I remember a particular thunderstorm the scared the spit out of me-- I would have journaled all about it had it not been for my slow computer connection in Cass. I got lazy and didn't bother. The long story will have to be skipped. I ended up in the middle of a huge field with my dog as a rather impressive thunderstorm rolled in. I discovered a sudden awareness of God. I thought of him each day as an abstract and a memory-- but watching the dark clouds as they cruised over the fields shooting out lightening really made God concrete for me (oh like you can only imagine...).  Yes, I understand the science of the thing... but when you're dealing with something as random as lightening you can't help but wonder: "Isn't the Big Guy the only one who could save me if the physics are a toss-up--- or strike me?"
Of course, it's mostly the trauma of knowing your life is in danger--- it shakes the heart. God obviously didn't send a T-storm after me... but I do wonder what possessed me to walk that far from home... and wonder also about the ways the Spirit moves in people when they are shaken. {Music does that sometimes...}

I couldn't help but recall how, months earlier , I'd felt God was sending me off to Judson Collins with a specific purpose-- help maintain the staff. In hindsight, it might have been a message like the oracle gives in the Matrix: tell him what he needs to hear. On the otherhand... that was spot-on! There were problems on the staff... of a breadth I never managed to approach though I wondered many times how I might. In any case, I entered staff training with a different attitude than I might have otherwise. I was a little more go-getting because of the way I understood my mission. I chose to believe I had been called-- called by the wind to apply to Kinawind (I mean that-- I heard a gust of wind and mysteriously thought of Kinawind and why I should go. God induced? You know I think so...) and called by circumstance to be elsewhere in the conference.
I suppose I already had a lot of what it took in me to do my job-- but I pursued it ardently. I nearly said zealously... but I think ardently describes my feelings more than my behavior. I kept myself reigned in externally... but internally I tried to stay focused. I threw myself into quiet-time with a special seriousness... trying desperately to make-up for any connection I had lost. I found my passion for the Word remained, buried under the excuses I pile ontop sometimes. The bottomline, if I might skip there, was that I did get a faith reinforcement and a stronger sense of God.  Not to mention, I was fighting like heck the temptation to think much about my girlfriend at home---- or fall in love with my co-worker.
I get a 50% score.... lol... oh well...
Yes, I found myself drawn to Christie for several reasons. It was during my week deliberating on that matter-- when she and I were co-counseling for some reason; the first week of all-- that I had a defining moment. *lightbulb* *starts playing "Defining Moment" by Newsong* Early in the morning, I woke up a little worried. I was exercising fairly good discipline at the time, so I began to pray and meditate before the kids woke-up. I was pensive-- about normal things like running the programming and about 'special circumstance' as well. I opened up my devotional booklet, finally, and smiled almost immediately. The scripture was from the book of Nehemiah. Nehemiah is one of my favorite Bible-guys aside from Jesus. Nehemiah was away in captivity, cup-bearer to the king of Persia, when he heard that Jerusalem was in poor shape. What did he do? He took action-- first he prayed to God about it and THEN he got his BUTT IN GEAR. He went to Jerusalem and got the wall-rebuilding project rolling. Not only that... he brought ethical and moral reform with him. The guy listened to God and put it into action-- he was fearless. Not just fearless of the sword, fearless of using his discretion and telling people what they needed to hear instead of what they wanted to hear.

After reading the passage from Nehemiah and reflecting on Nehemiah, I felt a subtle feeling coming over me. It wasn't the "fire" of the Spirit that I'm also familiar with-- reassurance of God's overwhelmingness. This was more like the Peace-- but not just rest. I interpreted this Peace as an "I am with you" from God. I chose to believe it. I could have wished it away, I'm sure... I'm sure I have before. It means taking up your 'pack' and acting less like Jonas(who ran the other way) and more like Nehemiah. I said "I buy it". That was one of the few days we had a down-pour of rain. Exigiencies were popping up left and right. As much as I wanted to believe that God had simply reassured me because he loved me, it seemed as though he wanted to prepare me as well. I came to the conclusion that it was because he loved me that he sent a clearer sense of his presence...
...then I thought more and more about it and became encouraged in new ways. I knew he must be with me at all times if I choose to connect-- but was extra present on a day where He knew I would need to "know".  The more important realization was this: God being with me didn't mean that I was going to everything perfectly. I think we make that mistake and when something falls through a bit we go "Well...shucks... God wasn't in me after all!!!"
I decided "God is with me if I totally fuck-up. I, as well as He, would prefer I did not-- but God reassured me that he had my back so I know that I should be bold and trust He'll pick up the pieces when things go bad". That's right: God is with you in your fuck-ups. Never the less... I was trying extra hard not to get out of control and make any situation worse. I just believed that God had given me the power too be effectual--- at the end of the first week, I politely criticised our program director infront of the whole group. The rest of the summer, I struggled with my feelings toward that program director...
Perhaps the strongest evidence I was on 'the path' this summer was the kind of resistance I encountered-- and the rewards as well. It was highstakes and I knew it. I braced myself for it... I coped or even more than coped. I fully believed~ I possessed confidence.
So many stories to tell-- would you believe me if I told you? If I made out my hero's tale for you? Maybe if I told you about the low times, you would believe me... I was a far cry from Nehemiah. At the same time, I knew I was headed in a direction like his... it was a good feeling: to be on a mission from God.
*cue the Blues Brothers music* ... *okay, you can cut it now*
It is hard to argue with a thunderstorm-- I requested one for my testimony, the second to last week of camp. He sent it-- in spades. It poured seas only minutes after I had finished speaking.

When I came back to Cass, I lost myself. I let my prayer and meditation slip away quickly. My music slipped too... my everything slipped eventually. Eight days after my return, I felt symptoms of my depression come upon me. My girlfriend scooped me up and did the best she could with me-- we even went and got devotion books (hers is in the mail right now). I think that she would agree, along with my father, in saying that I can only handle unstructured time for so long... I need a mission.
Now that I have returned to college, what will my mission be?
Will I restore my discipline and make that basic connection again? I have plans to...
Will God bring me back into service as a leader or some other significant capacity? I pray so...
Will I have to be in people's faces like Nehemiah was sometimes-- and like I was a few times this summer? I don't want to... but... you know how it is...
...Will I put my life's mission in God's eyes first? WIll I reconnect with the larger community of people who feel called to something?