Mog (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} mogutaga) wrote in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} ucberkeley,@ 2007-01-16 19:46:00 |
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Making friends, and all that
Dear people at Berkeley who Know [Or Don't Know, I Guess] What They're Doing, Socially, at least,
I know this will sound vaguely pitiful and all that, and well, to get straight to the point, I'm asking for commiseration and you know, shared woefulness and resonant feelings of inadequacy and other big depressing phrases, not offers of friendship and taking-under-wing-age or whatever else you might be thinking, because I'm determined to not be a charity case like I was in high school, and, quite frankly, I probably don't have the social vitality to maintain anything that I start, and, to a greater level, something someone else starts for me, I just want to complain and hear other people complain with me because that's just the type of person I am.
Wow, that was a long disclaimer.
Anyway. I fucking don't have any friends.
Those who would like to leave comments of support or whatnot without reading about the hole I dug myself into to cause this pickle of a situation leave them now before I explicate further and turn this post into a whole just-desserts type of thinger that you can all feel fuzzy walking away from.
After class I would usually just mumble back to the dorm where I'd hop on the computer and play computer games while closeted in my dorm room over at Clark Kerr, there didn't seem to be very much to do on campus, and even if there was I'd be too intimidated by all the put-together people who were in charge or partaking, because well, they were my peers, except better a college [life] than I was and I didn't feel the need to self-flagellate by showcasing all the various ways I could be awkward and quiet and show that behind the unfashionable clothes there was a banal, sporadic, emotionally detached mind noodling around. Even when my roommates brought other people who would cluster and talk at what I perceived to be inopportune times to the room, I'd hide behind my headphones and listen to this one Imogen Heap video that I love. At best I'd acknowledge those who would be around me, at worst I'd pretend they weren't there. I'd say 'hi' and be cordial and facebook a few people that would add me first, but still there was nothing consistent, nothing that'd be here tomorrow or would last even the rest of the day.
At meals when I'd be dragged along in a large group to the dining commons, I'd usually just stay quiet and mumble to myself every once in a while as I took very small, deliberate bites so the onus of speaking wouldn't fall on me. I just wouldn't have anything to say, seriously. I'd also very much not mind if nobody attempted to direct any inclusion questions towards me.
I spend most of my weekends at home, a remnant of a vicious cycle where originally the need arose from wanting to go home because school was scary and besides, home was nicer anyway. Now it's progressed to a point where I don't really see a point to staying here on the weekends anyway since there's a PS2 at home and I can reach RPNirvana and it's not like I have anyone here that wants me to stick around.
And here I am now, whinging on LJ in the Berkeley community, thinking about but steadfastly not at the last minute blaming the setup of the campus and classes and the lack of continuity rather than my own personal shortcomings.
Dear people at Berkeley who Know [Or Don't Know, I Guess] What They're Doing, Socially, at least,
I know this will sound vaguely pitiful and all that, and well, to get straight to the point, I'm asking for commiseration and you know, shared woefulness and resonant feelings of inadequacy and other big depressing phrases, not offers of friendship and taking-under-wing-age or whatever else you might be thinking, because I'm determined to not be a charity case like I was in high school, and, quite frankly, I probably don't have the social vitality to maintain anything that I start, and, to a greater level, something someone else starts for me, I just want to complain and hear other people complain with me because that's just the type of person I am.
Wow, that was a long disclaimer.
Anyway. I fucking don't have any friends.
Those who would like to leave comments of support or whatnot without reading about the hole I dug myself into to cause this pickle of a situation leave them now before I explicate further and turn this post into a whole just-desserts type of thinger that you can all feel fuzzy walking away from.
After class I would usually just mumble back to the dorm where I'd hop on the computer and play computer games while closeted in my dorm room over at Clark Kerr, there didn't seem to be very much to do on campus, and even if there was I'd be too intimidated by all the put-together people who were in charge or partaking, because well, they were my peers, except better a college [life] than I was and I didn't feel the need to self-flagellate by showcasing all the various ways I could be awkward and quiet and show that behind the unfashionable clothes there was a banal, sporadic, emotionally detached mind noodling around. Even when my roommates brought other people who would cluster and talk at what I perceived to be inopportune times to the room, I'd hide behind my headphones and listen to this one Imogen Heap video that I love. At best I'd acknowledge those who would be around me, at worst I'd pretend they weren't there. I'd say 'hi' and be cordial and facebook a few people that would add me first, but still there was nothing consistent, nothing that'd be here tomorrow or would last even the rest of the day.
At meals when I'd be dragged along in a large group to the dining commons, I'd usually just stay quiet and mumble to myself every once in a while as I took very small, deliberate bites so the onus of speaking wouldn't fall on me. I just wouldn't have anything to say, seriously. I'd also very much not mind if nobody attempted to direct any inclusion questions towards me.
I spend most of my weekends at home, a remnant of a vicious cycle where originally the need arose from wanting to go home because school was scary and besides, home was nicer anyway. Now it's progressed to a point where I don't really see a point to staying here on the weekends anyway since there's a PS2 at home and I can reach RPNirvana and it's not like I have anyone here that wants me to stick around.
And here I am now, whinging on LJ in the Berkeley community, thinking about but steadfastly not at the last minute blaming the setup of the campus and classes and the lack of continuity rather than my own personal shortcomings.
