Guess What I Had Heard?

I'm assuming she thoroughly enjoyed Snakes On A Plane.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 07:47:23 GMT

I'm breaking a 43-week non-posting streak to tell this hilarious story, which may not even translate in print.

Two middle-aged black women are looking at the DVD for the Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal at Best Buy. One of them sassily, but without irony, says to the other, "I remember that movie. He was stuck in that terminal."

Young Love. Old Eavesdropper.

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 04:35:02 GMT

Tonight I was getting some food, and in line behind me were a boy and girl, whom I would guess were no more than twelve or thirteen years old. Middle school aged.
The girl said to the boy, "Hey, remember the first time we went out? I hardly ate anything at all."
The boy said, "I did. I stuffed my face."
The girl: "Yeah, you did. But..."
They sounded so comfortable with one another as they reminisced about the good old days. How long have they been going out?

I felt incredibly old.

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 00:39:28 GMT

At Target this Friday evening......

Picture a gray haired, caucasion, later middled aged female customer walking with a highscool aged target employee that looked like Ricki from "My So Called Life"

she says..."yep! and yesterday he got circumsized"

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 23:48:03 GMT

Not the best thing I've overheard recently, but here goes:

That muthafucka just killed 2..no, no....that muthafucka just killed 4 birds with one stone!

And in an unrelated story I am not saying that I saw this guy:

...but I saw somebody on my way home that had that same look on their face.

Nu Shooz

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 04:21:54 GMT

After the Rufus Wainwright show at The Atlanta Botanical Gardern on Wednesday night (6/15/05), this group of three girls were in a hurry to catch the shuttle to take them back to Colony Square where their car was parked.
All three girls were running for the shuttle, when all of a sudden one of them stopped. Two of the girls left the third behind as she bent down and began to play with the strap on her lime green high-heeled shoes with a big plastic flower on the front.

Third girl: "Hey, wait! I'm taking these shoes off. There's no way I'm walking in them anymore!"
(Indistinguishable words from one of the other girls...)
Third girl: "No! They cost me $25 and they're not even cute! I'm taking them off."

Now, I'm not a girl, so I don't really know what this means. I find this statement confusing on several levels. Does that mean they are expensive and ugly or cheap and ugly? Is there a certain price that would make their lack of cuteness acceptable? And why did she buy them in the first place? Please explain it to me.

This story just reminded me that when I was a little kid and my Mom would take me to Payless Shoe Source, I would always be befuddled as to why they didn't just call the place Payless Shoe Store. I didn't know what "Source" meant, and the word never sounded right to me. There's still a part of me that wants to call the place Payless Shoe Store.

and today i dub thee...

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 21:59:53 GMT

this wasn't actually overheard, i was in this conversation, but it's still just WRONG

me: so you know moran calls me ms. parks?
1st guy: what, thats not even close to your name
me: umm yeah my last name is newell, but hey he called you malacheck
1st guy: i don't understand that, my name is malesik
me: i thought it was hilarious
1st guy: i don't think there is a ms. parks in our class
me: i know, i think he just made it up and decided hey, if she answers i must have guessed right, but dude, mr. vilami over here...
2nd guy: yeah man, my last name is villamil, what was he doing
1st guy: drinking, i mean how else can you explain it
2nd guy: there's no "i" at the end of my name, none
me: there's no "p", "a", "r", "k", or "s" in mine, at least he was in the general vacinity, he just gave me a brand new name, and apparently I didn't notice till the middle of the semester. how was he keeping any kind of roll going. cause i thought you got counted absent when you didn't answer correctly
1st guy: i guess you got 100 on that because he NEVER called Ms. Newell
me: i guess so, but he called on ms. parks all of the damn time and she never answered a question, and he used to talk to me after class and he never mentioned that i didn't answer him, he's be like "hey ms. parks, blah blah dead hand, blah blah, defieasable trusts." I liked him.
2nd guy: yeah me too
1st guy: yeah he was funny

Overheard Via TV

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 13:58:28 GMT

"I think he was the ultimate entertainer" - Referring to Ray Combs!

Who says this anymore?

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 20:41:23 GMT

I think I have gone through a time warp. Below are the excerpts of 2 conversations overheard recently...in 2005, not 1985 or in 1992.

1. Over heard a girl say to her friend while walking down the street: "You don't understand. WE WENT TO BED TOGETHER!!!"

2. Mid-30's business men on a smoke break: "A sphincter says what?"

I do admit, I may have to start using "went to bed with" again.

On AIM this evening (I was jonesing for a smoke):

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 01:38:17 GMT

Me: I wish you could blow me cigarette smoke via AIM.
der_erlkoenig: one day ...
der_erlkoenig: the israelis are working on ways to send smells
Me: Like mustard gas smells?
der_erlkoenig: so i could fart in the receiver and it would reproduce it on your end
Me: Would I be able to tell what you'd eaten?
Me: ...or would it just transmit a standard poot smell?
der_erlkoenig: i'm not sure how much degradation occurs
Me: I think a lot just has.
der_erlkoenig: blame the israelis
der_erlkoenig: the JEWS

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 23:44:32 GMT

the most redneck people ever come into my store....

all of the one syllable words should be drawn out to be pronounced (with a drawl) like a 2 syllable word.
well, except my one line.
yesterday at work:

customer: 'do yaaaaall have that new george strait cd?'

me: 'we do, lemme go get it for you' (runs off to country section)

customer: 'oh my gaaaawwd, did you see what he wrote on his christmas list?'

customer's friend: ' naw, whudd he put on it?'

customer: 'he put on here, george strait, toby keith, and one case of skoal, green apple flavor'

customer's friend: 'nawwwww! but sam's is on the other side of towwwwwn!!'

Overheard at a Halloween party.

Sat, 11 Dec 2004 16:38:05 GMT

Random party-goer: What's your costume* supposed to be?

Patty: I'm the girl who got raped in the movie Jaws.

Random party-goer: Nobody got raped in Jaws.

Patty: Oh.

*Patty was wearing a bikini with a partially torn top and fake (?) blood stains on the butt.

Overheard in line at the Duke University Medical Center cafeteria five minutes ago:

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 18:12:22 GMT

Confused Old Woman: That comes to $6.25? But I only have this much... (holds up four crinkled singles to the Cashier.)
Cashier: Well, you gonna hafta put summadat shit back den.
Confused Old Woman: Oh my, I guess I will have to do that. (starts to shuffle away from the cash register when the Lady in line behind her hands the cashier a $5 bill to pay for the Confused Old Woman's lunch</i>).
Cashier: You payin' fo her shit?
Lady: Why yes I am.
Cashier to Confused Old Woman: You are truly blessed today.
Confused Old Woman: Huh? What's happening? Someone paid for me?
Cashier: Yes, you are blessed. It's your day to receive from the Lord...Now move on so I can rang these other folks up!
Confused Old Woman hesitates, still confused.
Cashier: Go on now, crunk ol' bitch!

dat shit taste like roast beef!

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 18:25:55 GMT

I was at Subway ording a Subway club on a wrap when I heard the girl behind me say to her equally large friend... "ooh I like them wraps... they taste like roastbeef!"

?????????????????????

Water Cooler Topics

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 17:52:02 GMT

These two plumber guys were fixing the water fountain outside the men's bathroom in our office. One of them was laying on his back, trying to get underneath the fountain, and was blocking the hallway. I politely excused myself as I stepped over him and his buddy was like "Hey Mike, you can't go and block the whole hallway. I'm gonna have to call Homeland Security on you. Have them take you away, man."

From a phone conversation I just had:

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 22:04:40 GMT

Me: Hello?
Friend: Hey.
Me: What?
Friend: I'm at the grocery store right now, and Mitchell Anderson is here.
Me: Who?
Friend: Mitchell Anderson!
Me: Who's that?
Friend: You know! From "Party of Five" and he was in that play "Bent," and now he's dating a hairdresser.
Me: No.
Friend: Well anyways, I saw him in the seafood section, and he was staring at my sunglasses, and I was staring at his sunglasses.
Me: Christian Dior?
Friend: Duh...I have the worst gas today.
Me: Oh.
Friend: I'm going to fart on him.
Me: Who?
Friend: Mitchell Anderson!
Me: Oh.
Friend: Hold on. I have to get next to him in the check-out line...
Me: Okay.
Friend: Okay, listen...*muffled fart sound*
Mitchell Anderson: Excuse you!
Friend: Shut up, fag.
Me: I'm hanging up now.

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 18:16:24 GMT

The Scene: 10 minutes ago at Willie's Burritos

Latina Cashier: "That'll be $5.51."
Me: [Hands her $6]
LC: "Ooh, I like your tattoos!"
Me: "Thanks."
Group of female burrito assemblers that has suddenly gathered from out of nowhere: "Can we see?" "Roll up your sleeve!"
Me: "Oh, so you like the rose tattoos? You're gonna love THIS!" [Rolls up sleeve to reveal Virgin Mary tattoo.]
Assemblers: "DIOS MIO!!" "OOOH!" *whistles* "Daaaaang!!"

Overheard at the Passerby

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 13:24:20 GMT

Guy--So its like I have worked with all of the Baldwin brothers now accept for Alec and I am hoping to do some serious work with him soon.
Girl--That is so awesome!
Guy--It is pretty sweet!
Girl--Oh my God I am getting so hungry. Do you want to get dinner?
Guy--OK. Do you want to snack on my bag of potato chips first?
(He opens a bag of Utz chips that had been stored in his man purse and they start eating)
Girl--Yum! I have not eaten a chip in so long. I forgot how good they are. Potato chips are amazing!
Guy--These were left over from this protest where they just handing these out for free...and you know I've heard that Buscemi really likes potato chips!

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 00:24:01 GMT

at this party last weekend

"so what are you into?"
"watersports"
"let's get outta here"

"like omg dancing to this xtina song is a better workout than this morning's pilates class"

"you're a great kisser. what did you say your name was again?"

"that'll be $75, please."

An older gay to a younger gay...

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 18:20:56 GMT

Son, I've got cum up my butt older than you...

Wed, 26 May 2004 15:14:14 GMT

Two 250 pound plus african-american ladies in white tee shirts and shorts outside my current and soon to be ex building, looking at the new condo building across the street:

"Ain't no niggas gon be livin' up in they!"

Pimp Juice

Sun, 23 May 2004 05:49:56 GMT

two first graders on pimp juice:

FG1:"man, i have so many girlfriends"
FG2:"how did you get them, can i have one"
FG1:"sure, I got them with my pimp juice"
FG2:"what is that, you are so silly"
FG1:"my pimp juice is why I have some girlfriends in the 2nd grade"
FG2:"i want one in the same grade so I can talk to her during lunch"
FG1:"let me see which one will say yes, i'll tell you in a little while"
FG2:"i am glad you are my best friend"
FG1:"me too, and i need to get rid of some of them anyway, i can't buy them all ice cream"

Thu, 20 May 2004 00:21:41 GMT

One yappity drunk girl to her endearing friend:
"I can almost forgive him for emailing his friend, Dave, about all the crazy and kinky sex we had, but I can never forgive him for cc'ing all of our friends and our parents in that last email after we made love this morning!"

i stole this from iamsamm

Wed, 19 May 2004 14:06:30 GMT

But I just wanted to comment on going to the Eternal Egypt exhibit at the ROM with my mate Sol. It was a lot of fun actually. I haven't seen him for a few weeks, so it was good to catch up. But the best part was by far hearing the following conversation AT AN ANCIENT EGYPT (we're talking almost 3000 BC) ARTIFACT EXHIBIT and then making fun of it...

"They could divorce back then?"

"Well not Muslims. Christians could."

Tell me atleast two things that are wrong with this comment.

*Hint* the BC stands for (in political incorrectness) Before Christ and Mohammad the originator of the Muslim religion didn't make his way to earth until about 571 AD.

Idiot-proofing the world? That's all I gots to say...

...of the office? Of his mind!

Tue, 18 May 2004 20:34:56 GMT

This wasn't really an overhearing in the traditional sense, but I rewatched "Kicking and Screaming" the other night, and one of the characters works in a video store. There's this throwaway line where a faceless customer asks, "Yeah, do you have Dr. Giggles in letterbox?"

I Didn't Overhear This, But I Did Hear that Someone Had Overhead This

Tue, 18 May 2004 19:01:00 GMT

The other night there was a domestic fight in one our neighbor's apartment. He had a gun and was asking a lady/tranny friend to please leave quietly before he had to make her leave, to which s/he replied "I'm 38 year old hooker with AIDS, go ahead and shoot me" - yikes!