Episode 5: Promise of Darkness. Air date: Aug. 28
Screen caps of this episode
HERE

Recap of this epsiode:


We start with dizzying camera work. Some little four eyes on her way to school gets nabbed by a Child Raper then morphs into a “Have You Seen This Child” ad on some milk carton. Another man, looking for his kid. Another milk carton. Then a woman, same thing. And a mother, looking in an empty crib and an open window.

Some forest in the middle of nowhere. People search around. A mound of fresh dirt, a child’s shirt. This can’t be good. They hand it to Daddy: Yep, it’s his daughter’s itty bitty sweater.

Nauseating at-home scene with Cole and kids.
Cole: “Guess your mom and this guy are pretty serious.”
Girl: “I heard mom tell him she loves him.” (Like that’s a big shock. Given all the shifters she’s punched into gear, who’s counting what comes out of her mouth?).
Boy becomes Freud – maybe unconsciously Cole’s asking because he hopes they don’t go ahead with the divorce (I think it’s “subconsciously” but during these scenes, “unconsciously” would be the better option). Boy wants a pull out couch so he doesn’t have to sleep with baby sister. (Get him the bed, already, before he ends up on the Most Wanted list). Saved by the fax machine belching out a photo of Dave Brass – uh, wrong show, I mean Baby Raper.

Stop sign. Thumper in a vintage convertible with a rosary wrapped around his wrist. He’s listening to old King James Bible passages on the radio. (Are there really any shows out there that just read Bible passages in Old English anymore. Come on!)

Warehouse. Gang’s assembled. Baby Raper was convicted of killing Daddy’s girl after he posed as an undercover cop. Then he buried her alive in the San Bernadino mountains.

Flashback: Baby Raper, covered in blood, carting a blond girl into the woods.

Flashback: Nut house at Vacaville where he got electric shock that didn’t work and escaped in a garbage truck. (What? All these years as a mental health professional and I thought electric shock was for depression! And now I learn it’s ineffective for child killers? Silly me.)

Two days ago Baby Raper killed a trucker.
Lee: “He’s graduated from girls to truckers?”
Thumper, way too indignant: “Eddie, it’ll take one more wise ass crack for me to bust you up.”
Lee: “Alright, man. Dial it down” (Alright? What’s alright? Lee makes a logical comment – one any decent cop would make because child killers generally stick to children – hence the name “child” killer – and Thumper jumps on him. More bad writing, designed to hint to us in an oh-so-loud voice that Thumper’s got some ax to grind with Baby Raper. Could it be that, like every other prime time show, he was secretly molested as a child? Say it isn’t so.) But I digress…

Baby Raper’s mother lives in LA. Bull pulls up her picture. To me, she looks pretty normal – upswept hair, nice shirt – but not, apparently, to the writer.

Lee: “Whoa… Houston. We have a problem. She’s a gargoyle.” (Huh? She looks like your average 50-something housewife to me).
Mean look from Thumper.

Then Mouse, who couldn’t deliver a convincing line if it were served to her with a spoon, becomes a shrink. Thinks she’s John Douglass from Behavioral Science in Quantico, quoting three guys in Toronto who say homicidal child molesters are antisocial sadists. (Thanks for that. I thought they were normal). And that they’re non-descript, blend into the crowd. Then she has to mention – as if we didn’t get it the first time – that Baby Raper had electric shock that didn’t work. (IT’S FOR DEPRESSION, YOU MORON, NOT HOMICIDE!).

Cole divides the team. Thumper and Latin Boy go to Mama’s for her birthday. Mouse and Cole go in search of crazies on parole. And Bull’s staying at the base.

Lee: “What do I do? Eat cake?”
Cole tells him to stick close to Bull. (A fate worse than death.)
Lee: “In other words… nothing?”
Cole: “Well, come to think of it, the kitchen needs mopping. We all pitch in, Eddie. You seen a maid since you started here?”
Lee looks at Mouse.
Mouse: “Oh – I’ll shove that mop so far up your ass Drake, you’ll be using it to floss your teeth.” (Now that I’d like to see.)
Lee: “Right on… a little cake after kinkiness.” (Huh? I’ve rewound that three times and it still doesn’t make sense but I'm going with a suggestion from a poster).
Cole: “Time is blood… Let’s go.” (Ugh. Who dreams up these stupid lines? Brad Winters, did you learn nothing from the master?)

Thumper wants to talk to Cole (What’s new?). He’s cryptic: He wants Baby Raper dead and fears he may lose his badge. Number 87 was on his high school football jersey. Baby Raper’s number 87. It’s a sign from God. It’s also a sign this guy needs to be committed. But does Cole do what any good commander would do and hand him the mop? No siree.

He merely asks: “You squared away enough to do this job?”
Thumper: “I don’t know. But it’ll have to do.” (Mop please! And cake! Can we have some cake? And a straightjacket? But instead, Lee's stuck with the bucket and psycho-Bible Thumper goes on the hunt. Yeah, right…)

Molester Mama’s house. Definitely the best acting in the show. Drunken mama, handful of curlers on her head, answers the door in a bathrobe and asks Latin Boy and Thumper if they strip. Last time men came to her house they were strippers – one as fat as Thumper with a third leg bigger than the two he put shoes on. But, alas, they’re only gas men. And not stripping gas men either. Gas men who scan envelops in her bedroom for fingerprints and drink booze with suspects on the clock.

Headquarters. Lee’s mopping. Bull’s pulling up incoming calls to mama’s phone. Bull points out a missed spot. Lee mocks him. He’s so cute.

Back at Molester Mama’s. Latin Boy’s still drinking, unsuccessfully trying to pry details outa mama about her psycho son. No luck. Even drunk, she’s too quick for him.

Headquarters. Bull’s got Baby Raper’s print from Molester Mama. Lee leans over, his pit near Bulls face.

Bull, with a grimace: “Brother… More cologne or hotter water.”
Lee: “What?”
Bull: “You smell like a German tourist in summer.”
Lee smells his pit. (Anybody want a whiff?)
(Yes this is funny. But they’ve already painted Lee as a poon hound. And we all know poons would never go for a guy who smells. Never. Yet another glaring example of inconsistent character development. And we wonder why this shows ratings are tanking badly.)

Molester Mama’s. Thumper plants a bug in her 1970s phone then peers into Baby Raper’s bedroom that looks like a little girl’s. Then they leave, Mama passed out in her chair with a lit cigarette. (Burn baby burn.) Aw shucks... Latin Boy dumps it in her whiskey on the way out.

Headquarters.
Lee: “Can I check my e-mail?”
Bull: “No.”
But he pulls it up.
Lee: “That’s my e-mail.” AKA 465 love notes from tobyfan
Bull: “Stinkfingermama dot com?”
Lee: “That’s spam.”
Bull: “That’s porn.”
Lee: “I’m single.”

Bingo. Bull fond Baby Raper’s fingerprint. (And I, once again, see Dave Brass).

Cole’s driving with Mouse. She comments about Thumper “vibrating” (like she would know). Can’t figure out how a religious guy could work in the cop business (but, then again, there’s a lot she can’t figure out). Phone rings. It’s Slutty Mama. She wants Cole to pick up his Girl. He can’t. She gets mad. He calls her a lab monkey. She hopes he gets run over by a carpool. And Mouse says something about before she gets married again. (Suggesting that miracles do happen and that lightening can strike twice in the same place).

Unnamed forest. A happy camping family ignoring the fact that their cute kid has wandered away on her own. With Baby Raper, who they’ve obviously seen, prancing about. He nabs her, uses the time-honored chloroform and stuffs her in a van.

Hours later. Same forest. Cole shows up with Thumper and flashes that photo of Dave Brass. Yep – mama remembers him, does a hysterical dance that’s actually pretty good acting. Cole sends some uniform to comfort her (Why? Who knows?)
Thumper: “Hopefully the devil’s gonna rape this shitbag for all eternity.” (Do you realize how hard it is to get writing jobs in television. And yet, this crap?...)

Headquarters. Lee doing pull-ups (so he can smell even more like a German tourist. Sig heil, Baby). Cole calls them: The kid’s parents have ID’d Baby Raper. Bull and Lee are headed to Molester Mama’s to wait. Mouse and Latin Boy are still checking out crazies.

Crazy’s garage. Some guy who looks like Pee Wee Herman is polishing a screw. Doesn’t know where Baby Raper is. But he does know that Molester Mama busted his cherry, raped him for years. We hear a doorbell, kids laughing. They’ve left dog shit on his doorstep because he’s an ex-molester. (So unfair. Such a hard life. Call the ACLU. Or lop off his balls -- you’re choice.)

Wooded area. Baby Raper’s got the girl duck-taped in the van. He’s died her hair and given her glasses so now she looks like the lead in Annie. He tells her he’s gonna hunt her down if she tries to escape – but he’s not gonna hurt her. He’s gonna tie a bow with her (whatever the hell that means) and present her to Molester Mama. (Happy bleeping birthday, you ol’ hag.)

Adult book store. Thumper won’t go in. Cole threatens to can his ass because his personal code’s getting in the way. (And, apparently, Cole just noticed. Give that guy a promotion).

Thumper: “Thou shall not participate in the sins of others. Timothy 10:21.” (Only there is no Timothy chapter 10. There’s 1 Timothy, that has six chapters and 2 Timothy that has four. So now we either got a character who’s lying about his Bible reading or a writer who can’t be bothered looking in the real Bible for quotes).

Phone rings. It’s Slutty Mama with news that Girl’s missing – she’s not at the ballet school.

Cole’s house. They’re yelling at each other. Thumper watches.

Van in front of Molester Mama’s.
Lee: “That is exactly why I don’t and won’t have kids. They either grown up to be a (Baby Raper) or they’re killed by one.”
Bull: “That’s a really positive outlook on life.”
Lee bites into a sandwich: “I’m just saying… the world we live in…”
Bull: “With all the tuna salad you stuck your pickle in over the years…”
Lee looks at his tuna, his half-eaten pickle.
Bull: “… Who knows how many kids you got running around out there unbeknownst to you.”
Lee ditches the pickle: “Unbeknownst…”
Bull: “It’s unbeknownst where I come from.”
Lee: “Where you come from?”
Bull won’t tell. And Lee doesn’t care – he just wants Bull’s cookie (Now this could get interesting…). But Bull won’t give it up. Lee coulda had his own cookie.
And with that, the best writing and acting of the episode is interrupted by a car pulling up. A hooded guy gets out. Goes to the door. Molester Mama answers – and he blows her away. But it’s not Baby Raper, it’s Killer Daddy who can’t get over his girl.

After the commercial break, Cole’s on site. But he’s somewhere else. (Maybe with his missing daughter – where he really should be rather than mourning over some drunken loser who bangs her own kids. But hey, what do I know?) Lee knows something’s wrong but Cole won’t give it up.

Thumper finally stating the obvious: “Don’t you think we should find your daughter before we find somebody else’s?”
Cole: “I have to believe she’s gonna be fine.” (Of course, because, why should you think your fair-haired daughter’s in danger with a Baby Raper on the loose?) But he’s only interested in the other kid – the one who’ll die if they blink.

Headquarters. Cole questions Killer Daddy, who was hoping that Baby Raper would answer the door but settled for the next best thing. The DA’s watching. She thinks it’s a dead end.

Cole gets a call. Girl’s still missing. And he confides this fact in Killer Daddy who also asks the obvious question: “What are you doing here talking to me?” DA wants to cut it short. Thumper shows some muscle. This is all so boring and sentimental – “I don’t want to die having suffered less than my little girl…” – it could send you in search of tuna salad.

DA and Cole go at it. Thumper’s all for an eye for an eye (never mind all that silly stuff in the New Testament about forgiveness or turning the other cheek). The DA retorts they’re not in Caesar’s Judea. More arguing over whether or not to punish Killer Daddy.

Gas station. Baby Raper’s inside, buying a tree of lollies while Annie sits in the car hoping the sun’ll come out tomorrow. And what, serendipitously comes on the TV? A news story about Baby Rapers molesting mama. (Yeah – that’s realistic. 7-11 clerks who look like Gilligan and talk in mono-syllables always savor the news) Baby Raper goes nuts at the thought of no more sex with an adult.

Headquarters. Boring exchange between Mouse and Thumper. Mouse, of course, thinks the sun’ll come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar they’ll be sun.

But Thumper’s right: “These people are never caught before the damage is done – that’s just the way it is.” So he does what every American should do in that case – tears up a porn store and threatens the Indian guy who runs it.
Thumper: “You call me every day or I burn this place down.” (Where? The gorilla cage at the zoo? You never gave him your number.)

Church. Of course we have to have a church scene. And, of course, Thumper’s a catholic. They always are. And of course Cole knows just where to find him. Then the dumbest overused line anywhere:

Thumper: “I wonder why God lets the things that happen happen.” Then the inevitable revelation: One of his mom’s friends stayed late at their house one night. He was seven. He wonders how old Baby Raper was. (Nope – couldn’t see that coming). At least Cole couldn’t. He looks shocked. Apparently he didn’t see CSI, or L& O or any other series that have tried that hackneyed backstory.

Headquarters. Cole’s praying by the window. And he doesn’t have to finish. Because his phone rings and it’s good news: Girl has returned.

Latin Boy runs in, yelling they’ve spotted Baby Raper. Gilligan called the cops because Baby Raper seemed weird and hostile (Not so unusual to me, given the current price of gas.) We see the video. Thumper’s really upset she’s blond. Mouse offers more pears of wisdom: They all change the hair color (Shut up). Cole gives them their marching orders – mercifully sparing us more profound speeches – and they’re off.
Cole: “Take ‘em alive.”
Thumper: “That’s out of my hands.” (Swap his gun for the mop. But no, he's off for the takedown.)

Rest stop. Baby Raper lets Annie use the john. A black guy sees them so, of course Baby Raper has to kill him before they’re back on the road. Annie’s yammering about getting married. Big car chase ensues and, of course, it’s Thumper and Cole who get there first. And, of course, it’s Thumper who takes him down. Puts a gun in his mouth.

Thumper: “Open your mouth! Open your mouth!”
Shoves in the gun.
Thumper: “You talk to me! You talk to me!” (You just shoved a gun in his mouth, you idiot!)
Thumper: “She had a pulse! She had a pulse when you put her in the ground you piece of shit! God will never forgive you. God will never surrender you to his kingdom!” (Could this dialogue get any worse???)

Then, of course, Cole shows up to save the day. To save Thumper from blowing Baby Raper brains all over the flora.

Headquarters. Really good music. Gangs all there as they bring Annie home. Lots of hugging and happy faces for way too long.

But not long enough. Because now we have to suffer through yet another domestic scene at Cole’s house. Cole goes into kiss his sleeping daughter. Shares a drink with Slutty Mama.

Then there's this ridiculous toast: “To families broken but not destroyed.” (Yeah, a guy like Cole would really say that.) BTW, he didn’t mean the lab monkey bit. Yes he did. She didn’t mean he doesn’t care about his kids. But she would like to see him run over by a car pool. And, of course, tells her he wants to screw her. And she wants to screw him. (Why should it matter that she’s telling some other guy she loves him? They’re back on the lawn). And probably Annie’s parents are screwing like bunnies right now. But she says they can’t. and he says he knows and they settle for a hug. Awwww…..

And thank heavens it’s finally: THE END