess I'll give some info about me.

I'm 21, graduating from college in May, and starting law school in August. I developed disordered eating when I was in high school; it turned into anorexia during my sophomore year in college, brought on by the stress of being on a very demanding Division 1A soccer team. I started therapy in February 2005, and improved in terms of my eating habits. I was still 110% unhappy with my body, made worse by the weight gain that often accompanies recovery. I studied abroad in Fall 2005, and was liberated by a culture that didn't require it's women to be a perfect size 0. I was still not happy with my body, but I was much more accepting.

Recently, the stress of getting into law school sent me running back to my eating disorder. I lost a lot of weight, got depressed (again), and basically was right back at the bottom of my self-dug hole. I spent my Christmas break in my therapist's office...literally. I was basically given the option of checking into a hospital where I would be made to eat, or eating my meals with my therapist. It was hell. But it helped me push through a really tough time in my anorexia.

It's only been 2 months since my Christmas break, but I am doing better. I am eating consistently (thought not enough in terms of calories, so I'm constantly told by my therapist/ nutritionist/ mother/ friends) and have re-dedicated myself to recovery. I have a life to live--I am NOT going to let this eating disorder live it for me.

So, there you go. I am thrilled to be here and ready to learn to love myself, just as I was created.