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transgender love in all forms
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| Your Weekend Kitty Pix Fix! |
[05 Sep 2008|07:37pm] |
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music |
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Boards of Canada - Open the Light |
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Because let's not kid ourselves: you don't read my journal for long-winded introspection, overly frank discussions of my personal and medical history or Youtube videos. You read it for the adorable kitty pictures, don't you? It's OK, so do I.
Well, here's your weekly fix:
There's an affirmation of my gender identity! K. now considers my panties fit to make love to. Strangely, on the rare occasions when I wear boxers, she's still not the least bit interested. It's panties and bras or nothin'!
Even their creepy fetishes are adorable!
Emily, meanwhile, has taken to sitting exactly behind the cord that runs to our modem (the wireless adapter's CD is still AWOL, and Windows chooses not to recognize the thing automatically). I keep feeling like I should chase her away in case she starts chewing on it, but she doesn't seem interested in that. She just wants to sit behind the invisible boundary, protected by a wall that no one else can see from scary things no one else even notices are threatening: rustling plastic bags, buses passing on the street outside, the neighbors walking about upstairs. Well, whatever makes her happy I guess.
Oh, and occasionally she rolls around on it, but I couldn't say if that's because she likes rolling on the cord specifically, or if she's just indiscriminately writhing with objectless glee, and the cord just happens to be in her way.
We have weird, weird kitties.
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| NYC |
[05 Sep 2008|04:46pm] |
Heading out in about fifteen minutes for NYC. Tomorrow is Mets game (if Hannah doesn't ruin everything), and Sunday is In The Heights. We may have some open slots in our plans - feel free to ping me via email, text, or phone if you're interested.
Email and text are preferred points of contact.
See you on the flip! (And don't forget about tomorrow!)
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| I moment of comfort in the locker room |
[05 Sep 2008|01:58pm] |
Today I went for my swim. I've been keeping up my swimming, going three or four time a week, and other than how crowded the pool gets most days, it has been very nice. And while I am still nervous and anxious, there have been no incidents thus far, even when I end up getting into brief conversations with some of the other women while waiting for the door to the pool to be unlocked for the midday open swim.
Today, though, was particularly pleasant. So after what always feels like my initial sneak past the pool gatekeeper, where I always worry that I am going to get told that I don't belong in that locker room and I cannot go in, I realized there was no one else in the locker room.
I actually felt like I could let my guard down. For a little bit I did not worry about being misgendered or the revocation of my conditional cissexual privilege. I could simply be. I even briefly entertained the thought not retreating to one of the rest room stalls to change and just changing right there at my locker.
But then I heard the some one coming into the locker room chattering on her cell phone, broke my contentedness and reminded me that I can't ever really let my guard down.
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| In other news |
[04 Sep 2008|05:24pm] |
Things that made me smile or laugh today:
1. "Dear Raven, I love you. But this "working on six books at once" thing seems to be communicable. Wear a mask or something next time I come visit, all right? Love, Del"
2. The last four people to surf my OKC profile are DarkOverlord, HeartSlayer, VileDemon, and Templarman.
3. Very sweet emails and texts from friends concerned about me and wanting me to feel better.
4. My godsons were released from the hospital today.
5. Submitting a short story to an anthology, and feeling like a writer again.
6. Deciding to embark on a long-awaited project as a fun, no deadline thing. May even post bits of it to LJ, if people want to read short stories I've written.
7. Wonderful words from cute people, and feeling seen in a way that I haven't felt in a very, very long time.
8. Getting things for this weekend sorted out.
9. Ninja: If you don't have a preference, then I will make a domly dom decision and say that we're going order in Chinese
Del: But, but
Del: I am Sir Lord High Domly Dom!
Ninja: Pshaw.
Ninja:I laugh at your title.
Del: You want me to prove it, weakling?
Ninja: No, please don't hurt me.
10. "Fool enough? Bring it."
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[04 Sep 2008|10:30am] |
The strength lies in not running away. In staying present when the work gets hard. In being honest when a lie is gentler. Today, the hardest part is loving myself, and being there for myself, and comforting me through this crap. My back hurts, my hands hurt, the rain is coming in. The birds have eaten my face and I'm not sure what I have left to give. I am raw and worn. My shield has spikes to keep the hugs away, and I can't seem to retract them.
I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of writing angsty, depressing entries to LJ like somehow this vent will release any pressure. It's just putting it out there, making it your problem too - because I can feel the virtual hug machine sputtering to life just writing this crap. I get to face this, see it, breathe it in, in a way I can't run away from. It's here, available to the public on my little livejournal; Del has issues with emotional regulation and lately that's been dipping heavily into depression.
I reach out for the numbness but that's a horrible choice. I get to sit with my pain and feel every moment of it. My leg is on fire with sciatic pain, even the numb parts are awake and full of lightning. I want to go lay down but it feels like surrender.
Is there a day ahead without pain?
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| I'm Not The Girl You Think I Am |
[03 Sep 2008|09:13pm] |
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music |
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Conor Oberst - I Don't Want to Die (In The Hospital) |
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"I have wasted years of my life agonizing
about the fires that I started
when I thought that to be strong
you must be flame-retardant
And now to dress the wounds calls into question
How authentic they are --
There is always someone criticizing me:
She just likes playing hospital"
- Amanda Palmer, Ampersand I've talked enough about the past here lately, and altogether too much about myself, so I won't say much about my 22nd year except that it was the end of a period in my life I spent saying and doing awful things for no reason, and I sometimes feel like it's simultaneously a bill left unpaid that I can't move forward without taking care of, and a bill that I can't actually pay except by moving forward and, you know, not being such a twit anymore.
And that's all I'll say about me right now, I promise. See, this post is firstly to share a song I'm completely obsessed with -- I'm a touch indifferent to the video, but the song itself is amazing -- secondly, because I found this nifty rundown of things famous authors were doing at the age of 22 and thirdly to open the floor so you can talk about you, 'cause I'm secretly much more interested in you than in me: what were you doing when you were 22?
(If you are 22 (or younger), then it's five years in the future right now, so you can answer that question anyway.)
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| Unnoticed Live Microphones: Your 24-Karat Entertainment Guarantee! |
[03 Sep 2008|05:22pm] |
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music |
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Vampire Weekend - M79 |
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Today's open mic night features Republican talking heads Peggy Noonan and Mike Murphy discussing McCain's choice of Gov. Sarah Palin. Enjoy!
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| Cosmic Aftercare |
[03 Sep 2008|01:13pm] |
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Feeling super vulnerable and cranky and achy today. Had to get up at 5am for Work reasons; got some more sleep, but feeling that interruption on a body level. Even though I just had a manicure/pedicure yesterday, I'm still fantasizing about a time and place where I can just be taken care of for a while. Energetically I feel wide open - even after working on my shields - and like I'm not done giving what needs to be given. I can has cuddlez now? The cosmic aftercare session can begin any day now.
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| my heart is breaking |
[02 Sep 2008|11:58pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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I can't believe this is really happening now. I find myself in one of those times when all you want to do is break down and run. My mom is real sick. I know what I'm watching and it is breaking my heart. I know that I have to be strong and hold her hand. I know she doesn't even know I'm in the room but I have to do this. It is one of those moments in a warriors (and yes a tg is a warrior on so many levels) life that it doesn't matter how strong or fast they are. A time when even the strongest person feels so weak and small. I don't want to burden my friends but how do you face something like this alone? All I ask of my Gods is to give me the strength to stand up when all I want to do is sit down and give up. I understand that I have to learn to ask for help when I really need it but did it have to be such a harsh lesson? I need my friends around me right now for all the right reasons.
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| Reinstalling The Operating System, Day Three |
[02 Sep 2008|11:16am] |
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music |
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Amanda Palmer - Ampersand |
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In which our heroine begins to suspect that certain software might be more difficult to install than she'd first expected.
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| Given with no context |
[02 Sep 2008|12:59am] |
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Thank you for making a bad day not so bad after all. It's all reciprocal. I'm waiting with the box of butterflies.
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| Doodles & Despondent Kitties |
[01 Sep 2008|06:42pm] |
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music |
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Smoke City - Devil Mood |
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One stack of just-finish-installing-already doodles, 28 hours and a dozen cups of coffee later, my operating system is reinstalled, I'm back on the internets, the many things on my computer that were not working are mostly working again and I remember exactly why I hadn't reinstalled WinXP in the last 3 years! Now all I have to do is spend a million years putting my settings back into all the programs, and try to remember where exactly I put the installation disk for the wireless adapter so I can stop having a ten-foot tripwire running from the kitchen to the library. (You'd think I'd remember to find these things ahead of time, but you'd be wrong.)
(*)
Yes, yes, I know the shading's wrong on that cube. What do you want -- I was only an art student for six months, it was six years ago, and I was drunk the whole time.
(*)
Amanda will be home in two hours, which means that it's time for Emily to stop running around the apartment meowing desperately, slump down on the couch, and wait for the sweet release of death to take her because it will never. Be bedtime. Again. Ever. Even gooshy food can't lift her spirits, poor creature.
(*)
Long story short, when Amanda's out of town, my life is productive but uneventful.
How's your weekend been?
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| Writer's Block: Checklist for Eternity |
[31 Aug 2008|11:02pm] |
Help out.
Think about it. You're immortal. You've gotten several doctorates in various venues, set up various corporations to funnel you endless amounts of money and mastered a couple dozen forms of martial arts. So put a couple changes of clothing on your back, and wander the earth, just lending a paw to whomever you might find.
Seems pretty cool to me.
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| 21st Century, I Hate You |
[31 Aug 2008|12:57pm] |
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music |
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R.E.M. - Until The Day Is Done |
] |
Phrases that make me ashamed of my country: "suspected protesters".
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