How to Avoid Campaigners on Campus
So, 2007 ASUC Elections…Gross.

I’ve noticed a foolproof method to avoid being handed fliers, harassed, and generally looked at by the campaigners on campus trying to get you to vote for their candidate: be blind.

Failing that, I have a few evasive techniques to suggest:

1. Pretend to be blind. Wear dark sunglasses and MAKE SURE you have a walking stick. It really pulls the look together.

2. Be preemptive. Tell the campaigners not to talk to you before they get the chance. The phrase “don’t look at me, you cocksucker” is highly recommended.

3. Politely decline campaign literature with a strong “NO”. Make sure you use the same annunciation, pronunciation, and intensity that you would if you were being raped/kidnapped.

4. Be ugly. Nobody wants to talk to ugly people. UC Berkeley: Check.

5. Smoke cigarettes. Smelling of cigarette smoke is a big deterrent for these losers, who I hypothesize are the type of folk that blindly feed into unsubstantiated, reactionary claims like second-hand smoking is bad for you. Thus, if you smoke, they will not come near you. And if they do, you can either blow smoke in their face as you utilize technique #3 or burn them with the end of your cigarette. It’s like a battlewound; they’ll love it.

6. Be naked. Nobody likes talking to the weird naked guy in the room, and since Naked Guy died last year or something, we could really use a replacement. Only use if technique 4 has failed you, please.

7. Weapons. ‘Nuff said.

And, I recommend that you do vote in these elections…Wednesday 9am – Friday 11:59pm at election.asuc.org. I have a vested interested in getting people to vote that is NOT electing a candidate or approving/rejecting a proposition, so if you should listen to anyone’s advice on this, it should be mine.

K, thanks.